by H. L. Logan
“That would be impossible.” Derek didn’t even blink an eye. “I’ve done the math. We were barely apart that month. Then one day, Amanda vanished into thin air. I never knew where she went… until now.”
“We only have your word as proof,” I said. Why would Amanda have made herself out to be so promiscuous? Then again, why would Derek go to such lengths to claim a child he wasn’t sure was his?
“I’d be happy to do a paternity test.”
“Good,” I spat.
Derek shrugged. “I don’t mind at all. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure Gretchen comes home to me.”
19
Jaz
Faye was fuming as Derek left the apartment. Literally fuming, as in I expected smoke to come out of her ears at any second.
“How fucking dare he,” she said, pacing around the room with unrestrained fury. “That son of a motherfucking bitch.”
“Faye, your language.”
“Muhfuggin bih!” Gretchen called out happily.
“Put her in the bedroom, would you? I need to talk freely.”
I set her in her crib, then gently combed her hair with my fingers. She wasn’t going to be taken away from us. Faye was mad, but she’d know what to do. She was way too smart to get blindsided by this kind of thing. She’d probably already come up with some brilliant plan.
“I have no fucking clue what to do,” she said when I came back into the kitchen.
My stomach flipped over. “You don’t?”
“I never expected this,” she said. “Not for one moment. When Amanda said she didn’t know who the dad was, I never thought to question it.”
I’d never seen her this pissed, not even the time before we started dating when she called me to her place in the middle of the night to soothe Gretchen’s cries. Seeing her like this was kind of scary… kind of intimidating… and all right, kind of goddamn sexy. I was in love with the woman, okay? As concerned as I was for Gretchen, seeing Faye all worked up and passionate was fucking hot.
“Maybe she lied.” I pulled her close to me, leaning both of us against the wall. “Maybe she’s trying to pull something over on this guy.”
“I don’t know.” Faye exhaled, leaning her head on my shoulder. “Derek seems pretty sure of himself. From the sounds of it, he already knows the results of a paternity test.”
I stroked her back. “We can’t let him take Gretchen, right? I mean… she already has a mom.” Two moms, I held myself back from saying.
“The adoption isn’t finalized.” Faye turned her head to look at me, her eyes filled with pain. “I don’t know the legal status. I don’t know if the courts will care that I’ve been her guardian for a year. If this guy is her blood father, then…”
“Fuck.” I held her close and we clung to each other.
What would she do without Gretchen? Hell, where would we be without Gretchen? She’d been part of this Faye-and-me thing since day one.
Maybe there were people out there who would’ve been happy at the idea of getting their partner to themselves. Me? I wasn’t that cold-hearted.
I cherished the everloving shit out of that kid. Derek would have to pry her out of my cold, dead hands.
Wait… I stopped my train of thought. “You don’t think this is a good thing, do you?” I asked. “You never wanted Gretchen in the first place. You always complained about having her dumped on you…”
“Want-ed. Complain-ed.” She choked out a laugh at the funny sound of the second one. “You get my drift. It’s past tense. I fucking adore that kid. I don’t want her to leave me.”
“Me, either.” To put it mildly.
“And this Derek guy is a douchebag, isn’t he? We’re better for Gretchen than that.”
“Oh, yeah. That guy just reeks of cucumber sandwiches and casual racism.”
“Probably complains about Mexicans over high tea at the country club.” Faye gave me a half-smile. “Did you see the way he looked when he said lesbian lover? I mean, you’re my girlfriend. Everybody knows that.”
I loved this woman a little more every day. “You’re the greatest,” I murmured. “But what are we going to do?”
“I’m going to start by calling Amanda.”
* * *
In a turn of events surprising absolutely no one, Amanda wasn’t answering her cell phone.
Faye and I were left to deal with things as best as we could in the meantime. Which was… not that well.
There was some yelling and crying and staring at each other.
There was angry sex and comforting sex and everything in between.
And yet, I never saw it coming when Faye pushed up her glasses one day and asked me to see her lawyer with her.
“Six o’clock tonight,” she said almost shyly as we sat, as usual, in her office. “You don’t have to come, of course. I just thought you might be interested. This kind of concerns you, too.”
“Of course I’ll go with you.” I didn’t need to be asked twice. If she’d ever thought to ask me to go to any of the other appointments, I would’ve gone to those, too.
Tisha Bradley’s office was just outside of town, its entrance hidden among the crumbling brick of decades-old homes. I almost expected a white-gloved butler to open the door. Instead we got Tisha, youthful and bubbly.
She was around Faye’s age, and her outfit would’ve suggested a serious career woman if it weren’t for the multicolored polka dots peppering every article of clothing from the pencil skirt to the blazer.
“Where did you find this woman?” I murmured to Faye.
She gave me an amused glance. “She was highly recommended. She’s legit.”
Tisha had likely overheard us, but she gave us a peppy smile anyway. “So this little cutie has a problem,” she said, gazing adoringly at Gretchen. “I’m not surprised that too many people want her.”
“She’s the light of our lives,” Faye said seriously. “We’re not willing to give her up.”
“Don’t worry, we’re going to fight for that darling little face of hers.”
I gave the lawyer a hard look. “Do you have children yourself, Ms. Bradley? And how long have you been practicing law?”
The smile dropped from Tisha’s face. “I have nieces and nephews that I’d move mountains for. It’s been hard to find time to have my own children since I’ve been working eighty-hour weeks for the past ten years.”
“Okay.”
“So if you’re done questioning my qualifications…”
Mollified, I nodded. “Please go on.”
“This is an interesting pickle you’ve gotten yourselves into. Normally the mother is the default to get primary custody, but from what you’ve told me, this little one’s mama isn’t in the picture at all.”
“Not really,” Faye said. “I’ve encouraged her to get involved in Gretchen’s life, but she doesn’t seem interested.”
Tisha shuffled through the files. “A shame that we haven’t been able to finalize the adoption quicker. If it’d already gone through, that would make this a little easier. I don’t suppose you’d consider some sort of custody-sharing arrangement, would you? It’s not as if you want to wrench Gretchen away from her father.”
“It’s not as if we want to, but…”
“He’s a prick,” I interrupted. “We do want to wrench her away from her father.”
“I see.” Tisha examined the files again. “I’ll see what I can do for you. We’ll look into both biological parents and evaluate how the courts will perceive them, versus you. Judges generally want to provide the most stable living environment for a child.”
“That’s what we want to give Gretchen.” My voice came out higher than I’d intended it to, nearly cracking as I finished the sentence. “We’re a couple. We live together. Gretchen’s spent her entire life so far with us.”
“And that’s a plus,” Tisha said. “But we’ll have to see what we find out about this Derek character.”
“What do you think?” I asked as
we left Tisha’s office.
“I think… I’m glad I have you for support.” Faye grabbed my hand, the one that wasn’t holding Gretchen in her sling.
As we reached her car, I gave her a baleful look. “I’m not just here to support you, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
But I couldn’t tell her.
If she didn’t get it yet, she’d have to figure it out for herself.
20
Faye
The news wasn’t going to be good. I could tell from the look on Tisha’s face.
She’d hardly stopped smiling during our first meeting a week ago. Today she looked as if someone had just kicked her grandfather in the nuts.
Maybe her best friend died, I tried to reassure myself. Maybe it’s not about Gretchen at all.
But as Tisha opened our file and winced at what she saw, I knew that was a futile hope.
“Gretchen’s father’s name is Derek Conway,” she said. “Lives in Sargasso. His first step is establishing paternity, and then he needs to contest the adoption. No genetic testing done as of yet, but he’s shown photo evidence that he was romantically linked with your sister at the time of conception. Considering he has no other reason to claim the fatherhood, I don’t think there’s much doubt about that.”
I nodded, trying to act like the thought of my kid sister conceiving the baby I was holding didn’t make me cringe. At my side, Jaz bobbed her head along with me.
“So what do we know about Mr. Conway?” she asked. “Other than that he’s a sleazy-ass douchebag and a mild homophobe.”
“That’s the thing,” Tisha said. “I’m sorry to tell you this, but Conway appears to be an upstanding pillar of the community.”
Jaz groaned, and I dropped my gaze to my lap. Shit.
“What’s so great about him?” Jaz asked.
“He’s a Conway… of the Winchester Conways,” Tisha said.
“The so-called high society family that’s dripping with old money?”
“That’s the one.” Tisha didn’t have to explain any further. I already knew the clan was made up of governors, diplomats, and various other eminent professions. “Never married, no children. An investment banker, makes an excellent living. Homeowner, taxpayer. Does charity work in his spare time.”
“He sounds… stable.” I massaged my temples. It didn’t take a genius to figure out a wealthy banker with a fancy home would look better to a judge than a couple of impoverished academics.
Jaz sounded as discouraged as me. “Isn’t there any good news?”
“Uh… not particularly. According to Conway, he’s always wanted to be a father, and he’s willing to battle you two in court for as long as necessary.”
My throat clenched up, only easing up a little when Jaz’s hand slipped into mine. “There’s two of us and one of him,” she said. “Doesn’t that matter at all? Wouldn’t the judge prefer Gretchen grow up in a two-parent home?”
“Theoretically, but I doubt they’ll see it like that.” Tisha looked even more sympathetic now. “Maybe if both of you were to adopt her, but as it stands, only Faye is on the paperwork.”
“I’ll do it.”
I sat stick-straight, staring at Jaz. “No. I can’t ask you to do that.”
She set her hands on the desk. “What if I want to?” Her voice cracked slightly. “What if I’ve been wanting to for a while?”
Tisha looked from me to her. “You two will have to resolve this together. It won’t be a magic bullet to keep Gretchen, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“I don’t care.” Jaz held her head higher now, as if a weight had finally come off her shoulders. “I want to do it anyway.”
* * *
It would’ve been utterly selfish of me to let Jaz adopt Gretchen with me.
She was young. She had her whole life ahead of her. She had no need to tie herself down to some older woman and her niece.
But as we got into bed that night and Jaz curled her back into me, saying “I really want to do this, you know…”
Heaven help me, the idea wouldn’t let me go.
I lay there for hours, debating possible outcomes, envisioning potential futures. I knew Jaz loved Gretchen. More importantly, we loved each other. And now that the image had come to me, I wanted nothing more than to sign those papers with her, put a ring on her finger, make an honest-to-goodness family together.
But then there were the other possibilities I pictured. Jaz single, finishing her masters in record time without me and Gretchen dragging her down. Jaz completing her Ph.D. because she didn’t have to run out and get a job to feed a child who wasn’t hers. Jaz finding a great job, putting in a few years, and getting tenure right on schedule.
Jaz heartbroken at first… then meeting other girls. Dating around. Maybe nothing would come of it at first, but she’d keep at it. She had so much love to give, she wouldn’t be alone for long.
Even if we were great together, she’d be compatible with plenty of other women. She was such a wonderful person, how could she not be? Eventually one girl or another would get under her skin, and she’d feel a spark of attraction. Her interest would grow. Soon she’d find herself falling in love. Forgetting me.
That part hurt… more than I cared to admit.
But as I thrashed in the sheets, cold sweat trickled down my spine.
Because Jaz still had the chance to do this the right way. Date the person first. Get married. Find a sperm donor, or start the adoption process—either way, doing it together.
She wouldn’t have to deal with all the drama of my fucked-up family. No Amanda, no Ma, no Brenda.
No me…
But sometimes if you loved something, you had to let it go.
21
Jaz
As I woke up, Faye whispered softly to me, “No.”
Her arms were wrapped around me. I smiled, rubbing myself against her bare skin. I didn’t know what she was talking about, didn’t care either. Trailing my hand lazily down her chest, I thanked the stars again for giving me my heart’s deepest desire.
“Jaz, did you hear me? The answer is no.” Her voice was curt enough for me to open my eyes in shock. Her face was just as cold, even if there was a hint of pain there, too. “And what’s more, I think it’s best if you move out.”
“What are you talking about?” I sat straight up, sheets sliding off me.
The bags under Faye’s eyes betrayed how much sleep she hadn’t gotten, yet she moved with surprising energy as she leapt out of bed. “You should go. No, you need to. I won’t let you stay and go through this when you don’t have to.”
From her crib beside the bed, Gretchen let out a piercing wail. I moved for her, the response automatic. When she cried, I comforted her. That was how it worked.
Except this time, Faye jumped in between us. “I’ll deal with her.”
“You don’t want me to get her to stop?”
Gretchen cried louder.
“You need to go. Now.”
I tossed on clothes, still sleepy despite my confusion. “So I’ll get Gretchen from you at your office? That doesn’t make sense. I might as well take her now if you need me to go out. But I don’t get why you want me to go out.”
“No, Jaz. You’ll pick Gretchen up never. I’ll watch her myself today.”
“You have classes.” I knew her schedule forwards and backwards. This didn’t make sense.
“I’ll handle my classes!” Faye shouted.
My shirt was on inside-out, and I went to fix it.
Faye pointed at the door. “Stop dawdling and go. I…” She cut herself off. “You can pick up your stuff later. Tonight, maybe. I don’t know.”
“Faye, what is this?” I got my top on the right way and pressed a hand to my forehead. “I don’t understand. What are you saying?”
“I can’t make you do this. I’m going to lose Gretchen, and I don’t want you going through this along with me.” Her eyes were shining. “I have to do this alone.”<
br />
It was beginning to dawn on me. “No, that’s not going to happen. I love this kid. What, you’re going to take her away from me so I don’t have to lose her? Are you even hearing yourself?” It made so little sense, I wanted to laugh.
“Don’t think I haven’t thought this through.” Faye turned away, dabbing at an eye. “This isn’t the life for you. We’re holding you back, me and Gretchen. You’re never going to finish your masters at this rate, never mind your Ph.D.”
“What?” I crossed the room and grabbed her arm, shaking her to make her look at me. “Did you ever ask if I want a Ph.D.? Did you ever wonder if maybe I love you and Gretchen more than my education?”
“You can’t. You shouldn’t.”
“That’s not your choice to make, Faye.”
“I’m making it anyway.”
Gretchen kept screaming as I backed away from her. “Fine. I’ll go.” I walked to the door as calmly as I could when my heart was shattering.
If Faye was serious, I couldn’t force her to let me stay.
* * *
I sleepwalked through the day. When Farrah found me in the grad students’ lounge at lunchtime, I’d been staring at a textbook for fifteen minutes.
At its front cover, to be precise.
“What’s going on?” she asked. “Where’s Gretchen?”
“Baby… daddy… Faye… Ph.D.…”
She blinked and examined me closely. “Are you saying the baby’s father came back and Faye has a Ph.D.?”
That almost made me smile. “Close. She dumped me because she thinks she and Gretchen are holding me back from getting a Ph.D.” I sniffed. “Or something like that. I don’t really know.”
After questioning me a bit more, she shook her head and leaned back. “Where are you going to stay now?”
“I have no idea. I haven’t gotten that far. All I can think about is making her change her mind.”