Understudy

by Wy, Denise Kim

I stared up the gray sky, taking a deep breath as I attempted to calm myself. It started drizzling.

  I was suddenly reminded of running across the parking lot while holding Adam's hand. And I need that hand now.

  I started running.

  ***

  "Kat?"

  Adam was sitting on a rock when I reached our secret place. He immediately stood up when he saw me.

  "I can't stand your brother!" I said in between breaths. I was still angry, though the running had helped calm me down a bit.

  "What happened?" He wrapped his arms around my body and I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his perpetual fresh bread scent.

  "You told me to be nice to him but I just can't," I said, my words slightly muffled by his shirt.

  "What did he do this time?"

  I told him everything that happened, knowing that I looked pathetic walking off without even defending myself. He didn't say anything though. He just sat in silence, waiting for me to finish, his thumb stroking my wrist.

  Once I finished, I raised my head to look at him. His expression thoughtful.

  "Just let him do what he wants. If he wants to make his own props, then let him," he said.

  "What?"

  "Well, he was right about making things easier for you. You've been busy lately."

  "B−but..." I pulled away to take a better look at him. I felt betrayed. "Why are you taking his side?"

  "I'm not. It's just that−" he paused, searching for the right words. "Just trust him on this. He won't screw this one up, I'm sure of it."

  "You’re sure?! Adam, I'm taking this play seriously and−"

  "Wait!" He pushed me away, his eyes looking over at something behind my shoulder. "Someone's here."

  I immediately turned around, just in time to see a figure coming towards us. I couldn't see who it was because of the trees and the bushes in the way. My body went cold.

  "What should we do?" I whispered, my voice cracking as I spoke. I was panicking.

  What if someone saw Adam? Would that person recognize him? Would Adam disappear?

  But before Adam could answer, I was able to see who the intruder was.

  It was Eric.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Eric was panting as he emerged from the bushes, his forehead glistening with sweat. It would have taken him less than five minutes if he ran all the way from school. Assuming that he followed me right away. He took more than that.

  We stared at each other for a long time, long enough for my heart to revert back to its normal rhythm as I realized that he couldn't see Adam behind me. Relief washed through me, but my anger for him had resurfaced, albeit not as intense as before.

  "You followed me?" I asked, though it wasn't much of a question.

  Eric shrugged. "Obviously."

  "Why?"

  His lips curled up. "Because I can."

  The familiar smile made my heart skip. He looked like Adam, except for his hair which fell just above his eyes.

  "How long have you been watching me?" I asked, unable to mask the irritation in my voice.

  "Long enough to realize that you have a habit of talking to yourself."

  I stole a quick glance at Adam over my shoulder. He shook his head. "I'm sorry," he mouthed.

  "So, you like being in the woods?" Eric asked, walking towards me. He moved quietly despite the dry leaves and brittle twigs scattered all over the ground. It reminded me of a panther stalking its prey. I felt trapped.

  "You shouldn't be out here by yourself," he said when I didn't answer. "It's dangerous, you might bump into some wild bear or something."

  "There are no wild bears here," I said, annoyed. "Besides, it's none of your business anyway. It's not as if you'd care if you discovered my mangled corpse or something."

  His brows furrowed together, as if my words troubled him. "Really? Is that how you perceive me?"

  Perceive? Seriously?

  "That's how everybody perceives you."

  "Can't say that I'm offended, let alone surprised."

  Adam heaved out a deep sigh, making me glance over my shoulder.

  "Are you expecting someone?" Eric asked, also looking over my shoulder.

  "What? No!" I said, failing to meet his gaze.

  Neither of us spoke. He looked at our surroundings, and I wondered if he could somehow sense Adam's presence. After all, twins were supposed to have this kind of special connection that binds them, unless it was just a myth.

  The sun was slowly setting making his eyes look a shade darker. His face looked kinder, relaxed, though he still wore a guarded expression, as if he didn't trust everything around him.

  "Let's go."

  "What?"

  "Let's get out of here," he said, gesturing towards the trail leading to the main road with his thumb.

  I stared at him.

  "I couldn't just leave a girl alone in the woods," he said when I didn't move. Then he added, "How do you think other people would perceive me if I do that?"

  "He's right," Adam said. "It's getting dark and I'd rather you have someone walk you home."

  "With him?"

  "Excuse me?" Eric looked at me over his shoulder.

  "I can walk myself," I said, hoping that he hadn’t heard what I said.

  He thought about it for a moment, his lips pursing. "Fine," he said, walking back to the trail.

  I waited until I was sure he was out of earshot before turning to Adam. "What the hell was that?"

  "I don't know, you tell me," he said, with a puzzled look that must've matched mine.

  "Do you think he heard us?"

  "I'm sure he didn't hear me. I'm not sure about you though." He buried his face in his hands and sighed. After a moment, he walked up to me and placed his hands on my shoulders. "Look, stop worrying about it, okay? Maybe it would be a good idea to let him walk you home."

  "What?!"

  "You heard me."

  "I can take care of myself," I said, lifting my chin.

  "Yeah, tell me that the next time you run away from school when someone bullies you," he said, grinning mischievously.

  I smacked him across his chest and he chuckled. "I'm just kidding," he whispered, grabbing my hand and pulling me close to him.

  I rested my head on his shoulder, holding onto him as tight as I could. "I miss you," I said.

  "But you see me every day."

  "It's not the same."

  He sighed, his breath warm against my skin. "I know, but it's better than nothing."

  He held my hand and pressed it to his lips. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

  I didn't answer. I didn't have to. Instead, I leaned over and kissed him.

  "See you later," I said, reluctantly pulling away.

  As I emerged from the woods, I froze dead in my tracks when I found Eric standing with his hands shoved inside his pockets. His eyes lit up as soon as he saw me and I felt my stomach clench. Did he wait for me?

  "Ready to go?" he asked.

  "Why are you still here?"

  "I told you, I can't just leave a girl alone in the woods."

  "Even if it's Amanda?"

  He snorted. "I can make exceptions."

  To my surprise, I smiled. It felt wrong.

  "Come on," he said, moving along without waiting for me. As if he knew I was going to follow him, which I did. I didn't really have a choice considering his house was on the same street as mine.

  As if reading my mind, he asked, "You're still in Johnson Street, right?"

  I nodded, noticing that he kept his distance by falling a step behind.

  I fixed my attention to the setting sun as we walked together in silence, loving the way the sky transformed from orange to dark blue in just a few moments. Stars had also began to appear, and I wondered if Adam would be staring at them tonight.

  "Look, I'm sorry about earlier," Eric said. "But I talked to Mr. Blake and he's okay with me working on my own stage props."

  I opened my mouth to protest when I remember
ed Adam telling me to let Eric do whatever he wanted with his props. I didn't understand why he was taking his side, but I knew Adam must have a good reason for doing so. After all, he knew his brother better. So despite the internal battle raging in my head, I replied, "Okay."

  Eric's step faltered for a second, no doubt surprised by my answer, or lack of it.

  "Are you sure?" he asked.

  "Yes."

  Was that the reason why he followed me? We continued walking in silence, my curiosity growing with every step. I tried to distract myself by counting the cars passing down the road. There weren't a lot of them.

  It had been a long time since I walked home with anyone. Not even with Sara. I had already gotten used to being by myself. I never imagined that I would end up walking home with Eric.

  "So... You just go visit the woods by yourself?" he suddenly asked.

  I was a bit surprised by him trying to initiate small talk. He asked the wrong question though. The woods was an off-limit subject. "It's none of your business."

  "Relax, I'm not going to tell anyone if it's a secret."

  "It's not a secret, it's just..." I racked my brain for an excuse. I didn't want him to think that I went there all time. Well, not just him, anyone. It was supposed to be a secret. In the end, I just gave up. "Forget about it."

  He chuckled, the sound of it reminding me of Adam. "Don't worry, it doesn't really matter. I have my own secret hiding place. I don't plan on invading yours."

  I turned to look at him. The sun was already gone though the light from a nearby street lamp was bright enough for me to see his face. He looked amused.

  I didn't respond. I didn't know how. I was baffled by his sudden mood swings. One second he was an asshole, then he'd transform into an amicable person. It was like spending time with a schizophrenic.

  "Why did you follow me?" I asked, not able to hide my curiosity any longer.

  Eric didn't respond, and I didn't expect him to as we moved along. But after a moment, he finally said, "I wanted to apologize."

  I recalled the first time he apologized to me. I didn't see him as the apologetic kind. Not from Adam's stories, and definitely not for the accident either.

  Aside from the cafeteria incident on the first day of school, Eric never mentioned anything about Adam. It was as if nothing had happened at all. While people like Jeremiah were sad about Adam's death, Eric remained indifferent. He wasn't sorry for the death of his own brother, his own flesh and blood, yet he was capable of being sorry for a stranger like me.

  I pictured Adam in my mind. Dead at eighteen. His life abruptly ended by a single call. He would never get to accomplish his dreams and experience new things.

  The growing urge to confront Eric became stronger the more I thought about it. I clasped my hands together, my heart thundering in my ears. I had rehearsed this moment in my head so many times. The words felt like acid on my tongue, wanting to spill out, yet I couldn't say them.

  Instead, I glanced over my shoulder to look at him, the same moment as a speeding eight wheeler truck passed us by. The sound of the engine was loud in my ears as the wind blew on my face, messing up my hair.

  Eric had stopped walking. In fact, he froze, shoulders stiff, eyes tightly shut.

  I expected him to get angry, maybe curse the driver or something. But he remained rooted on the ground, lips pressed tight.

  "What's the matter?" I asked.

  He opened his eyes, but immediately looked away, "N−nothing," he stammered.

  "Your hands are shaking."

  "They're not," he said, shoving them inside his pockets. "I was just startled."

  He was far more than startled. If anything, he was shaken. It was as if the truck had scared the living hell out of him.

  "Let's go," he said, walking past me.

  "Are you sure you're fine?" I asked, surprised by my sudden concern.

  No answer. He continued walking as if he didn't hear me, and I decided not to push it.

  ***

  Eric remained quiet as we reached Johnson Street. His house was located two blocks away from mine, and I was surprised when he passed by his house and continued walking with me. What surprised me more though, was the fact that he knew my house. I couldn't even remember him being there before.

  "See you tomorrow then," he said as we reached my place. He was about to add something when Sara's voice cut through the silence of the quiet neighborhood, making Eric and I turn around in surprise.

  "There you are! I've been waiting for you for−" she stopped, her eyes flickering between me and Eric. Her initial surprise quickly turned to hatred. “What the hell?!”

  "You son of a bitch!" she said, as she stood up from her comfortable perch in my front yard bench.

  Eric turned back to his house without acknowledging Sara's presence, which I realized was perhaps for the best. Sara was furious.

  "What the hell was that?" Sara asked, walking towards me with arms akimbo. "Is he harassing you?"

  "No he−"

  "He followed you?"

  "Well−"

  Sara sighed dramatically, shaking her head.

  "Can we talk inside? In my bedroom, and I'd appreciate it if you'd keep your voice down," I said, before she could interrupt me again.

  Sara nodded, her lips jutting out in frustration as we walked up to the front door.

  "Oh, you're back," Mom said when we passed by the living room. "How did the book signing go? Did you meet Nicholas Sparks?"

  I blinked at her in confusion. Dad, who was busy flipping channels with the remote, looked up at me with a masked expression.

  "Yup, she did and she's still a bit star struck!" Sara answered, pulling me towards the stairs.

  “What the hell was that?” I hissed at her once my parents were out of earshot.

  “I’ll explain later,” she said sheepishly.

  We climbed the stairs two steps at the time and I wondered what Sara had gotten me into.

  Once we reached my bedroom, I immediately shut the door and locked it. I took a deep breath and braced for the worst.

  "Okay, explain,” I said.

  Sara flopped down on my bed, flicking her blonde hair. "Your parents were a little freaked out when I showed up without you. So basically, I had to come up with a lie to save your ass."

  "And how did I end up meeting Nicholas Sparks?"

  "Well, I told them you were at the public library when I remembered that the summer reading program had ended a long time ago. So, I said that there was a book signing event and you're a Sparks fan so...You know what happened next."

  "You're the Sparks fan," I said, sitting beside her.

  "Yeah, I am," she said, collapsing onto my bed.

  I sighed, realizing that I’d been holding my breath. I was thankful for Sara's quick thinking, but I had no idea why she was here in the first place. "Why are you here, anyway?"

  "You left your school bag after you decided to go AWOL," Sara said, her tone not as cheerful as it was just seconds ago. "I dropped it off for you thinking you were home."

  "Oh, thank you," I said, dreading the next question. It didn't come right away though.

  We lay side by side in silence, our stomachs rising and falling with our rhythmic breathing.

  I could hear Dad's TV playing softly in the background and I wondered if he had finally settled on a single channel, and if he believed Sara's lie.

  "So, what was he doing with you?" Sara asked.

  "He followed me."

  "Where did you go anyway?"

  I stared at the ceiling, contemplating my next answer. I wanted to tell her everything, but that would also include Adam. If I had it my way, I would've told her everything a long time ago. I missed being able to share everything with her. Sara and I vowed to support each other through thick and thin, no matter what. But then, the situation I had gotten myself into wasn't an ordinary one. I couldn't risk it, even if it meant lying to my best friend.

  "Somewhere," I said, my voice cracki
ng a bit.

  "Somewhere," she repeated with a hint of suspicion. I didn't dare look at her.

  "I'm not sure. I'm tired, and it's nothing...really."

  "So you just spent the whole time with him?"

  "No, of course not."

  "Then how would you explain him walking you home?"

  I let my gaze wander around the room before settling on her wide blue eyes. I immediately regretted it.

  "Don't tell me…"

  “What?”

  “Well, I don’t want to jump in to conclusions, and I couldn’t blame you since he looks a lot like Adam with them being twins and everything.”

  "It's not what you think, Sara."

  She didn't answer right away. She pushed herself up from the bed, turning her back to me, making it impossible to see her expression. "You're right. It's none of my business."

  "It's not like that."

  I hate this. I missed the time when Sara knew everything that was happening to me.

  "I thought for a moment that he was Adam," she said.

  "What?"

  "When I saw you walk right there with him. I thought I was seeing Adam. You two always walked home together if he didn’t want to drive." she paused, as if she was trying to bring back those days. Then with a sigh, she added, "But it is impossible."

  I felt a lump in my throat. "It is."

  "I really wanted him to be Adam, you know," she said, her back still facing me. "That would make things perfect again."

  Perfect. It was a fitting word. Everything was perfect when Adam was around.

  "But he's not."

  Sara glanced over my shoulder, fixing her eyes on mine. "Yes, he's not." Her tone was firm, like a mother reminding her child not to talk to strangers. "And I hope you'd keep that in mind."

  Sara's words remained in my head long after she went home. It kept me awake up until midnight. I hated the fact that she sounded like I was going to replace Adam with Eric.

  Yes, there were times that seeing Eric made me think for a second that it was Adam. That somehow, the accident was nothing but a nightmare. But that didn't mean that he could replace Adam. It would take more than their similar physical features to do that. Eric had to possess Adam's attitude and kind heart to be able to be like him. But then again, no. Not even then. Adam was one of a kind. Cloning him would be useless as well. Nothing could ever replace him. Sara should've known that of all people.