Autumn and Summer

by Danielle Allen

  “I have feelings for you too. You have to know that.”

  My heart fluttered every single time he said it. “I know,” I whispered. “But we don’t want the same things. And I’m not trying to set myself up. I know what I want and I know what you want so we should just stop…talking?” I struggled to find the words to accurately describe what it was that we were doing.

  “I don’t want to stop talking to you.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want to stop talking to you either. But we don’t want the same things.”

  “So what do you suggest? That we just be friends?”

  “Yes,” I answer so quietly it sounds like a breath.

  “No,” he responded immediately with an absolute certainty that it almost made me want to laugh. Almost.

  “What?” I sputtered. “You can’t ask me a question and then say ‘no’ to my answer!”

  “Well I didn’t like your answer and I’m not accepting that.”

  My lips gave way to a small smile at his words. Even when I’m sad, he’s so charming, I thought with a sigh.

  “You have to accept it. We don’t have any other options,” I informed him.

  “What I feel for you isn’t the way I feel about my friends.”

  “I feel the same way, but I’m not going to do this to myself. We’re not on the same page right now, and I don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m waiting around for you to be ready.”

  “It won’t be like this for the rest of my life, but right now, I’m really focused on my business. It comes first and I don’t want to disappoint you. You deserve someone who can give you all of their time. I’m not that man. Not right now, at least. And you don’t know how hard that is for me to admit.”

  I silently replayed bits and pieces of our past conversations in my head. Every conversation, every single time we talked and nothing he’s ever said led me to believe he wasn’t exactly what I wanted in my life.

  Emotionally, he’s been there to talk to me and to offer insight and advice. The only way he hasn’t been there for me is physically. And that’s such a big part of a relationship. That’s a deal-breaker for me, I realized. I have feelings for him, but at what cost? Am I willing to forgo what I need, want and deserve to be in a pseudo-relationship with a man who admittedly is telling me he can’t give me what I need, want and deserve?

  Boris cleared his throat. “Autumn, say something,” he urged.

  I rolled onto my back and stared at the ceiling. “If we say we’re friends, what really changes between us?”

  He made an unintelligible noise that sounded like a rumble from deep in his throat. It was soulful and barely audible. And it broke my heart.

  “I don’t want to just be friends. Not with you,” he said.

  In a whisper, I continued, “It’ll be a month next week. If you couldn’t find time for me in nearly a month, friendship is the only thing that makes sense for us right now. ” Unless you free up your schedule and decide that we should be together and live happily ever after, I added silently with a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach.

  A thick silence hung in the air as we both considered our options and what they meant. Our weeks-long, undefined relationship was looking like it was going to be defined with an eraser. I had to stand up and pace.

  “You’re right,” he admitted slowly. “The honorable thing to do would be for me to let you go…just walk away. I’m the one who doesn’t have time for a relationship, so I don’t have a right to be selfish. I just…”

  My heart pounded in my chest. Did I really want to be let go, I questioned internally as I waited with baited breath for his next statement. Or did I just want someone to fight for me?

  His silence told me everything I needed to know.

  We were quietly breathing into the phone, not saying a word. My heart tightened.

  I stopped pacing and braced myself against the frame of the bed. “So this has to be the end…” I decided, my voice conveying everything I was feeling.

  “Dammit,” he cursed softly. “I get it. But you have to know that me not wanting to pursue a relationship right now doesn’t mean I don’t have feelings for you. I can see myself with you, Autumn. I just can’t commit myself to being in a relationship right now because I don’t think I can give you what you need. I’ve already had to cancel a few dates with you. That’s not the type of man I am...especially not with someone like you. But right now, you know what my schedule looks like. And you know my dating history.”

  “And you know mine.”

  Again, we were quiet. I should’ve never let this go this far, I thought sadly.

  “Can I tell you my name at least? So I can hear you call me by my real name at least once.”

  “Yes…” I said, before changing my mind. “No! No! No!”

  “Why, Autumn? Why won’t you let me tell you?”

  “Because if I know your name—if I know who you are—it’ll make this too real for me. I can’t have this be any more real than it already is.”

  “Autumn…” The gentleness in his voice was heartbreakingly sweet. It triggered something within me and I was overwhelmed that it was the last time we’d speak.

  “I need to go. I’ll talk to—take care.”

  Hanging up the phone, my eyes burned with unshed tears for a relationship that hadn’t even had the chance to develop. I flopped on the bed and exhaled. Could this day get any worse? I thought closing my eyes. Trying so hard to not get emotional, I ended up falling asleep.

  Jolted awake by the slamming of the door, my eyes flew open. I sat up quickly and looked around the room in confusion. It took a full minute before the conversation I had with Boris slowly crept back into my mind. My shoulders slumped and I dropped back onto my pillows.

  “Autumn!” Summer called, stomping up the stairs.

  When she got to the second floor landing, I responded, “Hey, I’m in here.”

  She poked her head in my room. Her blonde hair covered most of her face as she said, “I just wanted to say hi before I took a shower. What’s wrong?”

  “What’s wrong with you? Your eyes look pink,” I asked.

  “So do yours,” Summer countered immediately.

  We looked at each other for a minute before we both shook our head, silently concluding we didn’t have desire to talk. “Yeah, you do have to get ready for your gala date,” I pointed out, holding my phone up to show her the time.

  “And you have a date to get ready for. With Noah.” Summer walked all the way in the room and crossed her arms over her chest. “So we’ll talk later.”

  “Okay. We can do it tonight or before brunch with Tati and Liv,” I decided.

  “Works for me.”

  “Noah called earlier and I need to call him back. Anything I should know about him before I return his call? Because I am leaning toward cancelling the date,” I informed her.

  “Cancelling? Why?”

  I sat up and looked at her wide-eyed expression. “Because I am not feeling it right now. I just want to stay home tonight.”

  “Well, I’m going to stay home with you.” Summer shrugged.

  “No, you have to go to the gala! It’s a gala!” I exclaimed, climbing off the bed.

  “If I’m going out, you’re going out. Besides, your date’s name is Noah because he looks like Ryan Gosling.” Summer wiggled her eyebrows and nodded slowly.

  As sad as I was feeling, even that news got my attention. But it was fleeting because the smile that played on my lips ultimately relented to a frown. “I’m just not feeling it tonight, but I don’t want you to miss out on your date and you have to be ready in an hour so… I’ll go.”

  Summer looked at me, analyzing me in the way that only best friends can. “Is this because he isn’t Boris or Jordan? Because that’s not fair to Noah. No newbie is going to compare to Jordan who you’ve hung out with three times or Boris who you talk to every day, multiple times a day.”

  I looked down the moment I heard the name Boris.
Summer, seemingly oblivious, continued, “Jordan is great and if you can get over the whole future ex-wife thing, he would be a good match for you. And Boris…mm mmm mmmm! Boris is also a winner. I know how much you like him now, sight unseen. But just wait until you see him!” She wiggled her eyebrows for emphasis.

  The mention of Boris made my face fall.

  “No! What’s wrong? Did something happen, Auty?”

  “We really don’t have time to get into it. But I promise I’ll be fine.” I smiled at her and walked to my closet, pulling out a form-fitting white Grecian-style gown. “You’re going to wear this one. And you’re going to look so good that whatever happened to you on the shoot will become a distant memory.”

  “That’s beautiful,” she squealed. “Wait, is this the dress you wore in your cousin’s wedding?”

  “Yes…and it was too pretty to never wear again.” I handed it to her. “Now go get showered and dressed! Go! Go!”

  She rushed out of the room and I called after her. “I’ll do your hair and makeup so hurry. Time is running out!”

  Calling Noah, I confirmed our dinner-and-a-movie date and then decided on fitted jeans, a cute top, and killer heels. After styling my hair and makeup, I put on an oversized t-shirt and headed into Summer’s bedroom. She was already showered and dressed and sitting in a chair waiting for me. While I did her hair, she grumbled about her photo shoot with Xavier and his unexpected surprise guest. While I did her makeup, I ended up telling her an abridged version of the conversation I had with Boris. We both held it together, but it was obvious that the events of the day stung.

  I took a step back when I was done and smiled. “You look amazing!” Seeing my handiwork got me out of the funk that I had been in since I’d gotten off of the phone with Boris.

  Turning around to look at her reflection in the mirror, she giggled in surprise. “Wow Auty,” she breathed, turning side to side to see the full scope of the outfit. “I didn’t expect this. I haven’t looked this fancy since our third grade glamour shots!”

  “You are ridiculous,” I laughed as I beamed at my work proudly. “Now I wish we wore the same size shoes because my silver heels would be perfect. But your black ones are the same height so they’ll be fine.”

  “I’ve never felt glamorous before. But this dress with the way you pulled my hair back, I feel glamorous,” she said in an almost awestruck tone of voice while she touched her sleek up-do. “Why do we not go to galas every weekend?”

  I stopped. “Because the tickets were $500 a piece,” I said simply.

  “Ah…rich people.” She shook her head. “Gotta love them.”

  Grabbing her last-minute items, she followed me downstairs. I peeked out the window and smiled. Turning back around, I faced her just as she exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so sorry! Between the drama with Xavier and Boris and you dolling me up, I completely forgot about your date tonight. Where are you going?”

  “Dinner and a movie downtown.” I shrugged and smiled. “It definitely won’t be as cool as the date you will be going on with the hot guy I picked out, but it’ll do.” I said with a wink.

  “Well, I know you will have fun with this guy. Like I told you on Monday, personality wise, I can’t see a better match for you than Bor—” She caught herself and cleared her throat. “But this guy is one of those fun guys that everyone needs in their life! You will definitely be entertained tonight, guaranteed!”

  We said our goodbyes and then Summer opened the door to see the town car waiting for her. I was grinning when she looked back at me with her mouth dropped open. “What? Did you get a car for me?”

  “Hell no! If I’m taking a taxi to the movies tonight, why in the world would I get a car for you, silly?!” I was giddily bouncing around behind her as she gawked at the black town car.

  “Then what’s going on?” Summer asked anxiously, turning back around to face me.

  “He sent a car for you!” I squealed.

  “You knew about this?”

  “Yes!”

  Summer narrowed her eyes at me jokingly. “Wait a minute… you’re going to let me get into a stranger’s car? This isn’t like you at all,” she acknowledged suspiciously. “My best friend is leery of everyone. She would never let me get into the car with a random coworker. Hmmm… my best friend would only be cool with me getting into that car if she really knew the man who was in there.” Moving her hand to her hip, Summer continued, “So it can’t be a work acquaintance. It’s not someone you know casually…”

  I felt my smile shifting from excited to shock at how quickly she’d put the clues together. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I declared, feigning innocence and biting the inside of my cheek to keep from laughing.

  Leaning forward, Summer whispered, “I knew Max was going to pop up somewhere in my ten dates.” Then she turned on her heel and walked away.

  I laughed, causing her to laugh. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I repeated. “Bye!”

  “Bye!” Summer called over her shoulder as she walked to the waiting car.

  I stood on the porch, letting the gentle breeze tickle my skin. When I saw the next available taxi heading my way, I walked down the steps and flagged them down. It seemed as though I had just gotten comfortable in my seat when we stopped at a small independent movie house I had never seen before. I paid my tab and stepped out onto the sidewalk.

  Looking at the marquee, I saw several titles that I didn’t recognize. Shrugging, I walked through the door. The smell of buttery popcorn hit me immediately. People were everywhere, heading in three different directions for the three different films. I looked around for a single man and saw a few. None of them fit Summer’s description of Noah, so I found a seat on a red leather bench near the window and waited.

  I wonder if he’s here already, I thought, checking the time on my phone. I looked around and spotted a cute pair of shoes. Oh, those are cute. I should go shopping soon. Retail therapy could be good for me. Especially with the whole Boris situation. I wonder what he’s doing. I’m sure he’s at work, but… No! I’m not going to do this. I’m waiting for my date!

  I scanned the crowd until my eyes landed on a crowd of people laughing at something a well-dressed bear of a man with an easy smile was saying. He was cute, but it was the charismatic way he had the crowd eating out of his hand that was sexy. Nice smile, I thought as I checked him out appreciatively before continuing to look for Noah. I stood up and walked toward the door.

  As I stood at the column by the door, I heard a voice from behind me. “Hi! I’m sorry I couldn’t get over here sooner.”

  Turning around, I found myself face to face with the well-dressed man with the nice smile. “Oh, hello?” I responded slowly, my eye brows coming together slightly. I was in a difficult position—I wanted to see what the charismatic man wanted, but I also didn’t want to be rude to Noah whenever he showed up.

  “I’m Darren,” he said, reaching out to take my hand. His smile was infectious and posture was perfect. “It’s very nice to meet you.”

  I felt myself grinning up at him. He was so tall and had the stature of a football player. “It’s very nice to meet you as well, Darren,” I responded. “I’m actually waiting for someone though.”

  “Oh, my apologies…my name is Darren, but you probably know me as Noah.”

  Keeping the smile on my face so it didn’t register my surprise and confusion, I said, “Oh! Okay!”

  Ryan Gosling, my ass.

  **********

  Chapter 17: Summer

  “Traffic is backed up for miles, ma’am, we should be there in about twenty more minutes. I just got off the phone with your date and he is aware of the delay,” the driver said.

  I know my date is with Max. Autumn is convinced everyone is a serial killer, so she wouldn’t have let just anyone know where we live or pick me up in a dark, nondescript car. It has to be Max, I thought as we remained stopped in traffic on the way to the Grand Marquee Hotel in the heart of t
he city. Unless there’s someone I’m not thinking of that she’s close to at work, it has to be Max. Right?

  I started nibbling on the tip of my thumb as my curiosity got the better of me. I hope it’s Max. Even though he’s hopelessly in love with Autumn, I hope it’s him. I just need a friend tonight. A friend and some fun. I need a break from dating tonight, I admitted, shocking myself. All of these unexpected emotions are wearing me out and I can’t handle it. If Xavier didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d just sleep with him so I could get him out of my system. I think one good time would do the trick and put a stop to all of these unnecessary emotions.

  I sighed, looking out of the window. I can’t even pretend I’m interested in a new guy right now because Xavier has me completely messed up. Ordinarily, I’d just find a fatal flaw in him…or sleep with him. One or the other. But because it’s Xavier, I can’t do it. The latter isn’t an option. Well the former isn’t an option either, because that would mean I’d have to see him again and I can’t be around him right now. So at least for today, I just need to hang out with Max and enjoy being at a cool event.

  “We’re here,” the driver announced as he opened the back door. I was zoned out to the point that I didn’t even realize we had made it to the hotel.

  “Oh! Hi! Sorry!” I sputtered as I let him help me out of the car.

  “No worries ma’am,” he said slowly. “Your date is waiting for you just through the first set of doors. Have a nice night.”

  I walked up the stairs to the tinted glass double doors of the ritzy hotel, following behind a group of nicely dressed men and women. Getting increasingly excited and curious, I couldn’t stop the huge smile that erupted on my face. Standing in the large space between the first and second set of double doors, I slowly swept my eyes over the people waiting to walk in and the people waiting to walk out. And then between an older, confused couple, he eased into focus.

  Wearing a tuxedo with a white jacket, slicked back black hair and thick, black-framed glasses, he strolled over to me.

  Dramatically fanning myself, I said, “Excuse me, Clark Kent. Is it me or have you gotten hotter since the last time I saw you?”