The Sacrifices of Life

by Humphreys, K. L.

  “Katy, I know that all the money that you had saved up has gone. You’ve sacrificed so much already. I can’t let you sacrifice anymore. Your dream was to go to beauty school, that’s now going to be delayed because you’ve spent all the savings you had.” She’s so upset, her hands are going crazy as she talks.

  “Mum, don’t worry about that. Right now, the main focus is making sure that this flat isn’t taken from us. Hopefully, I can pay off Mickey’s funeral and save money so that we can keep paying the mortgage and bills.” She looks as though she wants to argue. “Just let me do this while you come to terms with everything that’s happened.”

  Her eyes narrow. “When are you going to come to terms with Mickey’s death? I know that it’s going to be a long time before I’ll come to terms with it, if I ever do, but Katy, I’ve grieved and I’m still grieving for him.”

  “And I haven’t?” I ask with some snark, wondering what she’s getting at.

  “No baby, you haven’t. Yes, you’ve cried, but you haven’t accepted it. When it truly hits you, Katy, it’s going to bring you to your knees,” Mum whispers, tears streaming down her face.

  I have no idea how to even respond to that. What can I say?

  Then Molly speaks up. “She’s right, Katy, you haven’t, and as much as I watch you put on a brave face and try to make everything okay, you’re hurting, and you won’t let those feelings out. You’re taking on everything, so you can hide from the reality. I know it’s keeping you busy, but Katy, you’re going to have to come to terms with it at some point.”

  I wrap my hands around my stomach. They don’t understand. He was my baby brother, and as much as he annoyed me, I loved him more than life itself. If I let my feelings out, I know that I’m going to break, I know that I’m going to fall to the floor and cry. And I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.

  “Katy, I’m not going to push you, I just want you to know that I’m here for you, and I’m so sorry that I’ve pushed you away. I don’t know how to cope with losing him. I feel as though there’s something missing. A hole in my heart that won’t close. Not a day goes by that pain doesn’t cripple me. I’m so sorry.” Mum cries again.

  I hate seeing her so upset. I understand why she hasn’t been present and I know that the way I’ve been feeling is selfish.

  “I just wish that we had stopped him from going out,” she whispers.

  You don’t understand the secret I have. It’s eating me alive. I should have been there to save Mickey that night.

  “Katy, just think about what I’ve said. You don’t need to become a stripper, we’ll find money another way.” She gives me a disapproving look, one that tells me that I had better rethink my decision. “We’ll find another way,” she tells me again.

  “Mum, how are we going to find another way? I’ve looked everywhere for another job, I’d have taken on three jobs a day if it meant I didn’t need to strip, but there are none out there. Do you honestly believe that you’ll be okay to go back to work?” I’m getting annoyed at having this conversation. “It’s not like I’ll be doing it forever, just until I have enough money to pay for everything.”

  Mum gets to her feet. She looks as though she wants to argue, but instead, she sighs. “Do what you want, I had better get going, Lynn will be waiting for me.” She walks out of the flat without saying goodbye.

  I’m sitting here wondering why I even bother. I’m trying my hardest to make sure that Mum doesn’t need to worry about money; to worry about whether or not we’ll be evicted, or when Mickey’s funeral will be paid off. We’re all hurting, and for me, keeping busy and making sure that I’m doing something is what keeps my mind off things. I can’t sit still. If I do my mind will instantly go to Mickey and I’ll be engulfed in pain. I can’t let that happen, so I stay busy, and if that means me becoming a stripper and taking care of things then that’s what I have to do.

  I look to Molly when she lets out a low whistle. “She is definitely getting back to her old self.” She looks at me with such sadness. “You need to do what you believe is right, but you working at the strip club is going to come with judgement and disapproval. You have to be okay with taking those judgements and disapprovals. Not everyone is going to approve, and Katy, whatever it is you choose to do, I’m right here supporting you one hundred percent.”

  She’s right, not everyone is going to like what I’m going to do, but they don’t have the right to judge me even though they will. “Thanks. I need to do this, I know Mum’s better than she has been since Mickey died, but I don’t know how long that will last. I don’t know what the hell I’d do if I didn’t take this job only for Mum to have a setback. Where would that leave us?”

  “I know, Katy, and if it makes any difference, I think you’re doing the right thing.” She reaches out and squeezes my hand. “Mickey would be so proud of you.”

  I scoff, yeah right. I’m about to become a stripper, I doubt my brother would be proud. If anything he’d be turning in his grave knowing that I’m taking off my clothes for money.

  “Katy, he would. Knowing that you’re taking care of your mum, he would be the proudest brother ever. You know how much he loved you, how much he looked up to you. Family was everything to him, as it is to you.” Her voice cracks as tears spring to both of our eyes. It hurts like hell talking about him not being here. “I miss him Katy. God, he annoyed us, but he was one of a kind.”

  “Yeah, he was.” I smile at her. My brother was loved by everyone who knew him. He wouldn’t do anyone wrong. “It’s funny, you don’t realise how much someone truly means to you until they’re gone.”

  She nods. “Yeah, also you realise who your true friends are. Has Laura been by?” Even though Molly poses it as a question, she already knows the answer.

  “No, not even a text from her. I don’t get that family, not one of them turned up to the funeral, I don’t get it. If that was the other way around and Laura had lost one of her brothers, I would have been by her side in a heartbeat. No matter what has happened between us, she is still a part of our lives, I still love her like a sister. We all know that families fight and argue and sometimes drift apart, but when times get tough, you are there for one another.” It hurts that she hasn’t checked in on me, I don’t expect her to be the way Molly is, because we did drift apart, but I honestly thought we were still friends.

  Molly’s shaking her head. She looks heartbroken. “That girl, honestly Katy, I have no idea what happened to her. I was so shocked that she wasn’t at Mickey’s funeral. I heard that Harley dumped her, that was about six months ago.”

  My mouth opens in shock. “What?” Why the hell hasn’t she come to us? It’s what we’re here for. Your friends help you through your break ups.

  “Yeah.” Molly rolls her eyes. “I heard that she’s sleeping with Mills.”

  My eyes widen. “You can’t be serious!” Mills is the leader of the Blud Cripz, the gang that killed Mickey. No wonder she didn’t come to the funeral, she’s sleeping with the wanker.

  “It’s what I heard. I haven’t seen Harley in a while and I don’t think I’d actually ask him. He scares the ever-loving shit out of me. That man would kill you without a thought.”

  I bite my lip. “I saw him this morning. I was kind of rude to him.”

  “What?” she practically screams at me. “Katy, are you crazy?”

  “I know. I was so angry when I saw him, I just went off at him.” I’m not ashamed that I did it, because he deserved to be told what an arsehole he truly is but I shouldn’t have done it in front of everyone. That was disrespectful and that doesn’t sit well with the gang. “I shouldn’t have mouthed off, but I did, there’s nothing I can do about it now.”

  She smiles, and I inwardly sigh, she’s going to say something I wish she wouldn’t. It’s like she’s a child with a secret. “Harley won’t be mad that you mouthed off. Knowing him, he probably enjoyed it.”

  My eyes narrow. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  She l
aughs. “He likes you, he always has done.”

  I curl my lip up in disgust. “He’s a bloody drug dealer Mol. He’s the leader of a gang, and he thinks it’s acceptable to recruit underage kids into that gang, so they can deal his drugs, so he won’t get caught. That man is everything I hate.”

  Molly’s face dramatically changes. Gone is the laughter. “I know, I was messing. Look, Harley does actually like you, and I didn’t mean you’d go there. I was just saying. Even though he’s a dickhead about the drugs and gangs, he’s actually a decent bloke, and he really does care about his boys.”

  Hearing Molly say that makes me feel bad about what I actually said to Harley this morning. Telling him that he wasn’t family was wrong because even though I don’t agree with what he’s doing, he actually did care about Mickey and Mickey cared about him. Mickey was a good judge of character, anyone he disliked, it was for a reason.

  “He told me he’s going to find out who killed Mickey. Is it sick that I hope he does, and I hope that he kills them too?”

  Molly looks as though she is about to cry. “No, it’s not sick. You want whoever is responsible for his death to pay. I want the same. Mickey was sweet and innocent. He shouldn’t have been killed.” She swipes away her tears. “Why would anyone want to hurt him?”

  My heart starts to race as my tears fall slowly. “I don’t know, I really don’t. He wouldn’t have hurt anyone. Hell, if there was an argument, he’d be the first one trying to squash it.”

  Molly pulls me into her arms. “He would have. We’ll find out who killed him, Katy, I know we will. Mickey deserves justice, if that means letting Harley find out then so be it. Okay?”

  I nod. She’s right; Mickey does deserve justice. Why should his killer get away with it? “Thank you.” I’m so grateful that she’s here, that she’s been here for me since the funeral. I know that without her I wouldn’t have made it through.

  “Don’t thank me, Katy. You would have done the same for me. You’re my sister from another mister. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I laugh. It’s something we always used to say to each other, sisters from another mister. I remember there were times we’d ask our parents if they could adopt us so we could really be sisters. Blood isn’t always everything. You’ll find your best friend and it’s like your family, you become that close. I’m grateful that my family is close, or we were close until Mickey died. Maybe after we all come to terms with things, Dad may realise he messed up and that he should have been here too. If he doesn’t, then it’s his loss, I know that everyone deals with things differently, but running away and leaving your wife and daughter alone to grieve isn’t right. I don’t think I’m angry at him, I’m more disappointed that he didn’t think about Mum and me and what we’re going through.

  “What do you want to eat? I’m so starved, I could eat a horse.” Molly says with a grin.

  I look over at her, not an ounce of fat on her body. “You’re always hungry. Where the hell do you put it?”

  “Good genes. Now what are we getting?”

  I roll my eyes. Good genes my arse. She runs every morning. “Pizza.” I should really start joining her in her runs. I could really use the exercise.

  Her grin turns into a smile. “Excellent, I’ll order it. Same as usual?” Disdain is written all over her face, but I nod. “Pineapple doesn’t belong on a pizza,” she tells me as she walks into the kitchen to call the pizza place.

  I just laugh at her, you’d think after all these years she’d be used to the fact that I love a Hawaiian pizza.

  Chapter Seven

  It’s Friday, and my stomach is doing somersaults as I walk towards Pleasure Palace. Today is my first day on the pole in front of men, no longer will Jess be there talking us through everything, instead I’m on my own. I’m so scared, what if I fall? What if I’m shit and get booed off the stage? These thoughts have been swirling around my head all day, and as soon as I got on the tube to come here, my stomach has been flipping. I feel sick, and my hands can’t stop shaking.

  I have no idea what time I’m going to be on stage at, but Jess told me to be here for eight, so hopefully not too long after that. I’d rather get it over and done quickly rather than waiting and watching everyone else go ahead of me. I do know that I won’t be ending the night. That’s Cherry’s job. She’s leaving too. I met her on Tuesday. She has two kids, and she’s moving to Edinburgh with her fiancé. Cherry’s the best the club has at the moment, apparently Jess was, but that was before she left and now she’s training all the new recruits.

  Saffron used to be a stripper too, but that was before she and Damien got together. Not many men would be happy with their girlfriend taking their clothes off for money. Saffron and Damien are completely different; he screams alpha male, and he’s the type of guy that won’t take any shit from anyone, whereas Saffron is very quiet and timid. You wouldn’t necessarily put them together but when you see them together, you can’t deny how perfect they are. Their relationship is something I’d love to have, the love and respect they have for each other shines through.

  I reach the club, and I can hear music as I walk up to the door. A guy I’ve never seen is standing there. He’s at least six-two, and he’s got huge muscles just like the other guy did; it must be a requirement to work here. I watch as he looks me over, his eyes lighting up as they see the gym bag in my hand, a smile gracing his face as his eyes finally reach mine. “Name?” He asks with a cocky grin.

  “Katy Akers,” I reply crossing my arms over my chest. Of course his eyes are drawn directly to my breasts as I do this. “Am I allowed to go in?” I ask in a bitchy tone. I’m freezing standing here as this dickhead is staring at me like I’m a piece of meat.

  He glances at the clipboard in his hand. “Oh, you’re one of the new girls. My job has just got better. Of course, you can go in.” That cocky grin is still on his face as he moves aside and lets me into the club’s reception area, where members pay fees, I can feel him staring at my arse as I walk through the double doors and into the club. I feel awkward as I walk in and the music quiets down.

  “Katy.” I hear Jess’s voice call as soon as I make it into the main section of the club, but I look around trying to find her, where the hell is she?

  As I look around, I notice that it’s really busy, every booth is taken, and the bar stools are full. Saff’s behind the bar serving and as soon as she spots me she smiles. “Go around into the back, Jess is waiting.” She points to the left and my eyes follow her gesture. Jess stands there waiting.

  “Thanks.” I hurry towards Jess, just as the music starts up, the strobe lights start flickering, and my eyes are drawn to the stage as Tyra starts to move around the pole. She looks bloody amazing up there, so confident and sure of herself. I hope to God that I’ll look like that when it’s my turn up there and not look like I’m petrified.

  “Katy, in here,” Jess calls out, and I look over at her. She’s wearing an exhausted expression. I make my way into the back. Lockers stand along one of the walls, mirrors across the other, and shoes are scattered across the floor. “Katy, you’re on at nine. You should start getting ready,” she tells me, and my stomach drops. Shit, I’m up in less than an hour. She closes the distance between us and smiles at me. “You’re going to smash it out there. I know you will, and not only that, you’re going to be a huge hit. I reckon you’ll make at least three hundred tonight if not more.”

  I lick my bottom lip. “I’m scared,” I whisper.

  She puts her arm around me. “I was the exact same way when I first started here. I was so frightened that I threw up. I had no idea what to expect or even what to do.” She smiles at me, “I was sixteen and this was the only job I could get to support my family. I was a new mum with no income. I was all alone and this job was the only thing that was going to keep my family fed. Knowing why I was doing it made it easier.”

  I look around the room. We’re the only ones here. “My family’s in debt, and I need the money to pay it
off. Otherwise we’re going to be homeless.” I don’t tell her about Mickey and his funeral, I’m not ready for anyone to know that yet.

  “Remember that and you’ll be fine. Honestly though, Katy, as soon as that beat hits, let your body take over. You can dance, you have rhythm, it’s going to come naturally to you. Just let your body take over.” Her eyes dart towards the stage. “I’ve got to get ready for Tyra to come off. Get ready, you’ll be fine, I promise.”

  I leave her to it and move farther into the room. God, that talk didn’t help my nerves whatsoever. My whole body is now shaking, I need to get focused, not to think about what’s to come but start thinking about getting ready. That’ll take my mind off it, for now at least.

  I grab an empty locker and quickly take my trainers off and put them in the bottom. I have a costume of sorts to wear. We picked the songs we wanted to strip to and for some reason I chose Nicki Minaj ‘Pound the Alarm.’ Jess thought it would be brilliant if I were to wear the sexiest cop outfit and strip, she also managed to get a remix version of the song, so it’ll be easier for me to dance on the pole too. So, on Saturday Molly and I went shopping and we found the costume in an Ann Summers shop. Thankfully, Molly had the idea to look in there. I have six-inch heels to go with this outfit. Molly told me I’m going to look hot. I, on the other hand, know otherwise. I’m going to be extremely uncomfortable, and there’s no way you can look hot and uncomfortable at the same time.

  I start getting changed. I have new underwear to go with this outfit, and for the first time in a long time, it’s matching underwear. Usually I’d just buy a cheap pack of knickers and I’d wear sports bras. Now I have five sets, they’re all lace and elegant, something I would never have worn before now. As I pull on the bra, it’s weird to wear an underwire one. I hate the way it feels, the wire pushing against my skin, but it’s something I’m going to have to get used to. The one thing I will say about it is that I feel sexier wearing it, like my boobs look full, I guess that’s why so many women love a push-up bra. If I felt like this every time, I wore one, I’d do it every day.