Grantville Gazette, Volume 7

by Eric Flint

  "You have only been working on Latin for six months? Incredible," Wilhelm said. Emmanuel agreed.

  "We Americans do things in a hurry. I thought I might need it for dealing with the Catholics, so I was motivated. As I was saying about Hebrew, you know that the word 'Rosh' can translate as 'first' or 'top' or 'head.' Dick can be used in English to mean 'penis.' But it also can mean 'any man' for obvious reasons. Like the words," he shifted to English for two words "lumberjack and steeplejack. So, yes, it can be an insult. But then, to misquote scripture, 'a philosopher is not without honor except in his own home.'"

  Wilhelm smiled and started to call for wine by picking up his glass and holding it in the air. But he stopped with the red plastic cup only inches off the table. "Why are we the only ones who have these?" he asked.

  "Shit," Jimmy Dick said. "They came from up-time with us and when they're gone they're gone. You're being honored." He swallowed the words, 'ya dumb Kraut', because Emmanuel had impressed on him how important the dinner was. "Honored with a piece of the future. Everybody else here tonight has to make do with the here and now."

  Emmanuel started translating what was said into Latin before Herr Krieger's man could give an uncensored version. People at the nearby tables seemed to be taken with sudden fits of coughing.

  "Waiter, wine for my guests," Wilhelm Krieger called out. When he did it seemed as if there was a pause in conversation while he spoke. The noise level in the room unquestionably went back up when he set his glass down. "This," he waved his hand to include everything on the table, is truly amazing, so light, yet strong." He picked up a fork and looked at it skeptically. "Can you truly eat with this? It seems like it would break."

  Emmanuel was busy translating German to English for Jimmy Dick, who was amongst the minority in Grantville who refused to learn German. So the conversation fell to Joseph, who responded in German. "They can break if you try cutting meat with them, so you use the knife. They were made to be thrown away after one use."

  "Truly?" Wilhelm asked with raised eyebrows. "What of the expense?"

  "You could buy a box of one hundred for less than you earned in an hour," Joseph replied. "They were not highly esteemed but it saved the time of washing up. Our thought was 'anything to save time.' We were a very busy people."

  Herr Krieger's eyebrows went up again. Emmanuel could almost see him thinking that there was a fortune to be made here.

  "Unfortunately, we can't make any more. Even if we had the equipment, the materials are not available. These are the last for at least ten years," Joseph said.

  "Unfortunate, indeed. Do you teach at the local academy also?" Krieger asked.

  "No. I don't have the credentials it takes to do that," Joseph said.

  "But with your Latin . . . and you are a philosopher, surely?"

  "Neither Latin nor philosophy are much regarded." Turning to Emmanuel, Joseph said, "Why don't you tell Herr Krieger about the school system."

  Emmanuel set about giving a detailed account of Grantville's schools. As far as he was concerned, he was justifiably proud of them, even if they were on the low side of average up-time. Joseph translated for Jimmy this time. Ordering food interrupted the flow of Emmanuel's lecture, but he eventually concluded with, "I would put our high school graduates up against Jena's University students when it comes to general knowledge. When it comes to specialized knowledge, I would match Jena graduates with ours in the same field. Of course, we have areas of study that they do not." He was thinking drivers' ed, and then others.

  The food arrived. Diners began to leave while others arrived and took seats. It didn't look like the hoped for fireworks were going to happen. No one had the Latin to follow the conversation, so why stay?

  "Your colleague says Latin and philosophy are not esteemed?" Wilhelm asked.

  "We offer Latin as an elective. Philosophy is covered as part of English literature," Emmanuel answered.

  Herr Krieger cautiously cut at his steak with the plastic knife and was visibly surprised that it worked. The silent bodyguard tried cutting his with the fork. It broke in his hand. A staff member immediately turned up with a set of silver utensils for him, and took the knife and spoon away. Emmanuel had the chicken. It was quite good. It had been so long since he last had Kentucky chicken that he couldn't tell the difference. The slaw, mashed potatoes and gravy were superlative.

  After his first bite Wilhelm Krieger reverted to Latin. "Herr Head, is war mankind's greatest glory or it's greatest shame?"

  Emmanuel translated the question.

  "Hell, it's neither," Jimmy Dick Shaver answered. Joseph translated the answer.

  "Neither?" Herr Krieger prompted.

  "War is a great adventure," Jimmy Dick quoted. "But, an adventure is someone else havin' a hard time of it somewhere else. War is glorious when you win with an acceptable casualty rate. But no casualty rate is acceptable to the casualty. And since someone always loses, war is glorious less than half the time.

  "To the men in the middle of it," James continued, "war is at best boring drudgery spiked with moments of terror. For some, it is a walking nightmare that never leaves them this side of the grave."

  "Then it is our greatest shame?" Krieger asked.

  "There are greater shames," James said after Emmanuel translated the question. "The holocaust comes to mind."

  "Do you want me to explain that?" Joe asked.

  "Might as well," James said.

  "In our history, Herr Krieger," Joseph said, "in the years of the nineteen thirties and forties, a Prussian government rounded up twelve million people they did not approve of. Jews, gypsies, Poles, Slavs, and others. Then they exterminated them."

  "Like Vlad the Impaler killing every beggar in the kingdom," Herr Krieger said. "But, that many?"

  "It was a very full world," Joseph said. "Look it up at the library. The key words are Nazi, and Holocaust. It will surely confirm the six million Jews. You may have to dig to find the others. They are often forgotten."

  Wilhelm Krieger looked at James. "But, this Holocaust is surely a fluke?"

  "No!" James replied. "Pol Pot, five million, Saddam, three million, Stalin . . . who knows how many millions."

  "So these holocausts are man's greatest shame?" Krieger asked. The undertone of skeptical unbelief was less than perfectly hidden.

  "Hell no!" James answered.

  A frustrated Wilhelm finally demanded, "If it is not war and it is not slaughter then what is it?"

  Emanuel translated the question. Joseph waited for the answer. James paused. His last "hell no" was a reaction without conscious thought. Now he needed a response. "Tell him that mankind's greatest shame is running out of good whiskey. No, wait." A memory of personal pain gushed into his mind like a torrent of water from a long forgotten dam that crumbled. "Tell him our greatest shame is an uncherished child. A man's greatest glory is to love his wife and raise his children well."

  Joseph translated it. Wilhelm started at him like a pole-axed steer for at least five seconds. Then he turned to Emmanuel. "Did he translate that correctly?"

  "Yes," was all Emmanuel said.

  Wilhelm looked back at Joseph. "Do you agree with him?"

  "Well, it was my greatest joy. And yes, it is my greatest glory. So I agree with him." Joseph said.

  "And you?" Herr Krieger asked, looking at Emmanuel.

  Onofrio's memories flashed back through a list of unloved, bright children who faded into dull commonness or blossomed into brilliant horrors. "Yes. An uncherished child is our greatest shame."

  "You people are hopeless romantics." Krieger's tone made it clear he thought the idea contemptible.

  Both up-timer translators laughed. When Emmanuel explained why, James smirked.

  "What is so funny?" an obviously angry Wilhelm demanded.

  Joseph dried his eyes. "My wife, may she rest in peace, often told me that I was a typical male with no idea of what romance was."

  Wilhelm humphed before asking, "Herr Head, how ma
ny children did you and your wife raise?"

  "I ain't mankind. I'm one man. Nam was my greatest glory and my greatest shame. When I returned no women worth puttin' up with would have me and any women who would put up with me weren't worth havin'."

  * * *

  He saw no reason to tell this damned Kraut about his personal life. When Bina Rae found out their baby had "bad bones," probably from something he brought back from Nam; something he hadn't told her about, she moved out on him. She acted like Agent Orange was some sort of venereal disease he could have avoided. When she left he took to hitting the bottle hard and lost his job. Bina Rae wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't go to counseling and wouldn't let him see Little Merle with out a big fight each and every time.

  Now Merle was living in the nursing home and as long has the bills were paid he never heard from or of her. Merle would not speak to him for abandoning her. She never even heard his side of the story.

  The only happy year of his miserable life crashed in 1973. Bina Rae came home from the doctor and was packed up and gone when he got home from work. He got drunk and stayed drunk. Along the way he got divorce and listed as sixty percent disabled instead of the usual thirty percent for a head case. Up to the Ring of Fire the Veteran's Administration paid for Merle out of his disability check. Now he was making do with family money off of rental properties an agent managed.

  None of that was anybody's damned business, especially some damned Kraut.

  * * *

  "So you admit that your greatest glory and your greatest shame is war. But you would have me believe it is raising children." Herr Krieger turned to his interpreter and spoke in loud, angry, German while rising to his feet and pocketing the plastic spoon. "You are right! I am being played for a fool. Settle up with the proprietor and return to the lodgings." Then without a fare-thee-well, he and the silent bodyguard stalked out of the totally silent room.

  Jimmy Dick was the first to speak. "Ya know, this catfish is really quite good."

  The dinning room burst into roaring laughter.

  When it had mostly died down Emmanuel Onofrio stood and extended his hand to Jimmy "Dickhead" Shaver. "Mister Shaver," he said in a voice pitched to carry, "it was truly a pleasure translating for Grantville's only fulltime practicing philosopher."

  The Misadventures of T & V

  Mama Mia, That's A Good Pizza Pie!

  By Jon and Linda Sonnenleiter

  Early October 1634, Naples

  The ash dust flew up when Vince fell flat on his face. They had just left the main entrance to the mission's rented villa and Vince had tripped in a hole he hadn't been able to see.

  Tim laughed. "What kind of impression are you going to give the Italians, Vince? They'll probably think you're some kind of major klutz."

  Tim Claggett stood 6 feet tall and weighed 190 pounds. A big change from up-time, when he'd been a junk food addict and had weighed 310 pounds. Both men were in their early thirties and in excellent shape. That helped when you were meant to be an embassy guard.

  When he was standing above the road, instead of lying on it, Vincent Petrini, aka Vince, was 5 feet 10 inches and weighed in at 160 pounds. Except for the pound of Vesuvius' ash that he was busily brushing from his clothes.

  "Damn. You'd think these pockets of ash would have blown out to sea after three years," said Vince. "But no, the wind keeps bring that volcano's ash into the city every time the winds come from the south. I'm tired of tripping in these ash-covered holes in the road." Vince's face was glum. "It's been a bad day and I'm pissed. Let's go." He took off for town at a fast walk.

  "Well, what are we going to do now?" asked Tim. He hurried to keep up with Vince who was heading towards the middle of town.

  They'd been the city four times since they arrived. By now, they considered themselves old hands at finding their way around, even though they'd only been a mile or less from the villa. The town seemed very busy, and at times dangerous. Still, they were starting to get a little bored with the uptight people and the lack of good food. "Good" food, of course, meaning junk food.

  Tim kept dreaming of big, greasy cheeseburgers dripping with ketchup, mustard, onions, lettuce, tomatoes and a half pound of grease from the grill. The kind that were served with western fries, smothered in salt, with a jumbo strawberry shake. Or maybe foot long hot dogs smothered in everything, with a cherry vanilla coke to wash everything down. His mouth watered just thinking about it.

  "Damn it, what I wouldn't give to have a big cheesy pizza with the works." Vince shouted to the sky. He stopped quickly, causing Tim to bump into him. " Man, this is Italy, the home of great pizzas. Where are the pizza shops? There has to be someone who knows something about the subject."

  "Vince, remember this is 1634. Hell, Italy isn't really Italy yet. It's not like back home in our time, where you couldn't go a few blocks without seeing a pizza shop, or any kind of fast food place."

  "It's not fair," Vince said as he slumped against the stone wall. "There has to be somewhere here that can make a decent pizza."

  Vince knew that being here was hard on Tim but here they were. All anyone could do was try to make the best of a bad situation and try to look on the bright side. If there is one he thought. At least some things had improved since they got here. Tim had lost over one hundred pounds, fine. But still and all, there was no sense in having to eat the same old food day after day. There was no imagination in the Italian foods. They needed to mix things up a little.

  Vince let out a long sigh and started to walk a lot slower. This time Tim was right beside him and not hurrying to keep up. They walked in silence, passing all the street vendors hawking their wares and people pushing each other to get to what they were selling.

  "Well, where do you want to go eat now?" Vince asked. When there was no

  reply he turned to see that Tim wasn't there. He looked around and didn't see him. "Now where in blue blazes did he get off to?"

  Vince took a moment to look around him but saw no Tim. He started to walk back the way he came, all the while looking around to see if Tim was among the crowd. A few minutes later he spotted Tim. He was talking with a man who was selling fruits by a fountain. The fear he had been feeling that his friend might have been taken by some thugs was turning into anger. He rushed up to Tim and grabbed him by his right arm and

  spun him around to face him. The fruit vendor let out a little yelp and jumped under his table, almost knocking it over.

  Vince felt like punching Tim for scaring him that way. Instead, he pushed him a bit and shouted, "Don't ever do that again. Disappear on me like that. I thought some thugs might have jumped you and shuffled you away. Worse yet, what if a couple of Spanish soldiers wanted one of their special chats with you? If you're going to stop somewhere let me know."

  "I told you I was going to go ask someone where they make pizzas. You must not have heard me." Tim rubbed the arm Vince had grabbed. He started off back down the street. "I thought you heard me. Shit, do a guy a favor and he goes off like this. If a couple of criminals took hold of me, I'd have hollered and fought like hell. Ah, shit. I need a drink."

  "I need a whole bottle," muttered Vince.

  They went to their favorite tavern and picked a table toward the back of the room. "A jug of the best red," Tim said. The waiter scurried off and brought the wine in short order. They were on their second glass when Vince finally spoke.

  "Sorry, man. I never should have gone off on you like that. But how was I to know you decided to ask questions and weren't kidnapped? Damn, it's hard to think of the Spanish ruling the roost here."

  "I should have made sure you heard before I stopped to talk to that guy. I'm sorry, too." Tim raised his glass and nodded. Vince clinked his glass to Tim's and they both drank the wine straight down. "But I did find out there's a place here that specializes in making pizzas and I thought I'd treat you to one."

  "Pizza like the ones we got back home?"

  "I doubt it," Tim said. "But I thought we could give
it a try. In fact, I got to thinking . . . maybe if it isn't like we could get back home, well, just maybe we could teach them how to make a really awesome pizza." He paused a moment and gave Vince a sly wink. "Never know. We might just make a little money on the side teaching them how to do it."

  "You mean like a franchise, like a McDonald's or something?" Vince liked

  the way his friend was thinking. For once, he thought, they could be making money the easy way like so many others were. If a bunch of teenagers could do it, why couldn't they? "Do you think we got the stuff here to do it?"

  "Vince, we just walked through an open market. Didn't you see the different meats and vegetables and smell the spices?"

  "Uh . . . no. I wasn't paying any attention, I was still mad at you." Vince took another sip of his wine.