Understudy

by Wy, Denise Kim

  His eyes lit up, but it wasn’t upon hearing his name. In fact, he looked amused and his lips broke into a smile. A very familiar one.

  “Wow, this is so fucking mental,” he muttered.

  Mr. Darby, our homeroom teacher, jumped at the cursing, and it wasn’t until then that I realized he was standing beside Adam, or whoever this guy was.

  Mr. Darby cleared his throat and shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “Kat, I would like you to meet Eric Wharton. He’ll be joining us this school year and…”

  My gaze flickered back to Eric’s face and I didn’t hear the rest of what Mr. Darby was saying. Any hope that I may have felt vanished.

  Of course. There was only one person in this world who looked exactly like Adam, and it was his twin brother Eric.

  “Nice to see you again, Katharine,” he said as he held out his hand for a quick handshake. The same hand that must’ve held the phone that called Adam that afternoon.

  I felt my shock draining away and in its place sprouted a seed of pure anger fuelled by hatred. He was the reason Adam had lost control of the wheel.

  I ignored his hand and turned toward the empty seat behind Sara, who was watching my every move. I could feel everybody’s eyes on me. And I knew exactly what they were thinking.

  Is she going to cry?

  Did she know Adam had a twin brother?

  I wanted to answer them, to tell them that no, I wasn't going to cry in front of this guy and yes, I did know Adam had a twin brother.

  “Adam has a twin brother?” Sara asked in a low whisper.

  “I’ve told you that already,” I said, though I wasn’t surprised that she had forgotten it. In fact, I was sure that everybody knew Adam had a brother, though it was easily forgotten since no one had seen Eric, and Adam didn’t talk much about him. It was as if Eric didn’t exist at all…until now.

  “Okay, that’s enough for introductions,” Mr. Darby said. Then turning to Eric, “Why don’t you take a seat behind Kat?”

  “Sure,” Eric said as he rolled his eyes and made his way to the empty seat behind me.

  I clasped my hands together to stop them from shaking. I felt everybody’s attention on me, on us, as Eric passed by my desk. I turned my head away and silently wished that this was yet another dream. I pressed my hand over my mouth. It was all I could do to stop myself from asking the questions that were forcing their way into my throat. Questions I’d been waiting to be answered ever since the accident.

  Why did you have to call Adam?

  What did you say that made him angry?

  Do you even know what you did?

  Do you even care?

  The room went silent as Eric finally settled in his seat. I let my eyes wander around the room and instantly regretted it as the sea of emotions playing around the people’s faces greeted me; pity, concern, anticipation. I felt my stomach clench.

  “Okay,” Mr. Darby breathed out, and half of the class shifted their attention back to him. “So how is everybody?”

  I sank down in my seat, wishing I could shrink myself until I disappeared. I thought this was going to be easier since Adam wasn't really gone. But I was wrong. I didn’t expect that I had to deal with other people looking at me as if they were waiting for me to burst. And it surely didn’t help that Eric was here.

  As if reading my mind, Sara shot me a worried glance. I flashed her a tired smile. This would be a long year.

  ***

  I wanted to stay out of the cafeteria when lunch break came, but that would’ve given people the impression that I was still grieving. Not that I wasn’t. But it was hard to look the part when I had been seeing Adam during the whole summer. I didn’t want people to see me as a weak person, and I was tired of the sympathetic glances being thrown my way.

  The moment we stepped inside the cafeteria, it was like someone had switched on a spotlight above my head.

  Mercifully, the room didn’t fall silent, though lingering stares and hushed whispers circulated around the room, and I wondered how long it would last. Weeks? Months? The whole school year? I wished Adam were here. He’d know what to do.

  I focused my attention on Sara, who was busy telling me some Texan joke, though I could tell by the way she fumbled her thumb that it was just a lame attempt to make me feel better.

  I kept my eyes on my tray as Sara and I approached the counter to buy our food. I was distracting myself by memorizing the overlapping circular patterns of the plastic tray’s surface when I felt a gentle tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Jeremiah, the editor−in−chief for our school paper, standing behind me.

  “I’m sorry about what happened,” he said. “Adam was a good friend.”

  Jeremiah was wearing his ever present argyle vest, the one Adam kept teasing him about. They were good friends. In fact, Adam was friends with everybody, and I wondered how many Jeremiahs would come up to me to say that they were sorry about the accident. As if they were sorry that they weren’t there to prevent it from happening. I was there, but it still happened.

  I opened my mouth to say something, anything to make him feel better, when a voice interrupted.

  ”Yeah, I’m sure he is.”

  I turned around to face the speaker, and was shocked to see Adam, no, Eric, standing just a few feet away from us with his arms folded in front of his chest.

  There were some audible gasps, and Jeremiah’s jaw dropped as blood drained away from his face. I realized that he didn’t know Adam had a twin brother, like the majority of the school’s population.

  My heart pounded in my ears and I had to remind myself that he wasn’t Adam, which became easy when I remembered how much I hated him.

  “Oh, did I spook you? Relax, I’m not a ghost,” Eric said coolly, taking a step forward, and I noticed how his right foot seemed to be falling slightly behind the other. Or maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me.

  “Uh…” Jeremiah swallowed, his hands trembling at his side. “I’m sorry about…what happened,” he said.

  Eric chuckled, bringing the whole cafeteria to a standstill. “Yeah, I’m sure you are,” he said. “So is everybody else. Which has me thinking−what are you guys actually sorry for?”

  His eyes swept the whole cafeteria, daring anyone to stand up and answer his question. No one moved, as if time itself had stopped.

  Jeremiah shifted his weight from one foot to the other as beads of sweat formed on his forehead. I had the sudden urge to stand in front of him, to protect him. Someone grab my arm and I glanced over my shoulder to see Sara shaking her head.

  “What’s the problem here?”

  Mrs. Graham, our art teacher, who also happened to be patrolling the cafeteria, stepped in between Jeremiah and Eric. The latter ran a hand over his sandy brown hair, the same exact way Adam had done so many times.

  “Nothing’s wrong, ma’am,” Eric said, flashing an easy smile that had obviously worked its charm on other people. “I was just talking to− what’s your name again?”

  “Jeremiah.”

  “Yeah, Jerry,” Eric said clapping him on the shoulder. “He was just talking about my brother.”

  Mrs. Graham’s expression softened. “I’m sorry about Adam," she said.

  Eric nodded, though I saw him roll his eyes ever so slightly. It pained me that he didn't seem to care about his brother. Adam would've been distraught if the situation was reversed. He would have felt thankful that someone was sorry for his brother's death. He wouldn't have rolled his eyes at other people's sympathy.

  I never thought it was possible to hate someone so much. I yanked my arm away from Sara’s grasp and walked up to him, my hands balled into fists.

  “Are you sorry?” I asked, staring straight into his eyes. For a moment, I saw Adam in them, then it vanished.

  “Kat−“ Mrs. Graham interjected, but Eric held up his hand, still holding my gaze.

  “It’s okay, ma’am. I understand.”

  “Do you?” I asked.

  Eri
c stared at me for a moment, his eyes hardening around the edges. I thought about Adam alone in the woods.

  “Do you even care that he’s dead?” The words came out in a soft whisper as tears welled up in my eyes.

  “Kat, that’s enough,” Sara said as she looped her arm around my waist and steered me away from Eric.

  He stood unmoving as Sara pulled me towards the exit. I expected him to turn away, thinking that my question had somehow affected him. But instead, he smiled. The very same one I saw in my dream.

  Chapter Seven

  "What did he say when he called you?"

  Adam lifted his eyes to look at me, his lips pulling down around the edges. "I thought you didn't want to talk about it," he said.

  I stared at the beam of sunlight filtering through the clump of trees above us, admiring the patterns that reflected on our skin. Being in the woods with Adam always calmed me. I wasn't sure if it was the quiet and serene surroundings, or maybe it was just Adam's company. But now, as I lay beside him, I was far from being calm. If anything, I felt like a time bomb waiting to explode.

  I slowly sat up and hugged my knees to my chest, containing the upcoming explosion, hoping to defuse it. I was still angry about what happened during lunch, and I had had to assure Sara a thousand times that I was okay when I refused to let her walk me home.

  "I want to talk about it now," I said, hoping that he wouldn't be able to detect the anger in my voice, but he did.

  He propped himself up on his elbow and gently tilted my face towards him. "Did something happen?" he asked, his brows furrowing.

  He didn't know. I always thought that being dead makes you aware of everything, like you become an omnipresent being. But I remembered that Adam was stuck in the woods, alone in a quiet place, waiting for that short three hours when he got to see me.

  "What do you do when I'm not around?" I asked, tracing circles on the ground with my index finger.

  "You didn't answer my question."

  "Don't you get to travel somewhere? You know, to pass time."

  "Kat−"

  "I mean, it's lonely here."

  "What's wrong?"

  "It's unfair, you know."

  "Do you want me to leave?"

  My head snapped up, fear building in my chest. My mouth suddenly felt dry.

  "Are you planning to?"

  He shrugged. "Well, if you want me to," he said, although his voice shook a little as he spoke.

  "I don't want you to."

  "Well, I just might if you continue ignoring my question."

  "I'm not."

  "You are."

  "I'm not."

  "Kat−"

  "Eric's here," I said, the words slipping out of my lips before I could think about it.

  "What?"

  "Your brother is here."

  Adam sat up and looked around the woods.

  "Well, not exactly here," I said, looking away and fixing my gaze on a little caterpillar crawling just a few inches from my sneakers. "I mean he's here in Highcrest. He's in the same class with me."

  "Why didn't you tell me?"

  "I'm telling you now."

  I felt him move beside me until our shoulders touched. I took a quick glance at his face. His expression was unreadable.

  "Sorry, I should've told you earlier. But I can't think straight right now," I said.

  "Are you alright?" he asked, draping an arm around my shoulder as he pulled me closer to the familiar curve of his body. A place I considered my home.

  "Yes," I lied.

  "Did he say or do something to you?"

  I shook my head.

  Adam pressed his lips to my cheek and sighed, his breath warm against my skin. There were times that I wanted to believe that he wasn't really dead. I mean he was here, breathing with a heartbeat. How could he be dead?

  "He wanted me to call Higgins, our lawyer," Adam said out of the blue. For a moment, I thought he was talking to himself.

  "What?"

  "You were asking about why he called me that night."

  "Why would he need a lawyer?"

  "I'm not really sure, maybe he got himself in trouble again. It happens so often that I stopped asking questions."

  "Do you always help him whenever he gets into trouble?"

  He didn't answer. He stared ahead, unseeing, at the cloudy afternoon sky and I wondered what he was thinking.

  "You do, right?" I said, sounding more like an accusation than a question.

  "He's my brother."

  "Were you planning to help him that day?"

  "He's my brother," he repeated, as if it was reason enough to tolerate Eric's misbehaviors, even when it cost him his own life.

  "Why?"

  "You don't understand. I owe it to him."

  I pushed myself away from him, not sure if I heard him correctly. "What?"

  "I owe him."

  "You owe him?" I shook my head, incredulous. Eric was a burden, a nuisance, not someone capable of helping anyone. Let alone have anyone owe him anything. The bomb in my chest exploded. "Look at what happened to you!"

  "It was an accident, Kat." He said the words softly. Accident. The word had taken a whole new meaning to me.

  Accident. Anything that happened suddenly or by chance without any apparent reason. But the way I looked at it, there were reasons. Eric was one of them, and I couldn't say that I wasn't part of it either.

  Adam looked down at his hands. "As much as I want to hate him, I can't. There are some things we can't just ignore. Things we might want to forget, but they are the same things that make us who we are today."

  "I can't stand being around him. It hurts."

  Adam's eyes softened around the edges as he lifted up my chin to his face. I closed my eyes, and he kissed me. Scenes from my dream flashed in my mind.

  My eyes snapped open and for a brief moment, I saw Eric's wicked smile, then it was gone. It lasted for less than a second, but it was enough to shake me to my core. The vision was vivid, and it was as if I could still feel the way he had bitten my lip, and the taste of my own blood.

  I immediately pulled away. "I'm sorry, I can't do this."

  "What's the matter?" Adam asked, eyeing me warily. Hurt. "Have I done something wrong?"

  "No−it's not. It's just..." I scrambled up for words, but I couldn't shake Eric’s face away from my mind. "I don't feel well," I said, pushing myself up from the ground. "I think I should go home now."

  "Kat, I'm sorry if−"

  "No, don't," I said, cutting him off. I grabbed my bag and slung it over my shoulder, all the while avoiding his gaze. "I'll see you tomorrow.”

  "Kat."

  I paused, though I didn't look back. Afraid that I might see Eric's face instead.

  "I love you," he said. "No matter what happens, I love you and I'll always will."

  Tears rushed in as I remembered the moment when I first heard those words coming from his lips. How I felt complete when he said it, knowing that he meant every single word.

  I turned back to face him. He was standing with his hands shoved inside his pockets, rocking on his heels. He smiled faintly at me, and it hurt me to realize that he wasn't waiting for an answer.

  If there was something more painful than grief, it was guilt. And though I knew that there was nothing I could do to be free from it, I consoled myself to the fact that at least, I was given a chance to do something I should've done before. Even if it was too late.

  "I love you, too," I said.

  Adam's smile grew wider, though it never reached his eyes. "I know, Kat. I know."

  ***

  I stared down at my beans, aware that my parents were watching me as I played with my dinner. They didn't say anything when I got home, but I knew them enough to know that they were worried about me.

  Mom began talking about her latest blog post, which Dad listened to attentively. Or at least that's what he wanted me to think, but his eyes flickered in my direction as if to make sure that I didn't disappear
into thin air.

  "I even got a comment from someone from India! Isn't that amazing?" Mom asked.

  "It is," Dad answered.

  "I think if this continues, I might average a hundred comments per post. Maybe I should start putting up some ad space. What do you guys think?"

  "That's a good idea."

  Finally Mom stopped talking, and both she and Dad turned to look at me expectantly.

  "You're quiet," Dad said, as if he hadn’t been checking my every move since I got home. "How's school?"

  "It's okay," I said.

  "Doesn't look okay to me," he said, putting his fork down on his plate.

  "I'm just tired."

  "You still doing that library volunteer thing?"

  "It ended last week," I said, spearing an asparagus stalk along with some beans and putting it in my mouth, hoping Dad would get the hint that I wasn't in the mood to talk. He didn't.

  "So what did you do after class?"

  "She was probably with Sara," Mom said, placing a hand over Dad's arm, to remind him to be easy on me.

  It was a gesture I'd seen so many times but never gotten used to. I knew what they were thinking. They're my parents and I knew that they truly cared for me, but I was tired of them cutting me extra slack just because of the accident. It was the same with other people too, only much worse. Like how I get to have "extra" chocolate syrup on my sundae at Marty's Diner, Mrs. Druthers giving me a rose or whatever "extra" blooms she happened to have whenever I passed by her beloved garden, strangers letting me cut in line at the cashiers, the list goes on. I knew I should be thankful, but I couldn't help but feel guilty for the undeserved kindness. Still, I realized that I couldn't blame them for their actions. Though some of them may have had the urge to do good, most of them were probably just reacting to the way I was behaving.

  If I wanted people to stop looking at me like was some sort of helpless invalid, I had better stop acting like one. Better yet, I should start doing a better job in pretending like I was okay. You know, fake it until you make it. Not tonight though.

  "May I be excused now?" I pushed myself out of my seat, not waiting for their permission.

  They didn't stop me, and I was grateful for it. I raced upstairs and locked myself in my room.