How to Keep a Boy from Kissing You

by Tara Eglington

  ‘You’re kicking me out of class because of something the eye can’t see?’

  ‘I can see it. It’s black.’ Ms DeForest pointed at the door. ‘Report to the office.’

  I stormed out the room.

  ‘Tyranny!’ I cried as Jelena and Cassie arrived at the office an hour later.

  ‘Were they really hard on you?’ Cassie asked.

  ‘No, but they warned me that it was my second detention in a week,’ I replied. ‘And this one was totally undeserved. Because of Ms DeForest I’ll probably end up on academic parole or something, never graduate and become a street sweeper.’

  ‘They have machines to sweep the streets now,’ Jelena said.

  ‘Whatever. All I know is the cycle has already begun.’ I gathered my things together so we could head home. ‘What happened after I left?’

  ‘Well, we had to sit through the rest of the two-minute traumatic dances.’ Jelena ran a hand through her long dark hair. ‘The only highlight was Jeffrey’s strip show —’

  ‘Strip show?’ Cassie and I were open-mouthed.

  ‘Yeah, he strutted over to the CD player and put on that old Rod Stewart song, “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?”, then started making suggestive movements and ripping off his clothes.’

  ‘How far did he get?’ I asked.

  ‘He was down to his boxers by the time Ms DeForest threw her mauve shawl over him. When she demanded to know what stripping had to do with trauma, Jeffrey replied that it symbolised his emotional nakedness.’

  ‘I can’t believe this!’ I cried. ‘Jeffrey does an X-rated dance and I was the one to get detention? Ms DeForest is out to get me.’

  ‘Aurora, I’m sure she’s not out to get you,’ Cassie said in a soothing tone.

  ‘No, I think she probably is.’ Jelena smiled at two basketball players walking in the opposite direction. ‘After you left, Aurora, she told the class that you needed to cleanse your aura by wearing quartz crystals.’

  ‘The nerve! You know what I’m going to do?’ My voice rose higher. ‘I’m going to get my aura photographed as evidence. At that Aquarius bookstore in town. Just wait till she sees the blatant absence of black! Just wait!’

  I clenched my fists and saw Cassie send one of her change-the-subject glances to Jelena.

  ‘Let’s go get some ice-cream,’ Jelena said. She believes sugar is the ultimate cure-all.

  ‘Oh, I’m supposed to meet Scott.’ Cassie looked at us. ‘But I can cancel if you need counselling, Aurora.’

  Cassie is so self-denying.

  ‘Are you crazy?’ Jelena said.

  ‘Yeah, Cass, I’ll be fine.’ I smiled at her. ‘I think I’m just going to head home and relax.’

  CHAPTER 12

  The NAD’s Big Date

  When I got home, I did what I always do when I feel angry and frustrated. I began vacuuming with a fury. When I entered the lounge with the droning machine, Snookums and Bebe, who had been curled up together on the sofa, leapt up looking put out. Snookums let out a warlike yowl. For some reason he views the vacuum cleaner as his mortal enemy. If you turn your back on him, he’ll pounce on it. Once he even managed to prise it open (my cats are so intelligent that I’m convinced they should be allowed to join Mensa) and shredded the vacuum bag.

  Bebe started her exercise regime, which involves running at lightning speed from the lounge to the kitchen, then skidding out of control when she reaches the Italian floor tiles.

  Between these two habits, it’s no wonder that I worry about my cats being intellectually deprived. Like teenage delinquents, they’re turning to potentially dangerous activities out of boredom.

  I felt guilt press down on my chest like an anvil. With all the stress of my audition and getting the role of Beatrice, I’d totally forgotten my aim to make Snookums’s and Bebe’s lives more fulfilling.

  For Ms DeForest to act so meanly towards me today, I must be falling behind on the Wheel of Karma. Starting now, I was going to focus on do-good activities and return to my religious quest.

  I ran through the various religions I could choose from as I cleaned underneath the couch cushions. Maybe I should consider taking up Hinduism? It was a religion with a multiplicity of gods; I could pick the best ones — like when you pick and mix your own chocolates at the sweet store. Did that sound sacrilegious?

  I tried to remember the little I knew about Hinduism as I hoovered the rug and Snookums glared at the vacuum cleaner from behind one of the thick cream curtains. There were some downsides. I didn’t live anywhere near the Ganges River, for example, which, according to legend, was supposed to liberate Hindu followers from the cycle of death and rebirth. And the NAD would probably consider India a bit too far to direct his agency from. This was more difficult than I’d thought.

  Christianity? I’d get to keep celebrating Christmas and Easter. And Bible stories were some of the best tales around.

  ‘Aurora?’ The NAD popped his head round the corner, yelling above the roar of the vacuum.

  ‘Dad! How come you’re home so early?’

  I dropped the vacuum and Snookums saw his opportunity. His eyes gleamed as he pounced on his enemy.

  ‘Snookums! No!’ I yanked the vacuum away and Snookums’s paws swiped thin air.

  ‘I was wondering if you could help me?’ the NAD asked.

  ‘Sure thing!’ I yelled, as I pushed the off button on the vacuum and pulled it out of Snookums’s line of sight. ‘What with?’

  ‘I’m having dinner with someone tonight,’ Dad explained as I followed him upstairs to his room.

  ‘You have a date!’

  I knew his odd behaviour the other morning had meant he was hiding something.

  ‘Yes, I have a date,’ he admitted. ‘And I need some help in choosing what to wear.’ He gestured at the fifteen or so shirts thrown over his bed. ‘We’re going to La Bella Donna.’

  I tapped my finger against my chin, like Sherlock Holmes thoughtfully surveying a crime scene. ‘So you want something smart, but not too dressy. Something that reflects the artiness of the restaurant. And, most importantly, something that says, “My outside is great, but my inside is even more interesting.”’

  ‘One shirt’s going to say all that?’ Dad looked even more frightened at making a choice.

  ‘That’s the magic of fashion.’ I pulled out a shirt. ‘There! Perfect!’

  ‘Alright.’ Dad still looked slightly wary.

  ‘Don’t forget to compliment her on her outfit,’ I instructed. ‘Girls love that. And pull her chair out for her —’

  ‘Aurora! I have dated before!’

  ‘And don’t order spaghetti! No-one can pull that off till at least the sixth date —’

  Dad pushed me out the door. ‘I’ll never get to do all that if you keep stalling me.’

  ‘Use hair gel!’ I called through the door.

  This was so exciting! Who knew what kind of cool lady the NAD could end up with? A new woman was exactly what he needed to heal the scars of the divorce. Look at how things were turning around already! I bet it had something to do with my new-found dedication to my religious quest.

  I started vacuuming the hall and reviewing religions again. Perhaps I should consider Buddhism: we were already living in a minimalist way in this house, plus the NAD had recently purchased a Buddha. Perhaps sharing a religion would give us more bonding time.

  I only just heard the doorbell chiming over the roar of the vacuum. I pushed the off button again and shouted, ‘I’ll get it!’

  ‘No, I’ll get it!’ I heard Dad yell from upstairs.

  No way was I going to let him pause in his grooming ritual. I ran for the door.

  I threw it open with a beaming smile. ‘Welcom—’

  The word died in my throat. Ms DeForest was standing on our front steps.

  I blinked. Maybe my imagination had got so vivid that I was seeing visions, like Brutus in Shakespeare’s Julius Caesar. I stared more closely. It was definitely Ms DeForest. That was her abundan
ce of brown ringlets. Her sharp green eyes and narrow nose. Her mouth was a fine line as she stared back at me. A waft of sandalwood blew in on the breeze.

  What was she doing here? Had she decided that I was so spiritually barren I needed extra help?

  Her gaze shifted to a spot behind me.

  ‘Dana! You’re early!’

  I turned around to see the NAD, his face still covered in shaving cream. How did he know her first name?

  Oh my god. I bet she’d called Dad to complain about my behaviour in class. And now she’d come to have some parent–teacher meeting with him. Except didn’t parent– teacher meetings only happen at school?

  I looked back at Ms DeForest. Who came for a parent– teacher meeting dressed in a royal-purple velvet mini-dress and a heavy pink quartz choker?

  ‘You look beautiful,’ the NAD said. ‘I love your dress.’

  My eyes flashed wildly between him and Ms DeForest. Why was my dad giving compliments before a parent– teacher meeting? Was he trying to sweeten her up?

  ‘Thank you, Kenneth.’ Ms DeForest gave him a smooth smile.

  Wait a minute. I took in the NAD’s appreciative gaze and the truth hit me like a wrecker’s ball. I felt my insides crumbling. There was no parent–teacher meeting. Ms DeForest was the NAD’s date!

  My brain let out a scream. And he was using my tips on her!

  ‘Aurora, I’d like to introduce you to Dana DeForest. Dana, this is my daughter, Aurora.’

  Right at that moment, a flying marmalade bundle leapt at Ms DeForest’s velvet dress. She let out a shriek and started batting at it.

  ‘Get it away!’

  She was trying to kill Snookums!

  The NAD and I both raced forward, and he prised Snookums’s claws from the thick material.

  ‘Aurora! Take Snookums upstairs right now!’

  The part of the NAD’s face that wasn’t covered in shaving cream was flushed as he passed Snookums to me. Ms DeForest’s eyes were snapping angrily.

  Thank god for an escape route. I pounded up the stairs.

  Dad’s voice floated up after me. ‘I’m so sorry. Animals — who can explain them? Just give me thirty seconds to get this stuff off my face and we’ll get out of here.’

  Snookums was more than just an animal. He was an advanced, intelligent being who just happened to wear a fur coat. Look at how he’d pounced on Ms DeForest. He never did that to anything he didn’t consider an enemy.

  ‘Snookums! Are you okay, my baby?’

  Snookums let out a pitiful meow. His kitty heart was probably pounding with confusion at what had just happened. I walked over to my window seat with him cradled in my arms like a baby.

  ‘Aurora?’ The NAD’s voice echoed from the front hall. ‘Dana and I are leaving now. I’ll be back around eleven.’

  The front door slammed, and the lights of what I assumed to be Ms DeForest’s car switched on and headed down the driveway.

  This situation was truly pessimal: i.e. maximally bad. Ms DeForest, my most hated teacher, was dating Dad! How had this happened? Where had they met?

  This was just like Cinderella. A girl living alone with her loving father until a new woman came into the picture. I started seeing a vision of myself sitting in the cinders, wearing tie-dyed rags. Where was my Prince? Not that I expected him to save me, but at least he would be a willing ear to listen to my sorrows.

  My bedside phone trilled. It was him! I leapt onto my bed and snatched up the receiver.

  ‘Hello?’ I put on my most intriguing voice.

  ‘Aurora. Thank goodness you’re there!’

  ‘Cass! What’s wrong?’

  I tried not to sound disappointed that she wasn’t Prince Charming.

  ‘Everything.’ Her voice was a moan.

  ‘Everything?’

  ‘Well, not everything, but everything related to DB.’

  ‘Weren’t you going to work on some designs together?’ I asked. ‘How could everything go wrong with that? Is he really bad at painting or something?’

  ‘No! He’s amazing.’

  ‘So what’s the problem?’

  ‘Everything!’ she said again.

  I’d never heard her sound so melodramatic.

  ‘Start at the beginning,’ I told her.

  ‘Well, it started out great. We sat outside on a bench under the trees. Scott bought me a hot chocolate from the canteen —’

  ‘Considerate.’

  ‘Then he pulled out his designs — which make Leonardo da Vinci look like an amateur — and asked me what I thought.’

  ‘What did you say?’

  ‘All I could do was give one-word answers. It’s like I undergo verbal paralysis when I’m around him. Then I went to pick up my hot chocolate and accidentally knocked it over his designs!’

  ‘Oh, Cass!’ My pain over Ms DeForest was totally forgotten. ‘What did he say?’

  ‘Well, we both tried to mop up the mess with our napkins but the designs were covered in brown streaks. He told me not to worry about it but I felt terrible. Then, because half the designs were ruined, Scott said that we should probably reschedule our meeting for Monday, once he’d redone the sketches.’

  ‘Hey, he still wants to meet with you,’ I said in my brightest voice.

  Cassie let out a sigh. ‘We’re assigned together. We have to meet up. Who knows what I’ll do next time? What if I accidentally set fire to the backstage scenery or something?’

  ‘Why would you be working with fire?’

  ‘He’s so perfect! He’d have to be crazy to fall for a verbally stunted, accident-prone girl. Have you seen how many girls are after him? I don’t stand a chance!’

  ‘Cass! Stop with the negativity! You’re looking at this totally the wrong way. Instead of agonising over whether you’re right for him, you should be trying to determine if he’s right for you. Now’s the time to suss out his Prince Potential. You should be asking him questions.’

  ‘Scott,’ Cassie’s voice was dreamy, ‘do you think I’m cute?’

  ‘Not those kinds of questions!’ I shrieked.

  Snookums looked at me askance, probably wondering what all the drama was about.

  ‘Questions about his hobbies, his family — you know the stuff,’ I said. ‘Then he’ll be doing all the talking but he’ll still think you’re a fascinating conversationalist. You know this, Cass. One of your best qualities is how you make people feel heard.’

  ‘You think?’ She sounded more upbeat.

  ‘I know. Just remember your goal next time you meet him — FOMAH. Find Out More About Him. Now go take a bubble bath.’

  ‘See you, Aurora.’

  ‘Good luck, Cass.’

  I placed the phone back on the receiver and let out a sigh. Nine o’clock. Right now, the NAD and Ms DeForest would be seated at La Bella Donna. I pictured the scene. They’d be leaning forward, smiling at each other in the candlelight. The NAD was probably using all my surefire advice on her. Why, oh why, had I given him those tips? I’d thought he was going to use them to woo some enchanting woman, not one who’d sent me off to the school office.

  What did the NAD see in her anyway? My conscience gave a twinge at this mean-spirited thought, but really? I guess she was attractive in an alternative sort of style. But didn’t he see her tendency towards cruelty? Perhaps that only came out in interpretive dance classes. Maybe outside school, she was all sweetness and light.

  What had made Ms DeForest decide to date my dad? Contact from willing spirits? There really should be a law against parents dating teachers. Talk about a conflict of interest. She could be saying anything to the NAD about my aura.

  How far along was this relationship? I had to know.

  I paced the lounge room for the next hour or so. Then, just before 11 pm, I headed down the driveway and climbed the fence onto Hayden Paris’s basketball court. I searched the fence for a hole. Spotting one, I squatted down in front of it. This was the perfect vantage point to view the end of the NAD and Ms D
eForest’s date.

  ‘The view’s clearer from the picket three down.’ Hayden’s voice nearly scared the life out of me.

  ‘What are you doing out here?’ I hissed as I moved down three pickets.

  Hmm. The view was better from here. I scowled. Hayden would know, seeing as he’d observed just about all of my unlucky dates.

  ‘Taking the garbage out, my lady,’ he answered, and gestured towards the black wheely bin he was pulling behind him. ‘And might I ask you the same question? You really can’t stay away from my yard, can you?’

  ‘Hayden, I’m here out of grave necessity.’ I tried to arrange myself more comfortably on the ground.

  ‘Grave necessity, hey?’ He raised his eyebrows in curiosity.

  ‘Yup.’

  I turned back to search the driveway for any sign of an approaching car. I heard Hayden’s footsteps fade away to his front steps. Yes! Maybe he’d decided to leave me in peace. My hopes were dashed when he reappeared with two purple cushions.

  ‘These should make your time in my yard a little less painful.’

  He placed the cushions on the ground, and sat on one of them. I felt tempted to ask who’d invited him, but it was his yard. And he had been nice to me at the bookstore.

  I noticed he was wearing a new cologne. It was clean, like crisp Granny Smith apples. His red shirt was rolled up at the sleeves, showing his tanned arms.

  ‘So what’s our aim, Princess?’ He leant forward, his hazel eyes glistening in the moonlight.

  I turned my gaze away from his and back to the hole in the fence. ‘My dad’ll be back from his date in a few moments and we’re going to observe him.’

  Hayden tried to smother a laugh. ‘You criticise me for spying on you, and now you’re doing it yourself? Isn’t that a bit hypocritical?’

  ‘So now you’re admitting that you spy on me?’ Ha! He’d fallen into his own trap!

  He gave me a wink. ‘I’m just repeating your words from last week.’

  ‘Sure.’ I should have known he’d never own up to his voyeuristic activities.

  ‘Seriously, though, don’t you think your dad can take care of his own love life?’ he said.

  ‘Are you implying that I’m interfering?’ I narrowed my eyes.