by H. L. Logan
“You’re welcome to move in with us while you figure out what to do next.” Farrah paused. “I hate to say this, Jaz, but maybe it’s for the best. Faye and Gretchen aren’t your family.”
That was nice of her… I just hoped I wouldn’t have to take her up on the offer. “Would you let Sven break up with you if he thought he was standing in your way?” I demanded. “Or would you tell him he herself is everything you’ve ever wanted?”
Farrah considered for a moment. “I see what you mean, but loving Faye isn’t enough. She does come with a baby.”
“A baby I think of as my own daughter.” I sighed and rubbed my knee. “I know it’s crazy, I know I’m young to have a kid… but there’s plenty of parents our age. I’ve taken care of so many of my cousins, but I never felt like this toward them. Gretchen is… mine. Even if I never see her again, she’ll always be part of me.”
“God, Jaz.”
“I know.” I picked up my textbook and flipped through it as if I had any intention of actually reading it. “I have to get her back.”
“What are you going to do?”
“We have a meeting with our lawyer tonight at six. I’m guessing Faye thinks I’ve forgotten.”
Farrah bit her lip. “You’re probably not invited anymore.”
She was always so sensible. But sometimes being sensible wasn’t an option.
“All the more reason to go.”
22
Faye
“Yes, there’s a baby in a sling on my chest. Yes, she’s really unbelievably adorable. Any further questions?”
Hands went up across the five-hundred-person lecture hall.
“Then save them for somebody who cares, because I’m not answering them.” I shifted Gretchen against my chest. “If she becomes a disturbance, you’re all going home. Otherwise, I expect you to act like she’s not even here.”
A rush of whispers broke out. They were loud enough for me to catch the gist—that if the students could get the baby to cry, they’d get the day off from my class.
I smiled sardonically. “Regardless of whether you all go home, you’ll still have a quiz worth twenty percent of your grade on Wednesday. And not all of what it covers is in the book.”
I’d never seen a crowd that big go that silent, that fast.
“Now, let’s talk about the othering of Africans in Heart of Darkness.”
I had a sneaking suspicion that Gretchen’s presence today, along with my policies about it, were going to be front-page news in the Beasley student paper. Still, it was good to have the students’ attention again. I’d been slipping lately, not preparing as much as I should’ve, hemming and hawing when I normally would’ve been orating passionately.
Gretchen was keeping my hands full on her own, and then there was the drama with Derek. I’d hardly been sleeping, and my job responsibilities had taken a back seat. A tiny bright spot was that my ex seemed to have given up on her revenge attempts, doubtless because of Jaz’s threat of a restraining order. I could admit she was actually smarter than me sometimes.
But from here on in, I’d be going it alone. And as much as I knew I was doing what was best for Jaz, I still wished it didn’t have to be this way.
None of the professors or other staff in the humanities building had been willing to take Gretchen for the morning. They were more than willing to come and coo over her when it was all fun and games, but in a situation where it wasn’t convenient for them, they suddenly had a million excuses. They were in the middle of research, they had their own classes to teach, blah blah blah…
I couldn’t blame anyone but myself for the circumstances I was in. People had their own lives, I understood. Jaz had just spoiled me by being so willing to take Gretchen anytime, no matter what.
I let out a long exhale, realizing I’d stopped lecturing in the middle of a sentence. I couldn’t even blame Gretchen’s sweet smile or chubby cheeks. I’d simply been lost in my own thoughts. Looking at the PowerPoint slide, I started over. Still, my mind was far from the material.
My lips twitched as I remembered the time I’d called her and made her get out of bed to come over and soothe her. We hadn’t even been dating yet. Not even sleeping together. And even then, she said it wasn’t a big deal. She said she cared about her that much.
A ray of warmth threatened to penetrate my heart, but I pushed it forcefully out.
Even then, she’d been putting Gretchen before herself.
And that was exactly what I could no longer let her do.
23
Jaz
Although I tried to get to Tisha’s office early, Faye’s car was already there when I arrived. That was a bad sign. It’d be easier for her to throw me out on arrival than to get me out if I was already in there with Tisha.
I grimaced as I got out of the car. For all I knew, she’d already warned her I might show up and the two of them had already decided how to turn me away. At least my other fear hadn’t come true—they hadn’t rescheduled the meeting.
I knocked on the door and Tisha opened it a second later. “There you are,” she said enthusiastically. “Faye told me you weren’t coming. I’ve been small-talking her to put off starting. I knew you wouldn’t miss this.”
A step behind her, Faye glared at me. “She needs to miss this, actually. It’s not her business anymore.”
“I’m not here for you,” I told her. “I’m here about Gretchen, because I care about her and want what’s best for her.”
“You’ll definitely want to hear what I have to tell you,” Tisha said.
“Jaz, go home.” When I showed no inclination to leave, Faye turned to the lawyer instead. “She’s not part of this. She has nothing to contribute here.”
“Look, your relationship has nothing to do with me. Dr. Erwin, you hired me to represent you, but Jaz has been there since the start. I don’t want to repeat myself when you decide she should be here after all. Now, are you absolutely one hundred percent positive you don’t want her here?”
I caught Faye’s eye, hoping she’d see the sincerity there. “Faye… I’m here for Gretchen. She’s like a daughter to me.”
“You know what? Fine. I don’t care. If you want to take this burden on yourself, go for it.”
I cleared my throat. “I don’t think she’s a burden at all.”
I was dying to hold her, actually. It’d been a long time since I’d spent a whole day without her, and it felt like I was missing a part of myself. I’d felt unnaturally light as I walked around campus. And skipping story hour at the library on a Wednesday just felt wrong.
With that settled, we sat down in Tisha’s office. As she started talking around the problem, beating around the bush with the lead-up to whatever she was going to say, I let my eyes linger on Faye.
Was I really never going to get to kiss those plush lips again? Never touch that soft hair, or run my hands down the slender back? Could it really be that I’d never again quiver under her as she ravished me, or listen to her moans as I worked between her legs?
I’d change her mind. I had to.
Don’t do this, I told her with my eyes.
In response, she looked at Tisha. “Could you get to the point?”
“Sorry,” she said. “The crux of it is that I’ve been in touch with both Gretchen’s mother and father.”
“You found Amanda?” I blurted out.
“Yes. She’s been living in Sargasso, where Derek ran into her.” She turned to Faye. “She’s willing to talk to you. Not a negotiation… I mean on a personal level.”
“And Derek?” Faye asked softly.
“He’s hoping this doesn’t have to turn into an all-out custody battle.” Tisha bit her lip. “He’d like to talk to you, too. Mediated by me.”
“I’m joining you,” I said. No question of it. No one and nothing was going to keep me away.
Apparently Faye hadn’t gotten the memo. “No,” she growled.
“I’ll let the two of you work it out,” Tisha said.
“There were some small things I was going to go over with you, but all things considered…” She looked from Faye to me. “I think your time would be better spent coming to an agreement together.”
She let us out, and Faye and I stood tensely in the parking lot, an arm’s span apart. I ached to step closer, to take her in my arms the way I’d been able to for so long.
Funny how fast you can get used to something you never thought you’d have. A year ago, it would’ve been unimaginable for me to ever kiss Dr. Faye Erwin. Today it was unimaginable that I couldn’t.
“You don’t have to do this,” I said softly. “I’m here. You’re not sparing me from anything by pushing me away. You’re only making this harder for both of us.”
Faye cradled the baby closer to her chest. “Stop trying to change my mind. It’s a final decision.”
My heart broke a little more. “Fine,” I said. “But at least keep me updated on what happens with Gretchen.”
“I’ll think about it.”
I’d never guessed she could be so cold. “Please,” I said. “And let me come to the meeting with Derek.”
“Maybe.”
It sounded like a no.
My limbs felt weak. If she stuck to this decision, today could seriously be the last time I’d ever see Gretchen. My throat got tight at the thought, and I couldn’t keep from choking up.
“Let me hold her,” I said, nearly begging now. “I just want to give her a kiss.”
Faye stepped neatly around me. “It’s better if you don’t.”
“Please…”
“Forget her,” she said. “Forget us.”
* * *
There was no word from Faye after that. Not directly, anyway.
Through Dr. O’Neill, she sent the message that I could pick my things up the next night, when she’d be out. And like an obedient little ex-girlfriend, I went.
Just walking into the apartment nearly had me in tears. I’d spent the happiest days of my life here. I’d thought—stupidly—they’d never end.
Before packing anything, I wandered around and touched everything. Here was the couch I’d cuddled Gretchen on. Here was the sink where I’d bathed her.
A few Lego blocks were still on the floor. Out of habit, I picked them up and put them back in the box.
For the last time. I rubbed my eyes.
When the emotion had faded enough, I went into the bedroom. The memories were just as strong here, if more sexual.
Was it only a few nights ago Faye had me pinned to the mattress, telling me how much she loved me as she kissed down the length of my body? It felt like an eternity.
I took my things. Books, mostly—I didn’t own much else. My clothes fit in a couple of shopping bags. I could carry everything down to the car in one trip.
When everything was collected in bags at the door, I paused and took a few breaths. As soon as I took this mass of stuff out the door, it’d be as if I’d never been here at all. It was that easy for Faye to erase me from her life.
No wonder she’d never committed to me in any major way. Whether consciously or not, she’d been leaving this option open.
Staying on Sven and Farrah’s couch was only a temporary solution. Where did I go from here? Should I get another apartment with new roommates, or move back to my mom’s place to lick my wounds? She’d enjoy the company, and I knew my incessant whining was already starting to irritate my friends. For my part, it was a little difficult to spend so much time with a happy couple when I was this heartbroken.
Swallowing my bitterness, I grabbed the bags. A book toppled from one stack and fell on the floor—my copy of Twenty-One Love Poems.
I picked it up and set it on Faye’s coffee table, leaving it open to the unnamed poem with the line I’d quoted so long ago.
I used to think I understood what Adrienne Rich meant about a body haunting you.
Now I knew. And I desperately wished I didn’t.
24
Faye
On the floor, Gretchen scooted from one end of the kitchen to the other. She was restless today, moving constantly around the apartment as best as she could on her chubby little knees.
It did feel oddly empty without Jaz here. But she was too little to understand that.
The phone rang, and I picked it up with a sigh.
“Hey, sis.”
“Amanda.” I pressed the phone to my ear, sinking back into my chair. “The lawyer said you would call. I guess you’ve heard the news about Gretchen.”
“I have.”
I glanced at the baby crawling into the living room, my heart aching at the thought of her being taken away from me. “This Derek guy… is he really the father?”
Amanda paused for a long moment. “Yes.”
“So you knew all along? Why would you tell me you had no idea?”
“I had my reasons, okay?”
“Reasons like what?” I pressed. “Did you know from the start he’d actually want Gretchen? Why would you take her away from a loving home?”
My sister sighed. “I didn’t want to put this on him.” Her voice got smaller. “I was in love, okay? I didn’t know who he was when he picked me up in the bar. Or when we decided to go on a few other dates after that. He always came over to my place, not the other way around. I was never some kind of gold digger. It wasn’t about that.”
“So you didn’t know he was a Conway?”
“No!” Amanda said. “Not until well after I’d fallen for him. We spent every minute together for a month, and I’d never been so happy. He treated me like a princess, and me… I worshiped him.”
I listened, unsure how all this mattered.
“But then I fucked up,” she went on. “I forgot to take my birth control. By the time I took a pregnancy test, I understood who I was dealing with. I knew he’d think I’d done it on purpose, trying to trap him into marrying me. He was always paranoid, talking about how the women he dated were desperate to get a piece of his wealth and attach themselves to his family name. I wasn’t like that. It was an honest mistake, I swear.”
“I believe you.” And for whatever reason, I did. I knew my sister well enough to know she was essentially a genuine person. She could be evasive, she could disappear for months or sneak around the truth when I did get ahold of her, but right now I had no doubt she was speaking from the heart.
“Thank you.” She sniffled. “I couldn’t get rid of the baby. Couldn’t imagine doing it, even when it was only a little ball of cells. I knew it was going to grow into a real person, Derek’s son or daughter. I decided to disappear and give birth.”
“So you could raise Gretchen on your own?”
“No… so I could go back to Derek after.”
My eyes fell on the baby again, innocently making her way around the room on her hands and knees. “You never intended to keep Gretchen?”
“I was going to for a few months,” she said. “Long enough to get my body back… so that Derek wouldn’t notice anything when I went back to him. I figured I’d make up some story about how I’d been traveling in Europe… I thought we could pick up where we left off.”
“And then?”
“And then I had Gretchen,” she said, her voice breaking. “And I loved her.”
Of everything Amanda could’ve said, that was the last thing I’d expected to hear. “You did?”
“So much I couldn’t stand to be around her.” Amanda sniffled again. “I had to get her away from me as soon as possible, or I knew I’d never be able to leave.”
“That’s when you brought her to me.”
“Exactly.” She had to be crying now, I could hear the choked sobs. “I’m sorry, Faye. It was for Gretchen’s own good. I’m sorry for the way I did it, too, but I had to. I couldn’t look at you when I dropped her off. I knew you’d have questions I wouldn’t be able to answer. And if I had to stand there and answer them, I would’ve broken. Forgotten the whole plan and taken her with me. And I wanted to be with Derek more than anything els
e.”
More than being with her daughter. Anger flared inside me. Amanda might’ve been sincere, but leaving her baby with someone else still made her a shitty mother in my eyes.
“But you didn’t go back to Derek in the end,” I said. “Why?”
I figured he’d probably had a new girlfriend by that point. A wealthy, attractive man like that wouldn’t stay single for long if he didn’t want to.
But Amanda’s answer surprised me. “Because of you,” she sobbed. “By the time I’d gotten back to my normal self, you’d gotten in my head with your whole thing about how I should’ve kept Gretchen. I knew I was a terrible mother, a pathetic human being… and Derek deserved better than that.”
“God, Amanda.” I could almost feel sorry for her. “Where have you been all this time? What have you been doing?”
“Nothing in particular. This and that.” She sighed. “I pick up work when I can. Waitressing, bartending… I scrape by okay. I’ve been sending as much money as I can.”
“And I appreciate that. The checks helped. I know things are as tight for you as they are for me.”
Amanda made a small sound of acknowledgment. “It’s been lonely. I went back to Sargasso, since that’s where I was last happy. I tried hanging out with my old friends again, but nothing was the same. All I could think about was Gretchen. And when I ran into Derek…”
“You told him the truth,” I finished.
“He got it out of me. I don’t think he thinks I’m a gold digger… but he doesn’t want me back, either. He just wants to take my baby and raise her. Alone.”
“I’m not going to let him do that. I’m going to fight tooth and nail to keep her.” I hesitated, a pit growing in my chest. “You don’t want to take her now, do you?”
Amanda sniffled one last time. “I don’t know, Faye. I know you’re a better parent than I’d ever be. But I miss her. Even though I only had her for one day, I love her.”
On the floor, Gretchen had managed to surround herself with blocks of all different colors. For such a tiny kid, she seemed to have a big effect on people.