Doris felt a sudden warmth toward Kara. They hadn’t always been confidantes. In fact, for most of their years, they hadn’t shared much of anything. But lately, that had changed, and Doris was glad for it.
“You listened. That’s helping.”
Kara reached over and gave Doris a hug. “I’ll listen more, if you want.”
“Thank you. I appreciate it. But it’s over. Before it even began.” She gave a doleful laugh.
“Mamm and Dat would faint dead away if they knew.” Kara stifled a giggle.
Doris stared at her and then couldn’t help but join in. “I know.”
“And poor Aenti and Onkel.” Kara covered her mouth with her hand.
“I know.” And suddenly, Doris couldn’t stop laughing. The whole thing was so absurd and so hurtful and so ironic that she laughed until tears fell down her cheeks.
Kara laughed with her, both of them trying to stifle their laughter before they alerted the whole family.
Finally, they were both spent, and they fell back on the quilts. They were silent then, only their soft gasps sounding as they regained their breath.
“Doris?” Kara murmured.
“Jah?”
“It wouldn’t be so bad, would it?”
Doris shifted onto her elbow and looked down at her sister. “What do you mean?”
“It wouldn’t be so bad if you and Matthew got together. Once the shock of it passed, I mean.”
“Really? You think it wouldn’t be so bad.”
Kara raised herself onto her elbow, too. “Like you said, you aren’t really related. I think we’ve all forgotten that, but you’re right. So, if you and Matthew courted, why should that be so awful?”
Doris swallowed. “I didn’t dare hope…” She shook her head. “I didn’t dare hope it would be all right.”
“But I think it would.”
Doris fell back onto the bed. “It’s too late now, anyway. Matthew is going to be engaged any day.”
“Then, you’ll have to stop him.”
“Kara! I can’t do that. It wouldn’t be right. He loves Annie, and I’m sure Annie loves him.”
“But maybe Matthew loves you, too. I bet he does. He just doesn’t know you love him.”
Doris’s mind whirled with hope, but it was short-lived. “I couldn’t do that to him. He’s my best friend, Kara. I couldn’t mess up his plans with Annie. I’d never forgive myself.”
“So you’re going to watch the man you love marry someone else? How’s that going to be?”
Doris grew solemn. “Miserable,” she uttered.
“You should tell him.”
“I can’t.”
“Jah, you can.”
Doris inhaled. “I can’t.”
Kara blew out her breath in a huff. “Well, suit yourself. It’s your choice. But if I was Matthew, I’d want to know.”
“What difference would it make? He’d just pity me.”
“You don’t know that.”
But Doris did know that. She’d seen enough pity in Matthew’s eyes toward her lately to fill a well. She didn’t know if she could bear anymore.
“It’s freezing in here, Doris.”
“I know.”
“Get into bed.” Kara stood up. “If you need me, come and get me. Sally sleeps like a boppli, she won’t wake up if you come in.”
“Want to sleep in here with me tonight?” Doris asked.
“Really?”
“Really.”
“All right. I will.” Kara kicked off her slippers.
“We can talk about Mark Lapp all night, if you like,” Doris told her, smiling.
Kara laughed. “I wouldn’t mind that at all.”
The two sisters crawled into bed and pulled the quilts up to their chins. Doris turned to the side and blew out the candle.
“Kara?”
“Mm hmm?”
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
Chapter Seven
Matthew came by at exactly ten o’clock the next morning. Doris was all bundled up and waiting. Her mother was none too pleased.
“I don’t see why you have to visit Jordan this morning,” she said. “We’ve got last minute Christmas baking to do.”
“I can help with that,” Kara piped up from where she sat, crocheting.
Henrietta made a face. “It will take all hands to get it done.”
“I won’t be gone long, Mamm. I promise.” In truth, Doris really didn’t want to go at all, but she hardly wanted to begin that conversation with her mother. Doris was nervous, not knowing how she should be with Jordan at the hospital. But then, the chances of her being alone with him were slim. She could just go in, give her greetings, see how he was doing, and then leave.
Matthew might wonder at such a short visit, but Doris couldn’t do anything about that. And how was she going to act with Matthew that morning? How should she behave? Inwardly, she sighed. She’d act normal, that was how she’d act. Matthew didn’t know all this was going on under the surface.
He’ll read your face, she told herself. No, He wouldn’t. She was going to call forth every acting skill she had.
“He’s here,” her mother said, pursing her lips. “Now mind you, don’t be gone long.”
“I already told you I wouldn’t,” Doris said. She glanced back at Kara, who gave her a knowing look.
“See you soon,” Kara said.
“Bye, Kara. Bye, Mamm.” Doris didn’t linger. She quickly left the kitchen and went out to meet Matthew.
He leaned over and opened her door from the inside. She climbed into the toasty buggy and settled onto her seat.
“Morning, Doris.”
“Morning,” she replied.
“Did you sleep well?”
She looked at him. “Not really. Did you?”
He laughed. “Not really.”
She wondered what had kept him up. Deciding how to pop the question to Annie? She sucked in a breath and told herself to calm down.
“I’m sure Jordan is much improved this morning.”
“You’re likely right,” she said.
“That should lessen your worry.”
She shook her head. “That isn’t what’s worrying me.” The words came out before she could stop them, and her eyes widened. What was she doing? Be careful, Doris, be careful.
“What is it then?” he asked, his brow furrowed.
If only I could tell you, she thought. If only I could tell you not to ask Annie to marry you. Ask me. Ask me to marry you. The night before, Kara didn’t seem to think it was so bad—especially after she digested the idea.
Had Doris made a huge issue where there was none? The possibility bore into her.
“I mean, well, jah. You’re right. It was worrying me.”
Matthew’s brow smoothed out. “Well, hopefully, after your visit this morning, you’ll feel a lot better.”
“Jah,” she murmured. Coward. Coward. Coward.
“I’ll poke my head in and give my greetings to Jordan, and then I’ll wait for you in the waiting area.”
“All right.”
Her mind wandered. Christmas was only days away, and Doris couldn’t imagine wanting to celebrate under these circumstances. Matthew and Verna and Nathaniel would come over, and Doris would be expected to be her normal cheerful self. How was she going to pull that off?
“I haven’t forgotten that you promised to bake me my favorite pumpkin pie. And I totally realize that I keep reminding you,” he said, nudging her. Goodness, but did he know she was thinking about Christmas, too?
She looked into his twinkling eyes and used every ounce of will to smile at him. “I haven’t forgotten.”
“It’s my favorite part of the meal, you know.” He was teasing her, and she knew he was trying to cheer her up.
“Ach, you love it all,” she said back, forcing a light tone.
She could feel the tension between them ease. “That is true,” he admitted. “But still, your pie
is the absolute best.”
“Thank you, Matthew,” she murmured. She blinked back sudden tears and focused her gaze outside the buggy. A light snow was falling, dusting the trees and the road where the last snow had melted off. “We’re having a white Christmas.”
He placed one of his hands over hers in her lap. “I know you love white Christmases.”
She nodded, feeling the lump in her throat expand at an alarming rate. “Jah,” she managed to get out.
“Ach, Doris. Jordan will be all right. He was lucky. It’s mainly his arm, and it will heal.”
“I know,” she said, her voice cracking. “He’ll be fine.”
“So, please stop worrying. I can’t stand to see you like this.”
She gazed at him through her tears. “I’m all right, Matthew.”
He smiled then, and his gaze softened. “I just worry about you, is all.”
“Like you worry about Annie?” she asked, and then, once again wanted to suck the words back in. Honestly, but her mouth was out of control.
He frowned and took his hand off of hers. “Nee. Not like Annie. I… We’ve known each other a whole lot longer.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said that.”
“Because you’re upset. Because you didn’t get any sleep. It’s all right. I do worry about Annie, but it’s not the same.”
Not yet, Doris thought. Soon, he’d be more concerned about Annie than he was about her.
“I’m sorry,” she muttered again.
“Don’t be. It’s all right.”
They both fell silent until he pulled the wagon into the hospital parking lot. There was only one other buggy there. Doris expected to see the Lehman’s buggy, but then she realized with a start that Jordan had destroyed their buggy in his accident. Maybe the buggy that was there had been borrowed from someone by the Lehmans. In any case, Doris was certain someone from Jordan’s family would be there with him.
Jordan had been moved to the third floor, so Doris and Matthew took the elevator. Riding in an elevator was always a novelty to Doris, no matter how many times she’d done it, which admittedly, wasn’t that many. Still, pushing the buttons and being lifted automatically was an odd sensation.
They emerged onto the third floor and found Jordan’s room easily. Doris saw no one from Jordan’s family, and when they entered his room, he was alone.
His face was bruised, giving him the look of a raccoon. His arm was in a bulky dressing with what looked like a splint running up his forearm. It was resting on a pillow, which to Doris, didn’t look comfortable at all. He didn’t look comfortable at all.
“Hello, Jordan,” Matthew said.
Jordan blinked, only increasing his resemblance to a raccoon. “Matthew.” Jordan’s eyes went to Doris and she gave him a tremulous smile.
“Your folks aren’t here?” Matthew asked.
“Everyone went home after they moved me to this room. I expect they’ll be back shortly.”
Matthew nodded. “Well, I just wanted to say hello.” He looked at Doris. “I’ll be waiting for you in the waiting area.”
“On this floor?” she asked, and he nodded and left the room. Doris felt his absence immediately, her nervousness ramping up to ridiculous proportions. She blew out her breath and purposefully took a step closer to Jordan’s bed. He was watching her, his expression wary.
“How are you?” she asked.
He scoffed. “Can’t you see how I am?”
She swallowed. “Of course, I can. I’m sorry you were hurt.”
He shook his head. “It was stupid. I didn’t see the ice, and that horse of ours…” His voice caught and tears filled his eyes.
“Is he all right? Your dat said he was at the vet.”
“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. I want out of here.”
Doris felt the heaviness of his anguish and felt sorry for him. “I’m sure you’ll be released soon.”
As soon as she said the words, she flinched. Those were the very same words she’d used when he was in prison. He seemed to notice it, too, for he closed his eyes and she saw his entire expression grow tense.
“You’ll find out about your horse when your folks come by,” she said, trying to shift the focus of the conversation.
He looked at her again. “If they come by.”
“What do you mean?”
“They’re none too happy with me.”
His tone was impatient, almost accusatory, and something inside Doris snapped. “Can you blame them?” she demanded. “You’ve given them nothing but grief for months and months.”
She clamped her mouth shut, ashamed of herself. What she’d said was entirely true, but she didn’t have to be so harsh about it.
Jordan stared at her. “I see…” he said slowly. “I figured as soon as you arrived that you’d lash out at me.”
“Lash out at you?” she asked.
He nodded and then winced. He adjusted himself ever so slightly on the bed. “You’ve been judging me for days.”
“Judging you?” she asked, incredulous.
“You’re mad at me, Doris. Face it. Since I refused to propose to you immediately when I returned, you’ve been mad. And I’m getting tired of it.”
“You’re … what?” she asked, barely holding on to her reason.
“I’m tired of it and tired of you.” He raised his chin and set his jaw.
She gaped at him, spitting angry now. And then it dawned on her. She didn’t have to break up with him, he was doing it for her. She began to smile, and a huge weight slipped off her shoulders.
As soon as she smiled, Jordan narrowed his eyes, studying her. “Why are you smiling?” he barked. “What’s so funny? Are you laughing at me?”
She shook her head, now wondering what in the world she’d ever seen in him. But in all fairness, he had changed. She’d tried to make it work, but the changes in him were so vast, she could barely stomach him anymore.
“I’m not laughing at you, Jordan,” she said softly. “And I am sorry you’re hurt. Truly, I am.” She lessened her smile, which took effort, for her relief was so overpowering. “And I’m sorry you’re tired of me.” But, was she? No. She wasn’t. “And since you feel that way, I think it’s best if we stop seeing each other. Stop courting.”
His lips parted, and he frowned. “What? You’re breaking up with me?”
“I think you’ve already broken up with me.” She shook her head. “We are clearly not meant for each other like we thought. So, gut-bye, Jordan. I do pray for you and wish you the best.”
“B-but. Doris…” he stammered.
“I’m glad you’re back home in Linder Creek now, Jordan. And I hope you find the peace you’re looking for.”
“The … peace?” He nearly spit the word. “What are you talking about?” He’d raised his voice, and Doris feared someone would hear him from the hallway and think something was wrong.
“I’ll leave you now,” she said, suddenly in a huge hurry to leave the room. “Gut-bye, Jordan.”
“You’re leaving me?” he cried, trying to sit up straighter.
She paused at the door. “Of course, I am. You’re tired of me, and to be honest, I’m tired of you. Gut-bye.”
She was shaking when she burst out of the room. She hesitated in the hallway, until her trembling lessened. She sucked in a huge breath and marveled at her nerve. Had she been rude? Cruel? She hoped not, but ach, how glad she was that it was over. She wasn’t tied to Jordan any longer.
She walked down the hallway until she reached the tiny waiting room by the elevator. Matthew was there, sitting on a low, tan couch, his hands resting on his knees. When he saw her, he jumped up.
“You’re done already?”
She nodded. “I’m done.” She heard the double-meaning there, but knew Matthew had no idea. Should she tell him? Should she tell him that she and Jordan were over?
If she did, she’d likely blurt out how she felt about him, and she couldn’t do that. She
couldn’t bear to see the pity on his face. Couldn’t bear to have him tell her again how he felt about Annie.
Despite her relief at ending things with Jordan, Doris felt a pervasive exhaustion creeping over her, and all she wanted to do was go home.
“Shall I take you home?” Matthew asked. “Or do you have any errands that need done?”
“Nee. Nothing,” she said. “Please take me home.”
Chapter Eight
Matthew had been shocked that morning at how quickly Doris’s visit with Jordan had gone. He figured she’d stay much longer, especially considering she had Jordan all to herself. He’d hardly settled in for a long wait, when she’d appeared, ready to go home. Something else bothered him, too. At first, Doris had seemed almost animated when she’d left Jordan. In truth, it had sliced through him—her excitement at having seen her beau. But then, something had changed, and she’d grown somber and had hardly said one word on the way home.
That wasn’t like Doris. He’d questioned her about it, and she’d put on a smile and said everything was fine, but he wasn’t fooled. Had Jordan done something to upset her? And if so, why had she been so happy when she first left his room?
Had he said something wrong? Ach, but he hated this. It used to be that he and Doris could talk about anything. They used to finish each other’s sentences, and many times, he knew what she was thinking before she even spoke. But not anymore. Doris had become a guessing game to him, and he missed her. Missed their ease with each other. Missed their intimacy.
Which only made him more certain of his course of action. He was going to broach the subject of marriage with Annie that very evening. That would put all fantasies of Doris behind him. It was nearly Christmas—what better gift could he give Annie and himself? His heartbeat increased. He could be engaged in an hour or two. The very thought was intoxicating.
And frightening.
He laughed at himself. You’ll be fine, he told himself. Annie is a wonderful gut person, and she’ll make a gut wife.
He took a bit of extra care in combing his hair that evening, and he also made sure his shirt was clean. He put on his favorite pair of suspenders and smirked at himself. He’d have his coat on; Annie wouldn’t even see his shirt or his suspenders. No matter. He felt right spiffy.
The Revelation (Doris's Christmas Story Book 3) Page 4