by Rona Halsall
Thoroughly distracted, she stumbled out of bed when she heard Matt come out of the shower and passed him in the doorway, hardly awake enough to acknowledge his presence. A routine done on autopilot. She leant against the tiles, letting the hot water run over her body, shampooed her hair and thought about the corner she’d boxed herself into.
Her wage was the only money coming in to the house until Matt’s contract paid out, but they hadn’t spoken recently about where he was up to, and she wondered how much longer it would be. The mortgage payments would start again in a couple of months, and by that time, it would be the summer holidays. Maybe she’d have to continue her part-time hours through the break to keep some money coming in. But would Matt be happy with that when the kids were at home?
Already her head was throbbing as she tried to work out what was best for everyone.
When she got down to the kitchen, Matt was tucking into scrambled eggs on toast.
‘You’re up early,’ he said before stuffing another forkful of food in his mouth, eating like he had a train to catch and was running late.
She’d assumed that it was their regular getting-up time, but when she glanced at the kitchen clock, she saw it was an hour earlier than she’d thought. She groaned and flopped into a chair at the kitchen table. ‘What the…’ She checked the clock again to make sure. ‘You mean, on the one morning that Ezra has actually stayed asleep and not woken me up, I could have had another hour in bed?’ She dropped her elbows onto the table and cradled her head in her hands.
Matt got up and made her a coffee, slid it in front of her. ‘There you go, that’ll help.’
She sat back in her chair, hugging the mug to her chest, breathing in the welcome aroma, while she waited for it to cool. It was a moment before her brain cleared a little and she understood what was puzzling her. ‘Why are you up so early?’
Matt chewed his mouthful, swallowed. ‘I’d hit a bit of a roadblock. It’s a puzzle I needed to solve, but I think I just worked it out.’ He grinned at her. ‘Woke up at five, and ping, there it was, the answer. I just want to get on with it before I forget.’
She nodded, sipped her coffee and realised this was the moment she’d been waiting for. Just her and Matt, no kids. A chance to have a proper conversation. She cleared her throat. ‘You know, Matt, I hate to say this, but you were right about me going full-time. It’s not really working, is it? I never see you, and when I get time with the kids, I’m too tired to enjoy it. I don’t think it’s good for any of us.’
Matt stopped chewing and stared at her. She carried on, glad to have his full attention. ‘My full-time contract finishes in a couple of weeks, though, so it should get easier when I go back to part-time, but I was just wondering if—’
‘What do you mean, it finishes in a couple of weeks?’ He looked horrified.
She frowned, not sure why this came as a surprise to him. ‘I told you it was only temporary.’
He dropped his knife and fork onto his plate, pushed the remains of his breakfast away. ‘I’m nowhere near finishing this piece of work.’ He shook his head. ‘I need another month at least, and even that’s…’ He grimaced, ran a hand through his hair. ‘No, it’s going to take longer than that probably.’
Sara’s stomach swirled as the implications started to register. ‘Well, it’s half-term in a couple of weeks, and I’ve got to be home when the kids are off school.’
‘But we need the money, Sara, can’t you see that?’ He banged the table in frustration, making her jump, spilling hot coffee onto her lap. ‘We’ve got the delay on the mortgage, and the bank are happy with the extension to our overdraft, but all that was agreed on the basis of you working full-time. If money suddenly stops going into our account, we’ll be in real trouble.’ He wiped his hands over his face. ‘I’m so close to cracking this thing. So close. But I can’t do it if I’m under pressure.’
He stared at her. She stared back, icy fingers clawing at the nape of her neck.
‘So I’ve got to see if the community centre will keep me on full-time, is that what you’re saying?’
‘Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying. I’m sure the girls will help out with Ezra in the holidays, and I can work evenings like I do now. But honestly, Sara, I need to keep going with it. We’re talking a couple of months at the most, then it’ll be done.’
She bit her lip, the idea of missing half-term with the children almost too much to bear.
‘I thought you’d support me in this.’ His stare hardened, his voice sharpening. ‘I’ve done everything I could to support our family, and now I’m asking you to do for two months what I’ve done for years and you’re making a fuss.’
Sara shook her head, a tinge of desperation in her voice. ‘I’m not making a fuss. I’m just exhausted.’
He gave a frustrated sigh. ‘You wanted to work full-time. It’s what you’ve wanted ever since you started that job.’
‘I know, but I’ve got all the other jobs to do as well. Me working full-time is not the same as you working full-time.’
His eyes widened and he reeled back in his chair, mouth gaping. ‘Are you saying I’m not pulling my weight?’
Sara looked at her mug, regretting her words. She wasn’t up to a fight, didn’t have the energy to go through all the things he took for granted. Things he didn’t even notice she did around the home.
He got up, pushed his chair back under the table. ‘I’m doing this for us.’ He leant forwards, hands on the back of the chair. ‘I’m doing my best. But it’s never bloody good enough for you, is it? You always want more. Well, I don’t have any more to give. This is me doing the best I can, and if it’s not good enough, then maybe we need to think about a different future. One that better suits all of us.’
His words landed like a weight on her chest, sudden and shocking, taking her breath away.
He turned and stormed out of the back door, slamming it behind him. She heard the office door open and close. He didn’t mean it, she told herself with a shake of her head, as if that would put all her thoughts back to where they’d been before their conversation. But what if he did?
She arrived at work feeling flustered and definitely not equal to the myriad tasks she had lined up for the day, her mind fixated on her row with Matt and his final words. A couple of groups were booked in to the centre, and one was using the kitchen for a course about healthy eating for families. There was a lot to organise. And the board meeting was coming up, so she had reports to prepare for that, as well as a list of information Fiona wanted to have a look at for a new project that was under development.
By the time James arrived at noon to go through the board meeting papers, she was teetering on the edge of losing control. He gave her a warm smile and shrugged off his coat, hung it on the hook behind the office door.
‘Are you okay, Sara?’ He frowned. ‘You look a little… out of sorts.’
She shuffled a bundle of papers together for him, unable to meet his eye. ‘Fine. I’m fine,’ she said, her voice cracking. She handed him the documents and sat opposite, ready to go through them. ‘It’s going to be a bit of a struggle to get everything ready this afternoon, though.’ She straightened the pages in front of her, vision blurry as sudden tears filled her eyes. ‘Do you think it will matter if the reports don’t go out until tomorrow?’
‘Hmm, Fiona’s a bit of a stickler for making sure people have time to read everything, isn’t she?’ Although he hadn’t directly said it, the answer was yes, it did matter. She would have to stay late now if she was going to get everything done.
A tear escaped and ran down her cheek. She gritted her teeth and wiped it away. Get a grip, will you? But none of her techniques for calming herself down were working. Another tear escaped. Thankfully, James didn’t notice as he scanned the agenda and flicked through the supporting papers. He asked her a question, and she fidgeted in her seat as she counted backwards again, willing the tears to stop, not hearing a word he said.
‘Hey, yo
u’re not okay, are you?’ James’s concern broke her concentration, and her emotions took control. She couldn’t look at him – mortified that she’d got herself so upset – and now the first tears had escaped, more soon followed, her body shaking with the effort of stopping the sobs that wanted to erupt from her throat.
His hand stretched across the desk and rubbed her arm. ‘Is there anything I can do? Can I get you a drink or something?’ He handed her the box of tissues and she took one, wiping her face, her cheeks burning with shame. Why am I being such an idiot? You can’t do this at work. Come on, shape up!
She heard him get up and leave the room, and she took a few deep breaths, pinching the bridge of her nose as she tried to stem the flow of tears. By the time he came back, carrying a tray with drinks and cookies that the group of mums in the kitchen had been baking, she’d managed to calm herself enough to stop crying and at least felt able to speak.
James put the tray on the desk. ‘Look, you can tell me to mind my own business if you like, but if there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m happy to listen.’ He shrugged. ‘It helps to share, doesn’t it?’
She let out a long breath, felt that she owed him an explanation if they were going to put this behind them and get on with the meeting. ‘Oh, I had a row with Matt before work this morning and it’s thrown me. He’s completely focused on setting up his business and… well, my full-time month comes to an end in a couple of weeks but he says we can’t afford for me to stop and I need to be more supportive. I’m so worried about money, but then there’s the kids…’ She halted, embarrassed, her mind in knots. ‘I feel so torn.’ Her voice clogged with tears. ‘I don’t know what to do for the best.’
He took a cookie, then held out the plate to her. ‘Special recipe. Low sugar, high fibre, apparently.’ She watched him take a bite and nod appreciatively. ‘Not bad.’ He gave her a reassuring smile and she noticed, for the first time, that he had dimples.
‘Okay, well… I’ve been meaning to talk to you about hours. Other than Christmas, this is the busiest time of year for Dad’s business, so I really have to be there more over the summer months. I’ve already spoken to Fiona and said that I can only do a day a week for the foreseeable future, and she’s agreed to continue your full-time hours until September.’ He raised an eyebrow. ‘I was going to talk to you about it when we’d gone through these papers, but you beat me to it. Does that help?’
Sara sighed, threw up her hands. ‘But the point is, I can’t do it. I’ve got the kids. I can’t do everything.’
‘Well, I don’t think you’re in a position to refuse, are you?’
She looked at him, startled. ‘What do you mean?’ Is he going to force me to do it? Can he do that?
‘If you’re the breadwinner at the moment, the show must go on, mustn’t it? It’s just how life works, unfortunately. If you and Matt have switched roles, then childcare is surely his concern, not yours.’ He finished his cookie, wiped crumbs from his lips with a tissue. ‘Looking at things in the round, if the two of you are a team, then I’d say, however much you don’t want to hear this, you need to work full-time.’ He held up his hands. ‘Your call, although Fiona was insistent that you wanted full-time hours, and if you decide that you will do the job over the summer… well, you’d be doing me a favour.’
She blinked. A favour? She’d thought the favours he’d previously alluded to were like interest payments on the debt she owed him – something she had to do before she found the cash to pay him back – but now she wondered if there was another possibility, a way to get rid of the debt faster. Was it going to sound cheeky? She cleared her throat, urged herself on. ‘Can I ask if you’d consider this favour as part repayment for the debt?’
She held her breath, waiting for his answer.
He took a sip of his tea. Considered for a moment before he spoke. ‘Well, if you want it to be, I suppose we could take it into account. But I’d still need you to come to events with me.’
He was being obtuse. She frowned. ‘But you’d take a favour instead of money? I mean, by doing this, I’d reduce my debt to you?’
He pursed his lips, nodded. ‘Yes, why not. If it makes you feel better and it gives us both what we need, then yes.’
They sat in silence for a moment while she thought it through, relieved by his answer but slightly annoyed with Fiona for making assumptions without speaking to her first. Still, she had asked Fiona for the extra hours and hadn’t really spoken to her since, assuming that she’d know she would want to stop for school holidays, same as she’d done at Easter.
Christ, life’s got complicated!
She sighed. James was right, she didn’t have a choice.
‘It’s okay, I’ll work over half-term. And keep doing full-time over the summer.’ She wondered how she’d tell the kids. But at least Matt would be happy now, and as James had said, if they’d swapped roles, then sorting out childcare was as much Matt’s responsibility as hers.
‘Excellent.’ James smiled at her and picked up another cookie, but hesitated before taking a bite. ‘Talking about our deal… I have a networking meeting next week. In Harrogate. There’s a dinner on the Thursday night if you’re free? It’s a new thing, organised by a local business group I’ve just been introduced to, where suppliers and buyers get together. Apparently, there’s a lot of potential to strike good deals, so I really could do with your help. Getting the right price on stock can save us thousands.’
Thursday. Why did that ring a bell? Football practice. The girls would be livid if she missed it after promising she’d go and support them.
She shook her head. ‘I can’t make next Thursday.’
‘Oh, I think you can,’ he said.
Chapter Fifteen
Sara blinked, a shimmer of dread running through her. James gave an exasperated sigh, fingers tugging at his beard. ‘I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I’m just panicking, you see. I really must be there, and everyone’s taking a plus-one. If I don’t have a partner, I’ll look like Billy-no-mates – which is close to the truth, if I’m honest, but it makes me seem… I don’t know, vulnerable, I suppose, and that’s never a good negotiating position, is it?’ He gave her a sheepish grin. ‘I thought with it being over a week away, there’d be plenty of time for you to sort out babysitting. So I bought two tickets and, well… I need you there.’ His eyes met hers, and in that moment, she felt sorry for him. ‘It’s what we agreed, isn’t it?’
She put her cookie down, the smell of it making her feel nauseous now. She thought about the stolen money, how James had put himself in danger of reprisals to conceal her crime. She felt ungrateful. Unprofessional. They’d made a deal and she had to stick to it, and to be honest, he wasn’t asking a lot, was he? Going to a sales dinner with him didn’t sound that onerous. What choice do I have?
‘Okay.’ She forced a smile. ‘I’m sorry, James. I know we have a deal, and of course I’ll stick to it. Thursday night is football practice for the girls, you see, but my sister said she could take them, so maybe there isn’t a problem. I’ll talk to her tomorrow, see if I can arrange it.’
A relieved grin lit up his face, eyes sparkling. ‘Excellent. I’ll look forward to it, and I think you might quite enjoy yourself. It’ll take you out of your normal environment – and you know they say a change is as good as a rest.’
She nodded, hoping it was true, even as her mind presented her with the real problem. What am I going to tell Matt?
The next day, the fine weather had been replaced by a drizzly rain and Sara wasn’t enjoying the hour and a half she had to spend on the touchline while her daughters did their football practice. But she’d promised, and it was especially important to keep her word now that she knew she’d miss the following week. They seemed excited she was there, but she wondered if it might have more to do with the promise of treats afterwards. I wish Hailey could have come, she thought as she stomped her damp feet, trying to keep them warm. There’d been a change in plans because Hailey’s
service user was ill, and with no obligation to be at football, she’d ended up staying at the house with Ezra so Matt could work and Sara could have a bit of time alone with the girls.
Sara moved from foot to foot, her trainers squelching, socks soaked through, glad to see her girls enjoying themselves but unsure exactly what the appeal of football might be. When the final whistle blew, she could have wept with relief.
The girls came running over, red-cheeked and mud-splattered, while the rest of the squad headed to the dressing rooms.
‘Let’s go, Mum,’ Sophia said, slinging her bag over her shoulder, Amelia doing the same.
Sara frowned. ‘What? Aren’t you going for a shower? Don’t you want to get changed?’
‘Nah,’ Sophia said. ‘The showers are grotty here. I’d rather wait till we get home.’
‘I was going to take you for a McDonald’s, remember?’ Sara looked at her mucky daughters and shooed them away. ‘Go on. It’ll only take ten minutes. Then we can have a nice chat while we eat. I feel like I haven’t had a chance to catch up with what you’re doing for ages.’
Amelia shook her head. ‘Not happening, Mum. We decided we’re not using the showers here, didn’t we, Soph?’
Sophia nodded, and the two of them started walking towards the car park.
‘I suppose we can get a takeaway instead,’ Sara said as she followed. She wondered if there was trouble with other members of the team and that was why they didn’t want a shower. She decided she wouldn’t push it. Girls that age were always falling out with each other, and it would probably blow over and be back to normal by the following week.
It was after eight by the time they got home, and Hailey was watching TV, Ezra asleep upstairs. Sara heard the back door close and frowned. ‘Was Matt just here?’
‘Matt? Yes, he came in for a break, and he bathed Ezra. They had a right old time up there. Took me a while to clear up, but I’ve never heard Ezra laugh so much.’ Hailey gave an indulgent smile. ‘He’s such a good dad, isn’t he? Don’t you wish we’d had a dad like that?’ A lump formed in Sara’s throat and she couldn’t say anything. Hailey seemed oblivious and carried on. ‘He’s just gone back out to do some more work, he said. Make up for lost time. It’s such a juggling act for him now you’re out working.’