“River!” I shoot to my feet but the sudden movement causes my entire left side to freeze up. My muscles lock in place and I tip over, hitting the ground hard.
Ben springs into action. He sprints toward the pool and leaps in without a moment of hesitation. There’s a lot of thrashing in the water and after the most agonizing five seconds of my life, he emerges with my daughter in his arms.
Sophia sprints out of the kitchen, shrieking, hysterical as she grabs ahold of the child. The whole family follows after her. Gianni and Franco immediately start arguing about whose fault it is that the door stayed open. Agata collapses into an embrace with Sophia and River while Angie anxiously wipes water from her husband’s face.
And I just lie there on the cold ground feeling impotent, feeble.
Useless.
Chapter Thirty-One
Sophia
I am emotionally drained after tonight’s dinner but I don’t have a right to complain because this whole fiasco was all my fault.
If I hadn’t been so damn eager for my parent’s approval, I wouldn’t have brought Archie and River over there to suffer through dinner. I would have just thrown up my middle finger in the face of their displeasure with my mating decisions and gone on with my life.
But I was so caught up in trying show my family what a great guy Archie is. So caught up in trying to show them that my relationship with Archie is solid, not just the result of a bad decision I made in Vegas.
Thinking back on the way things played out tonight, I wish I hadn’t bothered seeking my family’s approval. I wish I hadn’t put Archie and River through all that drama just because a silly part of me insisted that I need my parents to consent to the way I’m living my life.
Archie got hurt. River almost drowned. It’s my fault.
I step back from the bathroom sink and scrub my hand down my freshly-washed face. What I need right now is to crawl into bed and wrap Archie’s arms around me and let this horrible day fade to black.
Tomorrow’s always a fresh start.
I tiptoe down the hallway and slip into River’s bedroom. I stare down at her in the crib. She’s so beautiful, sleeping peacefully, today’s terrifying events long forgotten. I adjust the blankets over her chubby legs and kiss her forehead before creeping out of the room.
As I move down the hall to my bedroom, the urge to feel Archie’s arms around me is all I can think about. I just want to fall into that sweet comfort.
But when I walk into the room, the bed is empty. Fuck.
I pad quietly to the living room and that’s where I find him.
My heart sinks into my belly as I watch him, his big body folded up on the narrow, uncomfortable couch. Hugging my arms around myself, I press my eyes shut and purse my lips. I know that Archie is beating himself up about River falling into the pool tonight. This is the last thing we needed. He still hasn’t gotten over the shame of the declined credit card at that jewelry shop in Crescent Harbor last week. Now, add this mess to it.
He thinks he’s failing. He thinks he’s not being the partner I need, the father River needs. He’s the only one holding himself to those impossible standards. How do I get him to see that?
My instinct tells me to barge into the living room and give him a shake and demand that he come to bed. But that won’t help anything. It’ll just cause an avoidable confrontation.
So instead, I turn back down the hall and climb into my bed, tucking myself between the cold, lonely sheets.
Sometimes love means giving a person the space they need. I just hope he comes to his senses quickly because I hate seeing him suffer like this.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Archie
Wincing hard, I lower myself to the edge of the mattress. Fuck. Some days the pain is unbearable. Today is one of those days.
Sophia and I took the kids to the park this afternoon where I played referee in an intense game of make-up-the-rules-as-you-go soccer. That’s how toddlers do it.
Keeping up with them was a challenge. I pushed myself too hard. Now, I'm paying the price.
That self-loathing voice in my brain barks at me. What kind of man can’t keep up with a game of toddler soccer? I wish I were stronger. I wish I could manage the pain, grind my teeth and just push through it. I wish I weren’t so broken. With each passing day, I question whether I really deserve to be here. Whether I can really give Sophia and River the kind of life I promised them.
Kids' music filters under the bathroom door. I hear River's laughter and the splash-splash-splash of her playing in the tub. Sounds of innocence, hope, goodness.
God—she deserves so much better than this. So does Sophia.
They deserve a protector, a provider. I’m just some guy trying to hold himself together with rubber bands. A shell of a man with an empty bank account and a broken body. A man who can’t even jump into a goddamned pool to save his child.
A part of me died as I lay there on the ground and watched Ben jump into the water for my daughter. Yes, he’s a first responder. He deals with this sort of thing in his line of work. But that was my daughter in the pool. I should have been strong enough to save her. I failed.
I fucking failed the most important test of my life.
I glance around the shadowy bedroom. What’s the point of my being here if I can’t do my job to protect this family?
Sophia sings softly to River, her off-key voice full of tenderness. We haven’t spoken more than a few words to each other in days and I can’t help but wonder how much she resents me right now. She’s a good person so she’d never say it out loud but I know she’s thinking that she was better off before I showed up in this town.
And she’s right. That thing that happened between us in Vegas, it was doomed from the start.
Pressing my eyes shut against the wall of shame that bears down on me, I grab my suitcase from the closet. I open drawers, pulling my clothes out and shoving them into the bag. I can’t keep living this lie. I’m just not strong enough. I’m just as weak as my father.
I haul the bag into the corridor with me. Sophia looks up from River and her twinkling eyes meet mine. “Hey…”
Guilt wraps its talons tightly around my windpipe. “Hey…”
When I don’t say anything else, her expression grows puzzled. Until her eyes land on the suitcase at my feet.
She stands slowly from the edge of the bathtub. “No, Archie…” She’s shaking her head, water dripping from her fingertips as she approaches.
“I can’t do this…” I say, my eyes focused on the bruised hardwood floor.
“No.” Her voice grows louder and it trembles with fear. "Talk to me. Archie, fucking talk to me."
"What do you want from me, Sophia?"
“I want you to not walk out on me right now. Tell me that you care about me. Tell me that you love me.”
I sigh roughly. “I do love you—”
“And I love you,” she interrupts me. “So, you don’t get to just walk away. Love is a risk but I'm out here in the deep end. All by myself. And I'm terrified..." She reaches out and her fingers curl in the hem of my shirt. Her voice goes incredibly soft. "Be terrified with me. And tell me that you’ll stay, anyway."
"Sophia...I—I love you. So fucking much. I have no right to love you this much." I rake my fingers through my hair. “I’m a fucking burden on you. I’m half a man. My body’s falling apart. You don’t need that.”
She whispers through her fear. “No, Archie. No, please. Don’t do this.”
My jaw clenches. It would have been easier to just slip out. To wait till she was at the grocery store and just leave. But I’m not that much of a coward. I won’t walk out on her the way Josh did. I need her to understand that as much as I want to be with her, it’s not something I’m qualified to do. A man is just wasting space if he can’t take care of his family.
I cradle her cheek in my palm. “I don’t want to be be a burden on you. I don’t want you to get stuck taking care of me. I just want you to be h
appy.”
“Then don’t leave,” she growls.
I pull in a long breath. “I don’t belong here. You can find somebody better. Someone who can take care of you.”
She closes her eyes and tears spill out.
“I’m only holding you back.”
Her jaw quivers. She’s trying so hard to be strong. When her eyes fly open, they flash fire. “You’re holding yourself back. I’m not the one who sees you as less of a man because of your wounds. You’d have to look in the mirror for the culprit of that crime. You say you want me to be happy? Well, newsflash; you're the only guy for the job.”
Her words strike me deep, but still, I can’t stay. “I’m sorry.”
I try to walk by her, to say goodbye to my daughter in the bathtub. But the strong, protective mother in Sophia steps up to the fore, blocking my way. “You stay the fuck away from her,” she seethes. “You stay away from my child.”
Jamming my tongue into my cheek, I fight against the emotions threatening to surface. I grab my bag from the floor, walking backward toward the exit. My eyes stay on them—the woman I love falling apart in the darkened hallway, my innocent child playing in the bathtub.
Like a coward, I open the door and I walk away.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Archie
The wide-open road stretches ahead of me.
Tall trees line both sides of the asphalt highway and the clean, sharp scent of pine fills the cab of the car. A brisk, crisp wind whips my face.
I used to love this feeling. The freedom, the possibility. I used to live for this. But now, all I feel is doom.
Deep in my bones, settling in my flesh. Hopeless despair.
I miss my girls. Every time I close my eyes, their faces play on the backs of my eyelids. The perfect torture.
But my sticking around in Copper Heights wasn’t serving their interests. I was just holding them back. So, I’m on the road again. Flitting from town to town.
I pull into the parking lot of some random bar in some random town. I throw the car into park and watch people stepping inside. Happy people, smiling, laughing. It takes me back to that night at the bar in Vegas when I met Sophia, crying into her flowery bouquet.
I get that feeling in my chest. The breathless feeling. The heat right beneath my ribs. The scalding desire. That wanting her that goes beyond her gorgeous curves and her pretty eyes. Desire singeing into the depths of my soul.
But I can’t have her. It wouldn’t be right to hold her back for my own selfish reasons just so I don’t have to be alone. She deserves the best and that ain’t me.
So, I sit here in my car, with Johnny Cash playing low on the stereo and I close my eyes.
My heart aches, knowing I’ll never feel her love again.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Sophia
Pushing a stroller with half a dozen toddlers up the steep incline toward the park? That's easy.
Carrying this heavy heart around in my chest? That’s what I'm struggling with.
Dammit—This feeling. Deep and achy and hopeless. It’s what I was trying to avoid. It’s why I didn’t want to get involved with Archie to begin with.
But he promised...
He promised he’d be there for River and me. He promised he’d stay.
Of course, that's what men do. One minute they have you standing on the bow of the Titanic, feeling like you can fly. And in the blink of an eye, they kick you overboard to swim with the sharks. Wait—that’s not how the movie ended, is it?
River has been super cranky ever since Archie left. She doesn’t want to sleep in her own bed. She’s clingy. She does anything for my attention. It’s like she’s afraid that I’ll abandon her, too. Her way of coping with that fear is by acting out. I’ve been extra patient with her, spending more time with her, doing everything in my power to reassure her. It’s all I can do to make it up to her.
Mommy fucked up.
I put my desire for Archie ahead of what was right for our daughter and now, my little girl is suffering. I don’t know if I’ll be able to forgive myself.
As we’re crossing the street into the park, River flings her bottle to the ground and it lands on the muddy sidewalk. She starts to cry.
"Danggit. Fudge,” I mumble as I bend over to pick it up.
I hate wasting even a drop of my hard-fought breastmilk. Pumping was a bitch and a half but I made sure to stock up the freezer before I weaned her. It’s been months, though, and her supply is starting to run low. So, it really hits me hard to have to throw a full bottle away.
I scoop the bottle out of the puddle and toss it into the storage basket at the bottom of the stroller. It's gross. I can’t wait to get back home and sterilize the shit out of that bottle.
Right as I’m about to resume the trek to the park, a fancy sportscar zips by and bumps into a puddle, dousing me with cold, dirty water.
I shriek. Can a girl catch a break?!
This is my breaking point. I am tired. I am done letting life piss all over me. It’s time for me to stand up for myself.
When I see the car pull up at the curb a few yards away, I veer the stroller onto the grass and kick up the brakes before hollering over my shoulder at Ramona. “I’ll be right back. Do not take your eyes off these children.”
"Uh-huh," she mumbles uninterestedly, one hand locked on Sebastian's wrist, the other scrolling the screen of her phone.
God, this chick.
But right now, I’m just grateful that she agreed to come back to work for me after I fired her. I would have been stuck with a mess on my hands if she’d turned up her nose at my second-hand, recycled job offer.
Anyway, right now, I'm on a mission to give that asshole driver a piece of my mind. I stomp right up to the car. Leaning over the spotless dark-tinted window on the driver’s side, I rap my knuckles against the glass.
My heart stops beating as the window lowers in slow motion and my ex-fiance’s smug face comes into view.
His mouth quirks into his usual boyish grin. “Hi Sophie.”
The overpowering scent of his cologne floats out on the air-conditioned draft and my stomach turns with revulsion. An excessively pretty blonde with the body fat ratio of a mosquito leans around him and gives me a little wave. “Hi there! Boy, everyone’s so nice in this town.”
My insides contract painfully. My nostrils twitch. “Joshua.” I straighten my posture and lift my chin.
“How have you been?” He asks the question casually, like we’re nothing more than good old friends who fell out of touch after college. Is this guy for real?
Screw this.
“I’m doing fantastic. I’m doing. Fucking. Fantastic.” I turn on my heel, headed back toward my tribe of toddlers.
“Sophie. Sophie, wait. Please.” I don’t look back but I hear the car door slam behind me.
When I feel his hand at the curve of my elbow, I spin back around and growl. “How dare you touch me?! After everything?!”
His shoulders drop. “Look—I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the way things turned out.”
Really? That’s all he has to say for himself?
“Thanks for the sentiment,” I say dryly. “Gotta go.” I try to turn away but he touches my elbow again.
I jerk my arm away. I am one more nonconsensual touch away from unleashing my long lost inner ninja. Try me, asshole.
He shakes his head. “We need to talk, Sophie. Like, really have a serious conversation about our situation.”
I stiffen my spine. “It’s been two years, Josh. We don’t have a ‘situation’.”
His chest rises on a deep inhale and he presses his eyes shut. “I love you, Sophia.”
My eyebrow jerks up at the declaration and I hear Ramona spit out a laugh somewhere behind me. I glare at her. “Could you take the kids to the playground? I’ll be there in a minute.”
“Sure.” With a shrug, she grabs the reins of the stroller and pushes it off across the grass.
I turn back to Josh
. He’s looking at me with pleading eyes. “We should get back together,” he says. “It’s the only thing that makes sense.”
A coughing sound sputters from my lungs. “What?”
“We should get back together.” He smooths his hand over his perfectly brushed-back blond hair and glances off in the direction of the playground. “I wasn’t ready before but I’m ready now. I’m ready to settle down.” He watches me like he expects me to break out into cartwheels at the announcement. “You and me and that kid of yours—we can be a family.”
My patience is running so very thin by this point. “Just get out of my face, Josh. Climb back into your testosteronemobile with your manicured stick figure and go drive off a cliff. Because—newsflash. You are not the father of my child.”
He shrugs a shoulder dismissively. “Well, that was sort of obvious to me because we didn’t have sex for like a month before the wedding. But…” he gives me a magnanimous smile. “I forgive you, Sophie. Besides, nobody else knows I’m not the kid’s father. We can make this work. Let’s just call it even and get back together.”
Is this conversation really happening?
“Josh, why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?”
He grunts roughly. “Nothing’s going—”
“Joshua!”
His shoulders slump in defeat. “My parents are getting divorced. My dad has his new 20-year-old girlfriend and he hasn’t been answering my calls. My mom is too fucking depressed to even press ‘send’ on PayPal transfer to my account—”
“You’re doing this for money?!” This is incredible.
He tries to reason with me. “You don’t understand. I have zero influence right now, Sophie. Zero. But a baby…that would make my mother so fucking happy—”
I throw up a hand over my shoulder as I walk off. “Goodbye, Josh.”
He comes chasing after me like the shameless shit he is. “I’d split the money with you, of course. We just have to pretend the kid is mine. No big deal.”
The Blue Collar Bachelors Box Set: The Complete Blue Collar Bachelors Series Page 123