Sari Caste

by Catherine Kirby

  "I want you to rest. You will feel better soon, Kajal. Please sleep."

  "Go away. It's all your fault, Manasa. I don't want to see you and I don't want to see the child, ever."

  I'll never forget the pain of her cold spiteful words. She was calm and determined. I could not believe she could be so hard. I left her alone. There was nothing to say to her. She was upset after giving birth. She would recover and slowly, it would all be forgotten. She had been through too much. Perhaps the birth pains had overwhelmed her and made her forget that she had come to me so that I should rescue her. I had offered her the only help I could give then. Instead of joy over Kajal's son a blanket of sadness covered us. Kajal was adamant. She would not feed her son. We would have to pay a local woman to feed him making the excuse Kajal was ill and her milk had dried up. We were greatly distressed.

  Finally Dinesh returned from the market where he had joined the children for the rest of the day.

  "Dinesh, Kajal has a son! He is very tiny and shall need a lot of care to survive."

  He took a deep breath. His eyes shone their kind and generous smile. "A son." The children chattered excitedly as they pushed against each other to look at the newly born infant mummy held in her lap. Dinesh strode over to my mother and took the baby firmly in his arms as though he had a whole line of sons and knew exactly how to handle one. With great tenderness he showed the baby to each of the children who gazed at the infant with curiosity.

  Madhu placed a finger in the grasp of the baby's little fist. "But where is Kajal's husband, daddy?" she asked peering up at Dinesh.

  Helplessly he looked from one to the other. Supriya replied for him, "We'll speak about that later. After all our excitement everyone's hungry. Help me prepare some food for supper Madhu. Come on Semanti. Take the kite outside boys. We'll call you when it's time to eat."

  Dinesh handed the baby carefully back to my mother. His eyes were troubled and I saw that he was worrying about Madhu's question. His eyes always gave him away.

  CHAPTER FORTY

  It was a great joy and relief to know how impressed our employers had been with our demonstration. Other hoteliers were now asking for their staff to take lessons. It was a marvellous boost to our confidence and our income.

  Dinesh made no difficulty over the new mouth to feed nor the fact Kajal had given birth without telling us all she was pregnant. No one reproached her for having the child of an unknown father. A father who was a bad and evil man, maybe even the murderer of little Ch'en. Kajal, however, was no less miserable and bitter. I became resentful of her spitefulness. It was not that I did not sympathise with her situation, it was mainly that she shut me out. I had taken her to the brothel, therefore, she blamed me for her fate. She was more relaxed with mummy or Supriya who were more patient than me. Her words were kept to a minimum of polite coldness whenever she did speak to me. I was beginning to find it unbearable. Once more, I decided to try to speak to her. She was sitting on the blue chair, her gaze detached, hanging on to her son as though he were made of wood. My heart ached for the little Sanjay, whose name, which meant triumph, had been carefully chosen by Dinesh. Kajal was untouched by it and never used it.

  "You look so unhappy, Kajal. I hoped you were recovering before Sanjay was born. It seems to have taken all your joy and strength to give him life."

  "It has." She murmured.

  Encouraged that she had at least responded, I crouched beside her and put my hand on hers. She stiffened. Her hands were as cool as her manner. Silently, I sat with her for a time, feeling completely disconnected from her but hoping she could accept a little warmth from me, although she showed no sign of that.

  In the very early hours of the following morning I was awakened by mummy's scream. The first trickle of dawn light was just enough for me to make my way to the kitchen, from where I heard her tearful exclamations. She was kneeling over someone; I could not see whom. Supriya joined us. One by one the children began pattering in behind her. In the chaos I found a lamp and lit it.

  "What is happening?" Dinesh was at my shoulder now.

  Mummy shouted. "It's Kajal. Take the children away."

  "Kajal's ill. Now go and not one sound or you will all be thrashed." Dinesh shouted in an unfamiliar harsh voice.

  "Daddy, that's not fair. We only want to know what has happened to aunty." Madhu faced him with a bold stare.

  It was like reliving a scene from my own childhood. Unable to move, I waited to see how Dinesh, in his present state of turmoil, would react. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly in an obvious effort to gain control of himself, "Aunty is ill but we shall take care of her. Go back to bed Madhu and take your sister. Anil, take Tarun back to bed too." He gently pushed the children in the direction of the bedrooms and they went off whispering. Tarun clung to his brother's hand and whimpered as they moved away.

  I watched Dinesh carry Kajal to the low divan in the main room. "What has happened to her, tell me." I demanded horrified at the Kajal's blood stained sari.

  "She has cut her wrists and has lost a lot of blood." Dinesh's voice was deep and slow with shock. While mummy bound her wrists with torn cloths, Kajal's eyes flickered. Dinesh stood up. "I'll get dressed and fetch a doctor."

  I crouched beside mummy. Supriya went to comfort the children who were crying now. "Mummy, why did she do that, after all the care we have given her? Why?"

  "You are angry and shocked, Manasa; We all are." She lay her hand on my arm. "I don't think she fully understands what she's doing. Some women behave like that after giving birth."

  "I'm tired of hearing that. She has all the help she could want here. I cannot believe she could be so selfish and ungrateful. She doesn't deserve her son."

  At last, the doctor arrived, a small man of few words. He re-bound her wrists with fresh cloth and told us to make sure she had plenty of cool water to drink. We were not to leave her alone. Then he went. I was agitated. He had done little more than we had managed to do ourselves. Now we had an unnecessary doctor's bill and the children had been upset with all the fuss. We had all been through such great anxiety on Kajal's behalf. How much attention and care could we continue to squander on one self-centred person? I decided to avoid Kajal. I was too resentful and too angry to speak to her. I got on with my teaching. The children were a great comfort. Their spontaneous laughter contrasted with Kajal's quiet debilitating misery. I began to hate her.

  CHAPTER FORTY-ONE

  One day after supper mummy said quietly, "It's time for me to return to the village. I must go back."

  In a wounded voice Dinesh enquired, "You have not been happy here?"

  "I've been very happy, very, happy. It has been a great blessing to have been able to meet you and to see my daughters again, something I thought could never happen. I'm truly grateful for that and for the hospitality you have so kindly shown me."

  "Then why are you going, mummy? Why?" I was devastated. I had been sure she would end her days with us. How could she go back to father, after we had made her an important part of the family, giving her all that she had lacked with him?

  "I'm married, Manasa. That's my life and I must return to it."

  "What about Kajal? She depends on you being here every day. Without you, she will become more sad and depressed than she ever was before you came. She is not able to cope yet and none of us can manage her, the way you do. You must not go. We need you. Lipika will be so sad as will all the children. They love you." I hurt too much and so was too proud to add my own need to the list.

  "It will be a hard thing to do but it's the right thing. Kajal will be safe with all your care and love."

  Kajal suddenly burst into a fury. "That isn't true, mummy I'm coming with you. Daddy will welcome my son. I don't want to stay here."

  Kajal had been passive for so long, we all turned in amazement.

  "You are not well, Kajal. You must stay." Dinesh insisted.

  "No. I will go."

  "You will stay." He replied, his
eyes hard and angry.

  "Let her go if that is what she wants, Dinesh. You cannot be expected to worry about her if she doesn't want you to." I said, almost relieved at the thought of a break from Kajal's depression that constantly diluted every small pleasure.

  He seemed to wait for Kajal to disagree but she said nothing more. "Go, then but you will leave Sanjay here."

  "No! Father will want to see him."

  "Sanjay is her son, Dinesh!" I reminded him.

  "She will leave our son here. He has been born early and I will not risk him travelling with a sick mother."

  I am not sure quite what I felt at that moment, so many emotions bombarded me. "You said he is your son, Dinesh?" I echoed. Supriya and my mother sat fixed to their seats awaiting his reply but I already knew it.

  "Yes." He paused. "While you were in Calcutta. I'm ashamed and sorry, Manasa. I tried too hard to comfort Kajal. I was wrong to behave that way. I was very wrong and I'm sorry, truly sorry to have hurt you but I can't," tears began to blur his red rimmed eyes. He blinked fiercely. "I can't allow her to take my only child away, to deprive a son of his father."

  There was shocked silence as we all tried to understand the implications of what he was telling us. While I was away fetching mummy, risking my life to find Sharmila, and to rescue her sons so that we would all be safe, Kajal and Dinesh were lying together? No. No. Surely, they could never have done this to me? I couldn't bear it so I ran. In a quiet corner of the bedroom I lay, curled into a ball, weeping. My throat ached. My throbbing head felt like it was Howrah Bridge, pounded by the feet of rickshaw wallahs, crowds of pedestrians, vehicles and animals, and the hooting of the snarled up traffic. I became so dazed with pain I slid into an exhausted sleep. It was the only way to blot out the unbearable betrayal of my sister and my husband. We had begun to build such a good life; now it was wrecked.

  I woke many hours later and got into bed. I tossed and turned, and tried to melt back into the comfort of sleep, but I could not. I lay aching in the lonely blackness of the room, dry-eyed. I began to think back to how mummy had suffered an unhappy existence with my father. I had been terrified of what marriage would bring to me. Then I had loved Patap, such convincing lies he had told me. I had readily believed him, in my innocence. Although he chose Kajal instead of me, Patap and I had become lovers. It had comforted me. Comforted me! Dinesh had comforted Kajal. Well, now she had got her own back, her revenge. Stupidly, I had assumed she hated Patap for the way he treated her so badly. He had let her down but he had also let me down. Now I remembered the day when I had caught them together in the mill. How could I have been so insensitive? She had cared for him. If only she had screamed her pain at me instead of this. But perhaps that would not have been enough for her to face seeing me each day with Lipika, when the son Patap had given her, had died. If I had not become pregnant by Patap and run away to Calcutta, I would have secured her dowry with my work at the mill, and she would be married to him now. She would not have had to go through all the sufferings making those films she told me about. My heart sunk to the pit of my stomach. It was I who was selfish not Kajal. If only my father had not humiliated me and pushed me so hard. If only this, if only that. I lay there going from one feeling to another. Eventually I drifted into a shallow restless haze.

  CHAPTER FORTY-TWO

  When I got out of bed the following afternoon, I was pleased to discover that mummy was still with us. Dinesh had, on impulse, taken Milap's photograph to Badal at Kalimpong where, he hoped to find good flowers to sell on our stall. At least he had the sense to grasp how much my pain and humiliation rankled. I welcomed the space, away from him, to think.

  Some days later, mummy, at last, told us of her decision. "I shall leave today. I have become attached to you all. If I hesitate any longer it will be unbearable to go." How could she do this? It was unthinkable. She had obviously got up very early and was all prepared for her journey. I hurried the breakfast in shocked silence. I had hoped she'd stay longer now that I needed her. Lipika clung to me sensing my sadness and confusion.

  "And you, Kajal?" I asked. My throat had dried with the effort of speaking my first words to her since uncovering her secret.

  "I shall go with her." For the first time since giving birth Kajal cradled her son with motherly warmth. "I don't expect you to forgive me. I know I don't deserve that, but I'm sorry for what has happened, Manasa." Then, unexpectedly, she dissolved into helpless tears. Our mother pressed a reassuring arm around her. Everything was twisting and turning around.

  "It didn't happen." I remonstrated. "You made it happen. You should have told me how angry you were with me after Patap."

  "No, that was not the reason Manasa." Kajal insisted. "I was deeply unhappy and frightened. Dinesh was kind. I needed his warmth. I wanted him to heal me. Many men have hurt me. Now I've caused pain and hurt to you and to everyone." She broke down again.

  "Many men have hurt me too." I wailed. Slowly my rage began to lessen, as I became aware that she was also confused and disorientated. I struggled to speak cohesively but when I did angry words came out of my mouth, instead of calm ones. "You are going with mummy because you think you can forgive me, but I am incapable of forgiving you!"

  She turned on me. "I've already said I don't deserve your forgiveness any more than you deserved mine. I want to go away so that we can all forget."

  "How can we forget? We have been through so much. It has all been a terrible nightmare. We have always shared everything, Kajal. I risked everything to help you and now you spit on me and walk away. How can you go and leave me in this mess? Why am I always losing everyone dear to me? Why are you so selfish?"

  "You have a home here. It's time for us to part, Manasa. Daddy will let me stay, now he has a grandson." Her voice lowered apologetically "Tell Dinesh I shall not try to keep Sanjay from him."

  "You have been ill, Kajal. It is not good for you to make such a journey. Besides, father thinks you have two sons." I insisted, in spite of the pangs of jealousy her words stirred in me. I knew she was special to Dinesh in a way that I could never be. Yes father would be delighted, but I didn't want to be jealous or angry or unhappy any more. There had been too much anguish in my life. I longed for peace and contentment. Why could I not have them?

  "Now that we have all spoken honestly, now that you know the truth, I'll be able to make the journey, Manasa. Once father sees Sanjay he won't worry about any misunderstandings."

  She might as well have hit me with her fist. Numb, I simply sat and stared. Our mother moved about as silent as a shadow. She packed more food and rolled Kajal's belongings into bundles for the journey ahead. I left the children with Supriya while I went into the yard outside to think by myself.

  Mummy and Kajal were leaving me. Kajal had Dinesh's son. Dinesh would be devastated when he found his son had gone. Therefore, he would leave me too. Why? I had tried hard to keep us together. I just didn't know how I would cope.

  Mummy came and sat with me. "Mummy," I pleaded, "How can I bear you to leave me when I am so hurt? My need for you is no less than Kajal's" I was too upset to spare her feelings. A grandson was the answer to her prayers. My father would be overjoyed.

  "Lipika is so like you when you were a little child, Manasa. You will find strength and you still have Supriya and the children. Of all the women in this house, you are the most fortunate, and I'm glad for that."

  I turned indignantly on her, "Why do you say that? Because I have a husband? A husband who has lain with my sister, a sister who has given him the only son of the family when I can never give birth again? How is that most fortunate? How? How?"

  Gently she put her arms around my stiffened shoulders, "Because you have the most strength and courage. You will be happy in this place." I held onto her sobbing. She let me cry myself dry while she rocked me. I didn't feel strong or courageous but I clung to her words hoping they would eventually have some meaning for me. It was very hard to let go, unsure when I would see her again. I didn't go
to the bus to say goodbye, like the others. That was too much to ask of me.

  * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

  Still slumped against the bungalow door, I ached now from the pain of my memories. For all my thinking back no answer had presented itself to me and the pain was unrelenting. My instinct said, walk, walk, walk away. I could walk to the mountains. No one would find me, if I wandered off into the snowy slopes. My body would freeze like my soul already had. I would not have to think or feel any more. I took a deep breath and stepped slowly into the road. With my first hesitant tread, my feet were heavy and I could barely connect with enough sense or strength to move them.

  "Mummy!" A chubby hand grasped mine.