Average Joe and the Extraordinaires

by Belart Wright

  Fleez: “Hello, Liza. How are you today?”

  Liza: “Peachy, now let’s get this over with.”

  Fleez: “Looks like we have a tough match today. Liza doesn’t seem too excited at the prospect of hooking up with Mod, or maybe she just wants to hurry up and get to the mating.”

  Mod stood and spoke up to everyone’s surprise.

  Mod: “I can’t handle a girl that you were with, Fleez.”

  Fleez: “We all know, Mod, but you don’t need to be scared of a wittle bitty girly.”

  Mod: “What I mean to say is, I don’t want your sloppy seconds. If that’s all you’re offering, then I’m better off on my own.”

  The lunchroom was silent. Everyone’s eyes were on Fleez, wondering what he would do next. He kept a smile on his face, but his eyes held contempt. Liza looked annoyed.

  Fleez: “So Liza’s not good enough for you? You’ve gone all Hollywood on me, Modrick, if you’re denying girls that are this far out of your league.”

  Mod: “I’m saying that if she’s good enough for you, then she’s not good enough for me.”

  Fleez: “I thought Dozz already explained this ‘league’ business to you Modrick.”

  Mod was, surprisingly, grinning and brimming with confidence.

  Mod: “I’ll show you. My proof lies in exhibit A. Lights, boys!”

  Mod pulled a remote control from his pocket, which made a few people flinch as if it were something else. Once he had done that, the lights went out and a large blue square appeared on the rear wall. Then the blue square transitioned into footage of a house, a house that seemed to be nearly dilapidated. It was wracked with weeds on its unkempt lawn and there were tires and various garbage strewn about. Broken down cars sat on the side of the house, and on the other side there was a large field where it looked like there might have been another house at some point.

  Mod’s voice boomed through the speakers. He spoke as if he were telling a story.

  "Today we watch as a story is told from the viewpoint of this camera on the unsuspecting residents of this household. Inside is a family very different than yours and mine. Let’s delve in and find out the mysteries of the trailer trash clan…"

  The camera zoomed in, and Fleez could be spotted with an older looking man that looked somewhat like him, except much older and much fatter. They both looked to be working on the cars that sat in their driveway.

  "Watch as the papa savage teaches the flea-infested savage junior how to scavenge, an important skill in the world of the bologna-loving gear-heads of this part of Orangetown. Tonight, they will grill hot dogs over the hot engine to feed their displaced tribe."

  A few laughs shot forth from around the mostly quiet lunchroom. Not many, but enough to annoy Fleez. He looked on at the video, and instructed Dozz and Byron to find the projector, but no one could tell where it had been set up.

  "Here we catch a glimpse of the bonding process at another household. Some of you may want to look away, this next part isn’t for the faint of heart."

  The camera slowly peeked around the corner of some part of the house. It seemed to Joe that Mod had snuck inside the house and was trying to be as quiet as possible. Joe honestly didn’t think that his friend was that reckless, but this was the same kid who had snuck beers into the Pickers’ football stadium. An older man’s voice had begun to yell from the speakers.

  “Git in here, boy! You know I need yer help! Come on and bring that sponge with you!”

  A familiar voice answered him back.

  “Hold your horses, Grandpa, dang! I’m doin’ stuff!”

  “Boy, ain’t nothing more important than getting’ the dirt offah Granpa’s back and toes. Come on now, hurry!”

  Someone stomped through and the camera retreated back around the corner until the footsteps had stopped, and when it peeked around the corner again Dozz could be seen through a crack in the bathroom doors and so could his grandpa. He had a sponge in his hand and was scrubbing his grandpa’s back.

  “I’m getting too old for this, Grandpa. It’s embarrassing, man.”

  “Ain’t nothin’ embarrassing about this. Kids should be grateful that us old folks lived so you could be here. This shows yer grateful.”

  “Whatever, Grandpa.”

  The camera cut again to what looked to be a little Fleez running with other little kids, all of them with sticks in their hands striking out at each other. Big Fleez could be seen in the background, so the little version must’ve been his brother.

  "In youth, the members of this family engage in barbaric activities as training for their future lives of scavenging. This young one here is learning the art of pain. Watch as he bashes other kids and claims leadership of the wild pack."

  A little girl splashed in the mud and made mud houses.

  "This one is the smallest of the pack and learning ways of hut building for when she finds some other little savage to marry someday.”

  The next shot was one of Fleez asleep in one of the abandoned cars.

  Night time is almost upon us, and this one must seek shelter before it gets cold. He burrows his way into the body of this car, surely feasting on cold hot dogs and squirrel. He may be safe here for the night."

  Movie Fleez started snoring so loudly that he almost drowned out Mod’s commentary as the camera approached him. He let out a loud snort when the camera came too close.

  "This one is a near adult savage and is being groomed to lead the pack. He knows the ways of the grease monkey and can open up a can of pork n’ beans like no one else. Oh no, here comes the mama savage!"

  A large woman came out of the house and began calling Fleez from the porch of the large but worn house.

  “Bartholomew! Bartholomew! I know your ‘sleep over there, Bartholomew!”

  “What do you want, Momma?”

  “You ain’t use none of that foot fungus medication yet. I ain’t spend fifty dollars on that you so can ignore it. Next time you step inside of my house you better use that dang medication or you ain’t comin’ in.”

  “Alright, go away, Momma.”

  Finally, one of the lunch ladies cut the lights back on and Mr. Serano showed up, found the projector and unplugged it. That didn’t stop the laughs though. There were about as many as when Team Badd Azz had done pukeball. Fleez was still as stone and Mod stood there looking into the crowd, smirking. He took a bow and then another in front of his audience. Joe had even seen Liza laughing over in her seat. Joe didn’t laugh. The situation was still too tense for his liking.

  Mod: “Thank you, thank you! I’ll be here all day, folks! Just call me Mod the Sod, your friendly neighborhood fool.”

  Not only had he embarrassed them, he was also taking their shtick. Mod was playing with fire. Dozz was pissed, but Fleez kept his cool and grinned at Mod. It wasn’t his usual triumphant grin, but a more sedated one.

  Fleez: “That was well played, Mod, and worthy of my respect.”

  Mod gave him a lazy salute.

  Mod: “Thank you.”

  Fleez: “It was an inspired performance that’s for sure, only…”

  Silence. Fleez laughed, but he was the only one.

  Fleez: “Only … that was my family that you were making fun of, and nobody makes fun of them but me.”

  Joe hadn’t noticed until now how close Fleez had gotten to Mod. He was close enough to spit on Mod, and that’s what he did, first. Then he grabbed him, lifted him, and slammed him to the ground. Everyone around them stood up to see the carnage, and obscured Joe’s view. Joe tried to make his way through the crowd, but there were so many people in his way that it was like fighting against a tide. When he finally reached the front, he saw Mod being mauled by the much bigger Fleez. Most of Fleez’s blows were wild and inaccurate though, and missed Mod as he covered his head and withdrew into his arms. The few blows that got through Mod’s guard looked horrifically painful.

  Joe had seen enough, and Fleez had gotten away with enough. He took his necklace off and put it
on the table to avoid being choked by it. He clawed his way through the last few folks that were in his path and then dived into Fleez with as much force as he could muster, which brought forth memories of his days playing JV Football. Both he and Fleez went to the ground hard and landed a few feet away from Mod. Joe, on top, threw a wild punch at Fleez, which was deflected. Fleez grabbed the front of Joe’s shirt and tried to wrest him down, but Joe pushed away and managed to hit Fleez in the face. Fleez recoiled and crawled from under Joe, and both boys got to their feet. Joe lunged at Fleez again and crashed into him. Both stayed on their toes and began to tussle, before Fleez slammed Joe to the ground and started hitting him in the chest and face. Mr. Serano and Mr. Caltabaldi showed up from seemingly nowhere and struggled and finally managed to pull the boys apart. It was a mercy, and Joe counted himself lucky not to have broken anything. At the end of it all, Fleez, Joe, and Mod were all bruised and bloody, and the lunch room had indeed gotten a show.

  Chapter 26

  Hero?

  Both Joe and Mod sat in the office waiting for the principal to get back from assessing the situation in the lunch room. They were both separated from Fleez to avoid any further fighting and were both glad for that. He had done a number on the both of them, leaving them bruised and bloody. Joe was bleeding from his nose and from his knuckles from when he’d missed a punch at Fleez and hit the floor instead. His chest and sides were bruised and aching as well. Even so, his injuries were small compared to Mod’s. Mod had a bloody nose that might be broken. He had welts all over his neck and face, a black eye, and Joe feared that he might also have a concussion and maybe a back injury from being slammed so hard to the ground.

  They were both silent when they weren’t groaning. It had taken seemingly forever for the principal to return, and when he did he brought an entourage of Mr. Serano, Mr. Caltabaldi, and a few of the lunch ladies. None of them had been any help when Mod was being harassed by Team Badd Azz.

  Mr. Serano walked up and placed Joe’s necklace on his lap.

  Mr. Serano: “I believe this is yours.”

  He walked away to join the rest of the faculty.

  Mod: “That’s an ugly necklace, dude.”

  Joe laughed and shook his head. It was all he had to remember Beauty and her promise to protect him. He didn’t care how ugly it was.

  Mr. Patrias and the rest were all talking about the situation and coming up with conclusions that were wrong. They hadn’t been part of it, and only had what limited and most likely wrong information was provided to them. It was always that way with fights. The kids that liked or feared Fleez and Dozz, which there were more of, would take their sides and report a story that would help them. Joe knew that he and Mod had very little chance of coming out of this being seen as the victims that they were.

  After all the talking was done, Mr. Patrias walked up to Joe and Mod, looking grim. He handed them both tissues to wipe the blood from their faces, and pointed Joe to the basket to discard the tissue he used to stop the blood from his nose.

  Mr. Patrias: “Go to my office, both of you. I’ll be in there shortly.”

  They walked into the office and took their seats. The principal had stepped out for a minute, leaving Joe and Mod in silence.

  Mod: “I wish that they would get this over with already.”

  Joe: “They’re going to suspend us.”

  Mod: “Yep, and it was totally worth it.”

  They laughed until it hurt too much to laugh anymore. Principal Patrias walked back into the office with a stack of papers in his hand. He closed the door behind him and walked over to his desk, where he set the neat stack down.

  Mr. Patrias: “So … gentlemen…”

  He took the time to look both of them in the eyes dramatically.

  Mr. Patrias: “Violence? In my lunchroom? That’s intolerable. We can’t have that in our building.”

  Mod: “Tell that to Fleez. He jumped on me, not the other way around.”

  Mr. Patrias: “I understand that you played a humiliating video of Bart and his family.”

  There was no way Mod could get out of being blamed for that. His voice was on the video.

  Mod: “Yes I did, but that was only to pay him back for the last two times he humiliated me. Notice that in those times I never laid my hands on him.”

  Mr. Patrias: “Now, you know that two wrongs don’t make a right, Modrick. There was no valid reason to play that video, humiliating him like that. What’s more, you used precious school equipment to do it with. Our budget is not so bloated that we can have our A/V equipment used for such a trivial thing as a prank video. You did this without permission and blatantly violated our rules.”

  Mod: “I wouldn’t have had to do it if you didn’t let Fleez run roughshod over the lunchroom. The last several days he’s been making my life hell and embarrassing me in front of everyone.”

  Mr. Patrias: “His name is Bart, not Fleez. But Bart. I can assure you that we are handling him as well.”

  Mod: “Like you handled him after he and Dozz threw all that junk on me? Yeah, you guys are handling that like pros. Yup, he was definitely reprimanded and suspended—oh wait, he wasn’t.”

  BAM! The principal banged his hand against the desk loudly, silencing Mod.

  Mr. Patrias: “That’s enough! Your smart mouth is getting us nowhere. The fact of the matter is an altercation was started on school premises thanks to you. You instigated it, and although, yes, Bartholomew did escalate to physical violence, you provoked him and had your friend attack him two-on-one.”

  Joe: “Mod was getting creamed! I couldn’t let that monster Fleez kill him like that.”

  Mr. Patrias: “I assure you, Mr. Black, your friend was not going to die. A little schoolyard tussle never killed anybody. I frown upon it, but if it must be done, do it with honesty at least. So yes, for your part, Joseph, you will also be punished.”

  Mod, visibly angered, sighed at his helplessness. Joe waited quietly for his sentence.

  Mr. Patrias: “Both of you will be suspended and won’t be readmitted until I meet with your parents. Modrick, you will be suspended for five days and, Joe, you for three.”

  Joe: “And how many days for Fleez?”

  Mr. Patrias: “In this building he is Bart, understand? That information isn’t relevant to you.”

  He signed something on his desk and then signed something else.

  Mr. Patrias: “Now, I don’t want to see you two in my office again, especially you, Joe. We already had this talk, remember?”

  Joe: “Yes, sir.”

  Mr. Patrias: “This definitely isn’t helping your chances of staying here.”

  He handed both of them their suspension forms. They were really neat and pretty looking things, with the fancy border designs and the way Patrias signed his name ornately.

  Mr. Patrias: “I’ll see you gentlemen in a few days. Be ready to catch up in your classes when you come back. You are dismissed.”

  They both quickly got up and raced to the door, walking as fast as they could without looking overly excited. Mod whispered to Joe very quietly.

  Mod: “Don’t need to tell me twice.”

  Sitting in the office chairs was Kate. She greeted them when they walked near.

  Kate: “So how long you two out for?”

  Mod: “Five days.”

  Joe: “Three days.”

  Kate: “You look terrible. We need to get you both to the hospital.”

  Joe: “I’ll be okay.”

  Mod: “Cut it out, tough guy. If you’re hurting even half as much as I am, you need to go.”

  He elbowed Joe in the ribs, causing Joe to flinch back terribly. Kate was startled by that, so Mod leaned in and whispered in Joe’s ear instead.

  Mod: “Idiot! My sister is being nice to you again. Take her up on her offer and get out of the doghouse.”

  Joe felt so stupid. That was some prime advice from a guy who hadn’t even had a girlfriend yet.

  Kate: “What are y
ou two whispering about?”

  Mod: “Just reminding our buddy here that injuries like that don’t heal so fast. Now let’s go to the hospital!”

  Kate eyed them both suspiciously. They all walked through the halls and out of the building to Kate’s car in the parking lot. She had not parked too far from him, and he took that as a good sign that they were in a good place. The only problem was that he had no idea what that place was. They got in the car, which was a much brighter red than either sibling’s hair, and drove off to the hospital.

  The Orangetown hospital was quite small, only three floors and a few small hallways. Because of that, the doctors all knew everyone in town. All three went in at the same time and waited for their doctor. Instead of waiting in emergency, their doctor, Dr. McCullough would perform a checkup on them, at his request. He was both Joe and Mod’s personal physician and had some space in his schedule after his current appointment. Mod was chosen to go first when the good doctor saw the depth of his injuries. As he was getting his checkup, Joe and Kate were left to sit together outside of the doctor’s office.

  Kate: “You guys are idiots.”

  That was starting to be her favorite word for Joe it seemed. He laughed.

  Joe: “Why is that?”

  Kate: “Neither of you had any business challenging Fleez like that. You guys are like little ants in comparison to him.”

  Joe: “Why, thanks for the vote of confidence! I knew we could beat him too.”

  Kate: “Well, you know what I mean.”

  Joe: “This was mostly Mod’s bright idea. He kept telling me that he had a plan for all this bullying, but I didn’t know that it involved angering both Fleez and Dozz like that. If I’d known that, I probably would have stopped him.”