The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  “You know what, Shay? This is my town. These are my friends, this is my best friend’s party, and you’re only here because you took the sloppy seconds of my ex-boyfriend and thought that made you one of us. Well guess what? It doesn’t.” I could feel the same quietness that surrounded me when I first entered the party creeping up again. Everyone was watching us. “I’m still trying to figure out where Mason’s lapse in judgement came from when he decided it’d be a good idea to date you, but since you have to be here until he wises up and realizes he can do better, maybe you could stop obsessing over how I look and what I wear and worry about your own damn self?”

  Shay’s mouth popped open and Tawnya’s followed. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins at the speed of a freight train. Inside I was shaking, but I didn’t let it show.

  “Come on, Willow.” I laced my arm through hers and strutted toward the back door. “We have a game to win. Oh, and since I know you’re watching,” I added, throwing one last glance over my shoulder at Shay’s white face. “How’s my ass look, Shay?”

  The kitchen and living room both broke out into a mixture of laughter and oooh’s. Willow was cracking up and I bit against my urge to do the same. When we finally made it outside, I let it out.

  “Oh my God! I cannot believe that just happened. I fucking love you.” Willow wrapped me in a crushing hug before turning to the party that was outside. “My best friend is the sexiest bitch alive!” Everyone laughed and a few of the guys whistled. I only blushed in return.

  I didn’t see Shay or Mason at all in the next hour. They either left or stayed inside, either option worked for me. It felt good to stand up for myself, even if I did have to stoop to her level to do so, but after the adrenaline crashed, I made my way up to Willow’s bedroom to gather myself. I thought I’d escaped alone, but Willow tailed me, closing the door softly behind us and falling down to sit on the bed with me.

  “I’m fine, Lo,” I said with a sigh. “Go back to the party.”

  “Listen, as much as I want to believe that, especially with your little show in the kitchen, I know there’s something bothering you.” She winked when she mentioned my showdown with Shay, but her smile fell quickly. “You’re thinking about Rhodes, aren’t you?”

  I chewed my lip and nodded, just the mention of his name making my stomach drop. The adrenaline rush had practically sobered me, which just let all the thoughts consumed with him crash in all at once.

  “I just… I almost wish none of it had ever happened, Lo. I wish I would have stopped prying. If I could have just left him alone, let him train me and then gone home and forgot about him until the next session, maybe none of this would have ever happened. He’s either going to treat me like I’m just a client again or he’s going to make it where he never has to see me. Either option kills me.”

  And it did. My stomach may have dropped at the sound of his name, but it twisted and ached at the thought of completely losing him. I was angry with him, I was hurt, I was confused, but I still yearned for him. I had no idea how to handle what was happening.

  It was Willow’s turn to sigh. She shook her head, grabbing my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. “The worst part of all of this is that now you know what having more of him is like. That’s what changes everything, and that’s why you’re struggling with wanting it back and wishing it never happened at all.” She shrugged, her brown eyes softening. “Ignorance is a blessing as much as it is a curse. You can’t crave what you don’t know exists.”

  The truth of her observation hit me harder than anything Rhodes had said to me two nights before. I wasn’t sure what it was that I was feeling until Willow laid it out in front of me like a photograph.

  A knock at the door startled both of us. It slowly opened, and suddenly my adrenaline was back. Or was it nerves? I couldn’t be sure. Mason was standing in the frame, hands in the pockets of his faded jeans, messy brown hair curling at his ears and falling into his eyes slightly.

  “Hey,” he said timidly, looking to me first and then Willow. “Could I… um… would you mind if I talked to Natalie for a second?”

  Willow’s face was stone. She’d invited Mason and Shay only after I’d convinced her that she needed to. She was hell bent on keeping both of them away after she found out what had happened at the fair, but I knew it would kill Mason not to be there for her last night in town. Mason and Willow were almost as close as Mason and I were, and I didn’t want Willow to have to choose. Still, as Mason waited for her to respond, I swore I could feel the daggers she was throwing his way piercing my own skin.

  “Depends. Are you going to be an ass like Shay tried to be?”

  “Willow,” Mason said softly, shaking his head. “You know I never would be. That’s part of why I’m here.” He cleared his throat. “I just wanted to apologize.”

  Willow sniffed, seemingly debating his sincerity. After glancing at me to check if I was okay with it, she pulled her long hair to the side and lifted herself from the bed. “Fine, but don’t make me kick your ass, Mason Carter.”

  Once Willow pulled the door closed behind her, Mason stepped further into the room and it was just the two of us. The last time we’d been alone in a room together was under much different circumstances, and I tucked my hands under my legs at the discomforting comparison.

  After a minute of silence, Mason crookedly smiled, shaking his head. “Natalie, you look incredible.”

  My cheeks heated and I looked down at my red heels, crossing my ankles. “Thanks, Mase.”

  “I’m really sorry for what happened with Shay.”

  “It’s fine. I handled it.”

  At that, Mason laughed. “Yeah. So I heard.” Feeling more comfortable, he took the empty seat on the bed next to me. “I can’t remember you ever standing up for yourself like that, Natalie.”

  I shrugged. “Well, I never felt strong enough to do it before now.”

  Mason’s eyes softened, and I could tell it was from pity. Pity for my insecurities or for his own ignorance of them, I wasn’t sure. Either way, he was staring at me in a familiar way that made me want to curl up under the covers with him. I didn’t want anything more — just the friend who’d left me behind. I couldn’t decide if I was angrier with myself for wanting anything at all from him or confused because before Rhodes, I wanted a lot more.

  “Why are you even with her, Mason?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking. “She isn’t right for you. She’s awful.”

  “She’s not always like that,” he defended, but he still ran his hand through his messy hair and sighed. “I guess I hoped being with me would change her. The first night I met her, she showed me a vulnerable side. She doesn’t show it to anyone else. Most of the time, she puts her guard up.” His eyes met mine. “Kind of like how she did tonight with you.”

  “I don’t think that’s a guard, Mase. I think that’s her being a bitch.” I blushed at the curse word and Mason laughed.

  “Maybe you’re right. I don’t know, I do care about her but…” I swallowed as his words trailed off because he’d moved closer to me, his jeans touching my bare leg. “I have to admit, something is missing.”

  I didn’t have to guess what he meant by something because his Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat and his eyes fell to my lips. He was thinking of kissing me, and my heart raced at the thought.

  Suddenly, the door to Willow’s bedroom flew open.

  “Uh, Natalie?” Willow asked, panic evident in her voice. “Did you invite Rhodes?”

  Mason and I both jumped up from the bed, each for a different reason.

  “He’s here?”

  She nodded.

  I glanced at Mason briefly, his face as shocked as mine, before brushing past Willow and flying down the stairs. Willow was on my tail, yelling how he’d just walked in and poured himself a drink. She’d asked him what he was doing there and he said I’d invited him.

  And technically, I had.

  I tried to remain calm as my foot hit the bottom stair. I
t took no time at all to find him. The room had cleared where he was standing, which was at the edge of the fireplace in Willow’s living room. He was casually leaned against it, one hand tucked in his pocket and the other lifting a pink solo cup to his lips. It was almost comical, except I couldn’t find it in me to smile.

  He probably didn’t notice, but I knew the volume of the party had decreased. People were staring at him, though they tried not to make it obvious, and whispers were flying everywhere. Seeing him standing there so strong and unaffected made it hard to breathe and when his eyes met mine, I gripped the banister of the stairs to steady myself. I needed to know why he was there and what that meant, but before I could build up the strength to walk across the room, Mason’s voice broke through.

  “Wait, Natalie,” he pleaded, grabbing both of my hands in his own. “I don’t know what’s going on with you and that guy, but you have to know your options before you make your next move.” He swallowed and I internally freaked out. “I’ve been going crazy trying to figure out what’s missing with Shay, and seeing you tonight, I know now what it is. It’s you. It’s us. It’s our friendship and our once in a lifetime love that I stupidly threw away.” He squeezed my hands in his and stepped closer. “I want our movie nights and our long drives around town. I want our family cookouts and days at the beach. I want to kiss you whenever I feel like it.” Mason inched even closer and I stepped back. “I want you, Natalie. I want you back.”

  My eyes flicked to Rhodes, and even from the distance I could see his jaw tensed. His hand was gripping the cup he was holding with more force than necessary, the pink plastic warping from the force. I needed to say something, but I had no idea what.

  I looked back to Mason, who smiled softly. “Please, say you feel the same.” His hands cupped my face and he slowly brought my lips toward his. My breath hitched, everything stopped, and my insides were screaming for me to react but I couldn’t.

  “Mason, wait.”

  “I’ve been waiting all night to say this,” he said, his lips dangerously close to me. “I’m not waiting any longer.”

  He was drunk, I could smell the liquor on his breath, but that wasn’t why I didn’t want him to kiss me. I should have wanted him, that was always the plan, but I just didn’t. I tried to find the words to explain, but I couldn’t.

  Or should I say, I didn’t have the chance.

  Just before our lips met, Mason’s hands ripped from where they were cradling my face as a fist crashed into the side of his. In an instant, he was on the ground, curled into fetal position, crying out in agony. His hands flew up quickly to cover the wound but the blood poured through them. I snapped my eyes up to the force responsible and was met with Rhodes’ hard glare. His nose was flared, his eyes wild, and he glanced once at Mason on the floor before turning and rushing toward the door.

  “Oh my God!” Willow sprang into action, dropping to the floor where Mason was still crying out. Dustin quickly followed and the rest of the room crowded around us. My eyes found Mason before searching out Rhodes again in the crowd. My heart was racing. My fingers were icy cold.

  “Natalie,” Mason groaned, reaching out for me. I stared at his hand, but then looked toward the door. When I looked back once more, Mason’s eyes were wide. He dropped the hand covering his face and I winced at the sight of his eye and cheekbone. They were both already swollen, his brow was busted open and blood was leaking down the side of his face. “Don’t go. Did you see what he just did? He punched me. He almost hit you, Nat. The guy’s a monster!”

  I swallowed, searching my heart for the right answer. Mason had almost kissed me, and the me who existed just one month ago would have been cherishing that. She would have fallen to the ground with him, held him, told him it would be alright. She would have taken him back. But the new me, the me that existed in this moment, standing in Willow’s living room with everyone crowded around, didn’t feel any of those desires. I didn’t want Mason back.

  I wanted Rhodes.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, my eyes moving from Mason to Willow. I was apologizing to both of them, but really I wasn’t sorry at all. Willow’s brows bent, but only in a way that warned me to be careful. I knew she would support me no matter what.

  The rest of the room would do the exact opposite.

  Still, I left.

  I parted the crowd with Mason calling after me. Pushing through the front door, my eyes searched in the darkness for Rhodes. He was almost to his bike, so I kicked off my heels and ran. I knew he felt me coming. He heard as I called out his name, but he didn’t stop — not until I reached out and yanked his arm so he would face me. His eyes were still wild.

  “Go back inside, Natalie.”

  “No.”

  “Natalie.”

  “Don’t,” I warned. “What was that about?”

  He shrugged me off, striding more purposefully toward his bike. “Nothing. Go back inside. You heard your little boyfriend. He wants you back.”

  “I don’t care. I want you. I choose you.”

  He laughed. “Wrong decision.”

  Tears pricked my eyes my chest surged with a familiar ache. “Stop this, Rhodes!” He kept walking with me right on his heels. “One minute you’re kissing me, the next you’re telling me I’m nothing to you. Now you’re here.” Desperation sparked through me. “Why won’t you just let me in?” I choked.

  Rhodes spun around, the veins in his neck on full display.

  “Because you can’t fucking fix me, Natalie!”

  “But you fixed me!”

  The pain broke free from my chest and wrapped itself around my entire body, forcing the tears down my cheeks. Rhodes swallowed, his eyes fixed on mine, his face screwed up in a mixture of pain and confusion. He was looking at me as if he had no idea how I could possibly care for him. I stared back wondering how he could be so blind to not see it himself.

  “You came here for a reason tonight, Rhodes. Why? Why are you here?”

  His jaw ticked. “I came to apologize.”

  He wasn’t walking away anymore, so I took a confident step toward him. “So, apologize then.”

  “I didn’t have… I didn’t go home with that woman. From the club.”

  “I know.”

  Rhodes blanched. “You know?”

  Nodding, I moved forward again, this time invading his space to the point of nearly touching him. “I knew you wouldn’t do that to me. I knew you were hurting, and you just wouldn’t tell me why. That’s what you don’t get, Rhodes. You may not want to let me in, but I’m still going to be here, pushing, and prodding, and picking at every single lock until you finally do.”

  “I don’t deserve that, Bug.” He swallowed, but my heart thumped hard against my rib cage at the mention of my nickname. “Do you not see me? Do you not see the kind of person I am?”

  And I knew in that moment that I should have let him go. Every nerve was at attention, as if I were in the presence of a ghost. Maybe it was the ghosts in his eyes, the ones of his past, or maybe it was the ghost of a future I knew we couldn’t have. I should have run. But I reached for him, instead.

  “That’s just it,” I breathed, grabbing his tense arm in my shaking grasp. I slid my index finger to his wrist and pressed hard. “I do see you. I see your heart, Rhodes.” I swallowed. “I feel it.”

  Rhodes winced as if my words had permanently scarred him, then his hands were in my hair and he was kissing me. “I tried to stay away from you,” he murmured against my lips before claiming them again.

  “I know.”

  “I can’t.”

  I shook in his grasp, his kisses stirring up every emotion I had held inside for so long.

  “I know.”

  His lips were fervent, his body pressed against mine like if he didn’t feel me everywhere then I wasn’t real at all. Pulling back, Rhodes ran his thumb over my bottom lip, his neon eyes blazing in the darkness as he searched my own. He was looking for an answer to a question maybe I hadn’t even heard
, and I hoped with every ounce of blood in my heart that he would find it.

  “I don’t want to be alone tonight,” I whispered.

  Rhodes lifted his backpack from his bike and pulled out his spare helmet, handing it to me as a response. In a way, that helmet said more than he ever could have with words. He had wanted me to leave with him. He’d planned on it.

  “Your house or mine?”

  Chapter Sixteen

  RHODES WAS QUIET WHEN we pulled into my drive. I had him park his bike around back just in case one of the neighbors decided to be nosey, and then I led him inside.

  “Do you want something to drink or anything?” I asked nervously, dropping my heels by the door. My feet were dirty from chasing him, but I embraced it.

  “I’m okay.”

  I nodded, smoothing my skirt with my damp hands. “I can make us some food, if you want.”

  Rhodes smirked, and his fierce eyes smoldered with it. “I ate earlier.”

  “Oh. Okay.” I chewed my lip and he stepped a little closer.

  “Are you nervous, Bug?”

  I laughed, and it was a higher pitched noise than I’d ever experienced from my own mouth. I couldn’t even try to deny it after that, so I cringed. “Yes. And I don’t know why.”

  That was a lie. I did know why. Rhodes was alone with me in my house and I wanted him to touch me. I wanted all of him. I just didn’t know if he would be willing to let me have him.

  Rhodes chuckled, reaching out and pulling me into his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and tried to calm my breathing. Slowly, he lifted my chin and pressed his lips to mine.

  He kissed me slow at first, but I pulled at his shirt, demanding more intensity. Groaning, Rhodes delivered, snaking his tongue into my mouth and gently tugging on my curls. I opened my mouth with a moan and he kissed down my neck, sucking at my collarbone before moving to pull my ear lobe into his mouth. “Take me to your room.”

  My mouth collided with his again as we stumbled up the stairs, stripping off clothing as we went. Rhodes’ hands were hard on my hips as he slammed my back against the railing, breaking our kiss just long enough to make quick work of his shirt. His lips found mine again in a frenzy and he lifted me, my ankles hooking behind his waist as he took me a few more stairs. My back hit the wall next and I dropped my legs so he could pull his jeans to the floor as I unclasped my bra. We were all hands and breaths and lips, clothes landing on each step. By the time we fell into my sheets, I was completely nude and Rhodes wore nothing but his boxer briefs. Straddling him, I pushed off his chest and ran my fingers over his abdomen.