Ted Saves the World

by Bryan Cohen

  Chapter 25

  Ted watched as his living room was transformed into a television studio. Powerful lights were snapped into outlets that could barely handle the demand and two cameramen bickered over the best angle for the shot. A makeup artist applied a few dabs of concealer to Ted's face as he watched the hubbub.

  "So, you can make things fly?" the woman said.

  "Since yesterday," Ted said.

  "You nervous?"

  Ted looked across the room as Rudy Bolger, the semi-famous news anchor, talked to a producer. Bolger had a habit of cropping up on viral videos where he made teen celebrities cry. Ted didn't mind showing his emotions, but he wasn't sure he wanted to do it on national TV.

  "A little," Ted said.

  "If it gets bad, just give the people what they want."

  Ted had no idea what she meant.

  "Thanks, I know exactly what you mean."

  The woman said he'd do great before she moved on to Bolger's face. Dhiraj came up out of nowhere and tapped Ted on the shoulder.

  "I think she should have concealed more," he said.

  Ted glanced into a mirror set up by the production crew.

  "I already look like a porcelain doll."

  "You look cherubic, Ted."

  Ted rolled his eyes. When Dhiraj told him about the interview, he asked what his parents thought. Ted's "manager" had a habit of running things by his parents before he considered Ted's opinion. Dhiraj said "Mrs. F" was all for it, though his dad needed some convincing. When Dhiraj was able to secure paperwork to keep all the news vans but one off the property, Ted's father told him to go for it. The Finleys were in the other room being filmed for some other questions. His mother had always been keen on finding the most embarrassing baby pictures at the exact worst time. He hoped that streak would end before the pictures reached 20 million households.

  "Well, if you're my manager, do you have any tips for this interview?" Ted asked.

  "I don't, but you know who does?" Dhiraj asked before beckoning into the other room. "Mr. Faraday, we're ready for you."

  Mr. Faraday, the school drama teacher who'd been one of the captives the previous day, emerged from the other room. Faraday was skinny, but he had one heck of a stage presence.

  "Hello, boys! Dhiraj, thank you for calling me. When I heard about this, I knew I had to pay you back for all you did for us, Ted."

  Faraday spoke faster than anybody Ted had ever met.

  "Thanks, Rob," Dhiraj said. "Can I call you Rob?"

  "Robert," Faraday said. "Now, Ted, this is a momentous event. The image you put up on screen today is your first interview. It's going to leave an impression for the rest of your life. So it's got to be flawless."

  Ted felt the butterflies bounce against the walls of his stomach.

  "No pressure or anything, right?"

  Faraday just kept on talking.

  "Pressure! Great! Use it. Channel it into the passion for the people you're here to save. Now, you're the first superhero ever to be interviewed."

  "Aside from Warren Buffet, of course," Dhiraj said.

  Ted sighed. Faraday ignored him.

  "You need to leave a sense of mystery. You may not have a secret identity, but you don't have to give all the answers at once, either."

  Ted wasn't sure what that advice meant, either. His older sister had once told him that girls like a guy with a little mystery. Seeing as his first thought was to be seen reading mystery novels, the advice never had its intended effect.

  "Any other vague tips?" Ted asked.

  "Let's practice some pronunciation exercises. Repeat after me. Unique New York."

  Before Ted could get the first syllable out, the three of them noticed Rudy Bolger walk across the room. He was taller and wider than Ted anticipated. Ted supposed he shouldn't be too surprised. Bolger did always look like he was about to eat the teen stars he interviewed alive.

  "I'm star-struck," Bolger said. "I swear I watched your video a dozen times, and I still can't believe it."

  Ted moved to shake Bolger's hand, which was massive like the rest of him, but Faraday beat him to the punch.

  "Mr. Bolger, it's an honor. Robert Faraday, Ted's vocal coach."

  Ted gave Dhiraj a smirk.

  "Good to meet you, Bob. We'll let you know if we need you."

  Faraday's smile faded as he took the hint. Before he walked away, he whispered in Ted's ear.

  "Remember. Mystery."

  Faraday walked away and Ted finally got his handshake in.

  "Great to meet you, Mr. Bolger."

  "Please. Call me, Rudy. And this must be the ragin' subcontinental Asian himself."

  Bolger and Dhiraj performed some kind of handshake fist bump combo. Given Dhiraj's comfort with all things monetary and celebrity, Ted always thought Dhiraj would be the one getting an interview.

  "It's a pleasure, Rudy. Don't ride my best friend too hard out there."

  "The story goes where the story goes, man," Bolger said. "You about ready for this thing?"

  Ted wasn't sure how one warmed up for an interview. Did you need to stretch? Practice tongue twisters? Take a lap around the house? Whatever the preferred method, he didn't feel prepared.

  "You've got it, Mr.–I mean, Rudy."

  Bolger slapped him on the back and walked him over to two elevated plastic chairs. The lights were brighter than Ted anticipated and it took him half a dozen squints to get used to them. Bolger looked comfortable as he and his producer shared words through his earpiece. Ted wondered who'd be watching him as another producer told him they'd be starting in just a few seconds.

  "Remember, Ted," Bolger said. "Just relax."

  It astounded Ted how much the phrase "just relax" caused him to do the exact opposite. The countdown ended and the interview began.

  "I'm Rudy Bolger and I'm here with the world's first superhero, Ted Finley. Ted, thanks for talking with us today."

  Ted froze for a second. He coughed into the mic and then remembered he could speak.

  "Great having you. I mean, thanks for the chat."

  Bolger smiled.

  "I've got some questions here for you, Ted, but first I wanted you to answer the questions the internet is asking."

  "Alright."

  Bolger shuffled his notecards and moved one to the front.

  "@Smellthelove said 'That super guy's got to be an alien, right? He ain't no human.' Are you an alien, Ted?"

  Ted slumped forward.

  Really, that's what you're going to lead with? he thought.

  "I'm human. Born and raised here in Treasure. No alien escape pod in the backyard or anything like that."

  Bolger furrowed his brow.

  "A very specific answer there, but we'll move on. @TV4Life asked 'Ted ate some radioactive pancakes or something. Am I right?' Is TV4Life right, Ted?"

  Ted couldn't help but laugh.

  "No, Rudy. TV4Life isn't right."

  Bolger cleared his throat.

  "A super serum? A bite from a werewolf zombie? Did you stumble upon an ancient cursed book and read the inscription on page one?"

  Ted considered pinching himself to make sure he wasn't dreaming.

  "Rudy, the real question isn't how I got these powers. Because I don't know. It happened so suddenly. The real question is why."

  Behind the camera, Ted saw Dhiraj and Faraday give him a thumbs up.

  "If that's the question, Ted, then why did you get these powers?"

  Ted had no idea about that, either. He thought he'd look stupid if he didn't answer it, though.

  "Someone or something knew that the thugs were about to start killing people in the diner. For some reason, they thought I would be able to stop it. So they gave me powers."

  Ted figured that was the only answer that made sense to him. He'd been in the wrong place at the wrong time, but somebody wanted him to make it right.

  "About those powers. There is a contingent that thinks you hired the thugs, set up a bunch of wires and tricked
the world like the special effects team of a blockbuster summer movie. What do you say to those people?"

  Ted smiled. Now he knew what the makeup artist meant. Ted pointed at the base of Bolger's chair and lifted his finger upward. The portly man began to float inch-by-inch into the air. Ted hoped the segment wouldn't be cut, given the expletive Bolger uttered when he started to hover. Ted let the man and his chair down gently.

  "That was unsettling," Bolger said as he wiped his brow.

  Ted wondered if he'd be the first person Bolger interviewed to make him cry instead.

  "I'm convinced, Ted. Please never do that again. I have one last question. If you're the one the powers chose in the diner, why'd they pick you over all the other people in there? Why not other diner hero, Sandra Patton? Why not a cook or a grown adult?"

  Ted felt plenty comfortable now.

  "That's actually three questions, Rudy, but I get the gist. I may never know why the powers picked me, but I think they meant for me to help people."

  "You're off to a good start, Ted."

  Bolger thanked Ted for his time and a producer yelled, "Cut!"

  As the two of them had their mics removed, Bolger got Ted's attention.

  "That little stunt almost made me piss myself."

  Ted smiled.

  "Is that a good thing or a bad thing?"

  "Anything that makes good television during my interviews is a good thing."

  It took about an hour for the news crew to pack up and leave. Bolger signed an autograph for both of Ted's parents and exchanged cell phone numbers with Dhiraj. The interview was set to air later that night. Dhiraj flipped through the emails on his phone while Ted approached sleep on the edge of the couch.

  "You know, I've turned down hundreds of interview requests for you. Lots of other requests, too."

  Ted yawned. This fame thing made him sleepy.

  "What kind of requests?"

  "Science fiction conventions, speaking engagements, photo solicitations."

  Ted raised an eyebrow at the last item on the list.

  "I don't even want to know, do I?"

  Dhiraj shook his head.

  "Maybe setting up a public email for your site wasn't the best idea, in retrospect."

  Ted motioned for Dhiraj to hand over the phone.

  "If this is my email account, can I at least look it over once?"

  Dhiraj passed the phone over and took out an identical phone from his other pocket. Ted groaned and glanced at his account.

  "There are over 10,000 unread emails in here. When did you set up this account?"

  "Yesterday."

  Ted grimaced and scrolled through. One email caught his eye and he clicked on it. The subject of the email read "tomorrow," and the text said, "Looking forward to the interview. See you tomorrow." Ted didn't recognize the email address. He knew there were thousands of weird emails that had been sent his way. For some reason, this one gave him a really bad feeling. He glanced it over one more time.