Fireblossom

by Wright, Cynthia

  Watching with satisfaction as his friend began to smoke, Kills Hungry Bear couldn't resist murmuring, "Listen to the voice within. If a man is to do something more than human, he must have more than human power...."

  * * *

  It wasn't simple, but Fox struggled onward. Kills Hungry Bear counseled his friend to pray for a dream that would lead him to freedom. Perhaps it would be necessary to pray and fast for several days. Although Fox responded to that suggestion with a skeptical glance, it appealed to a part of him—the part, nurtured over the years by Annie Sunday, that viewed suffering as a way to atone for his sins. The adult man preferred to regard the coming hours as an opportunity to wrestle with the events that had caused him so much guilt, a chance to discover a way to make peace with himself. Couldn't there be a logical solution? For all his admiration for the Lakota culture, there were some beliefs that he just couldn't swallow. The notion that dreams took one into the "real world," for instance, seemed as farfetched as the idea that the three-quarter moon that hung in the sky that night had assumed that shape "because someone took a bite out of it!" as one of the Lakota men had cheerfully remarked.

  Tonight, sitting alone under this three-quarter moon on the other side of Bear Butte, Fox found his thoughts careening down a familiar blind alley. I don't belong in either world. I've been too well educated in the white world to adapt to the Lakotas, and I've been too enlightened by the Indians to respect my own race. He rubbed his temples. This was ground he'd covered countless times, and each attempt to conquer the maze only increased his frustration. Perhaps it was time to try Kills Hungry Bear's method.

  What did he have to lose?

  At the edge of the stream, Fox stripped off his clothes, folded them, and waded out into the nearly still water, glimmering silver and black in the starlight.

  I'm scared, he thought, and the realization gave him some relief. Scared of what? Myself? Maybe. The truth? Time to get some real courage. Spirit courage, not that posturing and recklessness stupid men call courage.

  Fox took a deep breath and sank into the water, acutely conscious of each sensation as the liquid, cool and pure as night, rippled outward from his body. He stretched out on his back, fighting the urge to tense up, gradually relaxing. At length the upper part of his body floated above the surface of the water. Toes, knees, hipbones, penis, sculpted belly and chest, chin, nose, and forehead all floated. Fox saw himself becoming lighter and lighter until even unlikely places, like his ankles, shins, elbows, throat, and temples, floated. His thick hair swirled gently behind his head, caressing his nape and shoulders when he tilted his neck back a bit.

  The more he relaxed, the more magical he felt. He lay thus, floating on the stream, floating into himself, for an immeasurable portion of time. He told himself to stop fighting. Eventually the urge and even the thought of struggling left him. When at last he opened his eyes, he looked up through a frame of lacy black cottonwood leaves to view the sky. The profusion of white stars, sizzling across the heavens, was wondrous. It was as if he beheld a miracle, performed tonight for the first time. A tear trickled down Fox's cheek and melted into the cool water.

  It came to him then. He could almost see the hand reaching down toward him. All he had to do was accept it. He thought of Annie Sunday, who was always so certain about life and God. Sometimes, as a young adult, her unwavering certainty about what was right annoyed him, but he had to admit that her ideas made sense and her own life seemed to bear out her wisdom.

  God will never desert you, she would say, even when you believe you don't need help from anyone. But come the day your back's against the wall, grace will intervene. You just have to humble yourself. When you get there, you'll know it, and then you'll really be a man.

  Funny... Kills Hungry Bear had said almost the same thing. Perhaps Annie Sunday and Crazy Horse reached the same destination when they prayed....

  A wave of sheer, joyous peace rolled soothingly through Fox's body. Closing his eyes, he slowly lifted one hand to the starry sky. He continued to float. In a clear internal voice he prayed, Direct me toward the answers that will bring me peace. Please lift me with Your strength.

  As if pulled by an unseen hand, Fox came out of the water. With a calm sense of purpose, he dressed and began the long walk back to the village.

  * * *

  "You are changed," Kills Hungry Bear said approvingly. "It is good." Then, holding back the flap opening the tipi where he was staying, he pronounced the traditional Lakota welcome: "Hohane, Fox-With-Blue-Eyes."

  Entering, Fox saw that Kills Hungry Bear's woman and dog slept together on one side of the tipi. The fire looked fresh; it appeared that Kills Hungry Bear had not slept, preferring instead to wait in case his friend returned to the village in search of him.

  "I am glad to find you awake," Fox said.

  "I could not close my eyes at such a time. Come. Let us sit and smoke. Then I have something to give you that I made tonight." He led the way to the back of the tipi, took the host's seat, and gestured to Fox to sit on his right, facing east. "I hope that you will tell me then what has happened. I can see in your eyes that the story of your adventure will be important."

  Fox's grin flashed in the amber light of the tipi. He was eager to share everything with Kills Hungry Bear, but his sense of peace gave him patience. They smoked together for a long time; neither felt sleepy. Then Kills Hungry Bear laid the pipe aside and reached behind his bed for one of the soft buckskin bags that held his possessions. From it he plucked a narrow necklace.

  Holding it out to Fox, he said proudly, "I wanted to give you a present that I made for you, in honor of our brotherhood and the journey you have taken this night under the moon." The necklace was just long enough to encircle Fox's neck, and it consisted of tiny blue beads with a thin, sharp tooth marking the halfway point. "I searched and traded here in the village until I gathered enough beads of this color. This seems close to the color of your eyes. And this"—Kills Hungry Bear pointed to the tooth in the center—"is the tooth of a fox! I have been saving it for a long time, thinking of you whenever I took it out of the little pouch where I keep special things."

  Fox was very moved. He looked into the dark eyes of his friend and said in a tone weighted with meaning, "I will wear this gift always. I am very grateful." He held the beads in his hand for a minute, admiring the care and thought that had gone into Kills Hungry Bear's present. He saw that the beads and the polished tooth had been strung on a narrow strand of buffalo sinew. There were inches of plain sinew at each end and he lifted those and tied them together at the back of his neck. "A perfect fit."

  "Yes!" Kills Hungry Bear searched in his bag and produced a mirror, acquired long ago in trading with white men.

  Fox stared at his reflection. The tooth nestled in the hollow of his throat and the blue beads did indeed echo and accentuate the color of his eyes. It was more than an attractive gift; it was symbolic and would enable him to carry a mark of his Lakota experience with him into the white world. "I am very fortunate to count you as a friend, Kills Hungry Bear."

  "I hope that you will share your story with me, but only a part of it. Some things cannot be explained. Those feelings belong to you alone." He lit the pipe again and drew on it as they both reclined against the pillows behind them.

  "The Great Spirit has taken the shadow from my heart," Fox said. As he spoke the words, he felt lighter still. "I knew the things that you said to me at dawn. I remember hearing the same wisdom from my own mother. What came to me tonight to lift the weight from me was the understanding that I must find my own meaning of right and wrong. I must listen to the voice in my own soul, follow it, and not waver." He accepted the pipe, smoked for a moment, then added, "This has been difficult for me because of my ties to my own race's culture and the bonds I also have to the Lakota people."

  "Ah." Kills Hungry Bear nodded as comprehension dawned. "You have felt caught between these separate loyalties?"

  "More than you know." Fox's eyes bega
n to burn. "Caught to the point of feeling unbearable pain and guilt no matter which way I turned. Tonight, though, when I opened myself and asked God for guidance, I saw that I do not have to choose. I can do what I feel is right in my own heart."

  "I believe this, too," Kills Hungry Bear replied seriously. "It is not you who is wrong because your loyalties are confused, it is fate! You love your race, but some of the things other whites do make you angry. How hard this must be for you, my friend!"

  "I've tortured myself long enough trying to make sense out of a world I didn't make. I cannot subscribe completely to either side, so I must carve out my own road." He paused. "I realize, too, that it is fruitless to brood over the past. I followed my conscience, unable to see what lay ahead, and because of the actions of others I have spent untold hours regretting my own part in the matter."

  "You have found wisdom tonight. Did you see something when this dream came to you?"

  Fox knew that Indian men treasured the visions that accompanied their dream-journeys. "Yes... I saw stars. Powerful stars."

  Delighted, Kills Hungry Bear exclaimed, "This is an important day, my friend! I think that you should have a new Lakota name to mark the dream that has changed you. When you came among us before, we named you like we are named as children—for the way you looked. But when Lakota boys make the dreams that carry them into manhood, they take new names."

  "Crazy Horse was Curly as a boy, wasn't he?"

  He nodded emphatically. "I think you shall have a new name, too. You shall be Star Dreamer."

  Fox felt a jolt of pleasure. "I like that very much. I would be proud to have such a name." Then he felt the old, familiar pang of his torment deep within him as he remembered a certain day in late June. He knew now that it was time to reveal his guilty secret, to unburden himself.

  "Star Dreamer," Kills Hungry Bear murmured in a satisfied tone. He smoked a bit, smiling, then repeated, "Star Dreamer! It is a fine name. Tomorrow we will feast and dance to celebrate the new beginning for Star Dreamer and the end of the worries you have been carrying."

  "Wait." Fox held up his hand as Kills Hungry Bear tried to pass him the pipe. "There is more. I must tell you a secret. I only hope that when you hear it, you will not kill me."

  "Never!" his friend scoffed.

  "I..." Fox took a deep, burning breath and started again. "On the day when the Lakota and Cheyenne fought Long Hair and his bluecoats on the banks of the Greasy Grass River..."

  Kills Hungry Bear scowled. "Yes? What about it?"

  "I was there, too. I rode with Custer!"

  Chapter 20

  August 9, 1876

  "You are making a jest!" Kills Hungry Bear shouted, then lowered his voice when his woman stirred and opened her eyes. "I must tell you that I do not laugh about this."

  "It's not a joke; it's the truth." Fox suddenly felt incredibly tired.

  "Do you forget that I was there as well?" the other man hissed angrily. "If you were with Long Hair, you would not need to worry that I would kill you tonight because you would have died with Long Hair. The bluecoats shamed themselves, begging for mercy, but we killed every man! We made certain they were dead."

  The flat tone of Kills Hungry Bear's voice sent a shiver down Fox's spine. The hideous tales of mutilations performed by the Indians on the dead soldiers rose up unbidden in his memory. His mouth was dry when he spoke again. "That day has been the main reason for the shadow in my heart. I should explain... that I was only riding with the Seventh Cavalry because President Grant—the Great White Father—asked me to go, to watch Long Hair, because he didn't trust him. I went because I thought I might be able to talk sense to Custer..." Fox flicked up a brow as he spoke. "Well, I was idealistic and stupid. My discussions with him led only to arguments. You can't imagine how I felt when it became clear that Custer was going to go ahead and lead the cavalry into battle against your people."

  Kills Hungry Bear continued to scowl. "I am listening. Be quick."

  "When Custer and I quarreled for the last time, not long before the attack began, he became so angry at me that he ordered me to leave. I was a constant source of aggravation to him. And I admit that, in spite of my opinion of the situation, riding away made me feel awful." Fox had been speaking in a harsh, almost angry tone, but now his voice was choked with emotion. "I had been a hero in America's war to free the Negro slaves—a warrior for my people—so to ride away that day before a battle was hard. I felt uneasy. I traveled to Deadwood, weeks passed, and then I heard that every single one of those men who followed Custer had been killed. The guilt began to eat me alive. I blamed myself for not finding the right words to convince Custer not to attack." Fox paused. "I have never agreed with any of my country's policies regarding the Indians, and I felt even more so about that battle. I'd met Crazy Horse. I knew there might be friends of mine fighting beside him... and I thought that your cause was just..."He rubbed his eyes again. "I'm exhausted. Talking in circles."

  Slowly the furrow relaxed in Kills Hungry Bear's brow. He sighed. "It took great courage for you to tell me this story, Star Dreamer."

  "I had to," Fox said plainly.

  "Yes. I understand now. You have truly been torn apart in spirit, but now the mending is begun. I thank you for leaving the bluecoats that day." A grim smile flickered over his lips. "I would have been very sorry to kill you."

  "I would have been sorry to die... but the guilt has almost been worse. If only I could go back and change the words I spoke to Custer. I should not have allowed myself to become so angry—"

  "But you cannot go back; none of us can! My friend, you did what you could to change the outcome," Kills Hungry Bear argued. "Isn't that what your dream taught you—that a true human being charts his own course rather than follow a misguided flock? You whites have no war council, where all the warriors can speak about the coming battle. Long Hair listened to no one, and his men had no choice but to obey. There is no wouncage, no tribal consciousness, for the bluecoats. I pity them!" He waved a hand as if to indicate that enough time had been wasted on this conversation. "I do not think that anything you could have said would have changed Long Hair's mind, do you? And if you had not ridden away from the Greasy Grass River, but joined the bluecoats in battle instead, the story would be the same—except that one more white would be dead. You!"

  "That's a good point," Fox said dryly. "And, of course, I wouldn't really change my decision that day. That's what I healed tonight when I understood that I could not change what the army did." He leaned forward. "What I am doing now is releasing the secret. Has it changed your respect for me?"

  Kills Hungry Bear shrugged and rolled his eyes. "No... but I do not think you should 'release the secret' too freely in this village. There are angry warriors here who would not care for the idea of sheltering a survivor from the battle with Long Hair here in Crazy Horse's own camp!"

  They shared a smile over the irony of the situation. "You speak wisdom as usual, my friend," Fox said. "I thank you for your care, your words, the beads, and my splendid new name. But now... I find that I am so, so tired..."

  Kills Hungry Bear watched with affection as Star Dreamer yawned and put his head back to rest. He mumbled some words about leaving, then slumber overtook him and he began to snore.

  * * *

  Fox was still slightly blinded by the midday sunshine as he headed toward the place where the stream wound nearest the village. There, in the shade of the cottonwoods and enjoying a fine cushion of grass, the women did the work that occupied them most of their waking hours. Later, when the sun blazed hotter and the women and children had taken baths in the stream, the village would rest. Not yet, though.

  Fox stood a short distance from the busy scene and looked for Maddie's distinctive gown. Most of the Lakota women were refining hides that had already been scraped clean by rubbing them with sandstones to make them softer, and softer still. Another group filled pale skins with fresh water from the stream, wading in partway. Finally Fox's eyes fell on a
circle that included a few women and many children. In the middle was a big carved bowl full of strawberries. A young boy was pouring what appeared to be sugar from a coarse bag over the berries. Squeals of pleasure nearly drowned out the voices of all the women, who conversed contentedly as they worked.

  "Star Dreamer."

  Fox pivoted in surprise and saw the girl who was Kills Hungry Bear's companion in the absence of his wife. What was she called? He realized he didn't know. How had she learned of this new name of his, a name that was only a few hours old? Fox felt uncertain, so he merely smiled and greeted her deferentially.

  "You do not know me," she said, her nostrils flaring a bit. "I am called Runs Away. Are you looking for your woman, the one with the fire hair?"

  "I am glad to know you, Runs Away," Fox replied as he tried to decide if she liked him, and if not, why.

  "I will take you to Fireblossom, but first I hope that you will tell me... why you say to Kills Hungry Bear that he should not marry me."

  Taken aback, he blinked. "I have not said this to him, Runs Away." Fox saw by the way she set her mouth that she didn't believe him so he added softly, "I give you my word. But you know that Kills Hungry Bear already has a wife, don't you? You know that his family waits for him at the agency?"

  Her eyes flashed like a midnight storm. "There is room in his tipi for more than one wife. I am not afraid of fighting!"

  Fox glanced over her and reflected, in the detached yet carnal way of males, that Runs Away was undoubtedly a wildcat in bed. She wasn't kind or gentle, but no doubt she offered Kills Hungry Bear something that his beloved Little Dove did not. The only problem was that Runs Away wouldn't be happy about being scorned. Fox said, "I can assure you that Kills Hungry Bear has not sought my advice about this."

  "He would listen to you," she said pointedly.

  Squinting as a ray of sun emerged between the leaves overhead, Fox replied with a touch of impatience, "I would not interfere. I am sorry. Now, if you will take me to Fireblossom..."