PAY-OFF Feeling healthy ’cos you’re wearing a track suit. When you get tired, you can always float. Putting on silk stockings without them ripping. Looking like a weight-lifter. Being able to jump off a drum riser while doing the splits—and not wake up in hospital.
Pruning
3
Cleanliness Is Next to Ozzyness
When I was growing up in Aston, my idea of a personal grooming was a hot bath every other year. It’s not like there was a lot of pressure to be smooth-skinned and beautiful in those days. As a bloke, you were hairy and smelly, full stop, end of story. And as a bloke who was also a rock ’n’ roll singer, you were basically a one-man walking fucking sewer. I went on tour in Scandinavia once—in the depths of winter—with only one change of underpants. And no toothpaste. By the time I got back on the ferry to Harwich, Essex, my breath was so bad, every time I opened my mouth to say something, flowers wilted and birds fell out of the sky.
I’m a new man now.
The first time I really experienced modern beauty treatments was when I met Sharon. I woke up one day and she had me in a headlock with a pair of tweezers in her hand. I remember screaming, “What the fuck you DOING?!” She just tightened her grip and went, “I’m giving you a long-overdue pruning, Ozzy, that’s what I’m fucking doing.”
That’s what Sharon calls it: “pruning.” And she does it to me at every available opportunity. If she sees so much as a single nose hair—she calls ’em “Hitlers” ’cos they look like the Führer’s moustache—she’ll go after it like a lioness going after her prey. After a while I gave up trying to escape, ’cos putting up a fight wasn’t worth the pain. By holding out, I was making only one person miserable: me. Besides, I didn’t exactly want to go around looking like three different families of crows had set up a nest in my conk.
It’s reached the point these days where I actually enjoy a pruning—especially if it involves a long massage before a gig. I might be the Prince of Darkness, but I’ve had more pedicures now than I’ve had hot dinners. I don’t take it too far, though. I’ve never had my balls waxed. My anus has never been bleached. And I ain’t into all that “caviar facial” bollocks.
To me, looking good is about working with what you’ve got, and taking care of the simple things. Then again, if something really, really bothers you, I ain’t got any bones about saying, “Get it fixed.” Going under the knife once in a while doesn’t mean you automatically end up like Michael Jackson or that crazy Cat Woman in New York. You’ve just gotta make sure you save up enough dough to pay for a top-notch doctor—and you’ve gotta know when enough’s enough. In the meantime, you’ll be amazed what you can achieve with a bit of regular maintenance.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m a 24-year-old single man with a big date coming up, and I want to make sure I look good in the buff—y’know, just in case. With that in mind: should I trim my armpit hair?
Simon, Bethnal Green, London
How long can your armpit hair possibly be, man? I mean, I could understand if you were worried about the hair on your head, or the smell of your cologne, or what kind of clothes you’re gonna wear—but unless you’re planning to get this poor woman in a nude headlock over dinner, how the fuck do your armpits come into the equation? Since you asked, though, let me give you some man-to-man advice: I shaved my armpits once for a joke, and it hurt like you wouldn’t believe for a whole month. Worse than that, they broke out in an ’orrible pimply rash. So if I were you, I’d leave your armpits well alone and concentrate on something else, like your conversation skills.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I can’t resist the temptation to squeeze my blackheads and spots, even though I know I’m not supposed to. Is this bad? Does anyone seriously just wait until they “pop” by themselves?
Chris, Kent
None of my spots ever go unsqueezed because of Sharon: if she sees one, she’ll be at it with a hammer and chisel in a heartbeat. You’re right, though: you’re not supposed to start hacking away at your forehead, or you’ll leave behind a scar, give yourself an infection, or force that white gunky stuff in the wrong direction, making you look like Elephant Man. If you’ve got a bit of dough in the bank, go and see a good facialist and they’ll do the squeezing for you. Pressing a hot towel to your face and then massaging the pores can also help. Whatever you do, make sure you wash your hands thoroughly first.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
My ears stick out at right angles. I wouldn’t mind if they did something more useful—like picking up Sky Sports—but they just make me look like an idiot. What should I do?
Neil, Glasgow
No-one wants to walk around the place looking like the Ryder Cup. But I think you’re being a bit hard on your poor old lugs—the job of hearing is pretty important (take it from someone who’s half-deaf). And Prince Charles does alright with his ears, which he could rent out at the weekend as parasails. But my advice is always the same with these things: if it bothers you, do something about it. Yes, the operation might be expensive. But buying an iPad or a new telly is also expensive, and no-one ever seems to have any problem saving up dough for that. If your ears are making you miserable enough to write to Dr. Ozzy, it might be the best investment you ever make.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m in my mid-thirties and sadly losing my hair. Should I resign myself to my fate, or fight it by any means necessary? How do you maintain your manly flowing locks?
Leo, Maryland
I’ve always been blessed with good hair. I don’t wear a rug. I don’t wear extensions. And I don’t use spray paint to touch-up bald spots. The only thing I do to my hair is dye it. In fact, I’ve always promised myself that if I ever start getting threadbare on top, I’ll shave it all off rather than getting an Irish (Irish jig = wig) or spending half the day trying to arrange my last three strands into a greasy comb-over. I mean, whenever I see these guys with crazy rugs, or the ones who wear cowboy hats all the time, I just wanna say to them, “Fuck off, we all know you ain’t got any hair.” And while it’s possible to buy some very good wigs these days if you’ve got the time, the dough, and the patience, most of ’em are ludicrous. I remember one time, I sat down at a bar in New York next to a bloke with the worst wig I’d seen in my life. It was ginger, and made him look like a cat had died on his head… I mean, buying a wig is one thing. But a ginger one? In the end I reached up, pulled it off, and used it to mop up my spilled beer. The guy went fucking mental. But if it taught him to be bald and proud, I did him a favour.
DR. OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY—
Beauty Secrets Through the Ages
If you’ve got bad skin, try using a three-inch-deep layer of white powder foundation to cover it. Then add some smudged eye-liner and fake blood. It won’t get you laid, but it’ll get you out of babysitting duties for the rest of your life.
They say that putting a cold tea bag on a bruise will make it go away faster. If a doctor ever asks if you’re up for a bit of “tea-bagging,” though, it’s best to say “no.” He might mean something else.
If a bird craps on your head while you’re standing under a tree, wave and say thanks—in Japan, that’s considered a $150-a-pop facial treatment. (The stuff they use is a powder made from nightingale shit.)
In the Philippines, mothers have been known to cut their baby’s eyelashes ’cos they think it makes them grow back longer and darker when they’re older. Personally, I wouldn’t trust anyone to hold a pair of sharp scissors anywhere near a baby’s eyeballs. The kid ain’t gonna thank you for his long eyelashes if he needs a white fucking stick to cross the road.
If you think rinsing your mouth out with Listerine tastes bad, you should have been around in Ancient Roman times: in those days, dental hygiene meant gargling with piss (as long as it came from someone Portuguese).
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m thinking of getting some cosmetic surgery done, but I feel very self-conscious about anyone seeing me with bandages over my face during the
recovery period—and I’m also concerned about the stares I’m going to get when I show up in the office with a completely different face. What’s the best way to handle all this?
Sarah, Keswick
What exactly are you planning to do when your face is all bandaged up—go clubbing for a week in Cancun? The fact is, you’re gonna have to stay indoors and rest after the operation, so you won’t need to see anyone unless you want to. Over in California, they put you up in a special hotel where there’s a whole floor for recovering patients. If it’s a cheapo job, then obviously you ain’t gonna get that kind of service, but in that case I’d recommend that you wait until you can afford a better surgeon. As for the last part of your question: I don’t understand why you’re changing your appearance in the first place if you’re worried about people noticing your change of appearance. It sounds to me like you haven’t thought this through. If I were you, I’d put everything on hold until you’ve had a long talk with a therapist and sorted this out in your head.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I’m a man of very limited stature (5ft). Should I buy platform shoes, or will that make me look sillier?
Gary, Belfast
Depends on the shoes. I ain’t short, but I used to wear these silver, glittery platform things in the 1970s, and I thought they looked the dog’s bollocks. Mind you, I was doing a lot of acid at the time. My advice to you is not to worry so much about what other people think. If you don’t mind being short, be short. And if you want to look like you’re in ABBA, go for it.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
How can I get my skin to be as flawless as yours?
Nora, Dublin, Ireland
All I do is use a good natural cream—nothing fancy, not the two-grand-a-bottle bullshit—every morning and every night. What you’ve got to remember is that your face is out in the elements all the time, which means it has to deal with sun, dust, grime, and all other kinds of other crap. Also, as skin ages, it gets drier, so you need to blast it with as much moisture as possible. Personally I don’t bother with facials, unless Sharon has someone over the house and ropes me into it. She’s got skin creams up the fucking yin-yang—which I suppose is alright if you’re a woman. But speaking as the owner of a pair of testicles, I like to keep my daily grooming time down to the bare minimum.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I was looking at some holiday pictures recently and realised—with horror—that I have a quadruple chin. I look like a cross between my grandma and a concertina. Help!
John, Hastings
I used to have more chins than a Chinese phone book. It’s a genetic thing with my family—we all have this balloon of fat under our jaws. When I complained to my GP about it, he told me to grow a beard, but I didn’t want a beard. So in the end I fixed it with liposuction. They stick a needle into the blubber, suck it out, and send you away with a bandage around your face, like you’ve just had the worst dentist’s appointment of your life. Luckily, I didn’t notice the pain, ’cos I was still blasted all the time in those days. It’s like I always say, if something bothers you every time you look in the mirror, and if the technology exists to sort it out—and you’ve got the dough—then do it.
It changed my life.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
Plucking my eyebrows makes me sneeze—why do you think this is, and how can I stop it happening?
Louise, Essex
I have exactly the same problem. Putting on eye make-up before a gig always sends the snot flying in all directions—my green room is literally a green room. The reason it happens (so I believe) is your sinuses, which go all the way up your face to your eyebrow area. When you pluck your eyebrows you’re basically tickling them. The bad news is that the only way to stop it happening is to stop plucking. So you either have to put up with the occasional sneezing fit, or get ready to start looking like a walking hedgerow.
Dear Dr. Ozzy,
I was born with a pale complexion but would love to get a suntan—people with brown skin look so much healthier. What the best way to do this without resorting to tin foil?
Vicky, Sunderland
Whatever you do, don’t go to an old-fashioned tanning salon. I went to one of those joints once, turned the machine straight up to level ten-and-a-half, and passed out on the bed. Then I woke up a few hours later looking like I’d been hit by an atomic bomb. I was furious with myself for months, ’cos I could hardly walk—never mind smile, or bend over, or do anything that involved creasing even the tiniest part of my skin. I might as well have paid someone to throw me in a bath of acid, it probably would have been less painful. It ages you by decades, too. A few doses of the hard stuff and you’ll end up with a face like an 18th century football. I urge you to avoid anything to do with UV rays—far too dangerous for my liking—and get one of those quickie spray-on jobs instead. It won’t last long, and you might smell a bit funny the day after, but it won’t give you third-degree burns and it won’t give you cancer, which is enough for me.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
What’s the best way to get rid of warts?
Tim, Dartmouth
Antifreeze and fire. I don’t recommend it, though.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m in my mid-40s and stunned to find that my hair is turning white (not the hair on my head). I thought I could use dye, but some hairs are black and I don’t want to look like a tabby. It’s getting me down and is threatening to affect my love life, which I was hoping to ignite with the local plastic surgeon before it’s too late. Help!
Katy, Buckinghamshire
Personally, I’ve never had a bikini wax, and I don’t know why any bloke in his right mind would ever let another bloke anywhere near his nearest and dearest. For women, though, it’s a lot more common—and in your case, it sounds like the lawnmower treatment might not be a bad idea. Just don’t get carried away. Over in LA, some women get this thing done called “revirgination” (where they repair your hymen) while gay blokes are getting parts of their bodies bleached that should never even see the light of day. I wouldn’t recommend any of that. But a bit of hot wax might do the trick.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I recently lost a lot of weight and now I have horrendous stretch marks. How can I get rid of them?
Michael, Kent
This is the problem with losing weight as you get older: all the elasticity in your skin disappears, so you end up with a big, floppy bag of skin hanging over your arse. Either that, or you get the dreaded stretch marks. I’ve got to ask you a question, though, Michael: where are these marks? If they’re under your clothes, why do anything? Who cares? Otherwise, have a look on the Internet for all the oils and potions you can put on your skin to help get rid of the redness, or ask your doc about laser treatment. Getting yourself zapped can be very pricey, but I’m told it can be very effective.
Dear Dr. Ozzy:
I’m desperate to get some tattoos, but I’m broke, and my parents won’t help me out, because they don’t approve. Can I do them myself with a needle and some ink, like you did?
Jason, Cardiff
Yes, you can do it yourself, but I strongly advise you not to, ’cos all kinds of things can go wrong if you start stabbing yerself with a rusty fork. Either that, or you need to become a qualified tattoo artist. Personally, I learned while I was doing time for burglary in Winson Green prison, Birmingham: anything to make the day go by quicker. I remember one of the guys drawing a picture of The Saint on my arm with a ballpoint pen—I’d been a fan of the show since it started in 1962—then he used a sewing pin he’d nicked from the workroom and some melted grate polish (the stuff they used to clean fireplaces with) to poke in a tattoo over the top. After that, I was hooked. I once spent a whole afternoon in Sutton Park, a posh part of town, spelling out “O-Z-Z-Y” across my knuckles. Then I put a smiley face on each of my knees to cheer myself up when I was sitting on the bog in the morning. My old man wasn’t very fucking impressed, mind you. He took one look at me, shook his head, and went, “Son, you’re an idio
t.”
Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Being Beautiful
Find the answers—and your score— here
1. What crazy beauty secret did Cleopatra use to always look good?
a) Smearing crocodile shit on her face
b) Putting ass’s milk up her ass
c) Banning mirrors in her house
2. Which of these unlikely ingredients have been found in baldness cures throughout history?
a) Burnt mice
b) Ground horse teeth
c) “Bear grease” (whatever the fuck that is)
3. If you sit for a long time behind a car window on a sunny day, what’s most likely to happen?
a) You’ll tan faster than The Situation
b) You won’t turn brown, but you’ll burn like Guy Fawkes on November 5
c) You won’t tan or burn—but people will start mistaking you for Yoda
4. Who spent $24,000 (more or less) on a single haircut in 2009?
a) Tony Blair
b) Michael Jackson
c) The Sultan of Brunei
5. What do the Czechs bathe in before and/or after drinking beer?
a) Beer
b) Horse sweat
c) Sausage fat
Family—The Other F-Word
Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy Page 5