Understudy

by Wy, Denise Kim

  Eric took a step closer. With shoulders hunched forward and hands shoved deep inside his pockets, he looked broken. "I love you and it hurts that you pretend that you don't feel the same way because of my brother."

  "Don't drag him into this. You're not Adam and−"

  "Yes, I'm not him and that makes me angry! It makes me angry that the accident happened because of me and now he's dead! It makes me angry that I have to compete with my dead brother for the girl I love."

  I felt Lily's hand tighten around mine as she moved closer to my side. She shouldn't have heard all of that.

  "Just leave, Eric," I said. Then turning to Lily, I said, "Let's go. Your dad might have returned, and we don't want him to freak out when he finds the truck empty."

  Lily nodded. We turned towards the road and started walking. My legs were shaking. I was still reeling from his words.

  It makes me angry that I have to compete with my dead brother for the girl I love.

  I couldn't shake it out of my head; his voice rang in my ears and it was all I could hear. I didn't notice Lily had let go of my hand until I heard the sound of a speeding vehicle.

  When I looked around, the first thing I saw was one of her ragdolls lying on the ground, and Eric crouching down to pick it up.

  There was a loud screeching sound and I was instantly transported back to Adam's car, just a few seconds before impact. My body went cold and everything seemed to slow down. I felt like a spectator, watching everything from another person's perspective. Like I wasn't really there. It wasn't until I looked into Eric eyes that I remembered how to move again.

  There was no time to think. I acted on impulse and ran forward to grab Lily by the waist, lifting her up and spinning her away from the oncoming truck as I screamed Eric's name.

  ***

  The last time I was in an emergency room, I was unconscious.

  I was probably lying on a gurney, bloody and broken as a team of doctors and nurses tended to me, while another team tried to save Adam.

  I never really thought about it, since the only thing that came into my mind whenever I look back to the accident was the moment I learned about Adam's death. Now, as a nurse led me to the waiting area, all I could think of was Eric, and how I felt like the doctors were not doing their best, which was absurd considering that I knew nothing about what they do except for the universal fact that they heal people. That they save lives. But they failed to save Adam's. What if they failed with Eric as well?

  "Is he going to be alright?" Lily asked, and that's when I remembered that she was there, clutching her dolls like a security blanket. Her skin looked pale though she did not seem hurt.

  I realized that her dad might be panicking right now, and I immediately fished out my mobile phone to call him.

  "Eric saved Emily," Lily said. Her voice was weak and I saw something in her eyes that felt very familiar. It was guilt. "Do you think the doctors can save him too?"

  I imagined Lily growing up, and thought about how this might affect her for life depending on the outcome of Eric's injuries. Or if he'd even survive them. I didn't want her to blame herself. I wanted to preserve her innocence as much as possible.

  I'm not an optimist, I'm more of a glass half empty person, but at that moment, Lily needed me to become her light amidst the darkness.

  "They will, Lily. I know they will." I held her hand tightly in mine, wanting so much to believe in my own words.

  Chapter Twenty−Nine

  Eric

  Everything hurt, but what really struck me was the familiarity of it all. I had a hard time separating the past from the present.

  I was coming in and out of consciousness, and the only thing that remained constant was the pain.

  I was aware that I was being wheeled into the hospital. Faces stared down at me as the lights blurred above their heads.

  "Stay with me, Eric. You're going to be fine," someone said. Her voice was firm and reassuring, and I remembered the first time I was told those same words. I did not end up fine after that.

  Finally, we stopped moving and the smell of antiseptic filled my nostrils, bringing on a wave of nausea that did nothing to dull the pain.

  When I opened my eyes again, a face was looking back at me. I assumed her to be the same doctor who spoke to me earlier. "We're going to do everything we can, Eric," she said. She was wearing a face mask so all I could see were her eyes, but even then, I thought she looked awfully young to be my doctor. I wanted to ask her age, as if knowing would help me with my current situation. But my eyelids started to feel heavy and the pain was slowly ebbing away, finally. Everything around me seemed to disappear and I never got to ask her age.

  ***

  I was standing in the middle of the street facing our old house back in Ohio. It was autumn, and everything glowed in orange. It was my favorite time of the year.

  A young boy came rushing down from our front porch. He was sporting a buzz cut that made him look like he was joining the army, and I gasped in surprise when he stopped by in front of me. It was Adam, back when we were eight. We were standing eye to eye, and that's when I realized that I was inside my eight year old body. I was a boy again.

  "Let's race to the city fountain with these!" he exclaimed, holding a pair of roller skates which I recognized as mine. I looked down to see he was wearing his.

  I surveyed our surroundings; there was no one around, but I felt like we weren't really alone and that something was about to happen.

  "Come on, Eric! Don't be such a wuss!" Adam was showing off on his skates and I couldn't help but smile. It had been a long time since we had fun, and seeing him as a boy again brought back a flood of sweet memories that made my eyes water. But the feeling did not last long.

  The memory came crashing down like plane crash, sudden and terrifying. I finally remembered where I was and what was about to happen.

  In a blink of an eye, Adam was on the ground, his knee bleeding from a huge gash. His face was contorted in pain, but it was the speeding van behind him that made my heart race..

  "Get out of the road!" I screamed. But he didn't seem to have heard me. He was staring at his wound, crying, unaware of his surroundings.

  The van was getting closer and I was torn between two choices. To go through it all over again, or change my destiny. But, the decision had been made a long time ago. There was never an option of doing otherwise.

  I ran towards him, just like the first time. Adam screamed, a piercing sound slicing through the silence. I closed my eyes and waited for the pain. It didn't come.

  My heart was still hammering in my ears when I reopened my eyes. Adam was gone, so was the van and everything else. I was lying on the ground surrounded by trees. It took me a moment to realize that I was in the woods. I turned around and saw a lake in front of me. It was the same lake Kat had visited when I followed her the day after Christmas. The day I saw her talking to the air, to Adam. I remembered watching her and thinking how lucky my brother was to have someone love him like that. And I also wanted to hold Kat in my arms and turn her tears into a smile. But I only stood there, watching. It seemed rude to intrude on a moment like that. She looked so vulnerable, but I knew it wasn't my arms she was yearning for.

  "That never gets old."

  I turned around to see Adam walking towards me. He was wearing a blue shirt and he looked about the same age as I was.

  I should have been surprised, but seeing him felt normal. It was like he never disappeared at all. "What never gets old?"

  "Watching you pull me out of the way to save me."

  "Yeah, you pretty much ruined my life," I said.

  Adam smiled, showing the dimple he got from Mom. He stopped beside me and offered his arm. "Need a hand?"

  "I need a leg," I said, but I took his hand anyway and he helped me up to my feet. I was surprised by how easy it was, and it suddenly occurred to me that I was standing on my two feet.

  "Where's my leg?" I asked.

  "You have both," A
dam said, still smiling.

  "You know what I mean." I bent down and rolled the pants up on my right leg. What I saw almost made me cry.

  It was my leg. The real one, made of bone, flesh and skin. I was overwhelmed beyond belief. After living the last ten years of my life wearing a prosthetic leg, I had forgotten what it felt like to have both limbs. But the celebration was short lived when I realized what it meant. "Am I dead?"

  Adam crossed his arms, an amused expression flashing on his face. "What do you think?"

  I stood up and examined my body. I never felt this whole. "I don't feel dead."

  "Then you're not dead."

  "But why are you here?"

  He shrugged. Then after a few seconds, he said, "I heard you were great as Tiny Tim."

  "I'm always great at what I do," I said. "I can beat your ass any time in just about anything, brother."

  I waited for him to argue, but then, Adam wasn't the one to argue about things. He was the pacifist.

  We were both silent for awhile, and I followed his gaze towards the lake, where the surface glistened under the sun. I was once again reminded of Kat, and I wondered if she had found this place on her own.

  "So, about Kat..." I heard myself say.

  Adam shook his head, smiling as he did. "It's about time. I've been waiting for you to mention her."

  "I'm sorry, but I think I'm already in love with your girl." I wanted it come out as a joke, but what I felt about Kat was never a joke. It was real.

  "Yeah, that kinda sucks," Adam said. "I never imagined that could happen. Never in my wildest dreams. I was more hoping you'd like Sara instead."

  "Are you fucking mental?"

  "She's nice. At least to me. Guess you should give her more time."

  "I don't think that's ever going to happen."

  "Why not?" His question felt like a sharp poke in my gut.

  "Kat is right. I should just leave her alone."

  Adam turned to face me, his eyebrows furrowing. "And you're going to walk away just like that?" he asked, then without missing a beat, he shoved me on my chest with his elbow. It hurt a little. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

  "I can't compete with you," I said, taking a step back.

  “Who said anything about competing? We’re no longer kids, Eric.”

  I didn’t answer, I suddenly felt ashamed. He was right, but I felt like no matter what I do, Kat would only be reminded of Adam. That I’d be living under his shadow. "She still loves you,” I said. “She still loves you and we both know it.”

  Adam sighed. "And she'll move on. I will be nothing but a memory to her, and that's where you come along."

  "As what? As your replacement? Your understudy?" I ran my hand across my face. I wanted to scream. "I don't want that. I want her to love me as I am."

  "And she does. She already does."

  I looked at him this time. "How do you know?"

  "Because I felt it," he said, avoiding my gaze. "She's just not sure." There was something sad in the way he said it. And though he tried to hide it, I knew it hurt. “Just give her time.”

  "I know this is embarrassing, but I kinda missed talking to you like this," I said, trying to lighten things up. "It's way better than you lecturing me about−"

  "Please don't give up on her just yet," he said, cutting me off. "I know it's not easy. But there's no other person I'd rather be with her than you. At least I know she'd be in good hands."

  "You think so highly of me. You're making me blush."

  "Why not? You saved my life."

  "No, stop it!" I hated it when he said that. I’d made him swear never to mention it to anyone. I didn't feel like a hero. I did what I did because he was my brother.

  "Oh, my dear brother," Adam said, "You should be proud of it. I am proud of you."

  "I killed you with that phone call," I said.

  "It was an accident, for crying out loud!" Adam said, almost screaming. "See, this is why Kat is better off with you. Both of you won't stop blaming yourselves for the accident!"

  That was a surprise. "She does?"

  "Yes. All the time."

  "But I thought she blamed me."

  "That's the thing. I don't really think she does."

  I couldn't believe it. I never would've thought that she blamed herself for the accident. I thought she was just upset.

  "You can't just leave her. Especially now. She needs you." I felt Adam's hand on my shoulder. He was right. She needed me.

  "Look, I owe you my life," Adam said. "I should've been dead ten years ago, but you risked your life for me. And if it makes you feel better, I blamed myself for it. I know you don't say it out loud, but I feel responsible for everything that happened to you afterwards.

  "You were always the outgoing one. You're the explorer, the optimist. And I watched it all disappear as they fitted your prosthetic leg. You were never really the black sheep of the family, and even if you were, it was all because of me."

  I opened my mouth to speak, but no words came out. So I hugged him instead. The last time we had our arms around each other was during second grade, when Mom and Dad used to argue at night. They thought we couldn't hear them, but we did. And we were worried that they'd get a divorce. That they might go their separate ways and we'd be forced to get separated as well. Just like in Parent Trap.

  So every time our parents argued at night, Adam and I would go to a corner and wrap our arms around each other. We agreed that we wouldn't care if they left us, as long as we had each other.

  And as I hugged him now, I was that boy again, who believed that no matter what happened, I'd always have a brother watching my back. And seeing him now meant that our bond couldn't be broken even by death itself.

  "You should go back now," he said as we pulled away. "Don't give up on her."

  "I won't." I nodded.

  Adam looked at me one last time and started walking away. In the blink of an eye, he was gone.

  Chapter Thirty

  Kat

  Eric woke up. The news felt like a ray of sunshine after a dark storm. I was never religious or anything, but I said silent prayer of thanks as Dr. Robbins told me that aside from a dislocated shoulder and some cuts and bruises, Eric was going to be fine. But I was not allowed to see him until his parents arrived.

  Mr. Cromley had already come to pick Lily up, and I promised to call her as soon as Eric woke up. I was just about to pick up the phone when Eric's parents came out of the elevator. As soon as Mrs. Wharton saw me, I felt myself freeze.

  I expected her to get mad at me, but she and her husband just went to Eric's room without confronting me. I didn't allow myself to relax just yet though.

  I stayed in the waiting area, wondering if I'd even get to see him now that his parents had arrived. I knew that Mrs. Wharton blamed me for the accident, even without her saying it. And I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk to Eric, not after I told him to leave me alone.

  I buried my face in my hands as I weighed my options. I could just leave. It would be easier for both of us.

  A gentle tap on my shoulder made me sit up, and I almost jumped in surprise to see Mr. Wharton looking down at me.

  "Eric wants to see you," he said. It was probably the first conversation we’d had since Adam introduced me to his parents.

  I was awash with embarrassment, followed by guilt. "I'm sorry−"

  "No," Mr. Wharton said, waving me off. "We heard what happened. It's not your fault."

  His eyes were fixed on me the whole time, and I realized that his eyebrows arched the same way as Adam's. "It's okay, he's waiting for you now," he said.

  "But you just came in?"

  "He specifically asked for you."

  I pulled myself up and made my way towards Eric's room. I was half expecting Mrs. Wharton to stop me at the door, and I would have turned around without her saying a word. But the door was wide open.

  Eric's eyes were closed when I came in, and a nurse stood beside his bed checking his I
V drip. I was about to step out, thinking he was just given a sedative, but the nurse looked at me and motioned for me to take a seat on the opposite side of the bed. "He's awake," she said.

  And as if to prove her point, Eric cracked his eyes open. "Hey," he croaked.

  I stood next to his bed and examined him. His left arm was in a cast and there was a huge bandage across his forehead as well as some parts of his body. But it wasn't the extent of his injuries that made me gasp. It was what was underneath the blanket where his right leg should've been.

  I slowly placed my hand over it, thinking it might be an illusion. But I ended up feeling the mattress underneath the blanket. I began to cry.

  "Oh my god! Your leg..."

  Eric tilted his head forward, making him wince. "Yeah, about that," he said, exhaling. "Guess Tiny Tim was more fortunate than me, huh?"

  The fact that he could still joke about it made me want to punch his face. But my limbs felt like they were made of jelly and I found myself collapsing on to the chair. "I'm sorry," I said, and I flat out cried beside him.

  Eric closed his eyes and shook his head. "No no. It's been gone a long time," he said. He tried to sit up, only to slump back on his bed and groan in agony.

  "You shouldn't be moving around just yet," the nurse said. She took one last look at the devices beside the bed and left the room, closing the door behind her.

  Eric took a deep breath and opened his eyes. "It's not what you think, okay?" He slowly raised his uninjured hand and pointed towards the end of the room.

  On the floor, propped up on the wall, was a beaten-up prosthetic leg. It was folded in the middle in an unnatural way that made it look more like a scrap found in junkyards than a synthetic limb.

  I returned my gaze to Eric, confused.

  "That's my leg," he said.

  When I didn't answer, he told me the story of how he lost his leg back when he and Adam were little.

  Suddenly, everything started to make sense. I finally understood what Adam meant when he said that he owed Eric. It also explained why he didn't seem to be hurt when Reggie spilled coffee on his leg, or when he landed on it when he broke my fall back in the storage room. I also understood why he insisted on making his own props instead of being fitted for a leg brace. He didn't want anyone to know that he was wearing a prosthetic.