by Ember Casey
From now on, though, I’ll only remember it as my first night after losing Victoria.
There’s a knock on the door behind me.
“Andrew!” comes my sister’s voice. “Are you ready? We’re going to be late.”
I sigh. There’s no point in staying, even though I feel as if I’ve been dragged behind a carriage through the mountains. I won’t feel any better staying here in my room. At least by going I can make my sister happy—and, I suppose, the people of Montovia. I cannot forget them now. At the very least, their lives will be better now for everything that has happened these past few days. It’s a small consolation, but it’s all I have.
I place the mask over my eyes. Let’s get this over with.
Sophia is tapping her foot against the floor when I finally open the door. She gives me a quick once-over, then nods.
“Let’s go,” she says, grabbing my hand. “The car has been waiting twenty minutes already.”
I don’t respond, but that doesn’t seem to bother her. It’s enough that I’m coming at all, I suspect.
When we reach the car, William is already there. I expect him to crack a joke at my expense, but instead, he’s silent. In fact, he looks rather serious behind his mask. That’s unusual for him, especially on a night like this.
“Leo and Elle have already gone down to the city,” Sophia says. “So we’re all here.”
As the car begins to move, I study William. I understand why I feel terrible, but why should he look so down? Yesterday he, like Sophia, seemed determined to be infuriatingly optimistic about what is an objectively terrible situation. Now, though, he looks worried. Has something happened?
“What is it?” I ask him.
He was clearly deep in thought—it takes him a moment to register that I’ve spoken to him. He shrugs and gives a little shake of his head.
“Nothing,” he tells me. “I’m just tired.”
I don’t believe that for a minute. “You’re lying.”
William shakes his head again. “And you’re not in your right mind right now. Trust me—everything’s fine.”
Anger starts to build in my chest—I don’t have the patience for these sorts of games right now. But when I open my mouth to argue, Sophia places a hand on my arm.
“Let’s not fight tonight,” she says. “Please.”
One look at my little sister and I feel the fight seep out of me. I don’t want to fight—but I want to know what’s on William’s mind—he’s definitely up to something, and he wants to hide it from me. That’s not a good sign.
But I bite my tongue the rest of the way to the city. And when we get out of the car, William is gone before I have the chance to speak with him again. He’s lost in the crowd now.
I glance at my watch—it’s five minutes until seven o’clock. We arrived here just in time—at the stroke of seven, the procession begins. The citizens of Montovia will all proceed up the road to the palace, where all are welcome in our master ballroom for the masquerade ball. I can already hear the drums and horns starting—members of the Royal Orchestra lead the procession with a handful of standard bearers and a squad of the Royal Guard.
“Come on,” Sophia says, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the crowd. Part of the tradition is for the members of the royal family to be lost among the rest of the crowd. We proceed into the ballroom with everyone else.
As we move through the crowded street, I find myself subconsciously scanning the crowd for Victoria. I know she won’t be here, but I can’t help it—I suppose I just like to torture myself.
The drums and horns get louder, taking their places at the front of the crowd. After a moment, they transition into the Montovian national anthem, and around me, the crowd begins to sing along.
I mumble along, but my eyes are still searching the crowd. And suddenly, my heart stops. There—behind that lamppost!
I shove my way through the crowd, running toward her. Victoria.
But when I get to the spot where I saw her, it’s not Victoria I see. In fact, the brunette woman I saw looks nothing like her.
You’re going mad, I think, stumbling back through the crowd. Seeing her everywhere.
I try to make my way back to Sophia, but the procession has started moving. The musicians have transitioned into another song now, a lively traditional tune that most of our citizens know. People are dancing and singing around me, moving slowly up the street, carrying me along with them.
I keep looking for Sophia, but instead, my heart stills again.
I could have sworn…
I know it’s probably only my imagination again, but the woman I just saw moved exactly like Victoria. Her hair was hidden, but the way she held herself… It could have been her. It has to be her.
Shoving my way through the dancing crowd, I try to reach the woman I saw. But she’s disappeared, lost among the other revelers.
You really are going crazy…
The crowd moves slowly but steadily up the hill, heading toward the palace. I have no choice but to go along with them. But now a hope has been lit in my chest. If I can just find her, speak to her for a moment… Just a moment is all I want.
But I don’t spot her again. I’m beginning to think she really was just a figment of my imagination. I should have known better—Victoria left Montovia last night. She’s probably already back in the United States. And I have a feeling she’s going to make it a lot harder to find her this time.
The crowd is singing another song now, and someone nudges me when they realize I’m not singing along. I do my best to follow along, even though I don’t feel like singing at all.
We’ve finally reached the palace. The doors to the Master Ballroom have been thrown open, welcoming the citizens of Montovia, and everyone presses inside. The rest of the Royal Orchestra is already inside, playing a waltz. The lawn outside is lit with twinkling lanterns—not everyone will fit inside, and on a beautiful night like this, many people prefer to stay outside under the stars.
I’ve just made it inside the doors when I see it again—another tease of my imagination, another glimpse of a woman who might be Victoria. And even though I know I’m just torturing myself, I can’t help it—I move toward her.
People are dancing in the center of the room, swirling around in time to the waltz. I only make it about twenty paces before someone grabs my arm, tugging me toward the other dancers. Before I can protest, I find a woman in my arms. She pulls me into position, and I have no choice but to dance.
The woman who grabbed me isn’t Victoria. But as we twirl about the room, I realize that dancing gives me an easy way to scan the surrounding crowd on all sides.
There—in that dark dress!
But whoever I saw is gone half a second later, lost behind another twirling skirt.
Stop looking for her, I tell myself. You know she isn’t here.
And as I’m passed off to another partner—who, like the first, isn’t the woman I want to see—I chide myself for being such a lovesick fool.
Victoria
I studied the traditional dances of Montovia before I came for the state dinner with Elle—it seems like forever ago now. I was afraid the one I’m dancing now was going to be my least favorite, and unfortunately, it turns out I was right.
Another man takes me in his arms and spins me around so quickly I feel like I might puke. I still haven’t quite got the timing down for this dance—as soon as I think I have it, I get spun around again and passed off to another male partner.
After about the thirtieth spin, I’ve had enough. The song should have been over long before now, and between not wanting to be back at the palace and the dizziness from so much spinning, I’m pretty sure I’m going to throw up on the shoes of whichever unlucky soul is the next to take me in his arms.
As soon as I’m passed off again, I smile through my mask at the man in front of me before he can take me in his arms and spin me around again. “I’m sorry. I think I’ve had enough for the evening.”
/> “Victoria?”
My heart skips a few beats when I recognize Andrew’s voice. His mask is so much more intricate than the one from the other night—this mask covers his entire face, much as my own does—and the ornate detailing hides his features. It’s no wonder the royal family can dance among the citizens without fear of being recognized. I certainly didn’t recognize him, and I doubt he would have recognized me if I hadn’t opened my big mouth.
“Andrew, I…” I glance over my shoulder, sure someone will see me talking to him. If Reginald gets so much as a hint that I’m even speaking with Andrew, I have no doubt our deal will be called off. Even if the countries have announced the resolution over the Amhurst Valley in the media, I’m sure they’ll find some reason to go back on their word if I go back on mine. I hate that it’s come to this, but I have little choice. I can’t have innocent people losing their lives in some meaningless war, all because I was too selfish not to follow through on my promise.
“Victoria, we should go somewhere more private—”
Andrew is interrupted by the next beat in the song signaling the passing off of the partners again. He hasn’t so much as touched me, though, so when the person next to him passes his partner, she nearly knocks me over as she spins into me.
It’s just as well. I have to get out of here.
Andrew does some sort of move with the woman now in front of him, passing her to the man on his left who should have me in his arms, but I’m still staggering from the near face plant from a few seconds ago. Before I know what’s happening, Andrew takes me by the elbow and drags me through the crowded ballroom. We narrowly miss crashing into couple after couple, particularly when the beat to pass the partner chimes every twenty seconds or so.
It takes us forever to get out of the ballroom—and far enough away from the hallway crowded with citizens hoping to get into the ballroom—so that we have the privacy to talk.
I throw a glance over my shoulder, sure Reginald is lurking around the corner. “Andrew, we really can’t—”
“Nonsense.” He tugs on my elbow and swings open a door behind him, pulling me into a small parlor. As soon as the door slams closed, he drops my arm and lifts his mask. “Victoria, I—”
“We can’t do this, Andrew. Not here. Not now.” I pull off my own mask before glancing over my shoulder again, though there’s nothing to see. There’s definitely no way anyone could hide in this room—there are only a few chairs and a small couch in front of a fireplace. I can’t even imagine what they use this room for—it doesn’t seem to really serve a purpose, other than filling up one of the many rooms in the enormous palace.
“We will do this here. And now.” His gaze narrows. “I don’t understand what happened, Victoria. One moment we were blissfully in love, engaged to be married, and the next—”
“What happened was the duel, Andrew. Reginald made me an offer I couldn’t refuse. One I’m sure you would have wanted me to take if you’d heard it—if you’d had a say.”
“But I didn’t have a say.” He almost growls the words. “I didn’t have a say at all. And I can assure you, I never would have condoned anything Reginald would have offered, even if it meant—”
“Even if it meant peace between your countries?” My brow furrows. “Even if it meant avoiding certain war? Even if it meant getting everything you wanted?”
He glares at me for only a moment before his gaze softens. “But Victoria, I did not get everything I wanted. Can’t you see that? I would give up everything—everything—for you.”
“Your people?” My brow furrows with confusion. “You’d send your citizens to war?” I shake my head. “I don’t believe you. And the reason I don’t believe you is because unlike you, I listen to everything you say. Your duty to your country is the most important thing to you—”
“It was the most important thing to me.” He pauses, looking deeply into my eyes. “Now, the most important thing is standing here in front of me.”
I shake my head again. “You can’t possibly expect me to believe that, Andrew. Not after everything we’ve been through. Not after everything you’ve told me.”
“But it’s true—”
“You’re honestly telling me that if Reginald offered you the same deal—to leave me in exchange for peace between your two countries, that you wouldn’t have taken it? I’m not sure I can believe that.”
“But you should believe it. Because I would have negotiated a settlement. It wasn’t necessary for you to involve yourself in this at all—”
“Wasn’t it?” I stare at him for a moment. “I entered the dueling competition to try to win you back the love of your people. I was the one who was trying to bring back some small amount of honor—”
“But you did it of your own accord. I never would have sent you into the ring, especially if I had known Reginald was going to treat you like he did.”
“Andrew, I…” I want to tell him that Reginald didn’t treat me poorly—that I really did do this of my own accord. But more than that, I want to tell him how much I love him. How sorry I am that it had to end the way it did. How it makes me ache inside seeing him again and knowing he can never be mine.
But I don’t say any of those things. Instead, I just shake my head at him again.
“Victoria, we should discuss this. We can invite Reginald and his father to sit down with us… Reginald got what he wanted. He wanted me publicly humiliated, which I most certainly have been. And I’m quite certain that was his only aim. If we sit down with them, explain that we are truly in love and meant no harm to Justine or to their family—”
“Either you’re delusional or you don’t know him very well, Andrew.” I frown. “He’s not going to let you get away with just glossing things over. He wants our relationship ended. Over. Dead. And that’s what I promised him. That’s what I promised him in exchange for peace. In exchange for Montovia not having to go to war over the stupid valley. I did what you would have done, Andrew. I put the people of Montovia first. I put the needs of the people of your country before my own. And isn’t that what you’ve been saying you have to do all this time? Isn’t that what you’ve been saying is your only duty since the moment I met you?”
He pulls my hands into his and closes his eyes. He finally opens them to meet my gaze after a long moment. “Yes. That is what I’ve been telling you since the moment I met you. It’s what I’ve been telling myself my entire life. But Victoria…” He pauses, shaking his head. “There’s so much I didn’t understand then that I do now. So much more I need to tell you. So much I need to explain. But the only thing that matters—the only thing that truly matters—is that I love you. And that has to be enough to get us through this.”
“Andrew…” I don’t know how to tell him that this issue is so much bigger than the two of us. It’s so much bigger than our love. And I just can’t see a way out other than to leave him for good. “Andrew, I’ll always love you. But sometimes love just isn’t enough.”
Andrew
How can I make her understand? Make her see that my heart, my life, revolves around her now?
Before I can answer that question, though, she sweeps by me, back into the ballroom.
“Wait!” I grab for her, but she slips away, running back through the door and into the crowd. I dart after her, but the room has already swallowed her up—I don’t even know which way she went through the dancers and revelers.
I stride through the crowd, looking for her among the swirling skirts and ornate masks. But I don’t see her anywhere. I consider calling out her name, but I know she won’t answer, even if she could hear me above the music and laughter.
The musicians are playing another waltz. Someone grabs my hand and tries to pull me into the throng of dancers, but I escape her grip and continue on through the ballroom. It’s too crowded in here. People press against me on all sides, their voices right in my ears, the scent of cologne and perfume drowning me from every direction. It makes me dizzy, the swirl of smells
and colors and noise.
Where is she?
Maybe she’s already escaped outside. Maybe, this time, she’s actually heading to the train station, determined to leave Montovia forever. I can’t let that happen.
There’s a dais at the far end of the room, where we, the royal family, will lead the unmasking at the end of the night. I head there now—maybe from the raised platform I’ll be able to spot Victoria. I push through the crowd and climb the steps, looking out across the room.
There are too many people. I’ll never find her, even from here.
But I refuse to give up. Not until I’ve tried everything to get through to her.
There’s a microphone at one end of the dais. I walk over to it and switch it on. It crackles slightly, but the sound is mostly lost beneath the music and noise. I lean closer, and my eyes scan the room as my finger adjusts the microphone’s volume.
“My I have everyone’s attention for a moment?” I say. Even at an increased volume, my voice is still nearly inaudible. A handful of people nearby turn and look at me, obviously confused. A member of the Royal Guard starts toward me from his post at a nearby window—he clearly doesn’t recognize me.
I clear my throat and try again, louder this time.
“Good people of Montovia,” I boom into the microphone.
This time, more people quiet and turn to look at me. A couple of the musicians falter and fall silent, then nudge their companions. Slowly, in waves, people stop talking and dancing and turn to look at me.
My gaze is still searching for Victoria, but I don’t see her. Meanwhile, the guard has reached me, and to simplify things, I quickly pull off my mask, revealing my face.
A murmur moves through the crowd. Everyone knows I’m breaking tradition, but I don’t care. I give the guard a nod of reassurance, and after a moment’s hesitation, he gives a bow and then returns to his post at the window.