How to Keep a Boy from Kissing You

by Tara Eglington

  Lindsay sniffed. ‘He was sensitive.’

  ‘Yeah, he really proved that this morning,’ Jelena said, biting the head off a cookie man.

  I shot her a look. Now was not the time.

  ‘He bought me my favourite flowers, lilies, almost every week,’ Lindsay went on. ‘We both love Malaysian food but he always let me have most of the roti, even though it was his favourite. We wanted to go to Europe together, and he said he’d happily go with me along the Champs-Elysées so I could get my fashion fix … and now … now we’ll never gooooooo!’ Lindsay put her head down on the bench. ‘And when he held me, everything just felt right and perfect, you know?’

  I felt like crying along with her. How do you go from a conjoined existence to one on your own in just one day?

  ‘And he knew everything there was to know about me — not just major secrets but all the trivial stuff as well. And, of course, I loved his green eyes and the way he smiled …’

  We quietly cleaned up around her and placed circles of cookie dough on greased trays.

  ‘And his Billabong backpack and his hip-hop CDs,’ she continued.

  This was getting ridiculous. Lindsay always used to argue with Tyler about hip-hop not having enough varied melodies.

  I loaded the cookie tray into the oven and turned on the timer.

  ‘And his eyebrows!’ Lindsay sobbed dramatically.

  ‘His eyebrows?’ Sara said.

  ‘They weren’t bushy,’ Lindsay replied. ‘It’s an important feature.’

  We all looked at each other and cracked up, even Lindsay.

  ‘That’s it! I can’t take it any more!’ Sara fell to her knees and raised her clasped hands to the ceiling. ‘I can’t hear anything more about Tyler’s perfection! God save me!’

  Lindsay pretended to glare at Sara, but gave up.

  ‘I can’t take this heat any more!’ Jelena moaned. ‘It’s like the fires of hell!’

  The steaming weather hadn’t let up, even though it was now twilight. Coupled with the heat of the oven, it was too much.

  ‘Anyone got any ideas on how to beat the heat?’ I asked.

  ‘We could set up the sprinkler,’ Cassie suggested.

  ‘It’s broken,’ I said. ‘I can’t believe Hayden Paris has a swimming pool and I have to cool down in a sprinkler —’

  ‘Wait a minute,’ Jelena said, a smile spreading over her face.

  ‘No!’ I said, before she could continue. I didn’t like where this was going.

  ‘Come on, Aurora!’ Jelena pleaded. ‘I’m sure your neighbours wouldn’t mind. And Hayden’s never going to know — aren’t they all away for the weekend?’

  I was really regretting expressing my enthusiasm over Hayden’s absence earlier.

  ‘Come on!’ Jelena said again.

  Next thing I knew we were attempting to scale Hayden Paris’s back fence wearing our bikinis.

  ‘Okay, if you just lift your right leg up to this branch, you’ll be able to swing yourself up and over,’ Jelena instructed, already inside Hayden’s yard.

  I knew I should have taken gymnastics in primary school.

  ‘If Hayden Paris was my neighbour,’ Sara said from the branch above me, ‘I’d be sneaking over here all the time.’

  ‘If you knew the real Hayden Paris,’ I said, ‘you’d stay as far away as humanly possible.’

  ‘Come on!’ squealed Sara. ‘Those roguish hazel eyes? The slightly curly hair that just calls out for you to run your fingers through it? Those soft-looking lips …’

  My hands slipped and I almost lost my grip on the overhead branch.

  ‘You okay?’ Cassie called from below.

  I regained my balance. ‘Sara, you sound like a bad romance novel.’

  ‘His manly shoulders …’

  ‘Steady on there.’ I dropped to the ground on the other side. ‘If you’re not careful, he’ll turn up. Hayden Paris can sense a compliment from kilometres away.’

  I had to admit, he had one thing going for him though. The lagoon-style pool glinted in the moonlight. Green palms and leafy bushes hugged its edges, and a small waterfall trickled into it at one end. We stood and admired it before leaping in. Everyone surfaced screaming at the temperature. Jelena dived back under and grabbed at our ankles, starting a game of Marco Polo.

  Cass started counting with her eyes closed. ‘One, two, three …’

  We all broke away, swimming as far from her as we could.

  ‘… eight, nine, ten!’

  Suddenly a noise came from inside the Parises’ house.

  ‘Oh my god,’ Sara said, giving away her position. ‘There’s someone inside.’

  ‘Don’t be stupid,’ Jelena said. ‘Everyone’s away for the weekend. Keep counting, Cass.’

  ‘Eleven, twelve …’

  We heard the patio glass door slide open. We all froze.

  ‘Someone’s broken into their house!’ Lindsay said in a strangled voice.

  ‘Shouldn’t we wait to see who it is before we jump to conclusions?’ Jelena said, sounding convincingly brave.

  ‘You can stay if you like,’ Sara said as the bushes in front of the patio rustled. ‘But I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that teenage girls and ominous noises do not lead to happy results.’

  At those words, everyone was out of the water and running for the tree that gave quick access to my backyard. I was in the furthest corner of the pool so had only reached its steps when I heard the crackling of branches and saw a figure dashing towards me.

  ‘Oh god! Aurora! Run!’ Lindsay yelled from just ahead of me.

  I grabbed my towel and sprinted towards the tree. My heartbeat mixed in with the sound of heavy footsteps just metres behind me. I felt a burst of adrenaline as I reached for a branch and started heaving myself up. I was not going to die in Hayden Paris’s backyard in my bikini!

  My pursuer was right below me now, grabbing at my feet. I lost my balance and fell, letting out a scream. My towel flew out of my hand and in a wide arc above me. I landed on the grass and slowly looked up at my pursuer, ready to meet my death bravely.

  Hayden Paris was standing above me, smirking. ‘I knew you’d fall at my feet some day.’

  ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I screamed, nearly hysterical. My heart was pounding like an African conga drum. ‘Are you trying to kill me from shock? I thought you were a psychopath!’

  Hayden reached down and offered me a hand.

  I batted it away. ‘Don’t touch me!’

  ‘Aurora, are you hurt?’ my friends called over the fence.

  I couldn’t answer. I felt so shaky I wasn’t sure of anything. Except my extreme hatred for Hayden.

  I got up, shaking my fist in a gesture that would have made my mother frown. ‘I’ve had it with you!’

  ‘She’s fine, girls,’ Hayden called over the fence. ‘Back to her normal self. You head inside. I’ll have her back in a moment.’

  I heard their voices drifting away as Hayden grabbed my flailing arms and led me over to the edge of the pool. ‘Easy, Princess. Don’t lose your composure. You’d better sit down. You’re still a bit shaky.’

  I dropped down and sank my legs into the water. I saw my towel at the bottom of the pool.

  ‘Arrgghh!’

  ‘Don’t worry about that,’ Hayden said, slipping off his T-shirt and jumping into the water in one easy motion before I could protest.

  Not that I cared about him getting wet after all he’d put me through.

  He dragged the drenched towel to the surface, then pulled himself up to sit beside me. I remembered Sara’s remark about his ‘manly shoulders’. I had to admit, purely objectively, that she was right. I shook my head and pushed the thought away.

  ‘What were you doing in the bushes? Trying to scare me to death?’ I said furiously.

  ‘I heard noises coming from the pool. I thought I’d better investigate, and I kept out of sight so as not to alert the possibly violent intruders.’

  �
��I don’t suppose you could have said something once you realised it was a bunch of innocent teenage girls?’ I said, raising my eyebrows.

  Hayden’s normally teasing eyes were serious. ‘I honestly didn’t realise it was you until you fell at my feet.’

  Did he have to keep putting it that way? It wasn’t as if I’d intended to land there.

  ‘What were you doing in the pool anyway?’ Hayden kicked his feet in the water. ‘Technically, you were trespassing.’

  ‘You weren’t supposed to be home!’

  ‘All the more reason to break in, huh? I guess pool-hopping is a regular thing for you? Come on, admit it. Now I’ve finally caught you in the act.’

  ‘You haven’t caught me in the act of anything!’ I spluttered. ‘Your mum asked me to keep an eye on the house. But that’s the end of my neighbourhood watch. From now on, your plasma TV and Xbox are fair game for thieves.’

  I stood up and started striding towards his house. Hayden ran to open the door for me.

  ‘Keeping an eye on a neighbour’s house usually means observing from a distance, Princess, not frolicking in their pool.’

  ‘It was firsthand observation,’ I insisted, as I pushed by him into his house and straight out the front door, across to my place.

  Hayden chased after me, trying to put a dry towel over my shoulders.

  ‘I don’t need an escort home!’ I said.

  ‘Ah. The fateful location of Daniel Benis’s accident,’ Hayden said as we reached my door.

  I scowled. ‘There’ll be another accident if you’re not careful.’

  ‘Break-and-enter, death threats … I could report you for this.’

  ‘You’d get done for harassment,’ I said, tossing him back his towel.

  Hayden’s hazel eyes were twinkling again. ‘You know I’d only look sexier with handcuffs.’

  The front door opened, saving me from answering. Jelena, Cassie, Sara and Lindsay peered out and took in Hayden’s and my dripping bodies.

  ‘Have you been swimming together?’ Sara asked.

  ‘It’s always been you,’ boomed the TV from inside. That’s another part of the Get-Over-Him Party. If you’re going to cry, you might as well cry your eyes out at The Notebook. By the end of that movie, there’ll be no tears left in you.

  Hayden smiled. ‘Bonding time, huh? I’ll let you get back to it. Hey, Lindsay?’

  Lindsay looked at him.

  ‘Don’t worry about Tyler. I think he’s been influenced by stories of freedom in our personal development class. Mr Bridges is big on the single-man thing. I give Tyler a week before he realises what an idiot he’s been and begs you to take him back.’

  Lindsay smiled.

  Hayden headed down the path. ‘Night, girls. Night, Princess.’

  I rolled my eyes.

  ‘Oh, and, girls …’ He stopped and turned, his bare chest glowing under the driveway lights. ‘You’re welcome to use my pool any time. Just let me know first and I’ll go swimming with you.’ He gave us a wink and disappeared inside his own yard.

  The girls let out whistles. Sara pretended to faint.

  ‘I was right about his manly chest,’ she said.

  ‘Shoulders,’ I said. ‘You said shoulders earlier.’

  She sighed. ‘The whole package is outstanding.’

  ‘I think lack of food has got to you,’ I replied. ‘Let’s go eat those cookies.’

  We headed inside and let The Notebook work its magic. By the end, we were all sobbing.

  ‘I can’t cry any more!’ Lindsay wailed.

  She was on the road to recovery.

  CHAPTER 6

  He’s So Into You

  The rest of the weekend was a blur of Get-Over-Him activities. There was list-making: Ten things I didn’t like about Tyler; and I presented Lindsay with the break-up journal, to chronicle her highs and lows, and note down all the things she wanted to scream at Tyler. There were some close moments. On Saturday afternoon I only just managed to stop Lindsay and Jelena from heading round to Tyler’s and slashing the tyres on his BMX bike. This made me decide to implement anger-reducing activities for Sunday, like a group jogging session and having Lindsay take out her aggression on our boxing bag (acquired before the NAD became a pacifist). By the time she’d completed all the physical activities, and I’d helped her remove all Tyler-related items from her bedroom (a massive job, let me tell you), Lindsay was too tired to consider revenge.

  I have to say, I was quite happy to return to school on Monday, to get away from the Taylor Swift heartbreak ballads and angry Rihanna tunes that had dominated the weekend.

  ‘I don’t know if I’m ready to deal with the stresses of single life yet,’ Lindsay said as she unwrapped an apricot muesli bar during lunch. ‘In maths today, Jeffrey Clark yelled across the room to me, “Is it hot in here, or is it just you?” and wiped his forehead! I’ve been insulated against unwelcome advances for so long I didn’t even know what to do. I just sank down in my seat.’

  ‘You know, Jeffrey Clark’s depriving a village somewhere of its idiot,’ Jelena said.

  We all laughed. The four of them were sitting on top of the monkey bars, swinging their legs. One of the advantages of sitting up there is it gives a good view of the entire quad. Jelena likes it because it puts us ‘higher than everyone else — like kings and queens on raised thrones’.

  ‘Oh, Jeffrey’s not that bad,’ I said, and swung myself up to join the girls.

  ‘Seriously, though,’ Lindsay said, tossing her newly styled hair (one of the first things to do after a break-up: get a fabulous do) out of her eyes, ‘you don’t think I gave Tyler a hard time, do you?’

  A look I knew all too well came into her eyes. She was edging into overanalytical territory.

  ‘If guys are unhappy, they let you know, believe me,’ Sara said as she chomped on her lime and black pepper potato chips. ‘He could’ve spoken up any time.’

  ‘Maybe he couldn’t put his feelings into words. Guys have trouble with that kind of thing.’

  Lindsay looked like she was ready to leap off the monkey bars and go grab Tyler to interrogate him about his emotions. Which, like most boys, probably ran the whole gamut from ‘I’m hungry’ to ‘Check out those wheels’.

  ‘He could have done a metaphorical pain dance, or pulled a face, or performed a puppet show,’ Sara said. ‘Just like that book He’s Just Not That Into You says.’

  He’s Just Not That Into You is Sara’s bible. She brings it to school and reads excerpts at completely random times, like when we studied Hamlet. She told Mrs Kent that Ophelia could have saved herself a lot of pain if she’d just faced facts. Hamlet was self-obsessed and rapidly descending into a spiral of self-destruction.

  I think a book called He’s So Into You would be more helpful, so girls could figure out if their crush was exhibiting favourable signs towards them. Hey! Maybe I could write it! They say if it doesn’t exist, create it, right? I could just see it on the bestseller list. I was so the next Dr Phil — spinoff show here I come.

  ‘Are you saying Tyler just wasn’t that into me?’ Lindsay had crumpled her wrapper in her fist and looked on the point of throwing it at Sara. There was a dangerous glint in her eyes.

  I realised that someone was going to have to break the tense moment. This time, it was Jelena.

  ‘If anything, he was too into you,’ she said calmly, blowing a grape-coloured gum bubble that contrasted perfectly with her black and white outfit. ‘But we all know guys are terrified of getting serious. That’s why he’s pulling the “I need to spread my wings and fly” stuff.’

  Cassie put an arm around Lindsay. ‘Don’t worry, the eagle will get lonely and beg you to take him back, just like Hayden said.’

  I couldn’t believe she was quoting Hayden Paris. Next thing we knew, people would be asking him to write books on relationships. Well, I intended to have the market cornered by the time he started looking for a publisher.

  ‘Well, until he does get lonely, I
have a fantastic idea to take your mind off Tyler,’ I announced. ‘It’s time to move on.’

  ‘Hey, speaking of moving on,’ Jelena interrupted. ‘Did you hear that Bradley Scott’s dating Tina Vaser now? He says their charts are perfectly aligned and he’s so lucky to have found his soul mate in the schoolyard.’

  Now I wanted to chuck a muesli bar wrapper at someone myself.

  ‘Soul mate in the schoolyard? Please! It sounds like a country-and-western song.’ I laughed in what I hoped was a scornful way. So much for Bradley’s promise to schedule another date. He’d waited, what, eight days before moving on? Not that we’d been involved enough to even call his actions ‘moving on’.

  Jelena smiled. ‘Somebody sounds jealous.’

  Jealous? I wouldn’t have gone on another date with Mr New Age. I just felt hurt that he hadn’t recognised my uniqueness.

  I rolled my eyes. ‘Tarot Card Tina’s welcome to him. Anyway, as I was saying —’

  ‘Yeah, let’s hear your independent woman idea,’ Cass said.

  ‘I think it’d be great if we all got involved in the drama department’s staging of Much Ado About Nothing,’ I said. ‘I researched the play on the net during computer studies and it’s got mixed-up love affairs, corruption and a faked death! Just like any good blockbuster. And if you don’t want to act, the audition poster says there are tons of backstage roles!’ I looked excitedly at them for a response.

  ‘I already saw Mr Peterman,’ Cassie said, naming the head of drama, ‘and told him I was interested in painting sets.’

  I didn’t have to worry about winning her over. Cass is a brilliant painter who takes classes in the city twice a week. I knew those sets were going to be incredible.

  ‘Won’t it be a lot of work?’ Jelena looked down at her perfectly manicured hands.

  I think Jelena must realise that running an international company is going to require a lot of effort, but figures that she’ll delegate.

  ‘I don’t know if I’m so keen,’ Sara said. ‘Do you remember when we did Oliver Twist? Pretending I was an orphan really affected me. I always get too emotionally involved in these things. We had to wear those clothes with patches all over them. I told Mr Peterman that I wanted a costume with patches that coordinated and he refused! So then I had to fix my costume myself, and the sewing lady got angry and —’