Baby Mommas

by H. L. Logan

  “We’ll figure this out,” I told my sister. “The important thing is keeping her in the family.”

  We hung up, and I focused on Gretchen. “You’re giving a lot of people a really big headache, little girl.”

  She usually paid little attention when I spoke, but this time she looked straight at me. “Ma?”

  I leapt out of the chair. “Did you just say Mom?” Was she calling me Mom? I dropped to my knees in front of her, grabbing her hand and squeezing it. “Say that again, sweetie.” Where was my camera when I needed it?

  Pulling her hand away, Gretchen pushed herself onto her butt and looked up at me with innocent blue eyes. “Where Ma?”

  Oh. This wasn’t about me at all.

  “Jaz isn’t here, Gretchen. She’s not your mom, either.”

  Her lips quivered. “Ma!” She began to crawl away.

  * * *

  Yet again, I couldn’t find anyone to take Gretchen for the day. People were busy, and it was last-minute.

  “I can get you the number for the babysitter my daughter uses,” Pauline offered over the phone. “I bet if she’s busy, she’ll know someone else you can call.”

  I didn’t feel like playing phone tag. I might only have a few more weeks to spend with Gretchen.

  “That’s all right,” I said. “I’m going to take the day off.”

  I called in sick, asking the department head to put a flyer on the lecture hall door announcing my classes were canceled. I sent a mass email to my students advising them of the same. And then I was free to take Gretchen wherever I wanted.

  “How do you feel about the park?” I asked her.

  She giggled and said, “Park!”

  When we got there, I put her in the baby swing. She giggled and gurgled as I gently pushed her into the air. Her joy was so pure and innocent, it almost broke my heart. She was so lucky to not understand any of the drama surrounding her.

  As for me, the recent events weighed heavier on me every day. Worse, I had no one to talk about them with. Tisha helped with the legal aspects, but I wasn’t about to dump all my emotional problems on her. None of my colleagues would want to hear about my devastation and my heartbreak, my fears and my anxiety. And confiding in Ma or Amanda wasn’t going to happen, for obvious reasons.

  Jaz was the only person who would’ve understood.

  “Do you want to go in the sandbox, or do you want to eat lunch?” I asked Gretchen.

  More and more often, her single words and broken syllables made it seem like she actually understood me. “Hungee!” she said.

  I set a blanket down in the grass and opened a jar of baby food. When Gretchen was done, I wiped off her face the way Jaz had shown me all those months ago. With a heavy heart, I unwrapped the sandwich I’d brought with me.

  We spent a while sitting and watching the bigger kids play. It was peaceful there, and I lay back on the blanket to stare up at the clouds. I still wasn’t sure what I’d do if Amanda wanted her back. It would be better than letting a complete stranger take her away from the entire family, but I’d miss her so terribly. What was best for her, though? That was the real question.

  With a sigh, I pushed myself to sit up. “When’s your story hour, kid? I know it’s at one p.m., but I can’t remember if it’s on Mondays or Wednesdays.”

  Gretchen only blinked those big eyes at me in response.

  Jaz would know… but Jaz wasn’t here, and I had to stop thinking about her. Even if that got a little harder with each passing moment.

  “Let’s go to the library anyway,” I told the baby. “If it’s not today, we can still get you some new picture books.”

  As it turned out, story hour was today. I slipped into the back of the room as the librarian set up in the middle. With Gretchen on my lap, I got ready to listen.

  “Ma!” Gretchen said.

  “Shh, it’s not time to talk now.”

  She ignored me, reaching her chubby arms out. “Ma!”

  I looked where she was looking, right next to us. “Jaz?”

  “Gretchen! Hey, gorgeous.” Jaz held her arms out for the baby, then dropped them immediately. “Sorry,” she said to me. “I forgot for a second.”

  Gretchen squirmed wildly, trying to get to Jaz. “Ma! Ma!”

  Fuck. I pursed my lips and handed her over to her. “She misses you,” I said quietly.

  “I miss you too, Gretchen. So much.” She squeezed her in her arms until she squeaked and giggled. Jaz’s face was lit up, a smile spreading across her face… until she looked at me again and it disappeared.

  I miss you too. I don’t want to be alone without you. Please, please come back to me…

  “What are you doing here?” I asked instead. I frowned, unable to conceive of why a grown woman would come alone to story hour. “Are you following me?”

  She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, Faye, I’m following you by showing up here before you even got here. I totally knew you were even going to be here. I’m psychic, in case you’d forgotten.”

  “All right, all right. I guess we did only decide to come here at the last minute, but…”

  “Excuse me.” The librarian was glaring at us. Apparently the story hour was about to start.

  “Let’s talk after,” I whispered.

  Gretchen bounced on my lap for the duration of The Giving Tree. For my part, I barely heard a word that came out of the librarian’s mouth. I was more focused on Jaz’s proximity to me. Even when we weren’t exchanging a word, being so close to her put all sorts of thoughts in my head. I ached to lean closer, to take her hand.

  All right, I also wanted to drag her out of the room and somewhere private so I could ravish every single inch of her… but obviously that wasn’t going to happen.

  When the story was over, I picked Gretchen up. Jaz followed me out to the children’s area, where I put Gretchen down and let her crawl around investigating the different books she didn’t know how to read yet. She became engrossed in one with especially pretty pictures, and I turned to Jaz.

  “So why are you here?”

  “I don’t really know, to be honest. I just find it relaxing. I haven’t been able to get much done, and I thought it’d be a nice break.”

  “You haven’t been working on your thesis?”

  She dropped her gaze. “Not exactly.”

  But that was why I’d broken up with her. If she wasn’t getting her degree done, what was even the point?

  If Gretchen missed her and she missed Gretchen… if she missed me, and Lord knew I missed her…

  Stop thinking along those lines, Faye. That’s a dangerous road to go down. This is for her own good.

  “You should be working,” I told her.

  Before she could answer, Gretchen flopped onto her butt and looked up at her. “Ma! Weed!”

  I frowned. “Weed?” Was I raising the world’s youngest pothead?

  “Read,” Jaz said. “She wants me to read to her.”

  “Oh.”

  She sat on the floor next to her and picked up the book she’d been examining. Her face bloomed with happiness as she read the introductory words.

  And I couldn’t deny it anymore. Gretchen loved Jaz. It was clear as day. As tiny as she was, she understood enough to know who she was and that she adored her. What’s more, the feeling was mutual.

  Jaz hadn’t even reacted to Gretchen calling her Ma. I’d been so excited at the thought that she might see me as a mom. For Jaz, it seemed to be a given.

  She’d been acting like Gretchen’s mom for the better part of a year. In both of their eyes, she was her mom. And I’d taken her away from her.

  “Jaz…” I whispered when the story was over. “I’m sorry.”

  She jerked around to look up at me. “What?”

  “I think… I might’ve been wrong. I only wanted what was best for you, but… maybe I should’ve let you decide.”

  Gretchen was silent, as if she understood we were having an adult moment.

  Jaz stood up, comin
g face to face with me. “Are you saying you want me back?”

  “I never stopped wanting you.”

  Her hands cupped my face. “You’d take me back, then?”

  Slowly, I nodded. More than anything, I wanted her to kiss me right there in the middle of the library. But I couldn’t let her get her hopes up without giving her all the information.

  “I don’t know if we’ll get Gretchen away from Derek,” I said softly. “And Amanda might want her too.”

  She swallowed, and I trembled. Maybe this wasn’t good enough for her. Maybe without Gretchen, I wouldn’t be enough.

  At last she spoke, and although her voice was sorrowful, it was also resolute.

  “We’ll make it work,” she said. “We’ll get through it. Together.”

  25

  Jaz

  Faye’s change of heart was so sudden, I couldn’t stop questioning it. “Are you sure?” I asked as we left the library.

  “This is for real?” as I brought my bags from my car up her stairs.

  “But seriously, though?” as she shut the door to her bedroom.

  She’d just brought Gretchen’s crib into the living room, and she listened for a moment to make sure the nap she seemed to be taking had stuck. “This is absolutely for real,” she said. “I’ve been wishing I could take it back since I told you to leave, but I kept telling myself it was for the best.”

  It was exactly what I wanted to hear… but how could I be sure? She’d been so cold to me, sounded so final. How could I ever erase the memory of how she’d ended it?

  I stood an arm’s length away from her. “You hurt me, Faye,” I said.

  “I hurt myself.” She spoke quietly, regretfully. “I’m pretty sure I hurt Gretchen as well. I was trying to salvage what I could from a bad situation, and I fucked everything up even worse.”

  “I’ll never agree with what you did… but I think I kind of understand.”

  Faye smiled then, her eyes still pained. “I don’t want to drag you down with me. What I’m going to go through in the next few months might not be fun. At all.”

  “You say that like it’s a surprise.” I took a step closer, touched her arm. “You say it like I have a choice in whether to leave or stay. I’m already here, Faye, already in this with you. I love the fuck out of that kid, and you. I’m not going anywhere—I can’t.”

  “Then… would I be a horrible person if I told you to come here?” She opened her arms.

  I fell into them, letting her just hold me for a long moment. It felt like I’d been waiting an eternity for her embrace, and it felt just as warm and solid and comforting as I’d anticipated.

  She lifted my chin and our lips met. Then I was kissing her like I’d never done before. With my kisses, I gave her a series of fierce, passionate demands. Don’t do this again. Don’t ever leave me.

  And in return, she gave me tender affirmations. I made a mistake, and I’m sorry. I’ll never hurt you.

  We clung onto each other, barely separating long enough for her to start stripping us out of our clothes, one piece at a time. I was so focused on kissing her, I was only vaguely aware of her easing my shirt over my head. All I knew was that the heat of her body was suddenly closer, her silky skin against mine.

  “I’ve missed you,” she said. “I know I’ve said that already, but I can’t say it enough.”

  “I missed you so much it hurt.”

  “You… this… us…” She stopped, shaking her head. “Fuck, Jaz, I really love you.”

  Our lips met again and I rubbed against her, desperate to feel close to her. After losing her and getting her back again, there was no time to waste.

  When we were both nude, we fell together onto the bed. Faye positioned herself between my legs, a finger testing my entrance.

  “I fucking need you,” I moaned.

  With a slow nod, she dipped her head between my legs, her finger easing into me. I gasped and tilted my hips up, my back arching against the mattress.

  She licked me slowly, taking her time—probably because every caress she gave me made me groan a little louder. I couldn’t help it. Feeling her on me when I’d thought I never would again … I’d never known anything could be so good.

  “So fucking good.” She pulled her head up, echoing my thoughts.

  I placed my hand on the back of her head, guiding her back to where she’d been. “Fucking love you,” I murmured—and then I was lost to the sensation of her tongue on me.

  Sex between us had never been this slow and loving. For the first time, I was discovering how passionate “making love” could be. Our usual way was pleasurable, yes… but when she slowed down like this, I got to savor the way her tongue circled my delicate nub and how her fingers slid along my slick folds.

  Every ridge and valley inside me responded to her, every nerve ending vibrating at her caress. I stroked my breasts unconsciously, my legs seizing up around her back.

  She lowered her head, pressing soft kisses to my inner thigh. “Jaz…”

  “Mmm.”

  Her hands ran over my body, leaving trails of heat in their wake. “I know I can never make up for leaving you… but I hope this might help a little.”

  Before I could form the words for a response, she’d fixed her lips to my clit again, adjusting the angle of her hand inside me. Her fingers curled against something exquisitely sensitive.

  A white-hot, blinding light appeared behind the back of my eyelids.

  And I screamed… and screamed… and screamed…

  * * *

  “What the hell was that?” I gasped as Faye toweled me down lovingly a few minutes later. “How did you… just… how?”

  She gave a soft laugh. “You already forget how well I know your body.”

  We fell back onto the mattress together, clinging to each other so tightly I thought nothing could ever tear us apart.

  “But on a more serious subject, I have a meeting with Derek on Thursday,” Faye said. “I mean… we have a meeting.”

  “What are we going to do about him?” I asked, curling my top leg around hers. “Do you think there’s some way to compromise?”

  “There probably is, but I don’t know if I want to. The thing is, even though I have no evidence to prove this, I get the feeling that he’s some kind of…”

  “Douchecanoe?”

  This time, Faye’s laugh was bitter. “Exactly. A douchecanoe.”

  I set my head on her chest. “I know what you mean. He really rubs me the wrong way. He is Gretchen’s biological father, though, so I feel like he deserves… something.”

  “Does he have to, though?” Faye groaned. “Can’t we just have him assassinated or something?”

  “That’s clearly the ideal plan.” I cuddled into her some more. “Seriously, we’ll figure it out. We’ll be together.”

  She was quiet for so long I thought she’d fallen asleep. That would have made sense considering how hard she’d just come.

  Finally she spoke again, though. “Jaz? You should put in the paperwork to adopt Gretchen.”

  My heart pounded. “Really?”

  “Yeah. Even if anything happened with us, I see now that she’s part of your life—and vice versa. I think it’s time to make it official.”

  As pressed up against her as I was, I somehow managed to hug her even harder. “Thank you.”

  “It’s not a big deal, anyway. It’ll all be the same once we’re married.”

  I sat bolt upright. “What? You want to marry me?”

  She looked abashed. “I want to make this official eventually. I know you’re the one for me. And I made a stupid mistake this week, so I want you to be absolutely sure I’ll never do something like that again.” Now she paused as if she was nervous. Dr. Faye Erwin, nervous because of me! “You do want to, don’t you?”

  “Marry you?” I faked disdain. “Some dumb, ugly chick I have nothing in common with, who definitely doesn’t care about me at all, and who totally sucks in bed to boot?”
r />   She suppressed a smile. “I know it’s a crummy deal, but it’s all I have to offer.”

  A grin spread across my face. “Then I suppose I’ve got no choice.”

  26

  Faye

  “It’s going to be okay,” Jaz said, straightening my collar.

  With a sigh, I pushed her hands away. “It’s as straight as it’s going to be. And whether it is or isn’t going to be okay, well, it’s too late to change anything.”

  I grabbed the doorknob. The moment we’d been waiting for and stressing over was finally here.

  It was time to meet Derek.

  When we got into Tisha’s office, Derek was already seated at the head of the table. To my surprise, he wasn’t alone. My sister was to one side, gazing at him longingly despite the empty seat between them.

  She looked up at the sound of us coming in. “Gretchen’s not here?”

  “No. We got her a sitter.”

  “Oh… I was hoping to see her.” Her eyes flitted from me to Jaz. “Who exactly is we?”

  “This is Jaz, my… fiancée.”

  Her eyes widened. “So I’m not the only Erwin who keeps secrets.”

  “I told you about her already. She’s the one who babysat Gretchen all year.”

  That seemed to satisfy Amanda a little. “Nice to meet you,” Jaz said. Amanda mumbled the same.

  Whose side was she on today? Was she here to support Derek, or to try to keep Gretchen for herself? I watched her closely, but I didn’t see any clues in her face.

  “Can we get this show on the road?” Derek asked. “I didn’t come here for pleasantries. I’m here to get custody of my daughter.”

  Tisha poured water into glasses, handing one to each of us. “Let’s try not to be so argumentative, Derek. We met today to try to come to an agreement that will work for everybody. It’s going to take some cooperation.”

  “See, there’s where you’re wrong.” He stared her down. “I’m the only person in this room who’s fit to be a parent. I’m the only one who can give my daughter the life she deserves, and I want her given to me.”