Humor in Uniform
Page 12
— JAMES S. HOUK II
My brother, Shawn, was working the graveyard shift on an Air Force security detail in Germany when he fell asleep against the wheel of his vehicle. He was awakened only when the guard shack announced over his radio that his relief had arrived. “Get a good night’s sleep?” my brother was asked by his sergeant back at the shack. “Oh, no, sir, I was wide awake,” Shawn replied. “What makes you think I was sleeping?” “Airman,” the sergeant said. “Look in the mirror.” My brother looked in the mirror and grinned sheepishly when he saw the unmistakable Mercedes-Benz logo imprinted on his forehead.
— ROBERT F. FALCONER II
When a friend of mine was an Air Force base commander, he sent one of his formal, or “mess dress,” uniforms to a tailor for alterations. After a few days the seamstress, who had a heavy German accent, called his office to say the uniform was finished. The secretary wrote down the message and handed it to an enlisted man for delivery. The airman entered the commander’s office but was hesitant to say why he was there. The colonel asked what the young man wanted. Frustrated by his stammering, he ordered, “Out with it!” The enlisted man looked at him sheepishly and said, “Your mistress is ready.”
— WYNNE YOUNG
During an important military exercise, another Air Force member and I were working in a radar van under a simulated attack. We were under strict orders not to open the door unless we received the secret code, which we had been given at the morning briefing. Later in the day, we heard knocking at the door. Remembering our orders, I yelled out “Fort” and waited for the correct response, “Knox.” It never came. Several minutes later we heard more knocking, but again we didn’t receive the proper response. Over the course of the afternoon, various others came to the door and knocked, but no one gave us the correct password. Proud of ourselves for not being tricked into opening up to the enemy, we later received a phone call from a furious superior officer who told us to open the door immediately. After we explained that we were simply following orders, he informed us that the code was not “Fort Knox,” but four knocks.
— LYNDA C. LOVELL
I was standing at attention with a number of other recruits outside an airport in San Diego, eagerly awaiting the bus that would take us to Marine Corps boot camp. But our enthusiasm began to wane, and a creeping feeling of apprehension took its place. So it was no surprise when I heard a young man behind me say, “I think I’ve made a mistake.” Not wishing to break my military bearing, I stared straight ahead and softly said out of the side of my mouth, “I know what you mean, but I’m trying to remain optimistic. I figure it’s only 12 weeks, and it will all be worth it when we graduate and become Marines.” “Thanks for clearing that up,” came the whispered reply. “I thought this was the line for my rental-car shuttle bus.”
— DAMIAN ROSSITTIS
“Are we there yet?”
Shortly after my cousin joined the Navy, my aunt repeatedly warned him about the dangers of getting a tattoo. To placate her, my cousin reluctantly agreed to call her should he ever contemplate getting one. The dreaded call finally came. My aunt thanked him for keeping his word, then surprisingly gave him her blessing without further questioning. My cousin was surprised at her attitude and pressed her for the reason she agreed so quickly. With a deep sigh of resignation, my aunt replied, “Because your younger sister came home with one the other day.”
— B. FOLISI
Our six-week training camp at Fort Bragg, N.C., was capped by a traditional military graduation ceremony. With all of the families gathered in the stands, our commanding general watched the formation from his podium. After the Army Band played the national anthem, a three-cannon salute to the colors boomed across the parade grounds. The general was due to speak next, but his remarks were delayed—until the wailing of dozens of car alarms ended.
— DENNIS W. LAHMANN
As a professor at the Air Force Institute of Technology, I taught a series of popular courses on software engineering. The program was highly competitive and difficult to get into, but one prospective student made our decision whether to accept him quite simple. When asked to fax over his college transcript, the student told me, “Well, I would, but it’s the only copy that I’ve got.”
— JIM SKINNER
A friend had just completed Marine Corps recruit training at Parris Island, S.C., when his grandparents came to visit. Eager to show how proud they were of their young Marine, the couple went to a store where the grandfather bought a T-shirt emblazoned with the Marine Corps emblem. He immediately put it on before returning to the base, but soon noticed he was getting odd looks from passers-by. Later, when the man looked more closely at his new shirt, he realized why. Above the emblem was printed, “My boyfriend is a Marine.”
— JOHN LICHTENWALNER
As a newly commissioned infantry lieutenant, I was eager to set an example for my platoon by cleaning my own M-16 rifle. While we were working on the weapons, one soldier complained about the unusual notched shape of the M-16’s bolt and chamber, which makes it difficult to clean. “Lieutenant, they need to make something to clean this with,” the soldier said. “They do,” piped up a sergeant. “Really,” I said with surprise, wondering why we had not ordered such a tool. “Yes, sir,” replied the sergeant. “It’s called a soldier.”
— CHARLES ANDERSON
While in the Army, my son Gabe attended POSH (Prevention of Sexual Harassment) classes. During one session, the sergeant said to his men, “Before you tell a joke, ask yourselves, What would my mother think?” Gabe replied, “Sergeant, there’s a problem with that.” “What is it?” “If I listened to what my mother had to say, I wouldn’t have joined the Army in the first place.”
— ANGELA TRAYNOR
My nephew, Chris, was assigned to drive in a truck convoy one night while serving in the Marine Corps. When he pulled away, he noticed the truck behind him was following much too closely. When he sped up, so did the other truck. When he slowed down, so did the other truck. He became concerned that the other driver would cause an accident. When he turned a corner and pulled up to the guard station, he noticed that the driver behind him had cut the turn too sharply and knocked down part of the gate. “He’s been tailgating me since we left,” Chris explained to the guard. “And look, now he’s knocked down part of the gate.” The guard eyed him coolly and said, “Corporal, you are towing the truck behind you.”
— MARIE N. GOFORTH
The young training instructor at Lackland Air Force Base, fresh out of TI school, was doing everything by the book. Our group of 50 female basic trainees was gathered around as he showed us how to fold and hang our clothes military style. Using one of the women’s lockers as an example, he referred to his TI school guide, fumbling with T-shirts and socks as he attempted to fold them into the prescribed shapes. Taking another long glance at the book, he reached into the locker and pulled out a set of lacy women’s underwear. After a few awkward moments, he gave up. “Okay,” he said, “just fold them like your mother taught you.”
— DENISE L. FOX
A sergeant in my Army bomb-clearing detail was asked to conduct a class for a group of visiting officers. Needing a prop to demonstrate, the sergeant retrieved a live bomb from the impact area. One class member, a second lieutenant, seemed nervous about a live bomb being used for the demo. He kept interrupting the class with, “Sergeant, I know you’ve done this before, but are you sure that you’re doing it right?” After the fourth interruption, a voice called from the back of the room, “Lieutenant, I guarantee that in all your military career, you’ll never meet anyone who’s done this before and done it wrong!”
— DARRELL SMITH
While going through basic training in Texas, we were taught the Army’s phonetic alphabet. Once when being quizzed by our drill sergeant, I had to give the representation for the letter “m.” My mind went blank.
I reasoned that since the letter “p” was represented by Papa, then “m” must be Mama. Looking forlornly at the sergeant, I bellowed, “Mama!” “Son,” the sergeant responded, breaking into a grin, “even your mama can’t help you now!”
— JOE LEE STOREY
At sea aboard the USS Saipan, I was passing by the ship’s galley and overheard two sailors—a veteran and a new seaman—talking while they were on mess duty. “Hey, Bill,” asked the younger, “what’s the difference between a cook and a chef?” “Simple,” answered his shipmate, “a chef doesn’t have tattoos.”
— K. I. SEPP
Tinker Air Force Base in Oklahoma was readying for an important inspection. Part of the sidewalk in front of the base commander’s building was damaged, so a new section of concrete was poured to replace it. However, the new concrete did not match the darker color of the old sidewalk. Several remedies were suggested, but none could be completed in time for the inspection. “All right, men,” an exasperated captain said, “let’s smear some mud over the new section to match the colors.” “Congratulations, sir,” said the chief master sergeant. “Now you’re thinking like an enlisted man!”
— STEVEN A. HOSELTON
When I came back to the United States after a tour of duty with the Marines in Vietnam, I stayed with my parents for a 30-day leave. Mom’s rules were simple: I could come and go as I pleased, but I had to let her know when I returned home each night. After one long evening with friends, I crept into the house and didn’t knock on Mom’s door. Late the next morning when I came down for breakfast, she glared at me with icy silence. “Look, Mom,” I said, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you I got home safely last night, but what did you do all the time I was in Vietnam?” “Well,” she replied, “at least then I knew where you were!”
— BILL BRUCKNER
Huh?
When you’re stationed in Germany, you tend to have different priorities. A sign on our squadron’s microwave read: “Do not use when coffeemaker is on. The circuit breaker will blow up and catch the beer on fire.”
— DON HAMILTON
Stationed overseas with the Air Force, my wife and I collected miniature statues. Two of our favorites were replicas of the “Winged Victory” and “Venus de Milo.” When we returned to the States and unpacked our boxes, our attention was drawn to the container holding our collection. The military movers, in an effort to protect themselves from liability, had written on the outside of the box: “Small statues; two already damaged—one missing head, another missing arms.”
— LT. COL. LAYNE E. FLAKE
Before I could visit my daughter at her naval base in Japan, I was told I needed to supply her with some important information to give to security. The list included the following: passport number, height, weight, year of birth and anticipated hair color at time of arrival.
— DIXIE MCFARLAND
I drove my daughter to a weekend boot camp for teenagers sponsored by the Army. When we arrived, we didn’t know whom to talk to. We asked a guy at the front desk, who nodded vaguely toward one of the officers standing behind him. Seeing my confusion, he added, “You can’t miss him—he’s wearing camouflage.”
— K. L. CAMPBELL
My husband, daughter and son-in-law are active in the Civil Air Patrol, the auxiliary of the Air Force. Recently they all attended a state conference, where my daughter told me her father would be receiving an award. The evening of the banquet, my husband called home, and I asked how it was going. “Oh, pretty good,” he said, and we chatted about it. I wondered why he didn’t say anything about the award, but, fearing that he hadn’t gotten it after all, I didn’t mention it. When he returned home, he said very little except that everything had gone quite well. “So, did anything special happen?” I prodded, wondering if I should just come out and ask him about the award. Finally he produced a plaque from his bag. On it was inscribed: “Communicator of the Year.”
— NANCY POLLOCK
Bumper sticker: “To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither is Marine Corps policy.”
— TOM FRONCEK
Fort Monmouth in New Jersey was expecting a visit from a prominent two-star general. My husband, Bob, was in charge of decorating the lawn in front of the building where the festivities were going to be held. He had arranged to have an old, retired tank and some fake land mines placed near the entrance. Bob was standing there, overseeing the task, when an uninformed passerby paused, looked over the scene and remarked to him, “Gee, I guess they’re really serious about not wanting us to walk on the grass.”
— KIM LABARBIERA
Another Language?
My husband was telling me about a news item he heard on National Public Radio about how the U.S. military is enlisting honeybees to find land mines. The insects are trained to react to the scent of TNT, then are fitted with transmitters and sent out to search for underground explosives. “When they smell TNT,” my husband explained, “the insects hover over the area and the military tracks them to the site to safely eliminate the land mine.” “Gee,” I remarked, “it gives a whole new meaning to the slogan ‘Be all that you can be!’ ”
— ANITA RAYMOND
While standing watch in the Coast Guard station in Juneau, Alaska, I got a call from the Navy in the nearby city of Adak. They had lost contact with one of their planes, and they needed the Coast Guard to send an aircraft to go find it. I asked the man where the Navy aircraft had last been spotted so we would know where to search. “I can’t tell you,” the Navy man said. “That’s classified.”
— ALFRED MILES
My youngest brother, Tony, had just completed basic training and was home on leave prior to his first tour in Germany. Since I was an Army National Guard pilot and my other brother was my crew chief, we offered to take Tony to catch his transport overseas. When we landed at McGuire Air Force Base, several of Tony’s fellow privates came out to greet him. Tony ran ahead, while my other brother and I followed with his gear. As Tony approached his buddies, he was bewildered by their dumbfounded stares. Finally, he realized his friends weren’t seeing his two brothers giving him a lift; they were seeing a new private arrive in his own helicopter—with his captain and sergeant carrying his bags!
— GLEN H. WILLIAMS
Stationed in Okinawa, Japan, my son and his wife were expecting their first baby. I was elated when he called me at work with the wonderful news of my grandchild’s birth. I took down all the statistics and turned to relate it all to my coworkers. “I’m a grandmother!” I declared. “It’s a baby girl, and she weighs five pounds.” “When was she born?” someone asked. Recalling the date my son told me, I stopped, looked at the calendar and said in amazement, “Tomorrow!”
— J. M. TURK
When I was in the Coast Guard at a small boat station in Hancock, Mich., the commanding officer announced that the admiral from the 9th Coast Guard District was coming to see us the next day to speak on gender equality. Then he added, “I would like your wives to make a dish for the potluck supper.”
— TODD SHAFER
A quiet evening of guard duty at Camp Pendleton, Calif., turned hairy when my son and his buddy saw a pair of luminous eyes staring back at them. It slinked toward them . . . a cougar. Retreating slowly, my son radioed the base. “We’re being followed by a cougar,” he said softly. “What do we do?” A voice responded, “Get the license plate number, and we’ll send over some MPs.”
— DENISE CHAFFIN
* * *
I had just been assigned to an Air Force fighter base in Arizona. I knew the culture would be different from the Ohio logistics base where I came from. One day I was playing golf, when a ball bounced just a few feet away from me. Instead of the customary “fore!” I heard someone yell, “Incoming!”
— ROBERT WIDO
* * *
Both my roommate and I are airborne
engineer lieutenants at Fort Bragg, N.C. While we were looking for a new house to move into, we came upon a home that had a huge, open backyard. My roommate called me outside as I was inspecting the living room. “Hey, check this out,” she yelled. “We’ve got our own drop zone back here!”
— BOB GORDON
Seen on a Coast Guard bumper sticker: “Support Search and Rescue . . . Get Lost!”
— CHRISTINA BURBANK
Come Again?
We were in the barracks when two guys threw down the gauntlet: 100 bucks to anyone who could do 150 push-ups. My friend disappeared into the latrine and returned minutes later, saying, “I’ll take that bet.” He got down on the floor and reached 50 before collapsing. “I don’t get it,” he said, gasping for air. “I just did 200 in the latrine.”
— STEPHEN BEDICS
To bolster security at our Army post in Germany, we initiated Random Access Control Measures at our gates. This meant stopping and checking cars at various times of the day, resulting in terrible traffic. One senior officer came up with a solution: “We need more predictability in our randomness.”
— JEFFREY CHURCH
Gen. George Armstrong Custer is buried on the grounds of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Since I was driving through the area, I decided to pay my respects. At the gate, the distracted young MP put down her book, checked my ID and asked the purpose of my visit. I explained that I was there to visit General Custer. As she picked up her book, she asked, “And is the general expecting you?”