The heater was up too high, Doris thought. The air was too warm, and it was giving her a strangling sensation. She reached up to pull on the neck of her dress, but it wasn’t particularly tight. She swallowed with difficulty. Why did she feel like she was choking?
“What’s the matter?” Matthew asked, glancing at her.
“Nothing.”
“Your throat hurt or something?”
“Why did you offer to take me home?” she asked abruptly. “If you planned to be completely rotten to me, why did you offer? I was perfectly happy going home with my family. You didn’t have to stick your nose in.”
Matthew yanked on the reins and pulled the buggy off the road and into a wide patch of dirt. “Of all the ungrateful—”
“Ungrateful?” she cried. “There’s nothing ungrateful about it. I never asked you for a ride.”
“Then why did you accept one?” he asked, his voice harsh.
“Because it seemed easier than turning you down.”
“What?”
“You heard me. Everyone was staring at me. Dat thought it was a gut idea. It was easier to go along with it.”
Matthew shook his head, and Doris tensed, waiting for his response.
Chapter Five
Irritation surged through Matthew. Truly, Doris could make him crazy. Here he thought he was being nice to her, and she didn’t care a fig about it. He should have left well enough alone. He should have just waved her off with her family. Why had he asked to take her home anyway? Was he bent on torturing himself?
Dear Lord, things were so much easier with Annie.
“I’m sorry I stuck my nose in,” he said, knowing full well that he didn’t sound the least bit sorry. Except he was sorry. Not for sticking his nose in, but for being stuck with Doris right then. “I’ll take you home as quick as possible.”
Just then, the snow started falling, big gloppy flakes splattering the windshield. Matthew was glad then that his father had insisted on installing battery-operated windshield wipers. Otherwise, at that time of night and with the snow falling, he wouldn’t have much visibility at all. He flipped the switch to turn the windshield wipers on.
“Let’s go,” he said curtly.
Doris didn’t say a word. He looked at her. “So, you’re not talking to me now?”
“What do you want me to say?” she snapped back.
“Nothing,” he said more quietly now. “Nothing at all.”
Where had he gone wrong? When had his offer to be of help turned so sour? This wasn’t what he’d intended. Why couldn’t he and Doris be in the same place for more than two minutes anymore without snapping at each other? What had happened to the wonderful times they always had together? What had happened to their bond? When had everything gone so horribly wrong?
He hadn’t slapped the reins yet, and Blackie stood, patiently waiting. Matthew turned to Doris. “I’m sorry,” he said, his voice soft. “I never intended to upset you. I’m sorry.”
In the light filtering through the windshield from the streetlamp, he could see her eyes well with tears. Ach, she was crying. He reached over and took her hand. It was cold and brittle-feeling in his hand.
“Doris, I’m sorry.”
“I know,” she said, sniffing. “I’m sorry, too.”
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I know you must be sick with worry. But from what your dat said, Jordan is going to be all right.”
She started to cry in earnest then, and he felt like a heel. He let go of her hand and put his arm around her shoulder, drawing her close. She was trembling which made him feel even worse.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into her ear. “It’ll be all right. Jordan will be all right.”
For some reason, his words seemed to upset her even more, so he stopped talking. He just held her. He was painfully aware of how soft she was in his arms, how vulnerable and fragile. He never thought of Doris as fragile, and the realization threw him. He swallowed, bracing himself against the rush of emotion that coursed through him.
But bracing himself did little good. Sitting there with Doris in his arms was all he ever yearned for. All he ever dreamed of. All he ever wanted. Feeling her breath against his neck jolted him and warmed him down to his core. He didn’t move. He hardly dared to breathe. Stay here, Doris, he thought. Stay here just like this, in my arms.
But she didn’t. She wriggled free and wiped her face and sniffed.
“I’m sorry, Matthew.” She sniffed again. “It was kind of you. You were being nice. I’m the one who’s being so awful.”
“You’re worried,” he said, feeling the loss of her and wanting to snuggle her close again.
“I’m… Jah, I am worried.”
“Jordan is going to be fine.” The words nearly stuck in his throat, but he said them, nevertheless. He didn’t have to like the man, but Doris did.
“It’s not that…” she said. “I mean…” She blinked rapidly and then shifted in her seat. “We probably better get going.”
“Jah,” he said. He snapped the reins, and they got underway. Matthew drove slowly to be safe, but his mind was whirling at lightning speed. He needed to keep his thoughts under control, and the only way he could do that was to think of Annie.
“Didn’t Annie’s sister do well at the Christmas program?” he asked. He cringed at how out-of-place his question sounded.
“What?” she asked. She shook her head slightly. “Uh, jah. Jah. Betty did a fine job.”
“Annie worked with her for a long time.” He chuckled. “She knew the piece better than Betty did.”
“I-I’m sure she did.”
“Annie is great with the kinner,” he went on, wondering why his mouth wouldn’t stop talking. Goodness, but he was blathering on and on like a woman.
“Th-that’s gut,” Doris said, but her voice was heavy.
The snowflakes were smaller now, pinging the windshield. He wondered whether they were part ice.
“Matthew?”
“Mm hmm?”
“Are you going to marry Annie?”
He inhaled slowly, thinking how to answer. In truth, he’d been considering it. Quite seriously, in fact. His love for Doris was futile. She would likely be engaged to Jordan within the month. If he was to have any chance of getting over her, it would only be by moving forward with Annie. And he did like Annie.
“I, well, I’ve been thinking on it,” he finally said. “In truth, I have been toying with the idea of asking her right soon.”
He heard Doris suck in her breath. Was she surprised? Pleased? He glanced over at her, but she turned to look out the side window into the darkness.
“Are you happy for me?” he asked, realizing that he was holding his breath.
She turned to him slowly. Her eyes were huge, and they were still misted over—likely from her concern about Jordan. She smiled then. Funny how he had the impression that she put on the smile, not that she just smiled. She must be more upset than he thought.
“That’s wonderful gut, Matthew. I’m happy for you.”
Something was off. Something in her tone. She didn’t sound right.
“Doris, are you all right?”
Her smile didn’t waver. “Of course, I am. I’m happy for you,” she repeated.
He frowned and studied her. He wished it were lighter so he could see her features better. “Annie is a fine girl. I mean, a fine woman.”
Doris nodded, her smile now looking brittle. “She’s right nice, Matthew.” She looked about to say something further, but she closed her mouth.
He focused back on the road. The snow wasn’t really that heavy, and it didn’t seem to be affecting the buggy or Blackie. He was glad. He’d have Doris back home quite soon. They rode on, and the silence was only broken by Doris’s intermittent sighs.
“Do you want me to give you a ride to the hospital tomorrow?” Matthew asked. “I will, if you want me to.”
She looked at him. “Maybe.”
“Now, I wouldn’t want
you to think I’m sticking my nose in…” he teased, trying to lighten the mood.
She scowled. “Very funny.”
“But truly, I’ll only come if you want me to.”
“Nee, don’t come,” she surprised him by saying, but then she changed her mind. “Jah. That would be gut of you.”
“I’ll hang around the hospital until you want to go back home, too.”
“All right.”
The Glick farm was just up ahead. Matthew tugged on the reins and Blackie went up the drive. Matthew didn’t stop until he arrived at her porch.
“Here you are. I’ll come by around ten o’clock tomorrow morning. Will that suit?”
Doris nodded. “Matthew?”
“Jah.”
“Do you love her? Annie, I mean.”
Of course, she meant Annie. “Why do you ask?”
“I-I, well, I want to make sure you’re happy.”
“Why wouldn’t I be happy?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m sure I’m as happy with Annie as you are with Jordan.” Although, he wasn’t sure of that at all. Doris had seemed much more fervent about her love for Jordan.
She was giving him a funny look, and for once, he couldn’t read her.
“You’re tired,” he said gently. “Get a gut night’s sleep.”
“This isn’t how I imagined Christmas this year,” she said, making no move to get out of the buggy.
“I imagine not. This accident was unfortunate.”
She shook her head as if sloughing off his words. “Nee. I wasn’t only thinking of that.”
“Oh?”
“I was sure everything was going to fall into place perfectly for Christmas.”
“You mean Jordan coming home?”
“That was part of it. Well, that was a big part of it.”
“But he did come home, Doris.”
“I know, but…” She hesitated, and he waited. “It’s not like I imagined.” Her voice caught, and he resisted the urge to put his arms around her and hold her.
“It’ll all happen like you hope it will,” he said, swallowing hard. “Jordan will get better. He’ll adjust to being back home.”
Her eyes didn’t leave his. “I know. I do know. It’s just that…” Again, she hesitated.
“What?” he asked her. “What is it?”
She let out her breath and smiled. “Nothing. I’m happy for you. Wait…” She touched his arm. “You never answered me.”
“Never answered what?”
“Whether you love Annie…”
He’d hoped she wouldn’t notice. He didn’t want to answer her. He wasn’t sure he loved Annie, but he didn’t want to admit that to Doris. She would likely worry about him then, and she certainly had enough to worry about with Jordan.
He gently took her hand off his arm. “I wouldn’t ask her to marry me if I didn’t, would I?”
She blinked and studied him for a long moment. “Nee, you wouldn’t,” she said softly. “You would never do that.” And then she got out of the buggy and shut the door. Without bidding him good-bye, she walked into the house. He watched her go, his heart heavy with unmet dreams.
Chapter Six
Doris sat on the edge of her bed. Her room was cold, and her feet were even colder on the rag rug beside her bed. She should have left her socks on, and she should climb into bed and pull up the quilts. But she was having a hard time moving. Yet her mind wouldn’t stop. It was on fire with the knowledge that Matthew loved Annie. He was going to propose to her.
Matthew and Annie. Matthew and Annie. Matthew and Annie.
She sighed. It wasn’t like this was any big surprise. He’d been courting Annie for weeks now. And Annie was clearly smitten. In truth, they made a nice couple. A handsome couple.
Be happy for him, Doris, she told her herself. Be happy.
But she wasn’t happy. She was heartbroken. She felt a hole of grief inside her stretching all the way to the dark skies. If she moved, even a muscle, she would burst into tears and she might never stop crying. Never. So, she sat. The chill of the night seeped into her, latching onto her with its icy fingers. Good. Feeling the cold was better than feeling the loss.
But it didn’t work that way. Both the cold and her stinging loss held her in a vice grip.
Breathe, she told herself. You don’t have to do anything but breathe.
But breathing hurt. Everything hurt.
A knock on her door jerked her off the bed. “W-what?” she cried.
Kara stuck her head into the room. “Doris, can I—” Her gaze darkened in the candlelight. She rushed into the room and took Doris’s arm. “What’s wrong?”
Doris couldn’t hold it together. She crumpled against Kara and the two of them fell back onto the bed. Doris began to weep uncontrollably, and Kara jumped up and ran to the door, shutting it. She turned back to Doris.
“What is it? Did you see Jordan? Has something happened?”
Doris heard her words through a fog of pain. She shook her head over and over. Kara sank down beside her and held her. Doris lay against Kara’s shoulder crying her heart out. Kara remained still, just patting Doris’s back and making soft noises with her tongue.
Finally, Doris’s sobs stopped. She wiped at her face, feeling like a fool. What was she thinking? Breaking down like that.
“I-I’m sorry,” she said, her voice thick. “I don’t know what got into me.”
“But Jordan?” Kara asked. “Is he all right?”
Doris nodded. “Jah. At least, I think so.”
“Then why were you crying?” Kara’s brows lowered over her eyes. “What’s wrong, Doris?”
“I…” Doris wanted to tell Kara in the worst way. She wanted to tell someone, and who could she tell? Matthew—that was who she wanted to tell. But Matthew was… She sucked in her breath, trying not to start crying again.
“You can tell me, Doris. I won’t say a thing. I promise.”
Doris looked at her. What would Kara say if she knew the truth? Would she be shocked? Horrified? And what would be the point in telling her? It wasn’t like Kara could do anything about it. No one could. Doris was too late.
“I…”
“You can tell me, Doris.”
“I don’t love Jordan anymore.” There, she’d gotten that far. She saw the look of shock on her sister’s face.
“But then, why are you so upset? Has he done something to you? Mamm always worried that—”
“Nee,” Doris cut her off. “He’s done nothing.”
“Then why are you so upset?” She took Doris’s hand in hers. “What’s really going on?”
“I’m in love with someone else.”
Kara smiled at her. “But that’s wonderful gut news. Ach, but Mamm will be pleased.”
“Nee.” Doris shook her head. “Nee, she wouldn’t be pleased. And now, it doesn’t matter, anyway.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s going to ask someone else to marry him.”
“What?” Kara frowned. “Who is it? Tell me.”
Doris looked at her earnest expression and took a deep breath. “Matthew.”
Kara dropped her hand and jumped off the bed. “What?”
“It’s Matthew,” Doris repeated. It felt good to say his name out loud. To admit to someone how she felt—how she’d always felt, even if she hadn’t realized it.
“But… Matthew is our cousin. Your cousin!”
Doris shook her head. “Not really.”
Kara sat back down and stared at her. “You’re in love with Matthew?”
Doris nodded. “And he’s about to ask Annie Hershberger to marry him.”
Kara’s lips parted. She shook her head. “I-I don’t know what to say.”
“He’s not really our cousin, Kara. You know that. There’s no blood between us.”
“But… Matthew has been our cousin for years. But how did this happen?”
Doris scowled. “I don’t know. It just did.”
“Does he love you back?”
Doris swallowed. “We’ve never talked about it. Ever. I thought he felt something for me… But I was wrong. I’m too late. He loves Annie.”
“Did he tell you that?”
“Jah.” Doris squeezed her eyes closed before looking back at Kara. “I’m too late. I thought I wanted to marry Jordan. But I don’t. Not anymore. Only recently, I realized I love Matthew. I always have.”
Kara shook her head. “But you and Matthew have been best friends for years. You only now just realized it was more.”
She sounded incredulous, and Doris didn’t blame her. The whole thing astonished her, too. “I know. I’ve been a fool.”
“I wouldn’t call you a fool…” Kara paused. “Well, maybe, just a little.”
Doris gave her a rueful smile. “It doesn’t matter anymore now. I’ll never have him.”
“Did you think you could? Mamm and Dat would have a fit. And think of Verna and Nathaniel. Matthew is their son the same as if Verna had birthed him.”
“I know. Don’t you think I know that? I’ve been sick about it.”
“What did Matthew say? Was it awful when you told him?”
Doris gaped at her. “I didn’t tell him. How could I? Oh, by the way, Matthew, I love you, and I always have. And congratulations on your engagement to Annie.” The sarcasm dripped from her voice.
Kara bit her lip. “All right. I get it. That would have been bad.”
Doris sucked in a huge breath and fought against the tears that still threatened to come.
“What are you going to do?” Kara asked gently.
“What can I do? Nothing, that’s what. I can do nothing.”
“Does Jordan know?”
“I was going to break up with him after the Christmas program, but then…”
Kara shook her head. “Bad timing. I’m so sorry, Doris.”
“Jah. Me, too.”
“Jordan will have to know.”
Doris nodded. “I know. But I can hardly dash into his hospital room to tell him I don’t love him anymore, now, can I? That would be the height of cruelty.”
“It kind of would.” Kara whistled under her breath. “I’m so sorry, Doris. I wish I could do something to help.”
The Revelation (Doris's Christmas Story Book 3) Page 3