She was due to land at JFK in the early afternoon, and would already be home when the kids got back from school. She knew the boys had baseball practice and Pennie had a yearbook meeting that day, so she would have time to unpack and get organized. Pennie had just learned that she was getting an award for her community service at the homeless shelter.
The car she’d ordered dropped her off at home at two-thirty, and she smiled as she walked into the house. It felt good to be back, although she already missed Paris and her life there.
Her freedom was over now. She’d have no time to herself, and she’d have to be doubly organized to start her business and still be as present as possible for the kids. She was planning to look for an assistant immediately to help her set everything up.
She was thinking about all she had to do as she walked into the house, and gave a start when she heard a sound and saw someone walk toward her. She heaved a sigh of relief when she saw that it was Paul.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were a burglar.” It was nice to see him, but unexpected.
“I took the day off.” He carried her suitcase up the stairs for her, and she followed him to her bedroom. Everything was in perfect order, and he had taken his things. He had cleared his papers out of the office. The house looked familiar and friendly and blissfully neat. The apartment in Paris had been harder to take care of, and she’d had to do it all herself.
“The house looks great,” she complimented him, and she knew he’d done a good job with the kids, and been attentive to their needs. He hadn’t kissed her hello, nor had she kissed him. They stood looking at each other like two strangers, or old acquaintances. Time had begun to separate them, they had been apart now for nearly six months. She felt like a new person after three months in Paris.
“Do you want a cup of tea?” he offered, which surprised her. He was treating her like a guest.
“No thanks. I’m fine.”
“So you’re a Cordon Bleu chef now. Congratulations!” She could see that he was uneasy, and she had no idea why he was hanging around. Maybe it upset him to leave their home now, but he had an apartment in New York, and she was back. He had to go. She had hoped he would have before she arrived.
“You must be happy not to have to deal with the commute anymore,” she commented, and unzipped her suitcase to take out a pair of jeans.
“I think I’ll miss it. It’s been nice being here with the kids, and coming home to them at night.” She knew he’d spent several nights in the city, but not many, according to the kids. There was always some reason why he had to come home. But she had no idea why he was lingering now. “Can we talk for a few minutes?” he asked. She was tired after the trip and didn’t want to, but she didn’t want to be rude after he’d helped her out for so long, and she looked up in surprise.
“Sure. Now?” He nodded, and they went to sit in her office.
“I think we need to talk,” he said as she sat down.
“What about? A problem with the kids?” She thought she was up-to-date on everything concerning them, and had talked to them every day, sometimes more than once, on FaceTime and Skype.
“They’re fine,” he reassured her. “I mean about us.”
“There’s no rush. I just got back.” She assumed he was going to tell her he wanted to file, but so did she. She had all her paperwork in order to serve him with the divorce, as soon as he gave her the name of his attorney. Maybe Olivia was pressuring him to do it quickly, although Eileen didn’t have that impression when she met her. “I contacted my lawyer a few weeks ago. We can get things done quickly now, if that’s what you want.”
“It isn’t.” He looked at her mournfully. He had been thinking about it since Olivia got back from Paris, which changed everything for him. “I’d like to try again, if you’re willing. I realized while I was here how much our marriage means to me. I lost my mind for a while, but I’m back again.”
“What about Olivia?”
“We ended it when she got back from Paris.” Eileen had the sudden feeling that “we” hadn’t ended it, she had. It was the sense she’d gotten from Olivia in Paris when they met, that it was over for her. So she’d been right.
“And why is that?”
“It was a fling, a wild moment for both of us. I want my family, Eileen, not a young girl. I don’t want to start over. I want us.” That was more likely the truth if he couldn’t have Olivia. In that case, he wanted to settle back in his comfortable old routine with her as his minion. Eileen was even more certain now that Olivia had dumped him, for whatever reason, maybe because of the handsome young man she’d been with, or because she didn’t like Paul’s situation and the mess he had created for all of them.
“I met her in Paris. She’s a beautiful girl.”
“She is, but so are you. We’re two halves of a whole, you and I. The kids need us together, and so do we.” Maybe he did, but she didn’t. She had won her freedom, and she wasn’t going to give it up for anyone, and least of all for him. She wasn’t feeling nostalgic about their marriage. She was over it, particularly after the last three months. She was looking forward, not back. She didn’t want to be put on the spot this soon, but he was giving her no other choice.
“I can’t do it, Paul. Too much has happened. It’s been too long.”
“It’s only a few months. We could go to counseling. I’d be willing to do that.”
“Maybe I could have done it six months or a year ago, and I’m not even sure we could have fixed it then. Maybe if you’d given her up. But I can’t do it now. I won’t.”
“I just gave her up.” He was lying and she knew it. She knew him too well. She couldn’t prove it, and it didn’t matter anymore whether he lied or told the truth. She had nothing left to give him. She had given it all for eighteen years.
“I don’t think you gave her up,” Eileen said in a quiet voice. “And it doesn’t matter now. I’m sorry for you if it didn’t work out. But I can’t, Paul. I just can’t. I’ve spent the last six months trying to build a new life for myself. I’m not willing to lose that. I finally have something to look forward to again. We should have gotten divorced years ago. We were both dead for years. I think it’s a blessing for both of us that it ended. Maybe Olivia did us a favor. Neither of us would have had the guts to get out of it otherwise. She came by and you went running after her. And that was the end of us. How can you want to go back to that? Now I’m alive again.” He could see that she was. But he wasn’t. He felt dead inside. Olivia had crushed the life out of him when she ended it, and he needed Eileen now. He needed the safe haven of their house and their kids, with her at his side.
“I must have bored you to death,” she said.
“No, you didn’t. I love you,” he said weakly.
“I love you too. You’re my family after all these years, but you never stopped resenting me because we had to get married, and punishing me for it. I can’t go back to that. It would kill me.”
“Please,” he said to her, and started to cry, which was mortifying for both of them. She didn’t want him to beg. She wasn’t going back to him, no matter what he said. They never should have gotten married or stayed married. And now they needed to end it cleanly with a divorce.
“I’m going to file the divorce this week. I think we both need closure now. You’re probably upset because of her. You’ll get over it. She’s too young anyway. Our kids must have scared her to death.” She was right, but he wouldn’t admit it to her. “You need something new in your life, not an old shoe like me. We’re not good for each other.”
“Yes, we are,” he insisted, still crying, like a child begging for what he couldn’t have. But he wasn’t a child, he was a man who had hurt her deeply, and she didn’t want him back. She couldn’t say it to him, but she didn’t love him anymore. She was sure of it, and had no doubts. “Will you think about it?”
> “I already have, for six months. Long enough to know that we’re doing the right thing ending it. It ended long ago. We just need to bury it now, and rebuild our lives.”
“I want to rebuild our life, together.”
“I don’t.” She couldn’t say it to him more plainly. “I want a divorce.”
“Our kids want us together.” He was trying everything he could and none of it was working.
“Pennie will be gone in five months, and the boys in six years. I’m not giving my life up for that. I already did. They’ll get over it. We’ll both be happier after the divorce, which is better for them.” She stood up then, unwilling to continue the conversation any longer, or to wait until it turned hostile. She was finished. “I’ve got to unpack and get organized,” she said gently but firmly.
“Don’t give up on us, Eileen, please,” he was begging again.
“You gave up on us, Paul. If Olivia were still willing, you’d be out of here in five minutes flat. And I’m not willing to wait till another one comes along. We’re over. Finished. Done. Now please go home.” He walked out of the office without saying another word, and lumbered down the stairs like an angry bear. He had been rejected twice in the space of a week. She watched him walk out the front door without turning to look at her, and she reminded herself to have the locks changed. She didn’t want him letting himself in whenever he chose.
He texted her five minutes later, “You’re a bitch!” She looked at it and shook her head. And that was the guy who wanted her to try again because he loved her so much. She had made the right decision, and he had to figure out his own way now. She was grateful that he’d given her the time to go to Cordon Bleu, but their marriage was long over, and all she wanted now was to bury it.
* * *
—
She had dinner started when the kids came home, and it smelled delicious. Mark and Seth threw their arms around her, and they waited for Pennie to come home to sit down to dinner. It felt like a real homecoming to all of them.
She got another text from Paul later that night, “I’m sorry.” She hadn’t answered the first one, and didn’t respond to the second one either. It was time to let go, and she had. Now he had to figure the rest out for himself. She was sure he’d have another woman in his life soon, but it wasn’t going to be her.
* * *
—
She called her attorney the next morning after the kids left for school, and got the ball rolling. He said he would send her the papers to sign that afternoon. They decided to send them to Paul’s general counsel, rather than waiting for him to hire a divorce attorney. She called a locksmith to change the locks that day. Paul didn’t live there anymore, and never would again. She realized it had probably been a mistake to have him stay there while she was in Paris, but it was the only way she could have gone. And it was done now. She told her children that night that she and Paul were getting divorced. They were disappointed but not surprised. Pennie told her after the boys left the kitchen that she thought Eileen was doing the right thing.
“Thank you, sweetheart. That means a lot to me. So do I.” She hugged her, and everything felt right.
* * *
—
Eileen was well aware of the tension her daughter was under from the moment she arrived from Paris, and even a few days before. Her college acceptance letters were due any day. She had already heard from NYU and Columbia, which were her backup schools since she didn’t want to go to college in New York. The big three she was hoping for were Harvard, her first choice, Princeton, and Yale. She wasn’t sure about Duke or Dartmouth. Duke was a great school, but she didn’t want to spend four years in North Carolina, it was too different from the world she knew. And Dartmouth was more of a jock school, and seemed better suited to men, in her opinion. Pennie remembered how anxious Tim had been until he heard from Stanford. She felt that way now, on tenterhooks until the mail came every day.
She hadn’t heard from any of her top choices yet. She knew good news came in fat envelopes with a packet of forms to fill out for her acceptance, housing, financial aid. And bad news came in thin envelopes with a single sheet, “Although your application and transcript were very impressive, we regret to inform you…” Many of her classmates had already been rejected by their first-choice schools.
She heard from Princeton first, a few days after her mother got home. She had a friend drive her back to the house at lunchtime, so she and her mother could open it together. The envelope was a thick one, and Pennie’s hands shook as she tore it open.
“This is so much better than doing it with you on Skype. I’m glad you’re home.” She grinned at Eileen as she unfolded the pages.
“Me too.” Eileen had tears in her eyes as she watched her. These were such important moments in her daughter’s life. And then Pennie let out a scream and danced around the kitchen and hugged her mother.
“I got in! I got in! I got in! Yessss!” She had guessed from the thickness of the packet, but you could never be sure. Pennie never took good news for granted.
“Will you go?” Eileen asked her breathlessly, shaking herself, wondering if Pennie’s order of preference had changed.
“I want to wait and hear what the others say.” She had until May first to give them her answer. And then the schools would whittle down their lists, and move on to offer places to the students on their waiting lists. Pennie called her father and told him, and he congratulated her. No one had turned her down yet.
Duke’s letter came the next day. They were coming in rapid succession now. Duke had declined her, saying that they had had nearly double the qualified applicants for the spaces available, and many worthy students had to be turned down. Pennie didn’t care, she hadn’t been enthusiastic about it. And she felt the same way when Dartmouth declined her too. She knew it wouldn’t have been the right school for her.
Yale wait-listed her, again due to increased applications. She had one letter left to receive, the one she cared about most. It arrived five days after Eileen’s return, on a Saturday. Pennie hadn’t called to check, she was at a yearbook editorial meeting, and they were struggling to get all the material on time. She got home at six o’clock, and Eileen was cooking something that smelled delicious. She wandered into the kitchen, and her mother pointed to the kitchen table without a word. Her answer from Harvard was sitting there. Pennie stared at it, afraid to touch the letter or open it.
“Oh my God, what’ll I do?” she asked her mother with huge eyes.
“Well, we could have it framed the way it is, unopened, and keep it the biggest mystery of your life.” Her mother smiled at her. The envelope was thick, which should mean good news, but Pennie didn’t want to assume anything and be crushed if they declined her. She picked it up in her hands and just held it for a minute, and then tore it open and squeezed her eyes shut.
“Will you open your eyes, for God’s sake? I can’t stand the suspense,” her mother said to her. Pennie opened her eyes and started reading. She didn’t have far to go. The letter began with a single word, “Congratulations!” Her mouth opened and her eyes opened wider. She stood still as a statue, and then leapt in the air with a bloodcurdling scream. Both her brothers hurtled down the stairs immediately, as Pennie threw her arms around her mother and lifted her off her feet.
“What happened?” Seth asked breathlessly, as he stormed into the kitchen with Mark behind him.
“I got in! I got in! I got in!” she was screaming as Seth rolled his eyes.
“We thought Mom had cut off a finger or something, or had a heart attack.” They were all forbidden to touch her professional knife set, which she had in a leather case.
“So where did you get in?” Seth asked her.
“I got into Harvard!” she screamed again. Her brother beamed at her, Mark high-fived her, and Eileen stood smiling at all of them, and wiped the tears off her cheeks with h
er apron. It had been a beautiful and unforgettable moment.
Pennie went to call her father and all her friends, and then texted Tim in California. He answered immediately and congratulated her. It was one of the high points of her life, and she knew she would remember it forever. She called her school advisor on his cellphone, and thanked him for his glowing recommendation.
“You did this yourself, you know,” Eileen reminded her, “with all that hard work and studying, all the parties you didn’t go to, and your essays were fantastic.” She had done three different ones that she used for different schools. “This is a wonderful accomplishment. You should be very proud of yourself. I’m very, very proud of you.” Eileen started crying again, and then laughed through her tears. They were tears of joy.
Pennie filled out the paperwork that night, including the form for housing in the dorms, and she declined all the others who had accepted and wait-listed her to free up the spaces for other students. She mailed all the envelopes on Monday morning on the way to school. She felt as though a thousand-pound weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She had been tense for a month waiting to hear. Almost all her classmates had heard by then, some with happier results than others. But most of them knew where they would be going now. It made every day bittersweet as the students thought of leaving each other. It made her think of Tim, and how he had felt when he heard from Stanford, and her own mixed feelings about breaking up with him. And then the baby had happened, and they’d almost gotten married. She wondered what their life would have been like if they had, and if they’d have stayed together after she lost the baby. It had been so overwhelming, and he had been so nice about it.
She hadn’t dated anyone for all of senior year, and hadn’t wanted to. She had turned a lot of nice boys down. She didn’t even have a date for senior prom, and had said she wasn’t going. She had wanted to put any romantic possibilities on hold. She was terrified of the risk of another pregnancy, and couldn’t face it. She knew that even girls who took the pill got pregnant sometimes, if they missed one and didn’t realize it, or took it at irregular hours. One girl she knew had taken an antibiotic for strep throat, which canceled out her birth control pill’s effectiveness and she got pregnant. Pennie had decided to take a break for the year and stick with abstinence, although there were one or two boys she would have gone out with, if the pregnancy with Tim hadn’t happened. She had never asked him again after the first time if he had a girlfriend, although she suspected he probably did, but she didn’t want to know, and he never told her. He treated her with caution and compassion, and the love he still felt for her, even now. He had been deeply affected by what happened too.
The Numbers Game Page 17