The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  “Other than complain about a problem that isn’t a real problem? No.” My mouth popped open. He glanced up from where he was scribbling on his notepad and sighed, tossing it on the desk. “I’m sorry. I just have some shit going on.”

  I chewed my bottom lip and fought against the urge to reach out to him. Rhodes was adamant about keeping our relationship private, if that’s even what you would consider it. Whatever we were, we existed outside of the club. Here, we were just a customer and a service provider.

  “Talk to me about it. Maybe I can help.”

  Rhodes scoffed, and the sound was so harsh I tucked my arms tight across my chest.

  “Trust me. You can’t.”

  “How do you know if you don’t tell me?” I asked defensively.

  “Can you just let it go?” He pleaded, his eyes finally meeting mine. They were darker than usual, a green forest with a storm looming. “Please?”

  Sighing, I nodded, but I didn’t feel good about it. I wanted him to talk to me, and that was the first time I realized that what we had — whatever it was — was on his terms.

  “Crap,” I muttered under my breath when I checked my watch. “I think I drained the battery again.”

  “Did you leave the voice recorder on?”

  Silence.

  He sighed, and I half-hoped I could muster a smirk from him, but it didn’t happen. Instead, he just dug through the top drawer of the desk and handed me a new battery. We were done talking for the day.

  Rhodes wrote up suggestions for my meal plan and sent me to do cardio. Then, without another word, he left. I watched the muscles in his back flex as he moved farther away from me. Once he disappeared through the men’s locker room door, I frowned.

  I’d barely cracked him open and already I was losing him. He was pushing me away, and my heart sank at the thought of what it would mean if he succeeded.

  • • •

  Mom and Dale came home from their trip that night. Dale was drunk, or high, or some sort of messed up. It was the first time I’d seen him like that, really seen him like that, and Mom tried but failed to hide it.

  She ushered him to their room quickly when they got home. I was lying on the couch watching Lost, debating on calling Willow. We hadn’t seen each other much since she’d returned from orientation and her going away party was in less than a week. Truth be told, I’d kind of fallen off the face of the earth. Mom and Dale had been gone, Willow was busy getting ready for school, and I had no other distractions to keep me from Rhodes. Even Mason had left me alone.

  I heard my parents arguing upstairs, their voices muffled but loud enough that I knew whatever was happening wasn’t good. It’s not that they hadn’t fought before — every couple had their issues, right? But it seemed more intense that summer, more saturated.

  When the slam of the door upstairs echoed down through the living room, I paused the television, waiting. Mom snailed down the stairs, her hand lightly brushing the railing, her eyes swollen and puffy and streaked with mascara. Even still, she was beautiful. Mom was always so beautiful.

  Rhodes had evaded me at the gym earlier and I knew Mom would try to do the same. Everyone was trying to hide me from something — shield me — but I didn’t want to live in a world where everyone knew the truth but me.

  Mom slunk down onto the couch beside me and I softly hugged her, resting my chin on her shoulder as we both stared at the paused television. She was done crying, or so it seemed, and I watched the tears dry on her cheeks. After a few moments, I finally spoke.

  “Mom, what’s going on with you and Dale?”

  She shook her head. “It’s nothing, sweetheart. It’ll be fine.” She patted my leg and I ground my teeth.

  “Stop that. Talk to me, Mom. What’s happening?”

  Mom paused, but I could tell she felt my insistence. I wasn’t going to let it go. “I don’t know, honey. Dale has an… addiction.”

  The air in the living room grew heavier, and I felt it weigh in around my ears. “What do you mean?”

  “Oh honey, I don’t want to talk about this. It’s fine. He’s okay. We’re okay. I promise.” She smiled at me, but I still found it difficult to swallow. Dale had an addiction? How had I never seen any of the signs? Dale had a few drunken nights, sure. He liked to party, he liked to let loose — but an addiction?

  I shuddered at the thought.

  Then, I studied my mom closer, and wondered what this addiction meant for her. I’d never once questioned that he could lay a hand on her, but seeing her so upset that summer made me think twice. My mom was strong, she always tried to handle her issues on her own, but would she really keep something like that from me?

  She sniffed, leaning away from me just an inch.

  “Mom, I know you think you need to be strong for me, but if he’s hurting you, you can tell me. We can leave. We can figure this out together.”

  She laughed at that, shaking her head and wiping her nose on a tissue. “Oh stop. You and I both know Dale would never hurt me.” She said the words, I almost believed them, but something in her eyes told me she doubted their truth, too. It made my stomach lurch.

  “I love you,” I whispered. I didn’t say it much to my mom, but I did — I loved her fiercely. She gave up more than I would ever know for me as a child, and I wasn’t sure I could ever repay her. Thinking of Rhodes and how easy it was for his parents to just abandon him when they were in a similar situation, I realized how truly lucky I was.

  “I love you too, sweetie. So,” she said with a pop, wiping the remaining tears from her face and replacing them with a smile. “Tell me all about what you’ve been up to since I’ve been gone.”

  Though I wanted to ask more questions about her and Dale, I knew that wasn’t what Mom wanted — so I humored her. I told her about Willow’s program and about the going away party Saturday. I caught her up on the latest developments in Lost, which made her giggle. I filled her in on every stupid, boring detail of my life in the last few weeks.

  I left out everything about Rhodes.

  • • •

  Later that night, Rhodes texted me that he was outside. I didn’t ask questions, I just carefully snuck out of the house, nearly running to the end of my street where Rhodes had dropped me that night after the fair.

  He was leaning against his bike, one foot kicked up on the side, arms crossed, head down, and only the moon revealed that he was there at all. He almost blended with the darkness. I guess in a way, he kind of was darkness — and I was just a tea light candle trying to illuminate him.

  When I reached him, I slowed my pace, hesitant to get too close. From the way he was acting earlier, I wasn’t sure the purpose for his visit — was he breaking things off? Did we even really have anything to break off?

  His eyes lifted slowly to mine when I stopped in front of him.

  “Can I take you somewhere?”

  I didn’t answer. I simply grabbed the spare helmet from where he’d strewn it across the seat, strapped it on, and straddled the leather. Rhodes climbed on in front of me and sparked the bike to life, and then we were off.

  We drove for almost an hour, and I could tell we were a ways from Poxton Beach. When he finally slowed, we pulled into a small park, and Rhodes quickly parked before smoothly climbing off the bike and helping me do the same. He held my hand in his as we made our way to one of the picnic tables beneath a small pavilion.

  The park didn’t have any lights, and in all honesty, it was more worn down than any of the ones I’d ever played at as a child. The dark red paint was chipping off the tables and benches, two of the swings were missing a chain or a seat, and the jungle gym was in desperate need of a facelift.

  I sat on the edge of the picnic table Rhodes led us to, but he remained standing. He stared across the park, his hands tucked into his pockets, his bright eyes wider than I’d ever seen them before. I waited for him to drop the bomb. I could feel it, he was ending it — he was ending us. I wasn’t even sure what we were, but I kne
w with more absolution than I’d ever had in my life that I didn’t want it to end. Not yet. Not like this.

  He blew a breath out of his nose, and that breath lay suspended between us. I held my own, afraid of tainting his, afraid of what that breath meant.

  “We used to come here every Sunday when we were little.” Rhodes’ arms flexed, and he tucked his hands deeper into his pockets. “Our foster parents always had their card games on Sundays, and the house would fill up with strangers, smoke, and booze. So Lana and I would ride our bikes out here. My old house is right up this road,” he said with a nod toward the street we were just driving on. I noted how he called it a house, not a home.

  “We would play around for a while, but eventually we always ended up on the swings. I tried to swing higher than her, and I always fell on my ass trying.” I smiled, but Rhodes’ expression hadn’t changed. He licked his lower lip and swallowed, shaking his head. “Today is her birthday.”

  His words hit me softer than they should have because I didn’t quite understand their magnitude. I’d lost my grandmother when I was really young, but I had no idea what true loss felt like. Staring at his face as his own loss engulfed him, I was sure I’d never want to.

  Rhodes was opening up to me, and it was such a rare occurrence that I didn’t dare interrupt him with my own words. I held the I’m sorry between my teeth and let him continue.

  “She would have been twenty-two. She probably would have had a boyfriend or a fiancé. She always said she wanted to be a lawyer, the kind that are assigned to foster kids, so maybe she would be graduating this year with her bachelor’s. Maybe she’d be applying to law school. Or maybe she’d have a couple of years left before that. I have no fucking idea because I haven’t amounted to a damn thing in my life. I have no concept of school or goals or what it takes to make something of a person.”

  I wanted to pipe up then, to tell him he wasn’t worthless, but he shook his head to stop me.

  “And I was a complete dick to you today because I don’t know how to handle her being gone,” he said, his eyes finally finding mine. His voice didn’t break, but I saw how cracked he was beneath the baritone. “And I’m sorry. Because you didn’t deserve it. You don’t deserve any of the shit I give you.”

  I stood then, wrapping my arms around him and planting small kisses on the exposed skin of his arm. He stiffened at first, not returning my embrace, but then finally, his arms went slack and his forehead fell down to rest on top of mine.

  And that’s when I realized.

  “If it’s her birthday, that means…”

  He nodded against my shoulder bone. “It’s my birthday, too.”

  A pang shot through my chest and I held him tighter.

  “Every year on this day, I’m reminded that I’m still here and she’s not. I can’t even think of celebrating another year of my life when I can’t be sure when hers stopped. Or if it stopped.” He lifted his head, eyes on mine. “And the worst part is that I may never know which it is.”

  “I know,” I whispered, pulling him in closer, just barely touching my forehead to his. “I’m here, Rhodes. I’m right here.”

  He breathed in once.

  Let the air out.

  And then he kissed me.

  He leaned back, sitting on the table and pulling me to straddle him. My legs fell on either side of him, my feet resting on the bench seats, my core pressed firmly against him. Rhodes gripped my hips and I fisted my hands in his shirt, returning the urgency, letting him feel the need. He bucked his hips to meet mine and the friction evoked a guttural moan from my lips.

  I tried with every kiss to erase the crease in his brow, but I never succeeded. Rhodes kissed me and touched me and brought me to the edge of desire with all of our clothes still intact on a frail, beaten down picnic table, all the while with a pained expression on his face. He touched me as if it hurt. He kissed me as if it were the last time.

  And somewhere inside my heart, I felt the demise, too.

  Chapter Fourteen

  DALE APOLOGIZED TO ME as I cooked an egg white omelet the next morning. His dark eyes were framed by even darker circles and his black hair fell greasily onto his face. He looked like shit, and in a way, I hoped he felt like it, too.

  He wanted to make up for the night before, even though it was really Mom he should be apologizing to, so he asked if he could take me shopping. He’d noticed my clothes were fitting loosely with all the weight I’d lost, and he wanted me to have something perfect to wear to Willow’s party on Saturday. Though I wanted to be mad at him, Mom seemed to already have forgiven him, and I loved him enough to want to be able to do the same.

  Plus, I really did want to look good for Willow’s party. It would be the first time Mason and everyone else would see me since the fair, and I was anxious to see their reactions. Nervous, but curious, still. It wasn’t that I wanted Mason back anymore, because I didn’t, but I still wanted him to see that I was doing it, I was changing my lifestyle — for me, not for him.

  Realizing her party was so near, I invited Willow to tag along with us. I missed my best friend, and soon, she’d be far enough away that I wouldn’t be able to cure missing her with just a phone call and a trip to the mall. I wanted to take advantage of it as much as I could.

  “I can’t believe you waited until now to tell me all of this!” Willow whisper-yelled at me in the dressing room of a chic little dress boutique. I’d just filled her in on the Rhodes situation that had developed quickly in her absence, and she was pretty much losing her mind. “I mean honestly,” she added, pulling her small breasts to rest higher in the bright pink dress she was trying on. “This is insane. You. And Rhodes. Do you hear how weird that sounds?” She paused. “Does he even have a first name? I only know him as Rhodes.”

  I giggled. “Actually, I don’t know. I only know him as Rhodes, too.” I made a mental note to ask him about that later. “And trust me, it may seem that way, but it’s not as strange as you’re making it out to be. We kind of… fit. We balance each other.”

  “So are you dating him now?” She quirked a brow.

  “No, not exactly.”

  “What exactly does not exactly mean?”

  “It means I don’t know what we are. We’re having fun, I guess.”

  Willow groaned, whipping around and motioning for me to undo her zipper. “Don’t, Nat. Don’t let him play that game with you. If y’all don’t title it or give it some sort of definition, one of you is going to end up hurt.” She turned to face me once the zipper hit her lower back, shimmying out of the soft fabric. “My bet is on you.”

  “Yeah, I get it,” I said, sighing. “Stop mothering me now and let me tell you about the mind-blowing orgasms.” I blushed at my own words and Willow’s mouth popped open.

  Braiding her long dark hair to the side as we exited the dressing room, she gushed. “Spare no details, woman. I want them all.”

  When Dale wasn’t around, we talked about Rhodes, which was more therapeutic than I thought. I hadn’t told anyone about him, and telling Willow what I’d been experiencing with him made it all feel real. She also made me talk about Mason, which solidified that I really didn’t have a desire to be back with him again. Still, she and I both wondered what it would be like for me the next time I saw him face-to-face, which would be at her party that weekend.

  We found my outfit for the party almost three hours into our shopping trip. Surprisingly, Dale was patient with us the entire day, and he only pumped me full of encouraging praises each time I tried on something new. With every passing minute, I forgave him more, and I realized I wasn’t in any position to judge him when I had my own issues to deal with.

  After we dropped Willow off at her place, Dale turned down the radio in the Vette. It was a hot day and the top was down, but the air was dry, and I knew that would fade the deeper we got into summer. Eventually, the air would be so sticky it’d be hard to breathe.

  “I know I apologized this morning, but I wanted to say I�
�m sorry again. It can’t be easy seeing your mother cry and I hate that I’m the reason behind her tears.” I listened to him intently, my hands folded in my lap, but his eyes remained on the road. “I battle with a lot of inner addictions, Natalie, but I’m not a fiend. I have myself under control, and I’m working on handling the small parts of myself I may not have completely mastered yet. I think we all have demons, don’t you?”

  He turned to me then, and his dark eyes were so sad, so torn, I knew what happened the night before was wearing down on him. I smiled, grabbing his hand with my own. “It’s all good, Dale. I know you love my mom, and she loves you. I’m sure you two will work out whatever is happening between you.”

  Dale squeezed my hand once and I pulled away, looking out my window. I thought maybe Dale would say more, but he just reached to turn up the volume again. Before he did, I thanked him — for the day out of the house, for the new clothes, and for his honesty. He smiled, swallowed, and gave a curt nod.

  There were still so many questions in my head — for Rhodes, for my parents, for life in general — but at the same time, I felt like I was finally finding some sort of footing. My body was changing, and it seemed it was morphing my mind, my goals, my expectations, and so much more right along with it. I didn’t know where the summer would end, but in that moment, I didn’t care. With the sun on my skin and the wind in my hair, I felt alive — adventurous, free, and maybe confident, too — even if just a little.

  • • •

  I missed my training session with Rhodes the day of the shopping trip, so I went for a long run instead. Running was becoming a sort of release for me. I would click on the voice recorder on my watch from time to time to talk through some of my struggles or just jot down random things I wanted to remember later, and I was getting better at remembering to turn it off at the end — though I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t drain another battery or two.