by Rona Halsall
‘I’m running a bloody business,’ he’d snapped. ‘Trying to be professional. And it doesn’t look great if there’s someone in the background shouting through the door. I’ve got video meetings going on.’ She’d thought she was being supportive, but the force of his stare had made her feel two inches tall. ‘You’re making me look like an amateur.’
She’d winced, completely understanding his point. Her cheeks felt like they were on fire and she’d hung her head, not wanting him to see the tears welling up. He’d relented then, put a hand on her shoulder and given it a rub. ‘Sorry, love. I didn’t mean to have a go at you. I know you’re trying to help, but the best thing is to just leave me to it. This is a sensitive business I’m dealing with and it’s taken me a while to persuade the client that I have the correct safeguards in place to ensure their data will be secure. You shouting that you’ve got a cup of tea for me sort of undermines everything I’m trying to do here.’
She’d pressed her lips together, clenching her teeth as her emotions built to a crescendo. She took little breaths through her nose, counting backwards in her head, a technique she had for fighting off tears. It was a trick her mother had taught her after one of her boyfriends had given Sara a whack for having a meltdown about something.
Matt’s voice had droned on, a background noise, while she counted. ‘I’ve got Josh coming to put a sink in next week, then I can make my own brews. In the meantime, I’ll sort myself out. Okay?’
When she noticed that he’d stopped talking she’d nodded, still too choked-up to speak. It was so hard to do the right thing at the moment. If she left him to his own devices, he was all cheery and chirpy, but as soon as she tried to help in any way, she was either fussing or interfering. He definitely didn’t want her involved in his business, and that hurt, given her qualifications.
She understood that he was a control freak about his work and consoled herself that it was just his nature, nothing to do with her. He wanted to get it right. Wanted to secure this first contract, then their money worries would be a thing of the past and he could be the breadwinner again, the figurehead of his family. She wanted to do her utmost to make sure he succeeded, in the hope that family life might return to a semblance of normality. So on the whole she did as he asked and left him to it, even if it did go against the nurturing side of her nature.
Now, with his mug of tea in her hand, she remembered the conversation and did a U-turn back to the kitchen, hoping he hadn’t heard her, ready to deny she’d even been there. Who was the woman he was talking to, though? She tipped his tea down the sink and rinsed the cup, so he wouldn’t know of her mistake.
Shaking the question from her mind, she sat back down at the table and remembered that her earlier question had gone unanswered. Why was Hailey here in the first place?
‘Did Matt ring you? Ask you to come round?’ She frowned. ‘Because that’s not fair if he did.’
Hailey took a big glug of her tea, put her mug down. ‘No. I’ve been having a bit of a clear-out now Cassie’s away. I was sorting through her clothes and there’s loads of stuff she’s grown out of that I thought might fit the girls.’
‘Oh, right. Good. Thank you.’ It wasn’t what Sara was expecting to hear and it put her on the back foot for a moment. She looked around for bags of clothes. ‘Go on then, let’s have a look at what you’ve got.’
Hailey gave an embarrassed laugh, a flush of pink colouring her cheeks. ‘That’s the stupid thing. I packed it all up in bags and managed to leave them at home. Honestly, I’d forget my head if it wasn’t screwed on.’
Sara stared at her sister, who was picking at a bit of egg that was stuck to the table, left over from breakfast. She had the definite feeling there was something Hailey wasn’t telling her, the clothes an excuse to cover up the real reason why she was in her house. But then I’m not being up-front either, am I?
She chewed at her lip – on the brink of telling Hailey what she’d done – then stopped herself. Hailey worked in a position of trust and had a close relationship with the police, several of the young people she worked with being ex-offenders or deemed to be at risk of offending. What if she tells me to confess or go to the police? She gave an involuntary shiver, knew she couldn’t risk it. She couldn’t quiz Hailey about the real reason she was in her house either, because getting secrets out of her sister was a tricky challenge at the best of times – she had a tendency to go on the attack, winning arguments between them by shouting the loudest, which would upset Ezra. Ruin the whole evening trying to settle him down again.
They drank their tea in silence, Sara thinking that her life was veering out of control, the people around her dancing to a tune she couldn’t hear, moving to a rhythm she couldn’t grasp. She rubbed the muscles at the back of her neck, where the tension tended to knot them together, staring at the table, eyes unfocused as her thoughts whirled on a continuous loop.
‘I’m not sure this full-time working is doing you any good,’ Hailey said, apropos of nothing. Sara glanced across at her, saw concern in her eyes. ‘You’re looking stressed. What you need is a spa day. A bit of pampering and relaxation.’
Sara huffed. ‘Chance would be a fine thing. It’s not something we can afford at the moment. And I’m fine, thanks.’ She gave her sister a watery smile. ‘Honestly. It’s just a new routine, that’s all. With all the changes, it’s taking time to settle into the swing of things.’
Hailey finished her tea and stood up. ‘Well, I’ll get out of your hair.’ She slung her bag over her shoulder and grinned. ‘See you at football practice on Thursday.’
Sara watched her go, so many concerns filling her head, all the unanswered questions building up to create an almighty headache. She got up and found some paracetamol in the cupboard, swallowed them down and massaged her temples.
As a mother, she’d always been at the heart of her family, but since Matt had started his business and she’d been working full-time, she felt on the edge of everything, out of touch with her family’s lives.
Something’s going to change, she promised herself.
Chapter Thirteen
Once the paracetamol had begun to take effect and her headache had subsided, Sara was clearer about how to put her world to rights. She was not going to do anything too confrontational, nothing up-front and accusatory, even though a voice in her head was shouting at her to ask her family over their evening meal what the bloody hell was going on and why none of them were talking to her about it.
She would bide her time, wait for the right moment.
Typically, the girls and Matt disappeared as soon as they’d eaten, while she was still struggling to get Ezra to finish off the last of his vegetables. Once he was settled in bed, though, she popped her head round the door of the girls’ room, where they were lying on the floor watching something on the laptop.
She noticed their wide eyes, the shocked expressions when they saw her in the doorway, before Amelia tapped a few keys and slammed the laptop shut. Sara frowned. What were they watching? They had parental controls on the internet, but she was never sure how effective they were. The girls seemed to be addicted to YouTube, people playing practical jokes and doing weird tricks. Or they watched football training. That was what they told her anyway.
‘Mum, you can’t just walk in,’ Sophia snapped. ‘You’ve got to knock!’
Amelia’s face was blotchy – red round the eyes like she’d been crying – and she turned away, got up and started tidying the clothes that lay strewn all over her bed. She was the messy one. Sophia was the opposite. Two halves of a whole.
‘Since when?’ Sara asked, hands on her hips. This was the first she’d heard of it, and she objected to Sophia’s tone of voice.
‘Since we stopped being little girls,’ Sophia said, sitting back on her heels.
‘You all right, Milly?’ Sara advanced into the room, concerned that Amelia was upset, but she turned round with a big grin on her face.
‘’Course I am. We were just w
atching these funny videos and it made me laugh so much I was crying. Didn’t you hear us? Soph told me off for being too loud in case I woke Ezra.’
Sara studied her face, knew there was more to it. She sat on Amelia’s bed, next to the pile of clothes. ‘I just wanted to thank you both for all the extra jobs you’ve being doing round the house since I’ve been working more. It’s been a big help.’
The girls shared a look. Sophia leant against her bed. Amelia went to sit next to her. ‘That’s okay,’ Amelia said with a sniff, bowing her head as she swiped her hands across her face. Sara wasn’t buying the crying-with-laughter story. She knew her daughter, and Amelia was definitely upset.
‘Look, you two. I know there’s something going on. And I just wish…’ She stopped herself, the tone all wrong. Tried again, her voice softer, the accusation gone. ‘I want you to know that I’m here for you both. If you’ve got a problem…’ she gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile, ‘well, I can help you.’
The girls stared at her, nodded in unison, their faces blank. She waited. The silence filled her ears, tension crackling through the air like static.
‘I heard you say to Auntie Hailey that you’d been having a chat. It’s nice that you can do that, isn’t it?’
The girls nodded again.
‘But I’d really like it if you’d chat to me too.’ Emotion swelled in Sara’s chest, her voice cracking. ‘I just feel that recently I’ve been closed out of your lives, and I… well, I miss you.’
The girls looked uneasy now, shuffling closer together on the bed, Amelia’s arm snaking round Sophia’s waist. Solidarity.
‘You don’t have time to chat, Mum. That’s the problem,’ Sophia said eventually. ‘Auntie Hailey is used to talking to people our age. She knows what goes on.’
Sara frowned, hurt stabbing at her heart, making her voice waver. ‘We live together, I’ve known you all your lives. I’m used to talking to kids your age too, aren’t I?’
The girls glanced at each other.
‘And what does go on?’
‘It’s nothing,’ Amelia said, sounding a bit annoyed. ‘Just some lad playing jokes, that’s all. Auntie Hailey knows him – he’s one of the lads she looks after in her job – so that’s why it was good to talk to her. You wouldn’t…’
Sara swallowed her frustration, her voice shaking. ‘I wouldn’t what?’
Amelia looked away, picked at her peeling nail varnish. ‘Nothing.’
‘But it is something, isn’t it?’
‘Don’t go on, Mum,’ Sophia said, glaring at her. She put an arm round her sister’s shoulders. ‘We’ve done nothing wrong. All we did was chat to Auntie Hailey. She was here, we talked to her. It would be bad manners to ignore her, wouldn’t it?’
Sara couldn’t argue with the logic and recognised that she wasn’t going to get any further. ‘Sorry.’ She smiled and backtracked – aware of how delicate a mother’s relationship with teenage daughters could be – and tiptoed back across the eggshells to firmer ground. ‘I’m not getting at anyone. Not at all. I just feel a bit left out these days.’
Sophia locked eyes with her before she spoke. ‘Well maybe if you were here, like you used to be, we’d be able to talk to you more.’
Sara closed her eyes for a moment, unable to meet the challenge of her daughter’s stare. Because it was true. ‘I have to work since Dad lost his job. I really don’t have a choice. And there’d be plenty of time to talk in the evenings if you weren’t stuck in here or over at Chelsea’s or…’ She was going to say ‘playing football’, but that was their passion, and she didn’t want them to feel bad about it. She forced a smile. In the past she would have suggested a shopping trip to Leeds, something they’d always enjoyed, but now money was tight, that was no longer an option. She’d have to have a think, see if she could come up with something that didn’t cost a lot but would feel like a treat and help them to bond again.
Maybe football’s the answer, she thought, as she stood up. The way we can reconnect. She’d left that side of things to Matt – it was his passion as well – and it was tricky keeping Ezra happy through a whole match so it was easier for her to go and do something different with him. She’d always thought it was nice for the girls and Matt to have a shared interest, but she realised now that she should have made more of an effort to be involved.
‘Well, I’ll definitely come to footie practice on Thursday,’ she said, with an enthusiastic grin. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’
Sophia snorted. ‘Bet you only do it once, Mum.’
Amelia wouldn’t look at her, and she could feel the weight of her daughters’ disappointment sitting on her shoulders. I’ve let them down, she thought as she said goodnight and left their room, closing the door behind her. She waited for a moment, but they were both silent, no doubt waiting to hear her footsteps walk down the hall before they said anything.
Still a mystery, then. But something’s bothering them.
She went back downstairs, made herself another cup of tea and rang Hailey. Best to do it while she was all fired up, otherwise it would get put off and she’d never get to the bottom of whatever was bothering the girls. It seemed to be Amelia’s problem, and Sophia was trying to help her sort it out. Or was she making assumptions? The two girls were so different, it was hard to know. Sophia had a hard exterior and a soft centre, and Amelia was more sensitive, wore her heart on her sleeve.
After a few rings, Hailey’s voicemail answered. Sara was about to leave a message, then decided that she probably wasn’t in the right frame of mind. It would come out all wrong. Like an accusation. Better to wait until Thursday. They’d have plenty of time to chat at football practice, and Hailey was less likely to get in a tizzy if there were other parents around. She nodded to herself. It was only two days away. Not long, and in the meantime, she’d keep a closer eye on the girls, see if she could find out what the problem really was.
She went into the lounge to watch TV while she waited for Matt to come in, but when the ten o’clock news began, her eyes started to close, tiredness engulfing her. She’d never imagined that working full-time would be so hard. In her mind it was a mental challenge, something she was desperate for, but she’d overlooked the sheer physical effort of getting three kids up and ready for school, feeding them, doing all the laundry and the shopping, keeping the house in some semblance of order and sorting out childcare when Matt couldn’t do it.
Thank goodness it’s only for a month, she thought as she turned off the TV and dragged herself up to bed. There was still no sign of Matt.
As she lay staring at the ceiling – the house still and quiet – she heard the murmur of conversation drift in through the open window. It sounded like it was coming from right underneath it, although it couldn’t be, because their house stood back from the road. A tinkling laugh. Just like the one she’d heard coming from the garage earlier.
Sound travels at night, she told herself, but she was wide awake now, ears straining to hear every sound. The click of heels, the clink of a gate opening and closing. That’s our gate. She was sure of it – the weird clang it made – and she clambered out of bed, rushed to the window and peeked out, but there was nobody to be seen in the darkness of the night.
The back door thumped shut. That couldn’t be a coincidence, Matt coming in just after someone had gone out of their gate.
Fired up, she hurried downstairs to the kitchen, where Matt was standing looking in the fridge, his hair sticking up all over the place. He turned when he saw her, gave a sheepish grin. ‘Just going to make some supper. I completely lost track of time out there.’
‘Who was that woman?’ She hadn’t meant to go on the attack, but she couldn’t help herself.
He frowned, looked confused. ‘What woman?’
‘The one who was in your office just now. I heard her leave.’ Sara’s voice was getting louder, higher, her finger jabbing the air.
He laughed, looked back in the fridge. ‘I think you must have been
dreaming, love. Nobody in the office except me.’ He pulled out a packet of ham and the tub of margarine, opened the bread bin and slapped a couple of slices of bread onto the worktop. He turned. ‘Shall I make you one as well?’ The kettle came to the boil. ‘Cuppa?’
His nonchalance whipped her anger away. She shook her head and made her way back to bed, thoroughly puzzled. Was I dreaming?
Chapter Fourteen
Sara woke the next day to the sound of Matt singing in the shower. She felt groggy and unsettled as she fumbled her way out of sleep. Working full-time was exhausting, and poor Matt had been doing it without a murmur of complaint for all these years. She hadn’t appreciated his efforts, she realised; had focused instead on her own niggles of discontent, always wanting a bit of what he had. Now she wasn’t sure why she’d felt like that. She wanted things to go back to how they were. Was that possible?
Be careful what you wish for. Who’d said that to her? It might have been Fiona. She had a saying for every occasion and liked her daily motivational posts, which popped up on her phone. Or maybe it was Hailey. She couldn’t remember, but it had struck her as an odd saying at the time. Now she understood. Thank goodness half-term was only two weeks away, at which point her full-time stint would have finished and she could take some time off. Then she’d take a step back and decide what she really wanted.
In her heart, she already knew. Family had to come first, and working full-time while Matt got his business going was part of keeping their home life stable. It was disruptive as well, though, because while she was out all day, the housework wasn’t being done, they kept running out of things, which meant a dash to the shops, the kitchen floor was… She stopped her mental list, knowing that she’d feel more despondent if she laid it all out.
Something’s got to change, she decided. And it meant a proper conversation with Matt. Although that might be a struggle, given the shift system they seemed to be working at the moment, never in the house at the same time without the kids around. No opportunity for a proper heart-to-heart.