Leaning Into Touch (Leaning Into Series Book 4)

by Lane Hayes

  “Gardening?”

  “Yep. It’s methodical and sometimes boring, but I’m more patient now than I once was. I know good things come to those who wait.”

  I stared at the tiny green tomato and wrapped my arms around myself when the wind whistled through the small yard. “Are we talking in veggie metaphors now? Be patient and the forces of the universe might eventually line up the right way?”

  Dad chuckled. “Maybe I am. Or maybe I’m showing you a tomato. This makes me happy now…this silly plant, that house and the man I love. But I don’t know that I would have appreciated what I have now if I hadn’t gone through every experience that led me here. Many things in life didn’t go my way, but many more did. Everyone has their own road to travel, Josh. We cross paths at different times and touch other lives in ways we can’t comprehend. But we have to do it on our own.”

  “I don’t want to be alone,” I said in a small voice.

  “You’re not alone. Not really. You have a lot of love in your life. Appreciate what you have and try to understand that not everyone is as strong as you are. Even the ones you think can move mountains have their moments of doubt.”

  “So no regrets? I mean…you don’t feel cheated?”

  “Not a chance. I have a beautiful family, a wonderful partner, a slew of tomato plants to care for, a giant jar of M&Ms in my kitchen and it’s football season. What could possibly be wrong with this life?”

  I let out a half laugh. “Nothing at all.”

  “That’s the spirit.” He patted my shoulder companionably and started for the house. “Let’s watch the game and—”

  “Dad, hang on. I—thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. I didn’t really do anything though.”

  “I meant…thanks for sticking it out. Thanks for being there for me. I know it probably wasn’t easy but I want you to know I’m grateful you’re my dad.”

  His answering grin was bright and beautiful. “And I’m grateful you’re my son. I love you, Josh. You’re a good man and I have a feeling Finn knows it. Give him time. If he’s as smart as I think he is, he won’t let you go.”

  My friends rallied around me the rest of that weekend. We sailed, we went bowling, played darts, watched football, and drank a ton of beer. Nothing was weird between Eric and Nick and me. Eric wouldn’t allow it. He hugged me, handed me a drink, and ushered me onto the boat. No questions asked, no answers expected.

  By Monday, I was doing better. Sort of.

  After leaving numerous texts over the weekend begging me to pick up my phone, Finn left a final message to let me know he was heading back to Chicago and would talk to me the following weekend. A grown-up probably would have answered his cell, but I wasn’t quite prepared for the cringe-worthy final good-bye coming my way. The kind where you pick up your things from your lover’s house and shuffle away with a heavy heart and a bag full of shit you never want to see again. The thought alone made me ill.

  I did my best to keep my head down and focus on work. This was my last week at Kostas Realty, and I owed it to them not to be a complete drip. Besides, Talia was already on my case. She started bringing food every day. Grant told me she was worried about me and food was her way of looking after me. He assured me it was a Greek thing and instructed me to bring home whatever I didn’t eat because Talia was by far the best cook in his family besides his mother.

  She set a tub of hummus and a package of pita bread on the corner of my desk Thursday at noon. “Eat up, Josh. You’re already too skinny and you aren’t losing more weight on my watch.”

  “Thanks, Talia, but I—” My eyes widened a moment later when my phone rang and Katy Perry’s “Roar” blasted at the highest volume. I fumbled to fish it from my pocket just as it went to voicemail, cursing Zane under my breath for fucking with my cell again.

  Talia raised her brow. “I approve. Things are looking up already.”

  I pushed Call on the missed number, thinking I might as well get this over with.

  “Hello?”

  “Hi, Dante, it’s Josh.”

  “Hey there. I just left you a long-winded message. The gist is I need to know your official start date so I can arrange to have you trained to—”

  “Dante. I can’t accept the job. Thank you for the offer, but I’ve decided to go a different route.”

  “Oh. Okay. Darn. I—huh. I just talked to Finn. He didn’t mention a word. I was more concerned about Scarlet though so—”

  “Scarlet,” I repeated in a dull tone. I didn’t want to know anything more, but my mouth was already moving. “Is she okay?”

  “Yes, but she’s preggo sick. There’s nothing much anyone can do besides check in on her.”

  “So you know Scarlet pretty well,” I prodded.

  “Scar and I go way back. I was her ‘plus one’ BF. That’s ‘before Finn.’ I wish you well, Josh. If you—”

  “Wait. Why did you stop being her…date, escort, or whatever you want to call it?” I shoved my hand through my hair in agitation. I shouldn’t have been asking Dante Crowder probing questions about Finn or Scarlet. It was so…high school. I was about to apologize but he beat me to it.

  “I came out.”

  “Of the closet?”

  Dante’s bark of laughter startled me. “Yes. The closet. I pushed my boring polo shirts to the deepest, darkest corner and replaced them with delicious silken button-downs in every color of the rainbow. I’m in the art biz so trust me, no one gave a crap if I was gay, but it took me a while to accept it myself. Better late than never. It’s hell worrying about what everyone else is thinking. I’m hoping Scar and Finn get there too one day. Ciao, Josh. Good luck to you. If you change your mind, I’d love to have you here.”

  Dante disconnected the call before I had a chance to respond. I stared into space for a moment, lost in thought. I told myself to leave it alone. This wasn’t my battle and it wasn’t my business.

  But the longer I sat there, the more the niggling curiosity grew to an itchy feeling I couldn’t ignore. I pushed Send and called him back.

  Golden Gate Park was one of my favorite places in the city. It was an oasis in the middle of a metropolis with something for everyone. Biking trails, picnic grounds, a picturesque waterfall, a carousel, art and science museums, and expansive botanical gardens. On a gorgeous day in early September, most people gravitated to the open green spaces so I supposed meeting at a park bench in the Shakespeare Garden was a pleasant choice. I shot one last longing glance toward the de Young Museum before making my way along the path. I adjusted my sunglasses as the colonnade structure came into view. The place was crawling with people. Some lounged on the steps under the massive pillars and others hung out at the small tables along the perimeter.

  I scanned the crowd twice before spotting the elegant woman with movie star-style cat-eyed sunglasses dressed in blue sitting on a park bench. I tightened my hold on the bag in my hand then headed toward her.

  “Scarlet?”

  She glanced up and gave me a weak smile. “Yes. Hello, Josh.”

  “Hi. I thought I might make it here first. Finn said you’re always late.” It was a lame-ass attempt at breaking the ice, but it was the best I could manage under the circumstances.

  “Ha. Well, I’m trying to reform my ways now that I have a little person to think of. I’m glad to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

  “Same here.” I sat on the opposite end of the bench then handed over the bag. “This is for you. I heard you haven’t been feeling well and it’s—my mom said ginger ale helps.”

  Her tepid smile was replaced by something infinitely more beautiful. She positively glowed as she reached for the bag and peeked inside.

  “Thank you. That was very kind of you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  She tucked the bag next to her pink designer purse then turned to face me. “I was surprised to hear from you.”

  “I bet.” I raked my right hand through my hair and tried to remember the
speech I’d practiced all morning.

  I’d hoped to infuse some humor into this encounter so it wouldn’t be completely awkward. But now that I was here, I felt like a fool. Truthfully, Scarlet intimidated me. She was gorgeous. There was an artistic element in the contrast of her long blonde hair against her royal blue shirt. She radiated style, sophistication, and money while I did my best in worn-out Levis, an old Led Zeppelin tee, and a pair of scuffed-up Converse. In short, she was my polar opposite. I had to wonder what Finn ever saw in me. It didn’t matter that Scarlet and he weren’t lovers. He was obviously attracted to her brand of elegance and that just wasn’t me.

  “What can I do for you?” she asked sweetly. “I’m guessing this has something to do with Finn.”

  “Yeah. I won’t take up much of your time. I—okay, here goes…I’m overstepping all kinds of lines right now, but I have to get this off my chest.” I took a deep breath and then blurted, “Finn’s a great guy and I know he’ll be an amazing dad. Don’t let him off the hook.”

  “O-kay.” Her perfect brow puckered with a confused frown.

  “Don’t think he doesn’t care. He wants this so bad he can’t see straight. He thinks he doesn’t deserve this chance but he does. Please give it to him. Please help him. I can’t do it, but I think you can.”

  She stared at me with her lips parted in shock. She was either going to blast me for having the audacity to tell her what to do or ask me if I was on something. I kicked at an errant rock near my feet as I waited for judgment.

  Scarlet slipped her sunglasses from her dainty nose and cocked her head. “You love him,” she stated.

  “Yes.” I licked my lips and then bit them nervously. “This isn’t about me, though. He’s a big boy and he’ll do what he wants or thinks is necessary when it comes to his work. But he doesn’t do the same in his personal life. Maybe I’m not the guy for him. Maybe our timing is off, but…it’s different with kids. I’m not a parent, but I’ve been extraordinarily lucky to have an incredible mom and dad who love my sisters and me unconditionally in spite of the fact that they were never going to make it as a couple.

  “My dad is gay. He came out recently and…well, he’s an amazing guy. And he told me the second he knew he was going to be a parent, his world changed. Life gained perspective and new meaning. He said you learn to look through someone else’s eyes for the first time and feel everything they do. To be vulnerable but somehow stronger than ever.”

  “He sounds like a wise man,” she commented.

  “He is. He’s a great man and great dad and…the only other man I know who comes close is Finn. He has so much to offer.”

  “I agree.”

  “Good, I—” I took a deep breath and looked away for a moment before taking my glasses off, leaving myself exposed. “I think loving someone before you meet them, know them, touch them…it’s a miracle. And something tells me it’s the miracle Finn needs. That’s all.”

  “We all need miracles every once in a while,” Scarlet said with a small smile. “But babies don’t solve problems.”

  “I’m not suggesting your kid has any superpower, but—”

  “Excuse me? My kid is Wonder Woman…or Superman. I’m already at this child’s beck and call. I eat, sleep and even puke at a moment’s notice at his or her whim. I’m changed forever,” she joked, rolling her eyes theatrically.

  I chuckled at her attempt to lighten the mood. “Ah, the ultimate power. You’re going to have your hands full.”

  “Yes, but I’m not doing this alone. I have a partner I love, I have friends and family, and I have Finn. I’m not letting him off the hook, so to speak.”

  “Are you still going to ask him to be your beard? Because if you do he—”

  “No. I won’t hide behind him anymore. I have to teach my child to stand up and be proud. And I can only do that if I lead by example. I hope Finn will do the same, but that’s up to him. Finn will give anyone he loves the shirt off his back. Or his sperm to make a kid he isn’t sure he wants.” She laughed, pointing to her flat stomach. “But he won’t take because taking implies reciprocal connectivity and that’s fucking scary.”

  “Yes. It is,” I whispered.

  “I love my friend. He’s a wonderful man with a bigger heart than he lets anyone see. I promise I won’t give up on him, but I hope you won’t either.”

  I nodded, letting the silence communicate whatever she wanted. I was a choked up, emotional mess. I couldn’t explain that I couldn’t follow him and hope he’d realize one day he loved me too. Scarlet was as lovely as Finn claimed she was and with her motherly glow, she exuded a kindness that made me want to curl up next to her and cry on her shoulder about how fucking unfair life was.

  I had to go. I’d said what I needed to say. As long as he was given his chance, I knew some day he’d be okay. Maybe I’d run into him in the park sometime in the future with his son or daughter. I would watch him like a voyeur, pushing a stroller or lined up at the ice cream truck with a bouncing kid, excitedly yelling his or her favorite flavors. The vision was sweet, but it pierced my heart like a knife. I wanted a slice of that too. And I hated knowing it might never be mine.

  The fog rolled over the city the following afternoon. Wispy tendrils snaked along the waterfront and up the streets, cloaking the buildings in a thick blanket and effectively blocking the sun. The temperature had dropped at least fifteen degrees by the time I hopped off the bus and hurried through the Castro toward home. I’d spent most of my Sunday with Dad and Lars, sipping mimosas at a waterfront restaurant in the Embarcadero. They were heading off to San Leandro to meet up with my mother and go over plans Lars had drawn up to help her with the renovation she was suddenly excited to do. I didn’t understand their dynamic, but I liked it. Dad and Lars were great together, and I loved that Mom had found a way to be part of their lives. I didn’t worry about any of them the way I did a few months ago. I could transfer all that excess concern elsewhere. Like to myself, I mused with a huff as I wrapped my arms around myself to ward off the chill.

  Normally, I’d take my time to soak in the welcoming ambience from the rainbow-hued crosswalks to the giant rainbow flag on the corner and the smaller ones on almost every storefront. Not today. I kept my head down as I fished my key from my pocket and speed-walked up the path, taking the steps two at a time. I came to an abrupt stop when I noticed the figure sitting on the top step.

  My heart was already pounding from my vigorous walk, but it went into instant overdrive at the sight of him. His hair fell into his eyes when he looked at me. He was so damn gorgeous. But I couldn’t help noticing he seemed unsure of his welcome. I hung on to the railing to steady myself and licked my bottom lip.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Waiting for you.” Finn stood slowly and gave me a tentative smile.

  “I’m here,” I said lamely.

  “So you are. I brought you something.”

  I looked down at the small wrapped canvas in his hand then at him. “Um, thanks.”

  “Will you let me in?”

  Oh. Right. I moved to his side to unlock the door, aware of my trembling fingers and suddenly dry mouth. He smelled amazing and just standing next to him made me dizzy. My anxiety went through the roof when I realized he seemed equally skittish. That could only mean one thing. This was it. He’d come to say good-bye for good. And he even brought a parting gift.

  I pushed open the door and gave him a weak upward curl of the lips before heading down the hall to the great room. My positive vibes from my afternoon with Dad and Lars dissipated. The mood swing was epic by anyone’s standards. It overwhelmed me to a near speechless state. I skirted the island and made a beeline to the coffee machine. I was cold and fuck knew I needed to keep myself busy.

  Finn leaned against the counter and crossed his arms. I noted the way he worried his bottom lip as he fixated on my hands.

  “How are you?” His beautiful lilting voice made me weak in the knees. It struck me as ironic t
hat eight days ago I’d been dancing around his kitchen making a freaking mess and now we were back in mine where I’d no doubt make another one.

  “I’m fine,” I lied. “How was Chicago?”

  I set two mugs on the island and then looked at him expectantly when he didn’t answer.

  “All right.” He glanced out the window and raked his hand through his hair. “I didn’t stay long.”

  “Oh. Have you been here?” I didn’t know why I asked. If he said yes, I’d be crushed. Then again, if the dagger was coming for me anyway, I might as well get through the first cut.

  “No. I went home. To Ireland,” he added.

  I frowned. “Is everything okay?”

  “No,” he replied with a humorless half chuckle. “Nothing is okay.”

  I poured coffee into the mugs and pushed one toward him. Then I picked mine up and cradled it between my hands, letting the warmth seep inside me and hopefully calm my frayed nerves. He seemed to be looking for me to guide us but I was equally lost. On the other hand, we couldn’t stand here sipping coffee and staring at each other all night.

  “What happened, Finn?”

  “I came out. Officially, that is. I figured it was something best done in person. I got off the plane in Chicago and hopped the next flight to Dublin.”

  “Why?”

  “I couldn’t stop thinking about what you said.”

  “I said a lot of things,” I said softly.

  “You did. It was the part about guilt and shame that got me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “No, you aren’t. And you shouldn’t be. You know, before you came along, I thought I was doing okay. I thought I had it all worked out. I kept my private life separate from my outside life and I told myself I didn’t care what anyone thought. But what did I really have to worry about? I knew full well I could lean on Scarlet if I needed an alibi. I could be the ultimate chameleon. Or liar. I’ve lived a lie for so long it’s hard to remember what the truth is and…I can’t keep it up.” He let out a pained sigh and shook his head. “So, I decided to go back to the place where I should have been honest from the start. I planned my speech on the flight then unceremoniously blabbed my news to my sister and my father over tea. It went something like, ‘Pass a biscuit, please and hang on to your hats. I’ve got something wild to tell you.’ I told them the truth about Scarlet, the baby…and you.”