Bad Dad

by Sloane Howell

Janet was on the couch reading her Kindle. Her eyes peeked up over the top of it. “Going to pick up Logan?”

  I turned back to her. “Yeah. I want to surprise him.”

  “Going to see anyone else?” She waggled her eyebrows.

  “Just stop.”

  “Mmhmm. You went on a date with her. How’d that go?”

  “It wasn’t a date. Just making sure she knew to keep her eyes open with Logan back in her class.”

  “Whatever you say.” She smiled behind her Kindle.

  I couldn’t see it, but I knew she was. She loved every minute of this shit.

  “I’m serious.” I grabbed the door handle.

  “Logan likes her.” She sat the Kindle down, stood up, and strolled over. “I like her too.”

  “She can’t date parents.”

  “She tailed me home from school. Went to dinner with you. Seems she’s willing to break rules.” Janet gave me a nudge with her hip.

  “Don’t you have something more important to be doing?”

  “Oh no, Landon. I wouldn’t miss torturing you about this for the world.”

  My jaw tightened.

  “What? I don’t see the problem. She’s pretty. Seems to like you for some godforsaken reason. Logan’s in love with her.”

  “Not gonna happen. Nice try though.”

  I said the words and didn’t mean them. I knew it. Janet knew it. The whole universe seemed to know it.

  “We’ll see.”

  Those were the last two words I heard as I snuck out the door.

  LOGAN WAITED IN FRONT OF the school when I walked up. Cora stood behind him talking to another one of her students. My heart raced when she turned in my direction and our eyes locked. The last time I’d seen her I gave her the peck on the cheek. I could still taste her soft skin on my lips. Could still smell the berry lip gloss she wore. Fuck.

  “Dad!” Logan ran and jumped into my arms.

  I caught him mid-air and turned him upside down. He squealed.

  I had to have been smiling. I flipped him around so that he was upright and gave him a squeeze around his shoulders. “Have fun at school?”

  “Yes! Ms. Chapman is the best.”

  Every time I glanced over she’d look away and pretend to be doing something else. Interesting. I caught her staring at me out of the corner of her eye. She tried to hold back a grin. The smart thing to do would’ve been to leave. I had what I wanted. She said she’d keep an eye out. I believed her. But fuck if I hadn’t memorized her soft cheek on my lips, and the sound her throat made anytime I was near her. She was a magnet, pulling me apart from the inside every time I saw her face.

  I figured I might as well go over there and make her a little more nervous, considering the shit she was doing to me. Maybe she’d even stutter. Logan’s bag was over there so it’d be a perfect opportunity. I could practically feel her heart thump with each of my steps. She clutched a stack of papers to her chest and looked around, but there was nothing there to save her. Nowhere for her to go. That did something for me. Seeing her helpless.

  She whipped back around to Logan and me at the last second. “Oh, hey.” She looked down at her shoes.

  “Ms. Chapman.” I nodded.

  “Mr. Lane.” Her head slowly tilted and she looked up at me.

  I’d missed her eyes. Her light brown hair was curled again, and pulled back in a ponytail. Some primal urge in me wanted to grab hold of it. She wore jeans and a dark green top. I glanced down. Dark green Chucks with white laces. How many pairs of those did she own?

  “Can I help you with something?”

  “Grabbing his bag.” I sat Logan down and he picked up his backpack.

  She looked down at the bag, almost frantically, like there had to be a reason I’d walked over other than just wanting to be close to her. “Oh yeah. Right.”

  Her cheeks flushed.

  “I had a good time at dinner.” I said it a bit louder than I needed to.

  Her head shot around, checking for parents within earshot. She glared at me. I grinned. Leaned down by her ear. The same way I had the other night. “I want to see you again.”

  Her eyes fluttered closed for a brief second. “I can’t,” she whispered. “We shouldn’t.”

  I glanced down to her hand. Her fingers trembled against the stack of papers.

  I didn’t kiss her on the cheek this time. Didn’t want to get her into trouble. How I restrained, I wasn’t sure. The smell of her lip gloss. The way the tiny hairs on the back of her neck stood to attention. I looked up, and Principal Williams approached her from behind. It didn’t look good. Me leaning down in her ear, whispering. He had a scowl on his face, but when he saw me looking at him he darted in another direction.

  I shrugged and backed away. “Okay.”

  She glared at my reaction, surprised I wasn’t going to chase after her. Change her mind or demand another date.

  The wolf doesn’t chase, Cora.

  “You should come to the park with us on Saturday.” Logan bounced up and down like he had his finger stuck in an electrical outlet. I stared down at him and shook my head. Where did kids get energy like that?

  Cora put a hand on Logan’s shoulder. “Oh, that’s too sweet of you. I don’t want to take up any of your family time, though.”

  Logan’s head dropped. Cora’s face twisted like she thought she’d just ruined his entire life.

  “Come.” I stared at her. It wasn’t part of the plan. The plan was to walk away and leave her confused again. Leave her wanting more.

  Her eyes shot over to mine. She looked at me like I want to, but I can’t.

  “Please.” Logan drew out the vowels. The kid was relentless and hard to say no to.

  She shook her head. “Thanks so much for the invitation. But I have—”

  “See you there. Montgomery Park. Ten a.m.” I grabbed Logan and we walked away before she could tell us no. I glanced back once we’d walked about ten steps.

  She shook her head and chewed on her lip. I wondered how long it would be until I’d be biting it.

  LOGAN SQUEALED AS HE WENT down the slide. He loved Montgomery Park. We came here almost every Saturday. It was out in the open and most people went to the newer, more popular park in the middle of town. It made it a perfect place for us to hang out and for me to be able to see any possible threats from a mile away.

  “I usually sleep in on Saturdays.”

  I turned back, and Cora plodded through the grass, a cup of coffee in her hand.

  “I’m going to take Logan over to the monkey bars.” Janet gave me a quick wink and ran off with him.

  “Smooth.” Cora gestured with her coffee toward Janet and Logan. They were already out of earshot.

  I didn’t respond. God, she was beautiful, even when she’d just rolled out of bed.

  She walked up next to me. Steam rose out of her coffee cup and the scent landed in my nose. “Well, you got me out here.”

  I nodded. “Weather’s nice.”

  She examined me for a second like I was a strange insect. “It is nice, I guess. I really should get out of bed earlier.” She sniffed the air. “I love the way it smells here.”

  “Like home?” Watching her, I felt the chilly polar air and the smell of sulfur from the volcano. It was crazy how a smell or a feeling could send you back in time.

  She nodded. “I’ve always loved how clean it smells. The mountains. Land. Water.”

  “And the coffee?” I gestured toward her cup.

  She grinned and inhaled through her nose. “Montana air and coffee. My two favorite smells.”

  Logan and Janet chased each other around in the distance. Logan giggled. I kept quiet like I usually did and just watched. Let them have some alone time together. “I like watching them play.”

  “He’s a lucky kid. A lot of parents don’t care. It’s sad.”

  “That why you became a teacher?” I was opening up to her a little. It was a dangerous road and I wasn’t sure I could throw on the brake
s. I couldn’t get her out of my mind since the first day I saw her. I wanted to know everything about her.

  She relaxed a tiny bit at my question and took a sip of her coffee. It looked like it was still piping hot. More steam rose out of the vent on the lid. “Part of it.”

  “Maybe your students are the lucky ones. Some teachers don’t care either.” I stared out at the field. Looking at her was painful, because I knew I shouldn’t, even though I wanted to. I wanted her so damn bad, and yet the fear of the unknown kept everything pinned inside of me.

  “I guess that’s life, huh?” She looked up at me like she couldn’t believe I was having an actual conversation with multiple sentences.

  I had a hard time believing it too. Everything felt so natural with her. I needed to cut it off. Had to cut it off.

  “The smell. That why you came back?”

  She shrugged. “I guess. I don’t know. The mountains. Security.”

  I could relate to feeling insecure, wired differently, like I was from another planet.

  “What about you? Why are you here?”

  My guard was already lowered. I couldn’t let her in. Couldn’t do it. I needed to change the subject or divert her attention. “The smell.” I tried to hide a smile, but it somehow peeked through my deadpan delivery.

  She laughed and stared at me like what are we doing here?

  I wasn’t really sure myself. But her being there, with my family. It felt right.

  I shrugged. “It’s a really great smell.”

  She gave me a light punch on the shoulder. Her eyes widened after contact. “Are you carved out of stone?”

  I shrugged and switched my demeanor to serious. “I have to stay in shape. For my job.”

  “What do you do?”

  Finally, a question I could answer. Maybe it’d keep her away from prying into my past. “Sparring partner. MMA.”

  Her pulse sped up on her neck. “Really? That pays enough to live?”

  “It does if you don’t need much.”

  “So that’s what you do all day while Logan is at school? Get beat up by someone like Sam Wright?”

  I snickered. “You know Sam?”

  Her mouth dropped open.

  I shrugged.

  She looked like she was fumbling to find the right words. “Wait? You fight Sam Wright all day long? That’s actually your job?”

  What else could I say?

  “You never have black eyes or look hurt when you pick up Logan.”

  I rapped a knuckle against my temple. “Head gear.”

  She shook her head. “Yeah, but—how do you walk? I’ve seen what he does to people in fights.”

  “Guess I’m good at taking punches.” I didn’t know what else to tell her. She couldn’t know the whole truth.

  She kept looking off at Logan and then glancing back to me with a grin. Her grin was infectious. It crept into the darkest parts of me and blazed. My blood ran hot, and my skin prickled with anticipation.

  After the second glance I turned and looked at her. Tried not to think of what it’d be like with her naked underneath me. Tried not to think of what it’d be like to wake up to her face every morning. “What?”

  “Nothing. You’re just full of surprises.”

  She had no idea.

  We walked over and sat down on a bench. Logan looked like he wanted to run over to us a few times, but Janet kept snagging his attention like the master manipulator she was. Like one of her romance book plots was unfolding in front of her eyes and she was the narrator.

  Cora sat up straight and crossed one leg over her other thigh. I glanced at her legs. Wondered what it’d be like to spread them apart and explore every inch of her. She was settling in. Getting more comfortable around me. I needed to keep her on edge.

  I looked straight ahead and waited for her to take a drink. “You wanted a lot more than a peck on the cheek the other night.”

  She went into a coughing fit while her head quickly rotated around, like a parent might be lurking in the shadows. She held her cup of coffee out at me. Practically shook it at me. Something about how nervous it made her. It only made me want it more. Want her more.

  I grabbed it and put a hand on her back. I gave her a few pats.

  “You okay?”

  Her face shot to mine. It was beet-red. I couldn’t tell if it was anger or a result of her choking on the coffee.

  “Fine.” She gritted her teeth, not quite in a serious way, then looked around and tried not to grin. “You say things out of the blue sometimes.” She snatched her coffee back from me.

  “I didn’t lie.” I shrugged and stared off at Logan and Janet. I looked around at the tree line in the distance, the mountains beyond. I listened to the birds chirping, and heard the cars roaming the road behind us. I sniffed in some of the Montana air Cora loved. There really was something to it. Like walking through a forest or garden. More oxygen, maybe? Every time she spoke or looked at me, my senses became sharper, keener.

  “It’s left me confused for a few days. I’m sure you knew that already. Maybe it was the point of you doing it.”

  She was phishing for an explanation. I didn’t say anything, but I loved how adept she was. It made her even more of a forbidden challenge.

  She sat there and stared at me while I contemplated everything. “You think a lot, don’t you?”

  I nodded.

  “Well, what are you thinking about?”

  “You ever want something that’s just beyond your grasp?”

  She looked at me for a while. Studied me.

  There was something between us right there. It was an unspoken understanding. Didn’t need to be said aloud to get it. I could see it in her eyes. She related to exactly what I felt.

  “I don’t know.”

  Yes she did.

  A few moments passed while I figured out how I wanted to respond. I’d already said way more than I should’ve, and I wanted to say way more than I did. A few words could reach a lot of people. People liked to talk. I didn’t.

  “What else is on your mind?” Her eyes flicked up to mine.

  I stared out at the field. “Logan.”

  “He’s a great kid.” She stood up.

  She started to walk out toward Logan and Janet. He was doing somersaults on the ground and Janet was cheering him on. I watched Cora from behind, in her Levi’s and Chucks. Her ass, the way she carried herself, her bouncing ponytail—Jesus.

  I stared up at the sky and then back at her. Didn’t know what to do. Logan loved her. Janet loved her. She was practically all I thought about, even though I had a million other important things I should’ve been focused on. Cora Chapman dominated the airwaves. It was dangerous and exciting.

  Can you stay away from her?

  I hopped up from the bench and closed in on Cora with a few giant strides. I grabbed her by the wrist.

  She froze in her tracks and slowly turned to face me. I couldn’t say anything. My body had just reacted, like she was running away from me and I couldn’t let her.

  She stared down at my hand, and then back to my eyes, like she interpreted the unspoken parts of our entire morning conversation by my single gesture. Her shoulders rose toward her ears and then fell. “Maybe we should stick to being friends.”

  Her words were vinegar in my mouth. I let go of her wrist and her hand dropped to her side. She walked over and tossed her cup of coffee in the trash, and then trotted out to play.

  I sat there and watched her interact with my family. It was like she’d been a part of us for years. It all just worked together. What had I just done? Friends was the smart play. The rational move in the chess game of life. It was completely unsatisfying. I wanted more than to be her friend. I wanted to tell her everything. I wanted to feed her, protect her, never let her out of my sight. I wanted her beneath me while I claimed her. All of it boiled inside of me. It angered me that she could make me feel this way and tug on my heart the way she did. That she could make my cock hard just by walk
ing into a room. That she could make me want to fist her hair and kiss the air out of her lungs just by standing next to me.

  I took a deep breath and looked away. Anything that gave me some kind of relief from her intensity. The sun was blocked momentarily by a few cirrus clouds that cast dancing shadows along the grass, before it reappeared and turned my face warm once more. The air was chilly, but if the sun hit you just right in Montana it’d heat you up. Maybe that’s why I liked it here. Not an arctic volcano, but as close as you could get in the states. Maybe it reminded me of Cora, the way I ran so hot and cold around her. I couldn’t drag her into my shit. It would be unfair and dangerous. It would be selfish and irresponsible of me. I had zero self-control around her.

  Logan laughed out in the field and brought me out of my thoughts. He hadn’t laughed this much in a while. His face was pink with excitement and he ran around, giggling. I could get used to the sound.

  You could get used to Cora too. But you shouldn’t.

  LOGAN INVITED CORA OVER FOR lunch. She tried to get out of it but there was no way she could tell him no. He knew it. Everyone knew it. She’d learn. The kid was a saint, but it didn’t mean he didn’t use his powers mischievously on occasion.

  We sat down at the table. I gripped the chair just looking at Cora. I was a parent. It was my job to get my shit together and control myself for Logan.

  “The Janet Special.” I glanced to Janet.

  She flipped me the bird where nobody else could see and dropped a big pot of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese in the middle of a trivet.

  “Don’t listen to him. He’s just mad that I make it better.”

  I flashed her a skeptical smirk. “Do not.”

  “She does make it better, Dad.”

  Janet gave Logan a high five. Cora laughed, but bit her lip again when she looked over at me. My jaw clenched every time she did it. I’d never felt this way around a woman.

  We sat around and ate. The carbs were heaven. I forced myself to think about the science behind it, just to push Cora out of my mind for a minute. A huge onset of carbs releases the neurotransmitter serotonin. They give you a momentary jolt of happiness. It’s why people crave them during bouts of depression. All biology.