First Comes Love

by Juliana Conners

  I’ve never felt this way about anyone. To me, it isn’t just sexual. But I still have to stay on track with my plans and goals. I’ve never been able to rely on anyone but myself and I’m not about to start.

  Cameron may have taken my virginity. He may be teaching me a thing or two sexually. In fact, it may be— it definitely is— the hottest and most exciting thing that has ever happened to me.

  And he— through his firm— is even paying my bills at the moment. But I need to stay focused on my own future goals. I never want to have to go back to the life I used to live. I do what I have to do to get by and to keep moving forward.

  I work until well into the middle of the night and then I decide I need some sleep. I have a long day of assisting Cameron tomorrow, on legal cases and whatever else he might need. And I do mean whatever else.

  I start to shut down my computer but then I see a new message sitting in my email inbox. Apparently ,it came in at around the same time that Cameron had me tied up to the filing cabinet drawer. I just hadn’t noticed it until now. I happened to have been a little distracted.

  I click on it.

  It’s an offer from a big app company to buy the program I’ve been working on.

  I had submitted my app months ago when it wasn’t even very developed. I hadn’t heard anything back so I’d moved forward with this plan.

  And now I hear from them, out of the blue. Offering a lot of money for my app.

  I can’t believe it. I almost think I’m dreaming.

  This changes everything. I don’t need to work as a legal assistant anymore. I can move forward with my goals without that part of my plan.

  But I still want to work as a legal assistant. Because I’m Cameron’s assistant and I don’t want to not be near him. Be touched by him. Be possessed by him.

  I look at the email again. It really does free me from a lot of obligations. And opens up some opportunities for me. To tell the truth to Cameron. About why I originally came to his firm and why I’ve done some of the things I’ve done.

  He might not want to be with me anymore. But I feel like the decision should be his to make.

  But what if I chicken out?

  I decide to write an email, so it’s in black and white and easier to give to him if I can’t just spit it out.

  I pour my heart and soul into the email, but I only send it to myself. I need to think about this with a clear head. In the morning. But at least I have it all typed out for whenever I’m ready to tell him.

  I just hope he’ll forgive me. And still want me.

  Chapter 19 – Ruby

  THE NEXT DAY

  I spend most of the morning in the filing room, which isn’t nearly as fun as it was last night.

  “You’re busy in here,” says Katie, when she comes in for a vape break.

  “Yeah, Cameron has a lot of filing that needs caught up on thanks to Shirley leaving early for Florida.”

  She looks at me funny.

  “Uh huh.”

  My statement is true. Once Shirley found out I was a suitable replacement— more than suitable; if only she knew how suitable and fully trained I am— in more ways than one although of course she didn’t know that either— she decided to take off and leave everything in my capable hands. She left a lot of filing to do, and I’ve been a little too tied up— literally— to do it all until now.

  “You haven’t been in here much since advancing to your fancy new position, which I congratulate you on again, by the way,” Katie says.

  “Thanks.”

  She’s staring at me. She knows something’s up.

  I don’t really have to be in here filing all morning. I’m just avoiding Cameron because I can’t decide if I should spill my guts now, or let him have some fun with me for a little longer, just in case it might be our last time.

  I have no idea how he’ll react to the news of my past. I just know that I can’t move forward with whatever future I’m hoping we have together without telling him.

  “You and Cameron did it, didn’t you?” Katie bursts out, as if she can’t possibly refrain from asking me any longer. “You did it, you did it, you did it.”

  I seriously blush. I know that Katie isn’t known for her tact but I still didn’t expect her to be this brazen about asking me such a personal question.

  My cheeks burn as I stick some blue square Sticky Notes on folders of Cameron’s to signify that they are the ones in Second Judicial Court.

  “Come on, spill it,” Katie says. “Boss/ employee relationships are the rage around here these days. Asher and Madilyn are straight up rubbing it in everyone’s faces that they’re together. You can go ahead and let little old me in on the secret.”

  I smile at her and sigh.

  “All right,” I admit. “We did it.”

  “I knew it!” she explodes. “You did it, you did it, you did it.”

  “Shhhhh,” I tell her, looking around in almost as much fear of getting caught as I was in last night. But not quite that much.

  “It was all the fault of your stupid book,” I tell her, nodding to where her novel had been laying in the corner.

  “Faulkner?” she asks, looking down at The Sound and the Fury in confusion.

  “Shit. You read fast. No, I meant the Neruda one that had been there before. ‘I want to do to you what spring does to the cherry trees…’”

  “Ooooh.”

  Recognition crosses her face.

  “You were a virgin? He deflowered you?”

  “Shhhhh! Katie!”

  “Oh, my God. No wonder you’re blushing. No wonder you look like you’re in love.”

  “I…”

  I stop.

  I was going to say, “I am in love.”

  Shit.

  I can’t be in love.

  Love would ruin everything.

  So, I just say, “I happened to be saving my first time for a hot, rich, older boss like him.”

  “Nice,” she says, laughing. “Well, I’m glad you’re not taking it too seriously. Just have fun. That’s great.”

  “Why shouldn’t I take it too seriously?”

  “Oh, you know how these alpha types are. Lots of girls and all of that. I just don’t want you to get hurt, since it was your first time. I’m glad you know it was just about having fun and getting it out of your system.”

  I nod.

  “Has Cameron done this before?” I ask her. “Like, with former secretaries or something?”

  Katie cracks up.

  “With Shirley? No way. What are you smoking and can you pass some over to me?”

  “Not her,” I laugh.

  It was a stupid question. I had forgotten she had been his assistant for the past twenty years.

  “But just with anyone, I mean?”

  “Hmmm.”

  She pauses for just a second, but that second is long enough to torture me.

  “Not that I know of,” she concludes, and I exhale in relief, trying not to make my feelings too obvious. “But I haven’t been here all that long myself. And you know how Asher is. Or was anyway, before Madilyn.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Well, they’re friends. A lot of the partners here are real dogs. They make up names for the assistants based on how much they want to fuck them. I’m sure you have a real doozy of a nickname. And from what I hear, Cameron is a total player outside the office. He’s just a little smarter than Asher when it comes to not bringing it to work with him. Usually.”

  She raises an eyebrow at me, as if indicating that something had changed. I guess that something is me.

  “I see.”

  “Yeah, just be careful with your heart. But you are. So, you’re fine.”

  She smiles at me, as if that’s that.

  “Yes,” I tell her. “I’m fine.”

  Except I’m so not. I just realized I’m in love with a player. I can’t believe I was thinking about baring my soul— along with my body— to him.

  Good thing I didn’t.
/>
  I’m going to have to try not to give him my heart. But I’m not so sure I can resist when it comes to my body. In fact, I don’t think I even want to try.

  Chapter 20 – Cameron

  I can’t get Ruby out of my head. It seems she has taken up permanent residence there.

  She is working in the filing room and in her cubicle a lot today, whereas normally she seems very eager to stay close by me. I like it better when it’s the former. I don’t know why she’s being so distant. And I hate that she is.

  I’m in way too deep. I have never felt this way about anyone.

  At some point— I’ve lost track of the time and all I know is when Ruby is in my office or not— Asher drops by.

  “Hey Ron,” he says, looking a little stressed.

  I hope I haven’t been worrying him too much by telling him not to get in too deep with Madilyn. Now I feel guilty. And hypocritical.

  “Hey Asher. I didn’t mean to be so harsh about you and Madilyn. If you’re happy, then I’m happy for you. I think it’s great if you found the one. A little surprising, but great. Good for you.”

  “Thanks.”

  He shakes his head as if he’s distracted.

  “How did you know Damien Hudson’s net worth?” he asks me, as if he hadn’t already asked me that yesterday.

  I shift uncomfortably in my chair.

  “I told you. Google.”

  “I talked to the tech guy for the company and he says that that information’s not public.”

  I stare at him. I try not to so much as blink because I don’t want to say the wrong thing.

  I have no idea how Ruby came across the information. I do know she’s good with computers. And I don’t know much about computers so I have no idea what she did to find out about the companies.

  “How much do you know about your Ruby, Ron?”

  Now I do blink.

  Why is he bringing her into this?

  “I know that she’s very good at her job. She’s smart. She’s a go-getter.”

  He nods.

  “Why?” I ask him.

  He shakes his head.

  “I’ve heard she’s good at tech stuff.”

  “Yeah. The toy company thinks that someone may have… hacked into their computers to get this information.”

  “Hacked?”

  Asher nods.

  “Is hacking like, really fucking bad?” I ask, feeling like an idiot. I don’t know anything about these things. “Is it, like, a crime?”

  Now Asher shrugs.

  “I’m sure it’s something like that. It’s stealing information. Violating someone’s privacy.”

  “I see.”

  “I think we should ask Ruby what exactly is going on here,” Asher says.

  “I’ll ask her,” I say quickly.

  “Ron, we have an obligation to report this to HR unless there’s some logical explanation. We don’t have time to wait. Where is she?”

  “I think in her cubicle,” I answer, knots turning in my stomach.

  I don’t know what Ruby’s been up to. But I feel bad confronting her about it with Asher. I wish I had had a little advance notice so that I could ask her on my own.

  But he’s right. Our firm could be at stake. I knew that being with Ruby could get me into fucking trouble but I didn’t know how much trouble.

  “She wasn’t out there when I came in,” Asher says.

  “Then she’s probably in the filing room.”

  The same place I tied her up just yesterday. Today we’ll be having an altogether different interaction.

  “Let’s go,” he says.

  I follow him, my heart feeling heavier than my feet. No one else in the office seems to know that anything is amiss. But for me it feels like the end of the fucking world. I can’t believe that my relationship with Ruby is likely ending right as it was starting.

  And right when it was getting really fucking good.

  Chapter 21 – Ruby

  I’m still in the filing room, leafing through the copy of The Sound and the Fury that Katie had left behind. It’s not nearly as captivating as the book of Neruda poems but there are a couple lines from it that have caught my attention.

  “I am not one of those women who can stand things.”

  I never used to think I was a woman who could stand things either. Yet here I am, working at a law firm when I no longer have to be, just because I want to be around my boss. Who likes to tie me up. And train me to do what he wants.

  And then there’s this line: “She loved him not only in spite of but because he himself was incapable of love.”

  I guess Cameron Sanchez has really changed me. I put up with a lot because of him. Do I want to be around him because I can’t have him— because, as Katie suspects— he’s a player? Someone incapable of love?

  I’m pondering this question when Cameron himself walks in. I look up, happy that he’s come to find me even though I’ve been avoiding him, trying to figure out what to do. But then I see that Asher Marks is with him.

  “Hello, Ruby,” Cameron says. “Asher wanted to ask you something.”

  He sees my expression and adds, “You’re not in any trouble.”

  But it sure feels like I am.

  “What’s this?” Asher asks, reaching above me and pulling something off the shelf.

  He holds his hand out to Cameron to see.

  It’s Katie’s vape pen. Great.

  “I don’t know,” Cameron says. “Ruby?”

  I look at it, silently willing him to just trust me. But he’s looking back at me as if I’ve betrayed him.

  I know that older guys are weird about pot but I didn’t know that a vape pen was still that huge of a deal to them these days. Even if it was mine. Which it isn’t. But I’m not about to rat out Katie.

  I’m really not sure what to say. I don’t want to pretend I have no idea what it is, because that would be an outright lie. I’ve already lied to Cameron enough by omission, and other people here directly. I’m sick of all the lies. But I’m also not about to be a snitch.

  I try to take a middle road.

  “It appears to be a vape pen,” I say.

  It’s a technically correct answer.

  “For tobacco?” Asher asks.

  “Could be.”

  Again, a technically correct answer.

  Asher smells it.

  “It doesn’t smell like a vape pen,” Asher says. “It smells like marijuana.”

  I look at him, and at Cameron who is still searching my face.

  “Could be for that too,” I tell them. “All I know is, it isn’t mine, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Ruby, come on,” Cameron explodes, obviously upset with me. “You really expect us to believe that?”

  “Yes,” I tell him.

  Although, why should he? There are other things I’ve said that he shouldn’t believe. So, I don’t really blame him for not believing me, even if it’s about the wrong thing.

  “We come down here and find you just sitting in the corner reading a book and there’s a vape pen on the shelf right above you,” Cameron says. “How do you think that looks?”

  “Not good,” I answer.

  Which is a very, very technically correct answer.

  “If it’s not yours, whose is it then?” Cameron asks.

  “I… can’t answer that,” I tell him.

  “If you can’t answer that then you are going to find yourself out of a job,” Asher says.

  I look at Cameron. Now I’m getting a little upset. Sure, I know whose vape pen it is but what if I didn’t? How could I prove a negative?

  “I’m not going to be able to answer that,” I tell them.

  Asher shakes his head as if he’s dumbfounded and Cameron shakes his as if he can’t believe he trusted me. I don’t really blame him.

  “Ruby, get your things,” Cameron says.

  His fists are clenched as tightly as his jaw. I know he doesn’t want to do this. But neither doe
s he want to stand by and let Asher do it without being able to protest or save my job.

  He’s a man of decision and action, which are traits I’ve always admired about him. I can’t exactly be mad at him for exercising those traits now.

  I nod at him and he walks out the door with Asher.

  I’m left alone, near the same spot he tied me up and took me. Trained me. Taught me what it was like to really be with a man.

  And now it’s all over.

  I guess it was better off this way. I don’t belong here anyway. I can’t believe I even managed to pass myself off as a suitable law firm employee and get the gig. It was all temporary and now it’s over and luckily I don’t even need the job like I once did.

  But I do need Cameron. And I feel as if I belonged with him. Belonged to him.

  I guess I was wrong.

  Chapter 22 – Cameron

  A FEW DAYS LATER

  Where the fuck is Ruby? Where did she go?

  I spent the whole weekend mad at myself for how I handled things with Ruby. And worried that I’ve lost her forever. I’ve been trying to call her but I only have the cell phone number she listed on her application and it goes straight to a voicemail with a generic greeting.

  I know I have to find her somehow. I’m not sure what I’ll say when I do but I know that she has to forgive me. For being so stupid as to let Asher fire her without proof that she’s even done anything wrong. For not standing up for her.

  For letting her leave my life when I need her in it so fucking bad.

  I’m in my office doing my best to prepare arguments for my appeal of the Baez decision when I hear a feminine-sounding clearing of the throat. I look up right away, hoping that it’s Ruby. Maybe she got my messages and came back to the office to hear me out.

  But no. It’s Jim’s secretary.

  “Katie?” I ask, hoping that I’m remembering her name right.

  I’ve never talked to her much. She seems to stick to herself and not be at her desk a lot even though Jim says she’s an efficient and fast worker.

  “Yo, Mr. Sanchez,” she says, craning her neck around the opening of my doorway.

  “Katie, come in,” I tell her, a little surprised by her brazenness.

  In that way she reminds me of Ruby. She’s not as pretty— or at least, I obviously don’t think so— but she seems to have the same quirky, spunky personality traits.