Octavia

by Jilly Cooper

  ‘I think you’d better come and eat,’ he said in even tones.

  ‘I’ve told you once,’ I snapped, ‘I don’t want to eat. I want to dance. Why doesn’t someone put on the record player?’

  The MFH looked down at the circles of silver sequins.

  ‘What happens to those when you dance?’

  I giggled. ‘Now you see me, now you don’t. They’ve been known to shift off centre.’

  There was another roar of laughter.

  ‘Well, what are we waiting for?’ said the MFH. ‘Let’s put a record on and dance.’

  ‘All right,’ I said, looking up at him under my lashes, ‘But I must go to the loo first.’

  Upstairs in the bathroom, I hardly recognized myself. I looked like some Maenad, my hair tousled, my eyes glittering, my cheeks flushed. God, the dress was so beautiful.

  ‘And you’re so beautiful too,’ I added and, leaning forward, lightly kissed my reflection in the mirror.

  Even in my alcoholic state, I was slightly abashed when I turned round and saw Gareth standing watching me from the doorway.

  ‘Don’t you know it’s rude to stare?’ I said.

  He didn’t move.

  ‘I’d like to come past — if you don’t mind,’ I went on.

  ‘Oh no, you don’t,’ he said, grabbing my wrist.

  ‘Oh yes I do,’ I screamed, trying to tug myself away.

  ‘Will you stop behaving like a whore!’ he swore at me and, pulling me into the nearest bedroom, threw me on the bed and locked the door.

  ‘Now I suppose you’re going to treat me like a whore,’ I spat at him. ‘What will your precious Lorna say if she catches us here together?’

  Suddenly I was frightened. There was murder in his eyes.

  ‘It’s about time someone taught you a lesson,’ he said, coming towards me. ‘And I’m afraid it’s going to be me.’

  Before I realized it, Gareth had me across his knee. I’ve never known what living daylights were before, but he was certainly beating them out of me now. I started to scream and kick.

  ‘Shut up,’ he said viciously. ‘No one can hear you.’ The record player was still booming downstairs. I struggled and tried to bite him but he was far too strong for me. It was not the pain so much as the ghastly indignity. It seemed to go on for ever and ever. Finally he tipped me on to the floor. I lay there trembling with fear.

  ‘Get up,’ he said brusquely, ‘and get your things together. I’m taking you back to the boat.’

  The moon hung over the river, whitening the mist that floated transparent above the sleeping fields. Stars were crowding the blue-black sky, the air was heavy with the scent of meadowsweet.

  Aching in every bone, biting my lip to stop myself crying, I let Gareth lead me across the fields. Every few moments I stumbled, held up only by his vice-like grip on my arm. I think he felt at any moment I might bolt back to the party.

  Once we were on deck I said, ‘Now you can go back to your darling teenager.’

  ‘Not until you’re safe in bed.’

  I lay down on my bunk still in my dress. But when I shut my eyes the world was going round and round. I quickly opened them. Gareth stood watching me through cigar smoke.

  I shut my eyes again. A great wave of nausea rolled over me.

  ‘Oh God,’ I said, trying to get out of bed.

  ‘Stay where you are,’ he snapped.

  ‘I ought to be allowed to get out of my own bed,’ I said petulantly. ‘I agree in your Mary Whitehouse role you’re quite entitled to stop me getting into other people’s beds but a person should be free to get out of her own bed if she wants to.’

  ‘Stop fooling around,’ said Gareth.

  ‘I can’t,’ I said in desperation, ‘I’m going to be sick.’

  He only just got me to the edge of the boat in time, and I was sicker than I’ve ever been in my life. I couldn’t stop this terrible retching, and then, because Gareth was holding my head, I couldn’t stop crying from humiliation.

  ‘Leave me alone,’ I sobbed in misery. ‘Leave me alone to die. Gussie and Jeremy’ll be back in a minute. Please go and keep them away for a bit longer.’

  ‘They won’t be back for hours,’ said Gareth, looking at his watch.

  ‘Can I have a drink of water?’

  ‘Not yet, it’ll only make you throw up again. You’ll just have to grin and bear it.’

  I looked up at the huge white moon and gave a hollow laugh. ‘It couldn’t be a more romantic night, could it?’

  In the passage my knees gave way and Gareth picked me up, carried me into the cabin and put me to bed as deftly as if I’d been a child. He gave me a couple of pills.

  ‘They’ll put you to sleep.’

  ‘I wasn’t actually planning to meet Jeremy on deck tonight.’

  I was shivering like a puppy.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, rolling my head back and forth on the pillow. ‘I’m so terribly sorry.’

  ‘Lie still,’ he said. ‘The pills’ll work soon.’

  ‘Don’t go,’ I whispered, as he stood up and went to the door.

  His face was expressionless as he looked at me, no scorn, no mockery, not even a trace of pity.

  ‘I’m going to get you some more blankets,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you catching cold.’

  That sudden kindness, the first he’d ever shown me, brought tears to my eyes. I was beginning to feel drowsy by the time he came back with two rugs. They smelt musty and, as I watched his hands tucking them in — powerful hands with black hairs on the back — I suddenly wanted to feel his arms around me and to feel those hands soothing me and petting me as though I were a child again. In a flash I saw him as the father, strict, yet loving and caring, that all my life I’d missed; someone to say stop when I went too far, someone to mind if I behaved badly, to be proud if I behaved well.

  ‘Getting sleepy?’ he asked.

  I nodded.

  ‘Good girl. You’ll be all right in the morning.’

  ‘I’m sorry I wrecked your party.’

  ‘Doesn’t matter. They’re nice though, the Hamiltons. You should mix with more people like them; they’ve got the right values.’

  ‘How did you meet them?’

  He began to tell me, but I started getting confused and the soft Welsh voice became mingled with the water lapping against the boat; then I drifted into unconsciousness.

  Chapter Twelve

  When I woke next morning I felt overwhelmed with shame. In the past when I’d got drunk, I’d just shrugged it off as part of the Octavia Brennen image. Now I curled up at the thought of last night’s performance — barging in on those people half naked, behaving atrociously, abusing their hospitality, and then the humiliation of Gareth putting me across his knee and, worst of all, throwing up in front of him and having to be put to bed.

  Oh God, I groaned in misery, as I slowly pieced the evening together, I can’t face him. Yet, at the thought of slipping off the boat unnoticed, it suddenly hit me that if I did I might never see him again. It was like a skewer jabbed into my heart.

  Oh no, I whispered in horror, it can’t have happened! I couldn’t hate someone so passionately, and then find overnight that hatred had turned into something quite different — something that looked suspiciously like love.

  I couldn’t love him, I couldn’t. He despised me and thought I was the biggest bitch going, and the nightmare was that, if we had been starting from scratch, I could have pulled out the stops, knocked him over with my looks, even fooled him into thinking I was gentle and sweet. I’d done it often enough before. But now it was too late. He’d seen me, unashamedly pursuing Jeremy, knew so many adverse things about me that I hadn’t a hope where he was concerned. It was funny really, the biter bit at last.

  Finally I dragged myself out of bed. A shooting star was erupting in my head, waves of sickness swept over me. My face was ashen when I looked in the mirror. I was still wearing last night’s make-up, streaked with crying; my mouth fe
lt like a parrot’s cage.

  I staggered down to the horrible dank loo which reeked of asparagus pee and wondered whether to be sick again. Even cleaning my teeth was an ordeal. Somehow I got dressed, and crawled along to the kitchen. Gussie was cooking kippers of all things.

  ‘Hullo,’ she said. ‘You disappeared very suddenly last night. Gareth said you felt faint from the heat, so he brought you home. You’re not pregnant or anything awful?’

  I smiled weakly and shook my head. That was one problem I was spared.

  ‘What did the rest of you get up to?’ I asked.

  ‘Nothing much. We stayed up very late dancing on the lawn, it was so romantic in the moonlight. Then Lorna came back and had a drink on the boat. You were fast asleep by that time. Later Gareth took her home. We didn’t hear him come in.’

  I felt sweat rising on my forehead. The thought of Gareth and Lorna wandering back through the meadowsweet with that great moon pouring light on them drove me insane with jealousy. The smell of those kippers was killing me. Suddenly I saw a pair of long legs coming down the steps.

  ‘I’m going on deck,’ I said in a panic, and bolted back through my cabin and the saloon, out into the sunshine at the far end of the boat.

  I sat down, clutching my knees and gazing at the opposite bank. A water rat came out, stared at me with beady eyes and then shot back into its hole. Lucky thing, I thought. I wish I had a hole to crawl into. The wild roses which had bloomed so beautifully yesterday were now withered by the sun and hung like tawdry party decorations that had been up too long.

  I heard a step behind me and my heart started hammering. I was appalled by the savagery of my disappointment when I realized it was only Jeremy.

  ‘Hullo,’ he said sulkily, sitting down beside me. ‘Are you feeling better?’

  ‘Yes thank you.’

  ‘Gareth gets all the luck. Why don’t you feel faint when I’m around? I wouldn’t have minded bringing you back here on your own and putting you to bed.’

  Something in his voice pulled me up sharply. ‘I felt faint,’ I snapped.

  ‘And I’m sure Gareth made you feel better. His restorative powers are notorious, you know.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that,’ I said angrily. ‘If two people absolutely don’t fancy each other, it’s Gareth and me.’

  ‘So you keep telling me,’ he said. ‘I’m wondering if the lady isn’t protesting a bit too much.’

  ‘Breakfast’s ready,’ said Gareth, appearing suddenly in the doorway.

  ‘I don’t want any,’ I said, blushing scarlet and wondering how much of our conversation he’d heard.

  Jeremy got to his feet.

  ‘I’ll come back and talk to you when I’ve had mine,’ he said, following Gareth down the steps.

  Two minutes later Gareth reappeared.

  ‘Here’s your breakfast,’ he said, dropping four Alka Seltzers into a glass of water. He waited until the white discs had completely dissolved, then handed me the glass.

  ‘Thank you,’ I muttered, quite unable to meet his eyes. ‘I’m sorry about last night.’

  ‘Skip it,’ he said. ‘Everyone makes a bloody fool of themselves from time to time.’

  ‘But you stopped everyone else finding out. I thought. .’

  ‘. . I’d go back and tell everyone you’d puked your guts out. I’m not that much of a sod.’

  I looked at him for the first time. He looked very tired; there were dark rings under his eyes. I wondered what he and Lorna had been up to last night. It was as though he’d read my thought.

  ‘Lorna’s coming over for lunch,’ he said. ‘She’s dying to meet you again. She’s still at the age when she’s immensely impressed by beautiful women.’

  Wow, that was a backhander.

  ‘I’ll attempt not to disappoint her,’ I said, trying to keep the resentment out of my voice.

  He laughed. ‘Don’t pout, it doesn’t suit you.’

  The Alka Seltzers eased my headache to a dull throb. I wished it could have as easily cured my heart.

  Lorna arrived about twelve-thirty. She’d taken a great deal of trouble with her appearance and was wearing a rust coloured T-shirt which matched her hair. She looked very pretty, but somehow I thought she’d looked more attractive when she’d roared in on us unawares the day before.

  ‘Hullo,’ she said, sitting down on the deck beside me, ‘I’m sorry we didn’t have time to talk yesterday and that you felt horrible. Mummy always forgets to open any windows. Everyone was so disappointed you went. All the men were wild about you, and everyone who rang up to thank us this morning wanted to know who you were.’ Her voice was suddenly wistful. ‘The country hasn’t seen anything as gorgeous as you in a hundred years.’

  Suddenly I found myself liking her. I realized there was no bitchy motive behind her remarks, just genuine admiration.

  ‘I’m afraid my dress was a bit outré for the country,’ I said. ‘I hope your parents didn’t mind?’

  She shook her head violently. ‘Oh no, they thought you were wonderful. It’s typical of Gareth to turn up with someone like you. I always knew he would in the end. I’ve had a crush on him for years, you see. I’d always hoped he’d wait for me, but now he’s got you.’

  ‘Oh no he hasn’t,’ I said quickly. ‘There’s nothing between us at all. We’d never met before this weekend. I’m Gussie’s friend. We were at school together.’

  ‘You were?’ Her face brightened. ‘Then you and Gareth aren’t. .?’

  ‘Not at all. He just discovered I was feeling bloody and brought me home.’

  ‘Oh,’ she said happily. ‘That does cheer me up. I do wish I could do something romantic like fainting when he’s around, but I’m far too healthy.’

  I laughed wryly. She wouldn’t have enjoyed what I’d endured last night.

  ‘Mind you,’ she went on confidingly, ‘he did kiss me on the way home last night. But then I expect he kisses most girls.’

  The sun was making me feel sick again. I moved into the shade. She asked me endless questions about my life in London and the people I knew.

  ‘Do you actually know Mick Jagger?’ She couldn’t hear enough about it.

  ‘I’m coming to London soon. I’ve just finished a typing course, and I’ve got to look for a job.’

  ‘Come and stay,’ I was amazed to find myself saying. ‘My flat’s huge. You can have a bed for as long as you like.’

  ‘Goodness,’ she went all pink. ‘May I really? It’d be marvellous, just for a few days until I find somewhere. And I wonder, could you tell me the best place to buy clothes? I mean my mother’s super, but she’s never been much help in that way.’

  A moment later, when we were joined by the others, she immediately told Gareth I’d asked her to come and stay. I expected him to discourage her, but he merely said, ‘Good idea, why not?’

  Why had I done it, I wondered, as I escaped to help with lunch. Was I trying to prove that I could be nice occasionally, or was I unconsciously trying to impress Gareth by getting on with one of his friends, or was it merely that I wanted to keep some link with him, however tenuous, after tonight?

  I had a great deal of difficulty forcing anything down at lunch. I couldn’t even smoke, which is a sign of approaching death with me. I was paralysed with shyness by Gareth’s presence. Every time he looked at me I jerked my eyes away. Why couldn’t I bring any of the old magic into play? Glancing sideways from under my lashes, letting my hair fall over my eyes, pulling up my skirt to show more leg, leaning forward so he could see down my shirt, which would always be buttoned a couple of inches too low. Overnight I’d suddenly become as gauche as a teenager. I didn’t even know what to do with my mouth — like the first time one wears lipstick.

  To make matters worse, Jeremy was watching me like a warder. He no longer held any charm for me; he was so anxious to please, he’d lost all the lazy, take-it-or-leave-it manner that I’d found so irresistible a week ago. Immediately we’d finished eating, I leapt up t
o do the washing up. Anything to get away from that highly charged atmosphere.

  ‘Leave it,’ said Jeremy. ‘For goodness sake, Octavia, relax.’

  ‘What a bore we’re going back to London tonight,’ grumbled Gussie. ‘It’s been such a lovely restful weekend.’

  A smile flickered across Gareth’s face.

  ‘You must have so much planning to do for the wedding,’ Lorna said. ‘I love weddings.’

  Jeremy’s leg suddenly pressed against mine. I moved it away.

  ‘Your hair’s gone a fantastic colour in the sun,’ he said.

  ‘Is it natural, I can’t remember?’ said Gussie.

  I was about to say ‘yes’ — I’d never admitted to anyone before that it was dyed — when I caught Gareth’s eye and, for some strange reason, changed my mind.

  ‘Well, let’s say my hairdresser helps it along a bit.’

  Gussie picked up a daisy chain she’d been making. The threaded flowers were already wilting on the table. Lorna looked out of the porthole at the heat-soaked landscape. Any moment one felt the dark trees might move towards us.

  ‘It’s like one of those days people remember as the end of something,’ she said, ‘The last before the war, the day the king died.’

  Gussie split another daisy stalk open. ‘Don’t frighten me, you make me think something frightful will happen tonight.’

  A mulberry-coloured cloud had hidden the sun.

  ‘I think it’s going to thunder,’ said Jeremy.

  Gussie put the daisy chain over his head. It was too small and rested like a coronet on his blond hair. He pushed it away irritably.

  ‘Oh, you’ve broken it,’ wailed Gussie.

  I couldn’t stand the tension any longer. I got to my feet and stretched.

  ‘Where are you off to?’ said Gussie.

  ‘I’m going to wander up-stream.’

  ‘We’ll come with you,’ said Jeremy standing up.

  ‘No!’ I said sharply, then tried to make a joke of it. ‘I like walking by myself. I feel my Greta Garbo mood coming on.’

  ‘We’re going to Lorna’s parents for tea,’ said Gussie.