Valentine Present and Other Diabolical Liberties

by Lynda Renham

  I look at him sharply and the distrust in his eyes sends a sharp pain through me. He thinks I’m a gold-digger and a liar, and there is no way I can redeem myself. Of all the men to discover I am a fake why did it have to be him?

  ‘It’s not what you think?’ I say, realising I sound just like Hamilton when he first approached me.

  ‘Isn’t it? You’re seriously telling me you’re not deceiving anyone here?’

  Oh hell, if only I could explain.

  ‘Harriet,’ calls Hamilton.

  I turn from Brice with a sigh and begin to make my way towards Hamilton and his grandmother. Okay, you just to need to remember you’re just back from launching your new jewellery collection called Harriet’s in New York. It has yet to take off here. I of course support the Tories and I read sociology at Cambridge. That’s a joke. I’m barely managing to read Social Sciences at Marlborough Mansions with all the stress. I’m an expert horsewoman with a great love of hunting. Yeah right. I’m just getting over the death of my goldfish, I couldn’t hunt a poor fox. I’m really not going to pull this off am I? I look behind and my eyes make contact with Brice Edmund’s. My heart quickens and for a few seconds I find myself wishing that life could be different. You know, the kind of different where the three Jacks don’t exist and the kind of different where I don’t work in a laundrette, and the kind of different where I am the Harriet who owns the jewellery business and not the Harriet who in a few minutes will lie to everyone about the woman I really am. Why now? Why now has this man come into my life? And of course the truth is because the three Jacks exist and because I now have to be a different Harriet to get Julian and I out of debt. If the three Jacks hadn’t come into Julian’s life then Brice Edmunds wouldn’t have come into mine. I stop in front of the wheelchair and a hush falls over the room and all that can be heard is the music playing softly in the background. Sebastian approaches us and lays a hand on my shoulder.

  ‘Harriet, what can we tempt you with?’ he says, gesturing to Cedric.

  ‘Harriet is a champagne cocktail girl, isn’t that right darling?’ says Hamilton sliding an arm around my waist.

  I feel myself tense and hope he doesn’t notice. Right now I’m a give me anything with alcohol in it girl. Anything to numb this whole experience but I accept the champagne cocktail gratefully and fight back the urge to knock it back in one.

  ‘I’ll have a Bloody Mary,’ barks Grandmother, making me jump out of my skin.

  No wonder the cat is so bloody demented.

  ‘So you’re Harriet, like cats do you?’

  Generally, but your one is the exception to the rule.

  ‘Adore them,’ I lie, gingerly patting little Diamond who purrs happily. The two-faced little bugger.

  She grabs my hand.

  ‘Let’s go into dinner. You can sit next to me. MELANIE,’ she shouts.

  Lady Lancaster practically trips over her dress in her haste to reach Margarita Lancaster’s wheelchair.

  ‘Rearrange the seating. I want Harriet next to me and Hamilton the other side. Put Brice opposite and for heaven’s sake keep the Major away from me, the man drives me insane.’

  She turns back to me.

  ‘Harriet, wheel me in please.’

  I look back to see Brice Edmunds watching me intently.

  ‘It’s going very well so far,’ whispers Hamilton.

  Bloody hell, what bleeding planet is he on?

  ‘About as well as executions can go,’ I whisper.

  He gives me an odd look and follows us into the magnificent dining room. It’s terribly impressive with shimmering crystal and candlelight. I’ve never seen so much crystal in my life. Beautiful chandeliers hang from the ceiling and stuffed stags’ heads with antlers adorn each of the four walls. The dining table shimmers under the candlelight and is set out like a banquet. A manservant pulls back a chair for me and I realise all the men are waiting for me to sit. I blush and take my seat. I must try and get a grip and be more positive. Just ignore Brice Edmunds. After all what can he accuse me of? Buying clothes from Oxfam and talking differently the last time he saw me and of course, having slightly larger breasts than at our previous meeting. It’s not against the law to have big breasts is it? I mean, it’s not a crime. Oh God, what if he mentions Julian though? No, he’s probably even forgotten I said my boyfriend’s name was Julian. I mean, people don’t really listen to what you say do they? I could well have been talking about Hamilton. I sigh with relief. I don’t know what I have been worrying about. He can’t even accuse me of not having my own business. Hamilton is quite right it is all going very well. I must stop worrying and calm down, otherwise I will blow the whole thing.

  ‘So, we all get to meet you at last Harriet,’ booms Hamilton’s father. ‘Major, you haven’t been introduced to Hamilton’s girlfriend have you? Harriet this is Major Bates.’

  The Major stands up and leans drunkenly across the table towards me. Good grief, he is pissed already and we haven’t even started dinner. Margarita Lancaster sniffs loudly.

  ‘Jolly nice to meet you,’ he slurs, raising his bushy eyebrows and staring at my breasts. The creep is almost dribbling. I tactfully ignore his outstretched hand and smile politely. He’s the ugliest man I have ever met, his nose and cheeks are bright red, and he stinks of wine. How can anyone have a name like Major Bates? It’s criminal. He continues to stare at me with his puffy eyes until Sir Sebastian pushes him back into his seat.

  ‘So how is the gout?’ he asks as the Major gestures for the butler to refill his wine glass.

  ‘Getting worse I imagine,’ snaps Margarita who then tuts as a bowl of soup is placed in front of her.

  ‘What is this?’ she demands.

  ‘Cock-a-leekie,’ Lady Hamilton says anxiously. ‘I thought …’

  ‘Not the soup, the china. Where’s my china? I asked them specifically to put the china out that Garret and I brought back from Asia.’

  ‘Oh, I forgot to ask Lionel, I’ll …’ Melanie says getting more flustered by the minute.

  ‘You’ve been to Asia,’ I say unable to hide the excitement in my voice. Has everyone is this family been to Asia?

  Margarita turns to me, a half smile on her lips.

  ‘I’ve been all round the world my dear.’

  The Major begins to talk to Brice and the table begins to settle into the meal and I relax a bit more.

  ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Asia. I have this …’

  Hamilton glares at me.

  ‘Penchant for travel,’ he interrupts. ‘She’s always on a plane. The jewellery business is taking off very well isn’t it Harry?’

  Shit, that’s my first slip up. It’s only a matter of time really isn’t it? They’ll see through me and that will be it for Julian. His bullet-ridden body will be found in the blood-soaked boot of the Pooch. I pick up my roll and go to dip it into my soup when I see Brice Edmunds watching me. I smile at him and break the roll in half and take a small bite before spooning some soup into my mouth. Shit, this is harder than I thought it would be.

  ‘I couldn’t stand the place,’ mumbles the Major, slurping his soup. ‘Everyone eating damn crickets and beetles. Blooming awful place if you ask me. How you do it Brice old man I’ll never know.’

  I look up at Brice. Blimey, do what exactly? Eat crickets and beetles?

  ‘I agree, and as for that boat …’ begins Hamilton.

  ‘Oh yes, I will be,’ bellows Major Bates. ‘I rather think that old chap Cameron will get in again. After all we can’t have the country run by that other mob. They’ll be council houses popping up all over the place.’

  He burps loudly and rubs his fat belly. I try not to look too disgusted. What a cheek. My parents live in a very nice council house thank you very much. Not that I am a Labour supporter. Frankly I think they’re all as bad as each other. But what’s wrong with a council house?

  ‘Boat Major, not vote,’ laughs Hamilton, glancing sideways at me.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong w
ith the boat actually. It might not be a yacht but it serves its purpose,’ says Brice chewing his roll so sensually that it’s almost arousing.

  ‘Not everyone can live in a stately home,’ I say before I’ve even realised I’ve said it.

  There is an embarrassing silence and all eyes turn to me. Major Bates looks flustered and peers at me with his bloodshot eyes.

  ‘I suppose you’re right. Can’t have everyone in mansions can we. Who’d wait at table, what?’

  What a snob. I’ve a good mind to …

  ‘I imagine having read sociology at Cambridge you have strong opinions on the structure of our society, and politics in general,’ says Brice Edmunds with a smirk on his face.

  Why is he doing this to me? I feel an overwhelming urge to cry and struggle to hold back my tears. Margarita looks intently at me.

  ‘Don’t discuss politics at the table Brice. It raises my blood pressure,’ she snaps.

  I lean back as Cedric removes my soup bowl. I’m somewhat relieved that’s over. Holding a spoon is ten times worse than a knife and fork.

  ‘I’d lose those nails if I were you darling. They’re more like claw extensions than false nails, and if you’re not careful you’re more likely to gouge someone’s eyes out and it may well be poor little Diamond’s,’ Margarita whispers.

  Don’t give me ideas. Diamond glares at me with evil green eyes. Honestly, if I didn’t know better I’d say he was the devil incarnate.

  ‘Besides they make you look predatory rather than glamorous,’ she continues.

  ‘I’d love nothing better than to whip the bleeding things off …’ I whisper in return and stop. Her eye catches mine and I pull a face.

  Sod it. I just knew I’d bugger it up somewhere. She raises her eyebrows and purses her lips but I can’t tell if it’s disapproving or not. There is so much noise as the waiters dish up the main course that I feel sure no one else overheard us.

  ‘As for those breasts, well my dear, you could feed half of Africa with those.’

  I stop myself from choking on my wine.

  ‘You have a wonderful home,’ I say in a feeble attempt to gloss things over.

  ‘Oh,’ she says dismissively. ‘This is just a small estate my dear. Heavens, when I think of how large Glenwood once was. Of course we gave away a lot of the land. My son is not financially minded and one gets into difficulties.’

  Difficulties, is she serious? I can tell her about difficulties. I bet no one has ever threatened Sir Sebastian’s ears, or made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. That bloody cat would be the first thing to end up in a box if they did. Mind you there isn’t any offer they can’t refuse is there? Not with all their millions.

  ‘So, do you think we are less of a classless society now Harriet? For instance do you feel the division between the working classes and the upper classes is narrowing or widening?’ pushes Brice Edmunds. ‘I’d be interested in your expert knowledge.’

  ‘Do we have to talk politics at the table,’ smiles Melanie. ‘One always argues don’t you think.’

  I lift my head and meet his stare head on.

  ‘In my expert opinion, to discuss such matters over a family dinner seems not only rude but highly inappropriate in front of those one might offend,’ I say inclining my head slightly to Emily and Cedric who stand expressionless at the back of the room.

  Christ, did I say all that and in that voice? My elocution teacher would be proud if only she were here. Brice lifts his eyebrows slightly and gives me a small nod. He is so handsome. In fact he looks quite exquisite in candlelight, like some kind of god.

  ‘Quite right Harriet,’ says Margarita and in the next breath clicks her fingers at Emily. ‘It’s time for Diamond’s treat, see to it will you?’

  Emily nods and gives me a cheeky smile.

  ‘Do you have cats?’ asks Margarita.

  She must be kidding. I can barely feed myself at the moment let alone a stupid cat.

  ‘No, I’m far too busy to give it the love and attention it needs,’ I smile.

  ‘They don’t take much looking after. Independent creatures are cats. Diamond is an Abyssinian.’

  So that’s what you call frenzied uncontrolled cats these days is it?

  ‘Yes, how do you find the time to do everything? Hamilton was telling us that you barely get a break from work,’ asks Melanie, who had so far only eaten a third of a bread roll, while I’m struggling not to wolf everything down as quickly as possible. After all I’m never going to eat like this again am I? Even with all my debts paid off I won’t exactly be feasting on salmon, unless you count salmon fishcakes, which is not quite the same is it? Cedric removes my salmon starter and replaces it with duck in orange sauce, fluffy mashed potatoes, and offers an assortment of vegetables. I’ve never eaten duck in my life. I’ve fed them, but never actually eaten them. I feel rather guilty at even considering it.

  ‘Are these from the shoot last week,’ bellows Major Bates, spitting bits of bread over Melanie’s floral laced bodice.

  She brushes herself down delicately and grimaces at Sir Sebastian. I stop with my fork halfway to my mouth. They shot the poor little thing on its home ground? That’s just barbaric. Just when the poor little bugger felt safe, they shot the little sod. Oh I hate these people. What am I doing here? I should stand my ground, stick to my principles and all that. Except I’m in no position to have any principles am I? We all sit silently and eat. Just as I start to relax Brice says,

  ‘Harriet is an expert …’

  I swear I shall stuff a roll so far down his throat in a minute.

  ‘I’ve got an announcement to make,’ butts in Hamilton.

  ‘What are you doing?’ I say through clenched teeth.

  ‘I was going to wait until after dessert …’

  I so wish he had.

  ‘But I wanted to tell everyone that I asked Harriet to marry me and she has amazingly agreed to take me on.’

  Like the fool that I am.

  ‘I bet she has,’ says Brice cynically.

  Everyone goes silent apart from Major Bates who continues to masticate noisily. Then Melanie suddenly jumps up and enfolds me in a warm hug, covering me in a cloud of perfume. I fight back a sneeze.

  ‘Oh that’s just wonderful, Cedric, Cedric,’ she calls. ‘Open the champagne immediately. Isn’t this wonderful news Margarita?’

  ‘Congratulations son,’ grins Sir Sebastian ‘and welcome to the family Harriet.’

  Hamilton grins like a Cheshire cat. I glance sideways to see Margarita looking at me.

  ‘And why would you want to marry my lazy lump of a grandson?’ she asks.

  Melanie fights back a gasp and Hamilton sighs heavily. Sir Sebastian seems to make a feeble attempt to stand up but Melanie puts a restraining hand on his arm and he sits back down immediately. Cedric approaches with the champagne and Melanie indicates for him to wait. This is it, this is the moment when I am exposed for the fraud that I am. I try to look her in the eye but of course I can’t because I know I will be lying. Instead I focus on her dark hair which is peppered with grey and perfectly drawn back into a beautiful knot at the nape of her neck. Her brown watery eyes study me but there is a glint in them. Yes, why would I want to marry Margarita’s lazy lump of a grandson? Where do I start? Do I mention my boyfriend’s penis/tongue/ears and the fact that he may be hanging upside down in someone’s freezer minus all three. Or shall I just give a censored version of Harriet and the three Jacks, or the tale of There once was a little goldfish. No perhaps not. She waits patiently and I feel an awful urge to tell the truth.

  ‘Well, what can I say from the moment he propositioned me …’

  Hamilton’s head snaps up with a crack. Major Bates lifts his bushy eyebrows. I was certainly right to have him down as a bucking pervert as Mrs Mollard would say. Margarita cocks her head to one side.

  ‘Harriet,’ says Hamilton nervously, ‘what are …’

  ‘With a business offer for some jewellery …’ I add.


  Well I can’t put the poor sod in it now can I? What a tangled web we weave. Talking about weaving, that bloody Diamond is rolling all around the floor at my feet with the gold chain of my very expensive clutch bag in his mouth. If the little git goes for my dress I swear I shall kick him all the way to the pet cemetery and back. Margarita laughs and Melanie lets out a relieved sigh.

  ‘I knew I couldn’t resist him,’ I finish with a smile. That’s not too far from the truth is it?

  Brice stands up abruptly.

  ‘Excuse me. I have to make a phone call,’ he says sharply.

  ‘At this very moment?’ asks Margarita. ‘We’re in the middle of dinner.’

  He nods.

  ‘Yes, Grandmother at this very moment, will you excuse me.’

  He’s probably going to phone someone superior to have me thrown out on my ear. Oh Jesus, why is it ears seem to come into everything?

  ‘So, when is this wedding and how much is it going to cost us?’ asks Margarita pointedly. ‘And talking of jewellery, where is the ring?’

  Yes, just where is my ring Hamilton? He puts an arm affectionately around his grandmother’s shoulders.

  ‘I was thinking of great grandmother’s ring. Do you remember?’

  Major Bates tucks his serviette further down his shirt, and gestures to Cedric for a top-up.

  ‘It all seems a bit rushed if you ask me,’ he murmurs.

  God, how many more hours before the weekend is over? I hope he isn’t staying overnight.

  ‘Well, no one asked you did they,’ Margarita growls. ‘And I think you’ve drunk more than enough of our best claret don’t you?’

  He plonks his glass down, scratches his neck self-consciously and mumbles.

  ‘Where’s the Eton Mess anyway? I was looking forward to that.’

  Like he hasn’t made enough of his own mess, and what the hell is Eton Mess when it’s at home, and if Hamilton thinks I’m eating something with a name like that he can think again.

  ‘What do you think Sebastian? Your grandmother’s ring is, after all, just sitting in a box. Melanie turned her nose up at it …’ grumbles Margarita.