Parenting Your Emerging Adult

by Varda Konstam

  Most emerging adults enter their twenties with high hopes. Upon graduating from college, they find themselves encountering shocks that are difficult to digest. The job market they see is one characterized by impermanence, insecurity and lack of structural supports. Not only have there been profound changes in the types of jobs that are available, but in the number as well. The steep economic downturn has resulted in alarming unemployment rates and massive cutbacks. The ratio of available positions to qualified candidates has shrunk precipitously. Each job opening generates hundreds if not thousands of résumé submissions. As noted by Jean Twenge, a social psychologist at San Diego University, many emerging adults are feeling disillusioned and betrayed. Well-paying jobs with promising career trajectories are rare. Being an upstanding member of the middle class is becoming increasingly challenging.6

  These realities are particularly difficult for today’s emerging adults to accept, given that they are better educated, enjoy more modern conveniences and have access to more goods and services than any previous generation. They are accustomed to a relatively high standard of living and are shocked to find themselves unable to maintain it for themselves, even when they have “good” jobs. The world, they feel, has made them promises that it is now unable to keep. Many emerging adults are struggling with deep disillusionment and anxiety about the future.

  Emerging adults did not anticipate the disconnect they are experiencing between the world that was promised them and the real world they are facing. Long-held assumptions are being shattered on every front. Our emerging adults feel “gypped,” as one parent I interviewed noted. The path to adulthood can be a quagmire even in the best of times. But when today’s career uncertainty is added to the mix, it creates a serious new threat to their senses of safety and security.

  Emerging adults are handling this “crisis” in various ways. Some internalize their disappointments, blame themselves and feel anxious and/or depressed. Others become angry at the system that has failed them, due to what they see as gross negligence on the part of their elders. Those who feel the most threatened are workers in entry-level jobs that require no specific skill sets other than perhaps a college degree and offer no clear path toward advancement. Those who choose highly differentiated fields such as medicine, engineering or fields with specific and valued skill sets are less likely to express these concerns. Still, even formerly enduring careers such as medicine are proving more and more financially challenging.

  Emerging adults feel that they are on their own, navigating uncharted territory without a compass and without any support from society. From their perspective, there is little or no assurance that their contributions will be acknowledged or appreciated. They are being told that they are fortunate to have jobs (for those who have found jobs), but they also feel stuck and discouraged. It is not surprising that in many cases they are reaching out to parents to supply the emotional support and expertise that they need.

  Loyalty

  Loyalty in the workplace is a prime issue on the minds of many emerging adults. Traditionally loyalty has been touted as one of the key qualities an employee brings to the job. The unwritten rule, for past generations, was be loyal to the company and the company will be loyal to you. But today’s emerging adults have seen that contract shattered as the workforce has become commoditized and dispensable. In today’s highly competitive, fluid labor market, emerging adults are keenly aware of the eroding trust among employers, employees and the institutions they serve. Many have witnessed the devastating effects of “downsizing” and “restructuring” in their own parents’ lives. They have repeatedly seen loyal, long-term employees unceremoniously terminated.

  Many firms no longer reward employee loyalty with job security and opportunity, yet the expectations have not really changed for the employees.7 Corporations still expect loyalty from them, even as corporations have demonstrated that they have neither the means nor the intent to repay that loyalty. Emerging adults are wrestling with how to handle that contradiction.

  Emerging adults are determined not to replicate their parents’ experiences. They do not intend to give years of blind loyalty to a job in exchange for flimsy and empty promises. Feeling responsible only to themselves, they are trying to minimize their vulnerability and disposability by actively managing their own careers, a plan that often runs aground in today’s economic climate. Many emerging adults have tried to learn skill sets that they thought would better position them for their next opportunities. However, they are finding that it is hard to be mobile when the jobs just aren’t there. Thus they find themselves stuck between an old “stay loyal to the company” model that no longer works and a new “manage your own career” model that can’t gain any traction.

  Additionally, they are blamed for their slow career movement. Many emerging adults are realizing that there are few opportunities for professional mentoring in today’s career world. A common perception is that emerging adult employees are viewed as resources to be exploited by their employers. As a result, they feel compelled to look out for themselves, to be their own mentors. There seems to be a vicious cycle at play here: Companies are growing more and more reluctant to invest their resources in grooming employees who might wish to leave in one to two years (taking their freshly-groomed skills to the competition if the marketplace permits them the opportunity to do so). Meanwhile, emerging adults are trying to leave jobs due to that lack of career development opportunity.

  Thus we see a nomadic lifestyle in which many emerging adults are moving, somewhat aimlessly, in search of opportunity. Given the feeling that the marketplace views them as disposable commodities, emerging adults have taken to believing that they have to fend for themselves. Changing jobs frequently is associated with building skill sets and positioning themselves to thrive in a challenging market.

  It is often the quest for passion and fulfillment that guides their search. Many in this generation of emerging adults don’t want to settle for jobs they merely can do; they want to find work in which they can make a meaningful contribution and derive a sense of true satisfaction. Yet the economic realities are forcing many emerging adults to put passion on hold. This is creating what I call “the passion dilemma.”

  The Passion Dilemma

  Before the worldwide economic downturn, passion was the buzzword for many emerging adults. Their expectations for themselves and their careers were high, perhaps at an all-time high. This generation of emerging adults was raised to “follow your bliss” and it learned its lessons well: work was supposed to be meaningful, engaging and fun. Some even expected it to be exhilarating.

  Motivated in part by the desire not to replicate their parents’ experiences and in part by the optimistic messaging on which they were raised, their plan was to seek jobs that offered fulfillment, challenge and meaning. As a nice side benefit, they also thought they would be financially rewarded for their efforts. For many emerging adults, the pursuit of fulfillment in the job market is proving to be both elusive and illusory. As a result, they are becoming anxious and despondent about future prospects.

  Emerging adults assume a diversity of approaches in trying to choose a career. While some may pursue paths that are linear and prescribed without prior reflection about their values and attitudes, others engage in experimentation, changing jobs every year or two (or whenever possible), in an attempt to find their passions. Still others pursue careers without considering their unique skills and how they may fit in with the current marketplace. Finding one’s passion at work is viewed by many emerging adults as the key to self-fulfillment, yet jobs that meet this high expectation are in short supply. There is an assumption on the part of many emerging adults that there exists a “right” job. It is their responsibility to figure out what their “right” jobs are and these decisions should be informed by passion.

  The experiences of emerging adults in the workplace may raise questions for you in your role as parent. What are your views about passion?

  •Do you c
onsider being passionate about one’s work necessary for fulfillment and happiness?

  •What messages did you give your child about passion and career when your son or daughter was growing up? Would you revise those messages now if you had the chance?

  •What kind of model have you provided for your emerging adult? Have you pursued passion in your own career? Have you encouraged your emerging adult to follow your modeling or have you told him or her not to make the same mistakes you made?

  •How do you feel about the pursuit of passion in the workplace? Is it wise and appropriate? Should it be a primary pursuit or a secondary one? Are security and salary more important?

  •Do you believe in the maxim, “Do what you love and the money will follow”?

  •Do you have spiritual beliefs about finding one’s purpose in life? Do you believe that each of us is “designed” to do one thing better than anyone else? Do you use words such as calling and destiny?

  •Do you see career as the center of one’s life or as merely one important aspect among many?

  •If your emerging adult is not able to find passion at work, does it imply a deficiency, a life that is “less than”?

  •Have you ever seen your emerging adult engaged in activities that put him or her “in the zone” or in a state of “flow”? Is he or she incorporating any of these activities in her career life? Do you think he or she should be? Why?

  •Do you and your emerging adult differ in your opinions about the importance of passion and does it create tensions in your relationship?

  Passion and the pursuit of the perfect job/perfect life tend to be intertwined for emerging adults (and many of their parents). Christine Hassler, in her book 20-Something, 20-Everything: A Quarter-Life Woman’s Guide to Balance and Direction, provides an illuminating discussion of passion and how it is often viewed as the basis for measuring work success.8 She suggests that most emerging adults are not particularly good at identifying their passions. Also, passion means different things to different people. For Hassler it implies a “fire burning in our bellies” that will drive people toward career fulfillment and well-being. But she suggests that the search for passion may leave some feeling vulnerable and despondent: “…we have become obsessed with finding our passions, and a lot of us have found suffering instead.”9

  For many emerging adults, finding purpose and passion at work is an elusive process. It leads to a yearning for the perfect job, a yearning that places tremendous pressure on emerging adults. Could it be that young men and women are asking too much of their jobs? Could it be that they are looking too hard for fulfillment in that single area of their lives? Perhaps by putting so much pressure on themselves to find passion in the workplace they are shutting off the flow of the very passion they are seeking.

  How do you feel about the passion dilemma? How does it affect you in the role of parent? What if your emerging adult is unable to identify his or her passion?

  Distributing the Passion

  Work has taken center stage for many emerging adults and their parents. The job one does for a living has been given larger-than-life meaning at the expense of other important domains of life. How did this come about? Perhaps it has been a response to uncertain times; perhaps it represents people’s attempt to take control of their lives and the lives of their children. Today, both men and women feel driven to seek their fulfillment in the workplace. The sense of balance for some has been lost. Now many define their identities by what they do for a paycheck.

  Paradoxically, such an approach may leave emerging adults feeling more vulnerable in the long run, especially when the economy doggedly insists on showing them that they are not in control. As Hassler suggests, psychologically, it is better to separate what one does from who one is, otherwise one remains vulnerable to the whims of industry and the economy.10 People’s identities could be wiped out by a simple shift in the job market. Additionally, as Hassler notes, “No job can fill a void or complete us.”11 Passion should not come from one place alone.

  A partial solution to the passion dilemma might lie in spreading the passion around. Perhaps we need to encourage today’s emerging adults to work harder at seeking passion from and infusing passion into other areas of their lives. This is especially true during times when the job market is a passion drought.

  Dr. John L. Holland, a well-regarded leader in the field of career counseling, suggests that there may not be enough jobs in the future to satisfy special interests.12 He further suggests that it is probably unrealistic to expect a single job to satisfy all of one’s needs or to reflect all of the aspects of one’s personality. That means people need to look toward other aspects of their lives, such as hobbies, lifestyles, communities and relationships, to find a sense of satisfaction. This change in emphasis will be a very positive thing. By recognizing the inherent limitations of jobs in providing total fulfillment, emerging adults will naturally give more attention to other domains of life. And in so doing, they will become happier, more fully rounded adults.

  A recent study I completed with my colleague Dr. Ilana Lehmann (of 486 emerging adults twenty-five to thirty years of age) provides a window to understanding the important role of leisure in our lives.13 We found that emerging adults were less likely to be indecisive about their careers if they enjoyed a satisfying leisure life. Having a fulfilling life outside of work seems to be additive and enriching and is associated with an increased likelihood of having clarity in career choice.

  As we encourage our emerging adults to live passionately and fully, it seems inevitable that we, as a society, need to reexamine the central role of work in our lives. Even if the economy rebounds well and produces a surplus of exciting and stimulating jobs, we might want to rethink the amount of emphasis we have given to work when it comes to defining our happiness. Our play time, rest time, volunteering time and relationship time can provide at least as much passion and satisfaction as our job time. As Mark Twain astutely observed, “Work and play are words used to describe the same thing under differing conditions.” 14

  Even the term passion itself may be putting unnecessary pressure on emerging adults. The implication is that we all have the “fire burning in our bellies” about which Hassler talks and that people only need to expose themselves to the right job situations in order to discover it. Passion suggests heat, intensity, lust and hunger. But maybe this isn’t the way it works for everyone. Maybe some people don’t feel their “callings” in life as burning passion. For some, perhaps it is only the gentlest of pulls, the faintest of whispers. And maybe that’s okay. Maybe telling everyone to find a passion is a misleading notion.

  I suggest a low-pressure route to the pursuit of happiness, an alternative way of framing the search. Perhaps what emerging adults need to look for in their jobs are a few elements that they value and enjoy. Think about the activities that your emerging adult enjoys so much that she or he gets lost in them and loses track of time. Think about the principles, topics and ideas your emerging adult values. Maybe finding a job that incorporates both of these elements is “good enough.”

  Perhaps identifying and pursuing a few job requirements may be a more manageable goal for your son or daughter than trying to unlock his or her hidden life passion. The pressure on your emerging adult and you may ease significantly as a result. For example, your emerging adult’s dream job may entail working outdoors with other people in a company that is environmentally responsible. Instead of searching for her passion, your emerging adult might pursue a job that incorporates the elements that she values and enjoys. In the process, she might experience a good deal of fulfillment and gratification. Later, if passion arises, all the better.

  More Suggestions and Insights to Consider

  Perhaps today’s emerging adults, by entering the workforce at such an uncertain time, will be forever marked by a sense of privation and frugality, as many who came of age during the Great Depression were. Or maybe they will become more like Gen Xers who entered the workplace i
n the recessionary nineties, during a time of massive cutbacks. The result: They became plucky, self-reliant career managers. Most emerging adults I interviewed were savvy and resilient. A substantial minority, though, were overwhelmed by the changing tide and felt disillusioned and despondent.

  Jessica Godofsky, Cliff Zukin and Carl Van Horn, researchers at the John J. Heldrich Center for Workforce Development, found interesting results when they asked recent college graduates what they would do differently if they had a chance to live their college experiences all over again.15 Many college graduates said that they would be more careful and thoughtful about the process of choosing a major and would select different majors, ones that would presumably lead to a greater number of job opportunities than they encountered. They also stated they would elect to do more internships and/or work part-time during college as well as start their searches for full-time jobs while still in college. Finally, they would take more classes to prepare them for careers. Their advice suggests endorsement of a more deliberate approach to linking college courses and experiences to potential employment opportunities.

  As you try to support your son or daughter in forging a fulfilling career, it may be necessary to rethink the entire paradigm society has been using. Perhaps the whole idea of finding a dream job that will provide fulfillment is outmoded. Maybe the new paradigm will involve creating that dream job. There is ample, mounting evidence that corporations and big business will not hold the same promise for new generations that they held for previous ones. The promise of tomorrow may lie, instead, with becoming entrepreneurial. Individuals in all professions may soon need to become more entrepreneurial in order to survive.

  With each passing year, more of the world provides the most abundant, best and least expensive goods and services. For instance, China and Japan manufacture much of the world’s electronics. India writes software and provides technical support. This trend is unlikely to change any time soon. This can be good news or bad news depending upon how one reacts to it. One can use the new economic climate to one’s advantage.