Lilah

by Marek Halter

  Axatria and Lilah were careful to empty the basket quietly in the kitchen. They could hear the voices in the study, but the walls muffled them, so that only the occasional word reached them. Soon Lilah’s curiosity got the better of her. She placed a finger on her lips to silence Axatria and Sogdiam, slipped out of the kitchen and slid along the corridor with her shoulder against the wall until she was close to the study door.

  ‘Ezra, what I say, I think,’ the stranger was saying. ‘Everyone in my family thinks it, too. I have a hundred and fifty sons and nephews. Your letter planted an arrow in our hearts. We knew nothing of the disaster. We were happy with the work Nehemiah was doing in Jerusalem—’

  ‘You were happy because you were here, living a life of luxury!’ Master Baruch interrupted him, sarcastically. ‘You weren’t with Nehemiah. You didn’t care what was happening in Jerusalem, where happiness still has no place! You forgot about the wrath of the Everlasting, who chased us from the land of Judaea for being deaf to His word.’

  ‘You’re right, Master Baruch. You’re only too right!’

  ‘Of course I’m right, Zachariah! The things I reproach in you, I reproach in myself a hundredfold. We are here, under the protection of the King of the Persians, while the Everlasting waits for us there.’

  ‘That is the way things are,’ Ezra interrupted, in a firm, calm voice. ‘Some of the children of Israel are here, and some are there. In other words, they are nowhere. They have been a people, from father to son, but they are no longer a nation living on the land to which Yahweh led Abraham.’

  ‘So why did Nehemiah fail?’ Zachariah cried. ‘He left at the will of the King of Kings. He left with gold and soldiers. He left with the hand of Yahweh upon him!’

  ‘Are you so sure?’ Ezra asked.

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘If Yahweh’s hand had been upon him, he would not have failed.’ Master Baruch sighed. ‘Since when has the will of Yahweh not been done? Do you think, Zachariah, my friend, that the walls of Jerusalem and the Temple would not have been rebuilt if Yahweh had wanted it?’

  ‘That’s where the error lies,’ Ezra said, in the same even tone. ‘Nehemiah went to rebuild the walls, but Yahweh did not support him. Why? Because it is not only the walls of Jerusalem that need to be rebuilt, Zachariah.’

  ‘I know,’ Zachariah said. ‘The Temple too and—’

  ‘It was hearts and minds that broke down the walls of the Temple,’ Ezra asserted. ‘It was hearts and minds that allowed Babylon to reduce the land of Judaea to dust. It is hearts and minds that must be rebuilt before we can put the stones back on the walls.’

  There was a silence.

  ‘You’re right, Ezra,’ Zachariah said, in a low voice. ‘As the proverb says, “The fathers eat sour grapes and the sons’ teeth are set on edge.”’

  Ezra’s laugh was almost a cry. ‘No, Zachariah! You’re wrong. You and your people and all the exiles who go around moaning about the past. You’re letting your ignorance guide you. Have you forgotten Ezekiel’s words in Babylon? “All lives belong to Yahweh! The father’s life belongs to Him, as does the son’s life, for Yahweh is just. He does not condemn the son for the sin of the father. On the contrary, if the son is without sin. He makes him fruitful. He who lives in the Law of Yahweh lives without fear. The blood of the father does not fall on the son, the sin of the father does not flow in the son’s veins.” That is the justice that Yahweh taught Moses, Zachariah. And the reason that Yahweh has not allowed Jerusalem to rise again is because we are not living according to His decrees. None of us, Zachariah. Not you, me, your people, the exiled Jews, or those living in Jerusalem who claim to be children of Israel.’

  Lilah heard what sounded like a moan. The three men remained silent for a long moment. Lilah was about to move away from the wall and show herself at the door when Zachariah spoke again. ‘You speak the truth, Ezra,’ he said, his voice filled with emotion. That’s why my people and I turn to you. That’s why I’ve come to you to say, “Lead us, and we will follow.”’

  Ezra grunted. ‘It isn’t to me you should turn, but to the Word of Yahweh. That is what will lead you. You don’t need me for that.’

  ‘Oh, yes, we do! No one knows the scrolls of Moses better than you – Master Baruch says so himself. Question us, Ezra! You will hear only stammering. If you explain one thing to me, I understand something else. You must have realized that by now.’

  ‘Do as I do. Do as Master Baruch does. Take the scrolls, read and learn. That’s all you can do.’

  ‘How can the ignorant man learn what he doesn’t know, if you won’t guide his heart and spirit?’ Zachariah objected. ‘How can he turn to the words of the Almighty if you and Master Baruch don’t make their meaning clear through your studies?’

  ‘Zachariah!’ Master Baruch chuckled mockingly. ‘Your words flatter me, but I don’t advise anyone to undertake such a long journey with me as their light. As you can see, I’m nothing now but a lamp without oil.’ Then he laughed, and shouted, ‘Lilah, my dove, when have you ever feared to disturb us? Stop hiding behind the door and come in.’

  Lilah’s entrance put Ezra and his visitor in an awkward position. Zachariah hardly dared look at her, but Master Baruch greeted her so effusively and with such good humour that it was impossible for them to maintain their serious tone.

  Zachariah soon left. They promised him that he would be welcome as often as he liked.

  After the outer gate had closed behind him, Master Baruch gave a half severe, half mocking sigh. ‘You heard for yourself, my dove, that Zachariah has a bad conscience. It’s clear he doesn’t know much, and it’s also clear that he’d be more useful in Jerusalem than stuck here moaning. There are dozens like him, and they all admire your brother. But although admiration may be sweet to the ears, it doesn’t lead to knowledge, let alone to courage.’

  Lilah turned to Ezra, certain he was going to reply. But he said nothing, merely looked at her. Perhaps he had not even heard Master Baruch’s provocative remarks. She knew that look so well that there was no need for words. She read fear in his eyes, questions … and expectation. ‘Are you going to talk to me about Antinoes?’ the eyes whispered. ‘Have you come here, my beloved sister, to tell me what I don’t wish to hear?’

  With a loud sigh, Master Baruch sat down on the bed.

  Lilah smiled. ‘Why mock their admiration, Master Baruch?’ she said softly. ‘Perhaps it’s merely the truth.’

  ‘What do you mean?’ Ezra asked, with a frown.

  ‘That it’s time for you to be what everyone expects you to be.’

  Ezra smiled disdainfully. ‘Oh, people expect something of me, do they? I only care about what Yahweh expects of me. And I answer Him by staying here and completing my studies, reading His Word until it’s as natural to me as breathing.’

  ‘Do you think that’s always the right answer?’

  ‘Lilah! Are you trying to teach me wisdom?’

  Master Baruch had half sat up, and was moving his hands above his snowy white beard. ‘Let her speak, my boy, let her speak!’

  ‘Zachariah says to you, “We need you. Explain it all to us. Lead us.” Why refuse?’

  Ezra laughed nervously. ‘And where should I lead them?’

  ‘To Jerusalem.’

  Ezra leaped to his feet. ‘You’re mad!’

  ‘Do you think so? Do wisdom and courage mean anything if we don’t continue the work Nehemiah began? As Master Baruch says, “What’s the point of moaning if it doesn’t lead to action?”’

  Ezra glanced at Master Baruch. The old man had stopped laughing. His eyes were bright and alert, although his breathing was almost inaudible. Sogdiam and Axatria appeared in the doorway, carrying platters. Ezra did not take the slightest notice of them. ‘As I told Zachariah, the reason Nehemiah failed is because Yahweh judged it wasn’t yet time to rebuild Jerusalem.’

  ‘An easy excuse for someone who lacks the courage to confront his destiny.’

  Ezra blushed to
the roots of his hair. Lilah went to him and seized his hands. She felt a tremor go through his body. ‘Didn’t Moses, Aaron and all the people of Israel discover that the hand of God was upon them when they confronted Pharaoh?’ she asked softly. ‘Isn’t that what you taught me, Ezra?’

  Master Baruch chuckled. ‘That’s good, my girl, that’s good!’

  ‘Moses often asked Yahweh, “Why me?”’ Ezra said harshly.

  ‘And the Everlasting replied, “Because I have decided it,”’ Master Baruch flung back at him.

  Ezra shook his head and took away his hands from Lilah’s. The blush remained on his cheeks, but now his black eyes shone not with anger but with another emotion. ‘Come on,’ he said, after a moment’s reflection, ‘you’re forgetting that Nehemiah was able to leave Susa and lead the exiles to Judaea because the King of Kings had decided it was in his own interest for him to do so.’

  ‘Yahweh planted a sensible policy in Cyrus the Great’s mind,’ Master Baruch said.

  ‘Yes, Master. But I don’t hear anything like that coming from the Citadel now.’

  ‘What if it did come?’ Lilah said. ‘What if Artaxerxes summoned you and said, “Go, Ezra. Lead your people to Jerusalem. Rebuild the walls of your Temple.”’

  ‘Lilah, you’re mad.’

  ‘Answer me, Ezra. If he asked, would you accept?’

  Ezra stared at her.

  Master Baruch’s eyes were two slits, the pupils barely visible. His beard shook.

  Ezra began to laugh, a sharp, nervous laugh. ‘Come on, Lilah! You know it’s not possible. Look at me. Look at this room – look at our surroundings! Why would the King of Kings spare me so much as a glance?’

  ‘Because Yahweh wants it.’

  Ezra’s face clouded, and he raised his hand. ‘Lilah, don’t talk like that. It’s not—’

  ‘Let her have her say, my boy,’ Master Baruch interrupted, without smiling.

  ‘I’ve been thinking about it for days now, Ezra. And now I know I’m right. I know it as Zachariah and all the people who call you “the sage of the lower town” know it. Do you think they admire you because you spend your days poring over papyrus scrolls? Or because you’ve become as wise as, if not wiser than, Master Baruch?’

  She glanced at the old man, who encouraged her with a nod.

  ‘No. What they admire, Ezra, is the stubbornness that made you come here and stay here. And we need that stubbornness in order to hope, to stop being a people scattered like crumbs in the dust of Artaxerxes’ kingdoms.’

  Axatria and Sogdiam were listening in the doorway. Ezra made a move to chase them away, then changed his mind. He smiled, and stroked Lilah’s cheek. ‘I love your words, my sister. They prove your affection for me. But what you’re saying is false. The exiles don’t expect anything like that. If they did, they would have crossed the desert with Nehemiah, and Yahweh would have stretched His hand over them. No, they’re perfectly happy here, just like our uncle Mordechai, I can assure you.’

  ‘Because no one has stood up and shown them where their duty lies,’ Lilah insisted. ‘Because no one has taken the first step into the desert. Because no one has gone to the King of Kings and said, “Let me go to Jerusalem and rebuild the Temple of the God of heaven.”’

  Ezra laughed. He clasped Lilah to him joyfully. Axatria, Sogdiam and Master Baruch had not seen him so happy for a long time.

  ‘Lilah! We aren’t children any more. We’re too old to play with dreams. But when you say such things, I realize how much you love me—’

  ‘No, Ezra!’ Lilah pushed him away with a gesture as firm as her voice. ‘Don’t treat me like a child. I’m not blinded by my love for you. I know who you are. Now it’s up to you to find out how much your words and your courage are really worth.’

  Ezra’s joy had already vanished. Now he looked helpless and confused. ‘I have no desire to be what you describe,’ he breathed. ‘I’m studying with Master Baruch. My studies can’t be interrupted, even to rebuild the walls of Jerusalem.’

  ‘Ah, now he’s saying what I said to Nehemiah!’ Master Baruch cried in a shrill voice. ‘Oh, yes, that’s precisely the kind of stupid remark I expected of you, my boy.’

  ‘But isn’t it what you taught me?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I said it, I said it!’ Master Baruch’s small, frail body shook with laughter. He winked at Lilah. ‘And now I say this. Studying has no end, but the master of studies does.’

  There was a strange silence.

  Lilah walked to the door and out into the courtyard.

  ‘Lilah, you cannot say what the will of God is!’ Ezra cried behind her. ‘That would be blasphemy.’

  Lilah turned and nodded, smiling. ‘That isn’t my intention. But if Artaxerxes commands you to appear before him, remember how Moses urged Aaron to appear before Pharaoh.’

  For a long time, as the chariot took them back to the upper town, they were silent, lost in thought. But at last Axatria spoke. ‘Once again you saw Ezra and you didn’t mention your marriage. Your uncle and aunt will be worried.’

  ‘Ezra knows everything he needs to know about my marriage,’ Lilah replied.

  ‘But he still doesn’t want it.’

  ‘That doesn’t matter.’

  Axatria opened her eyes wide in surprise. ‘Don’t you want to get married any more?’

  ‘Did I say that? I made a promise. I will marry, Axatria. Afterwards.’

  ‘Afterwards?’

  Lilah did not reply.

  Axatria was silent for the length of one street, her eyes fixed on the head of the young slave driving their chariot. ‘Do you really believe what you told Ezra?’ she said at last. ‘That the King of Kings will summon him to the palace?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘But Ezra’s right – it’s impossible! How could the King of Kings know who he is and that he—’ She broke off, and looked intently at Lilah. ‘Oh!’ she gasped. ‘Parysatis didn’t send for you just to give you a few jewels, did she?’

  Lilah smiled, but said nothing.

  The Promise

  THE BATH-HOUSE WAS long and narrow. The walls and ceiling formed a vault of glazed bricks, decorated with sea monsters, men who were half fish and birds that no man had ever seen with his eyes. Wreaths of fragrant vapour muffled the lapping of the water, the whispers and laughter.

  The eunuchs had led Antinoes up to a canvas screen at one end, which blocked the view of the long pool that filled almost the entire space. Servants were boiling eucalyptus, benzoin oil and amber resin, which they then poured into the water. The air was so heavy and fragrant that it was a while before Antinoes could breathe freely.

  His baldric had been removed, as had his weapons and even his sandals: potential assassins had been known to hide their blades in them. He sat down on a low bed, and a swarm of handmaids brought him brass trays laden with brightly coloured drinks and little cakes powdered with almond and dripping with cardamom-scented honey.

  He was already starting to sweat. He had prepared himself to be patient, and had determined that he would not let fear undermine him. Yet when the voice rose from behind the screen, he jumped as if swords had suddenly been unsheathed around him.

  ‘Antinoes! Handsome Antinoes! Discreet Antinoes! It seems the only way I could persuade you to greet me was to send for you, even though you’ve been back in Susa for many days.’

  ‘My queen …’ Antinoes stammered, unsettled as much by the ironic sensuality in Parysatis’ voice as by the reproach itself. ‘My queen,’ he went on, trying to make his voice sound firmer, ‘how could I have dared to appear before you without your summons?’

  There was a raucous laugh on the other side of the screen. ‘How indeed? How could you have dared?’ Parysatis laughed again. Antinoes relaxed: it had been the right answer.

  He heard the sounds of water, but no more words for a long time. Antinoes did not dare to eat or drink. The bed where they had put him was soft and welcoming, but he sat upright and stiff, as motionless as the eunuchs a
nd handmaids around him.

  ‘It would seem you are not lacking in courage, young Antinoes,’ Parysatis said suddenly. ‘Our King of Kings has set his eyes on you and I had to do likewise.’ Her voice came from further away now, and echoed against the vault. ‘Karkemish, Gordion, Sardis, Arbeles and Opis … Can you hear how much I love you? I know the names of all your battles by heart. Does this Jewish woman of yours, this Lilah, know as much as I?’

  At Lilah’s name, Antinoes felt the bite of fear. Even during the battles Parysatis had mentioned, he had rarely felt it with such intensity.

  ‘Well, Antinoes?’ Parysatis said impatiently. ‘Must I wait for your answer?’

  ‘No, my queen. I was simply thinking that you are right. Lilah does not know the names of my battles.’

  ‘Modest Antinoes!’ Parysatis chuckled.

  Again there were sounds of water, and women’s laughter. Antinoes heard the Queen giving orders, demanding clothes and drink. Her voice came closer. He could hear the rustling of cloth. She must be standing quite close to him behind the screen.

  ‘So you want to marry her?’

  ‘Yes, my queen.’

  ‘She tells me you made her a promise.’

  ‘Yes, my queen. We were children, but we haven’t changed.’

  ‘How can that be? You, the son of my beloved Artobasanez! Your father let you run around with that Jewish girl?’

  ‘He loved her like a daughter, and I like a sister.’

  Parysatis laughed. ‘Don’t lie, soldier. You don’t love her like a sister. Is it true that Jewish women are quite inventive when they make love? That’s what I’ve heard.’

  ‘I don’t know, my queen. I’ve never known any other woman.’