Trust Me, I'm Dr Ozzy

by Ozzy Osbourne

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I’m still “friends with benefits” with my ex-boyfriend, even though he now has a new girlfriend—the same girl he cheated on me with for almost a year and a half. Should I tell her what the hell has been going on, since he hasn’t had the balls to be honest?

  Rudy, South Carolina

  If you’re looking for revenge, go ahead. But don’t kid yourself—it sounds to me like this is a play to get him back. You might also want to consider that if he’s cheated on you, and cheated on her, he’s probably screwing a few other people, too. I mean, the bloke doesn’t exactly sound like the faithful type. My advice would be to find a new guy and move on.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  My girlfriend’s father—Russian, ex-military—likes to get me drunk on vodka then take me to his banya (sauna) where we strip naked and he whips me with birch leaves. Is this weird?

  Adam, New York

  If some bird’s dad ever tried to get me naked and start whipping me with something—birch or otherwise—he’d get a punch on the fucking nose. Getting boozed up in a sauna ain’t a very clever idea, either… although I used to do it all the time at my old house in Staffordshire. I’d always take special precautions, mind you: before putting any water on the coals, I’d always top-off my lager with a splash of lemonade. A “lemonade top,” we used to call it. (Not the same thing as a shandy, which is half-and-half.) One other thing, Adam: generally speaking, any kind of physical activity in hot, steamy conditions is best avoided, unless you’re using the sauna to have a quickie with the nanny, which I once did, long ago. In that case, an exception can be made.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I wish my girlfriend were better endowed. Would it be rude to suggest a boob job? (I’d pay for it.)

  Stan, Cheshire

  The good thing about being Dr. Ozzy is that I sometimes get the opportunity to save lives. Stan, count yourself lucky, ’cos that’s what I’m about to do: under NO circumstances EVER bring this up with your girlfriend. If I made this suggestion to Sharon, believe me, the Osbourne crown jewels would end up halfway up my oesophagus. And to be honest I wouldn’t blame her. I mean, imagine if the situation was reversed, and your girlfriend asked you to get an enlargement of your own? How would that feel? If it’s really that important to you, dump the girl and find yourself a Page 3 model.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy,

  What’s the best way to make a woman sleep with you?

  Jake, New York

  I always had a great chat-line up for the women. After a night out, I’d say, “Can I come back to your house and watch your telly?” It was brilliant, ’cos it made it sound like all I wanted to do was catch up on the News at Ten, when in fact I was planning to get them into the sack. No-one ever fell for it, though. Most of the time they just went, “I ain’t got a telly.”

  III: BALLCARE

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  This might sound strange, but I’ve noticed that when I stare at my testicles for a long time, they seem to move by all themselves… is this normal? It’s freaking me out!

  Jason (13 years old), Kent

  It’s normal. If they start moonwalking, you might have a problem… but they definitely move on their own, ’cos they’re surrounded by a layer of jelly and, as everyone knows who’s looked at a bowl of jelly before, it tends to wobble around a lot for no good reason. On a separate note: you might want to spend less time staring at your testicles.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  The skin on my penis has cracked due to (solo) over-use. Is this normal? If so, how can I make it heal?

  Anonymous, New York

  It’s called friction. Rub the skin on your elbow ten times a day and you’ll have exactly the same problem. Give your Upstanding Citizen a break for a while, then invest in some lubrication.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I’ve been contacted by a very friendly woman on the internet who tells me that “male enhancement” surgery—ie, phalloplasty—is risk-free and guaranteed to make me a hero in bed. Should I proceed?

  Larry, California

  No. Next question…

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I’m an uncircumcised 16 year old and can’t retract my foreskin. I’m stressing out about it, but can’t face going to a doctor (which would mean telling my parents). What can I do?

  Mark, Birmingham

  First of all, under no circumstances start messing around with it yourself. Second: I appreciate that it’s embarrassing, but the best thing to do is have a quiet word with your dad, or if you’ve got one, an older brother. Bear in mind that your old man probably changed a few of your nappies when you were little, so you ain’t showing him anything he hasn’t seen a million times already. The same goes for your doctor: believe me, people have far worse problems than a sticky foreskin (which has gotta be pretty common). Just pluck up the courage and get it over with, ’cos it’ll seem like nothing as soon it’s done.

  DR. OZZY’S AMAZING MEDICAL MISCELLANY

  What Every Man Should Know…

  “Blue balls” is a real condition. It’s a kind of cramp that happens when you have a woody for a long time but never get to the fireworks ceremony. Another interesting fact: no female in medical history has ever accepted “blue balls” as a reason for a bonk.

  The average guy gets an average of five boners every night. If the average guy is anything like me, he also gets an average of zero shags.

  One ejaculation contains up to 400 million sperm. I’m guessing it was a woman who counted ’em, ’cos the bloke would have been fast asleep.

  With quick treatment, the survival rate for testicular cancer is about 95 percent. The trick is to check your balls regularly for lumps. Don’t do it during business meetings or at dentists’ appointments, though.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I’ve heard that regular ejaculations are important to keep the prostate healthy as one gets older. As there is a history of prostate cancer in my family, would a regular “cleaning out of the system” be a good idea, purely from a health point of view? If so, how often?

  Andy, Beaconsfield

  You’re absolutely right, Andy. I recommend a vigorous spring cleaning once a day. It’s best done in private, but if you’re caught, mention the words “preventative medicine” and you’ll be fine.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I saw a yellow spongy froth come out of my 54-year-old boyfriend’s penis during ejaculation. He says it’s been three years since he had sex. Could it be “rusty pipes”? I’m a 38-year-old woman, and I’ve seen a lot—but I’ve never seen that before!

  Haydee, Fleetwood, New York

  Listen, Haydee: If I had yellow spongy frothy shit coming out of my dick, I wouldn’t be writing to Dr. Ozzy—I’d be running to the fucking hospital! It’s a cause for alarm, don’t you think? It reminds me of when I was younger, and this school friend of mine started to piss sperm. You ain’t never seen anything like it. We were all looking at him, our jaws on the floor, going, “Is this what happens when you reach 13? Is that his life supply—gone?” I’ve no idea what happened to that kid, but I hope he got it checked out. But back to your question: you could always get your boyfriend to knock a few out by himself, to see if the problem really is “rusty pipes,” but, personally, I’d be making a date with my local dick doctor—and not wasting any time about it, either.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  Do men really suffer “shrinkage” in their private area after going swimming (especially in cold water)? If so, what sort of percentage reduction is normal—50 per cent? More?

  Felicity, Muswell Hill

  Yes, shrinkage is very real, and very upsetting. I don’t know about the percentage, though: I’ve never thought to get out my slide rule and calculator when it’s happened to me. Also, in case you’re wondering, hot water doesn’t have the reverse effect—otherwise you’d see guys walking around with electric kettles swinging from their underpants.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I’ve decided I don’t want any more kids
, so I’ve asked my doc to give me the snip. Good idea?

  David, Edinburgh

  There are a lot of ways to avoid having kids that don’t involve surgery. Also, the thing you’ve gotta remember about a vasectomy is that you can’t undo it—well, you can, but it ain’t easy. I’m speaking from experience here: in the 1980s, whenever I came back from a tour, I’d get Sharon pregnant, to the point when she had our three kids—Aimee, Kelly, and Jack—in three years on the trot. She’d had enough of being the size of a semi-detached house by then, so I went to my doc and told him to get out his sharpest pair of scissors and do what was necessary. The op was fine, although I had a bit of swelling afterwards (“Doc, can you make it not go away,” I said). The real problem came a few weeks later, when Sharon got all broody again. So I had to go back to the doc and ask him to unsnip me. “I wish you lot would bloody make your minds up!” he said to me. Anyway, whatever it was he did to glue my tubes back together obviously didn’t work, ’cos there weren’t any more little Osbournes after that.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  Last month I noticed that in my right testicle, there seem to be two “balls” instead of one. I don’t have any pain, though—should I see my GP?

  Saif, London

  Yes, immediately. It could be something, or it could be nothing—but if you feel any kind of strange lump in your balls, you can’t ignore it, because it could be life-threatening. Testicular cancer is a lot more common than you’d think. A good friend of mine had it: they put some of his man-juice in a jar—in case he wanted to have kids later—got the scissors of doom out, then gave him a blast of chemo, just to be on the safe side. I’m not trying to be funny, ’cos it ain’t. And I’m not saying you’ve got cancer, either. But in a case like this, don’t mess around, man. Forget Dr. Ozzy. Go and see a real doctor.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I’m pretty sure I have a much-smaller-than-average penis. As a result, I’m scared of talking to girls and am thinking of getting enlargement surgery. Is this a good idea?

  Hugh, New Mexico

  Look, if it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it—’cos the only thing worse than a very small penis is a very small penis that shoot blanks and looks like some mutant fucking eel from outer space. I mean, just think of the shit that could go wrong, man. Those plastic surgeon guys couldn’t even get Michael Jackson’s face right, so why would you entrust them with your dick? I certainly wouldn’t believe the ads they send you on e-mail. Believe me: if that stuff really worked, there’d be lines around the block. My advice? Steer clear.

  Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Sexy Beast

  Find the answers—and tote up your score— here

  1. If your partner has a headache before sex, what’s the best natural cure?

  a) A game of hide-the-sausage

  b) An early night and plenty of sleep

  c) A neck massage

  2. If a girl has a fling with a guy who says he has diphallia, what should she expect between the sheets?

  a) Delayed ejaculation

  b) A “micropenis”

  c) Double the pleasure

  3. When a 22-year-old student from California auctioned her virginity in 2009, how much did she get?

  a) $50,000

  b) A packet of fags and a box of Maltesers

  c) $3.8 million

  4. During the “Honen Matsuri” festival in Japan, what do 12 men carry through the streets?

  a) A naked woman

  b) A 96-inch wooden schlong

  c) A ceremonial bowl of human sperm

  5. A bloke in the Wodaabe tribe of Central Africa will find a wife by…

  a) Putting on a skirt and taking part in a beauty contest

  b) Arm-wrestling the potential bride’s father

  c) Showing the size of his woody to the town’s elders

  The Pharmacology Section

  11

  What They Don’t Print on the Label

  I might know fuck all about molecules, equations, or the periodic table, but I do know something about chemicals—mainly ’cos I was off my nut on them for the best part of 40 years. Things have changed a lot since my junkie days, though. Back in the 1970s, for example, you needed a dodgy dealer and a wad of cash to get your hands on any mind-altering substances. These days, it’s all legal. As long as you’ve got a prescription, it’s considered perfectly acceptable to be stoned out of your mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. The problem is, people are happy to empty all these jars of pills down their neck without ever reading the labels—probably ’cos the warnings are all written by lawyers and say crazy things like, “Side-effects might include DEATH.” That’s where Dr. Ozzy comes in. If you want a straight answer about a medication, why not ask someone who’s taken everything?

  Just bear in mind, though: before putting any drug in your body—even if it’s completely legit—you should always talk to someone first who didn’t used to be in Black Sabbath. As for all those people who are still using illegal drugs in one way or the other, all I can say is, “Been there, done that, and I honestly pray to God I never go back there again.” I mean, yeah, some of it was fun at the time. So is driving your car at 150 mph on the wrong side of the road. The trouble is, sooner of later, there’ll be an 18-wheeler coming round the corner in the opposite direction. And that won’t be any fun at all.

  I: UPPERS

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I work at a high-energy law firm and recently got myself a prescription for Adderall to boost my work performance. Thing is, I’m totally not ADD. Is this cheating at life?

  Anonymous

  It really depends how much you’re taking. If you’re necking a handful of the stuff a time, then you might as well go to work on a gram of fucking cocaine. And as time goes by, you’ll get a tolerance to it, and you’ll have to keep taking more and more, until you end up sitting there in your cubicle with your eyes bugging out like a fucking nutter and clutching at your chest every five seconds, ’cos you think you’re about to have a heart attack. That ain’t cheating at life—that’s fast-tracking yourself to an early death. Personally, I have a genuine case of ADD, but I give my Adderall to my assistant Tony, otherwise I’d be pouring the stuff in my coffee and sprinkling it on my cornflakes. The fact that you’re even writing to me about this suggests you know you’ve got a problem.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I suspect that my brother has started to take cocaine when he goes out clubbing at the weekend. I’m terribly worried about him. What are the risks involved?

  Susan, West Yorks

  You’re right to worry. When you start taking heavy-duty amounts of cocaine, this white gunk starts to trickle down the back of your throat, and you find yourself doing that phlegm-clearing thing all the time: like a sniff, but deeper and gunkier. And that puts a lot of stress on your epiglottis, or “clack,” as I’ve always called it. When I was doing a lot of coke in the 1970s, I was clearing away phlegm so often, I ended up tearing my clack in half. I was lying in bed at the time, and I just felt it flop down inside the back of my throat. Then it swelled up to the size of a golf ball and I had to go to the doc and explain myself. Luckily he had some pills for it—but I was so paranoid from the coke, I thought I’d never sing again. So as much fun as your brother might be having now, Susan, I’d advise him to stop while he’s ahead, ’cos a coke habit never ends well.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy:

  I recently went to Brazil and saw the most unbelievably graphic health warnings on the back of cigarette packets—dead babies, gangrenous feet, amputees, etc. Do you think these kind of “scare tactics” work, or are they so over-the-top, they do the opposite?

  Don, Greenwich

  The fact that anyone can puff and cough their way through a packet of smokes while staring at a picture of a foot-wide throat tumour just goes to show how addictive those fucking things are. I swear, if someone invented nicotine today, it would be in the same class as heroin—and I say that as someone’s whose smoked cigarettes AND taken heroin. I remember
being so hooked on tobacco, I’d pick butts up off the floor and smoke them. Disgusting, man. The thing is, though, when they start printing those kind of horrific pictures on the cartons—like kids’ corpses and whatever—you’ve gotta ask yourself, why the hell are they selling that shit in the first place? At some point they’ve either gotta ban the things or let people get on with killing themselves.

  Dear Dr. Ozzy,

  My 46-year-old son inherited an addictive personality from his father (who was a big drinker), and has somehow ended up with a crack habit. Worse: when I went away on holiday recently, he burgled my house for drug money, leaving his DNA all over the place. I feel terrible. Why do you think he’s doing this? Is it a cry for help ?

  Jeanette, Coventry

  You answered your own question at the very beginning—no, it’s not a cry for help, your son is an addict. He just wants his drug. It’s as simple as that. A lot of people might find it hard to believe, but addiction is an illness, similar to having any other kind of mental disorder, and no-one can really help you until you decide for yourself that it’s time to pack it in. That ain’t much comfort when the person who used to be your little angel takes up the crackpipe, though. The first thing I’d do is sit him down and tell him you know exactly what the deal is. Then give one last chance: “I can help you get over this, or I can let the police handle it, and you can go to prison.” If he wants your support, find a helpline or a drugs counselling service and take it from there. If he wants to be a crackhead, there ain’t much you can do. At this point, tough love is the only option.