Dark Flame

by Alyson Noel

  He frowns, having already viewed it almost as many times as me. “And then Jude busted in.” He sighs and shakes his head. Gaze grim, jaw clenched in a way I’ve never seen before. “Why did you trust him? Why’d you confide our weak-nesses—our chakras—how to get to us? Why would you do something like that?” He looks at me, desperate to understand.

  I swallow hard, swallow past the big, dry lump now blocking my throat, thinking: Well, there it is—the blame I’ve been seeking all along. He’s finally judging me—but this time, it’s more for what Jude’s done than what I’ve done.

  But when I look at him again, I see that isn’t it. He’s simply trying to make sense of it all. But still, I just shrug and say, “It’s my fifth chakra. My weak link. I suck at discernment, misuse information, and, apparently, trust all the wrong people in place of those who’ve been faithful all along.” I peer at Damen, knowing he requires more, deserves more, bowing my head as I add, “And the truth is, he caught me in a weak moment—” I pause, remembering just how weak that moment truly was—how close I came to crossing the bridge that leads to the other side. And though I told Damen all about the magick, and how I turned to Jude before him, I failed to tell him that part, mostly because I was too ashamed. “An incredibly weak moment.” I sigh. “What can I say?”

  Damen turns, his leather seat squeaking, as he looks at me. “And here I was hoping you’d learn to trust me enough to turn to me in weak moments, not Jude.” His voice so quiet, so solemn, it breaks my heart to hear the words spoken out loud.

  I close my eyes and lean back against the headrest, feeling the threat of tears as I whisper, “I know. I should’ve told you. But despite all your assurances, despite what you told me, I just didn’t believe it—couldn’t believe it. I didn’t think I deserved it. And, Damen, if you think you know the worst of it, well, think again. I’m afraid it gets much worse—”

  I turn, turn until I’m facing him, and press my palms flat against his cheeks. Aware of the energy veil now dancing between us, allowing for that almost feel of his skin, and knowing this is it—this is as good as it ever will get. I’m all out of options—we’re out of options. Roman is dead and he took the antidote with him. Then I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and share everything. Every single horrible and humiliating moment revealed—flowing from my mind to his. Airing the unedited version, that awful night with Roman when I almost lost my virginity, followed by the scene at the Bridge of Souls—every horrible second revealed in all its high-definition, degrading glory. Knowing he deserves to know the truth about me—what I was, where I’ve been—and who I am now. The whole sordid journey.

  And when it’s over, he just shrugs, covering my hands with his as he says, “There’s nothing there that changed my mind about you. Not one single thing.”

  I nod, knowing that’s true. I finally get it. What true and unconditional love really is.

  “Ever,” he says, voice urgent, gaze fixed on mine, “you need to reframe how you see yourself and the choices you’ve made.”

  I squint, not quite understanding.

  “What you view as these huge glaring mistakes—well, they aren’t mistakes at all. The reality is nothing like you’ve chosen to see it. You think you’ve done this terrible thing by feeding me Roman’s elixir, when the truth is—you saved my life! You spared me from the Shadowland! I wouldn’t have lasted ’til Romy got back, despite the magick circle Rayne made. I was hovering in and out of consciousness. Not quite here, not quite there, and if you hadn’t’ve done what you did when you did—if you’d refused to let me drink—well, I would’ve perished and my soul would’ve been lost, stranded, left to drift in darkness and solitude for all of eternity.”

  I look at him, my eyes wide, never having thought of that. I’d been so busy beating myself up, focusing on how we can no longer really touch in the way that we want, I failed to realize I’d actually spared his soul from that infinite abyss.

  “And another thing”—he reaches for my chin, the almost touch of his fingers causing a rush of warm tingle—“you actually got through to Roman! And you succeeded not by trickery or calculated cunning but by appealing to his deepest sense of humanity—a humanity the rest of us failed to see in him and were sure didn’t even exist. But you were able to go deeper than that, to see what we couldn’t. You saw the promise in the person we’d all written off. Do you have any idea how amazing that is—how proud that makes me?”

  “But what about turning Haven?” I whisper, remembering her threat and having no doubt she plans to make good on it.

  “Did I not make the same choice when I saved you?” he asks, lips at my ear.

  “But you didn’t know about the Shadowland. I did, and I condemned her soul.” I shrug, pulling away to get a better look at his face.

  But he just shakes his head and pulls me back to him. “I know I told you to do otherwise, but if it were me in your position, I would’ve done the same. Where there’s life, there’s hope, right? At least, that’s been my motto for the last six hundred years.”

  I lean against him, pressing my head into the hollow of his shoulder as I gaze up at the house, seeing the light in Sabine’s room go off and squeezing Damen’s hand when I say, “Romy and Rayne were right. You know, about the magick. That used for selfish and nefarious reasons it’ll result in karma that comes back times three.”

  We shift, our gaze meeting as the air hangs heavy between us.

  “The first was when I was forced into that situation with Haven and I changed her—turned her into an adversary bent on destroying me. The second was my attraction to Roman—the dark flame that burned inside me. And now—and now this—Roman—the death of his soul and along with it, the death of the antidote.” I look at him. “I mean, that is the three, right? Or was my attraction to him just me? A monster of my own making, a shadow of me that already existed and now there’s still another one out there—somewhere—waiting for just the right moment to boomerang back at us? Something we won’t even see coming until it’s too late?”

  I fight to catch my breath, suddenly overcome by panic, the foreboding feeling that it’s not over yet, there’s more out there, and it’s headed our way.

  Soon comforted by the feel of his strong arms holding me tightly, his tingle and heat, and the knowledge that there’s now a brilliant, white light shining inside me. And because of it, because of everything I’ve been through, I’m now strong enough to meet it—my karma, my destiny—in whatever form it may take. . . .

  Damen’s warm breath at my ear, echoing my thoughts when he says, “Either way, we’ll ride it out together. That’s how it is with soul mates. That’s just what they do.”