The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  Rhodes shook his head. “Why didn’t you just fucking tell me? I would have killed him, Lana.”

  “That’s just it,” she said. “Either he would have killed you, or you would have killed him and ended up in prison for the rest of your life. Both scenarios meant me losing you forever.”

  Rhodes bit his tongue, but his grip tightened on my leg.

  “I was your twin sister, William. And everyone else who was supposed to care for you in your life had failed. I couldn’t be the next one.” She paused for a moment. “So, I did what I had to do. I just needed time to make a plan, but in the meantime, I played his game.”

  Officer Martino and Rhodes both ground their teeth at that.

  “But every time he assaulted me, it got worse and worse. He started leaving bruises, marks that were calling attention from you.”

  “I thought you had an asshole boyfriend,” Rhodes said. “I was trying to find out who it was so I could pummel the little fuck.”

  “And you were asking me questions. Too many questions. I knew it was only a matter of time before you found out and went after Dale. I couldn’t take that chance. I refused to lose you to some monster.” She swallowed. “So I left.”

  I felt Rhodes arms go slack next to me, and I found his hand, squeezing it with my own. I was still shaking, still broken from the night, but I tried to be his strength.

  “So you’ve been hiding out ever since?” I asked.

  She laughed a little. “I wish it were that easy. The first night I was gone, I stayed in a hotel under a fake name. Paid with cash. But when I went out to get food, I came back to a trashed room, all my belongings gone or ripped to shreds. It was Dale. He wasn’t going to let me leave.

  “I didn’t know where to go, but I knew I couldn’t stay there, so I just started walking. I packed the blanket off the hotel bed and a pillow and I just walked. That’s when I found the boat yard.”

  “So that’s why we found your bracelet there,” I breathed.

  Lana nodded. “It must have snagged on one of the boat lifts when I left. I stayed there for two weeks. I was trying to lay low, figure out my next move, but I was scared. Dale’s crooked ass cops had already raided two nearby hotels and I felt them getting closer. I barely ate, I was dehydrated, I was scarred and depressed and terrified.”

  “And that’s when I found her,” Officer Martino said, pulling her a little closer. She smiled up into his dark eyes and he brushed her hair behind her ear.

  “That’s when he found me.”

  “Where did you go?” Mom asked. I had almost forgotten she was in the room.

  “Phil took me to his place. He lives alone about twenty miles out of town, never has friends over since his place is so far and everyone else lives close to the station. It was easy enough to hide me, though we had a few close calls.

  “He fed me, got me back to health, and I confided in him. He knew about Dale and though I had a hunch, he confirmed that I wasn’t the first girl this had happened to.”

  A small cry escaped Mom’s lips.

  I turned to her again, a sick realization settling in. “Did you know about this?” I asked, my face twisted in disgust. “Is this his addiction, Mom?”

  “I knew he was addicted to sex,” she said with a cough. “He cheated on me, that much I knew. But I never knew… I didn’t realize it was with… that he… that they didn’t… Oh God.” She shook her head, covering her mouth with both hands as she squeezed her eyes tight.

  “It’s okay,” Lana soothed her. “Trust me, Dale was good at covering his tracks. His cop and doctor friends were practically the only ones who knew. And he paid them very, very well to keep it that way.”

  “I just… I feel responsible. I’m his wife, I should have known.”

  “It’s not your fault. You’re not him, Mrs. Poxton.” Mom squeezed her eyes tighter and shook her head at her own last name. It was no longer a name of privilege. It was tainted, disgraced.

  “So you just stayed holed up in his house for three years?” Rhodes asked, snapping us back to the story.

  “Phil and his partner were sick of Dale’s shit, but anyone who stood up to him was quickly fired and left without any other possible job prospects. Dale wasn’t afraid to exude his power. So, they kept the peace at work, did what they had to do to fly under the radar, but secretly, they helped me find other girls who had been through what I had. We started with old police reports, tracked down the girls, found other girls through them — it was a chain of discovery. A painful one, but one that we slowly unraveled until we had a solid case.”

  “We didn’t want to even try to go after him with anything less than ten credible victims,” Officer Martino explained. “And we were stuck at seven for two years.”

  “Until about a month ago, when seven other girls showed up at Phil’s house saying they heard it was a safe haven. They had all been living by Dale’s rules, but word slowly spread about what we were doing.” She looked to Mom. “I think that’s why Dale started acting crazy. He was losing it, he knew we were up to something, he just didn’t know what.”

  Mom squeezed her eyes tight and I thought back through the summer of hell she’d endured. Suddenly, it all made sense. Maybe she didn’t tell me what was going on with Dale because she truly didn’t know herself.

  Lana shrugged. “Once they came to us, we knew we had enough, and that’s when we started planning our move.”

  “Why didn’t you call me? Leave a note? Let me know you were alive?”

  Lana swallowed, her eyes glossing over. “I wanted to, William. I hated leaving you behind, watching you suffer, watching you worry. But Dale was watching you, too. The private detective you were paying was one of his crooked cops. He was keeping tabs on you, making you believe I was being looked for when I wasn’t. He was exerting control over the situation by stunting you and at the same time warning me. It’s as if he was letting me know how easy it would be for him to end you.” She shook her head. “Dale was acting crazy the more girls disappeared. I listened to girl after girl tell me the horror stories about their families or boyfriends killed in ‘freak accidents.’ I didn’t want you to be next.”

  “He killed people?” Mom and I asked at the same time. The horror on her face matched what I felt deep in my gut, but I wasn’t sure if I was showing any emotion.

  Lana swallowed, her brows bending in sympathy for our ignorance. “He didn’t, no… but he had them taken care of… by others.”

  Mom sobbed and I covered my mouth with my hand, my stomach sinking even lower as chills broke out on my arms.

  “But she still looked after you, and made sure I did, too,” Officer Martino said, bringing our attention back to the story. “I know it feels like she abandoned you, but I had to fight her every night to get her to stay away. You’re the only thing that matters to her, William. She wanted you safe.”

  “But I’m supposed to be the one who protects her,” he said, his voice shaky. I gripped his hand tighter.

  “This was something I had to do on my own, William. It was messy, and involving you would have only made the situation worse.”

  “But you did leave him a note,” I pointed out. Shifting uncomfortably on my bar stool, I dropped my head. “The one about me.”

  Officer Martino’s face hardened and Lana cringed. “I’m so sorry, Natalie. You weren’t the only one I hurt with that note. I seriously put myself and our entire investigation at risk, but I couldn’t help it.” She sighed. “I always checked in on William, and when I found out he was your trainer, I was already wary. But one night, you left his house late, and I watched him run out after you had already peeled away. He was standing there with his hands on his head and this look on his face… I knew right then that he was falling for you, and all these red flags flew up in my head. You were Dale’s daughter. Dale wanted to kill William. I felt like I had to warn him.”

  “Even though I made her swear to me that she wouldn’t,” Officer Marino muttered through clenched teeth. />
  “He did. And I begged him to let me reach out to you but he refused. We were so close, we just needed a little more time. But I couldn’t take it. I snuck out of his house and went back to the boat yard with a bottle of whiskey I stole from under his sink.” She eyed where my mom’s hands were gripped around her coffee mug. “I don’t know. I was just so unstable, so afraid of what would happen. For a while, I just sat there, wondering if everything I did up until that point was right. I was drinking, I was emotional, and by the end of the night I decided I couldn’t just sit back anymore. So I wrote that note. I thought I tore the bottom off completely, I figured there was no way he would figure out where it came from.”

  “When I found you two trespassing, I discovered she didn’t keep her promise to me,” Officer Martino added. “I had already radioed in the call when I realized who you two were. By that time, it was too late — they’d already called Dale.”

  My head was spinning. Pinching the bridge of my nose, I tried to make sense of everything. “I still don’t understand tonight. How did you know he would… that Dale would…” I couldn’t even finish my sentence.

  “We didn’t,” Rhodes said, rubbing my hand still clasped in his. “Right after I ended the call with you, Lana showed up at my door.” He paused, his face as white as if he were still seeing Lana as a ghost. “She was trying to tell me this same story, about Dale, about why she left, about finally being able to be back now that she had a case. She wanted me to come away with her to finish what she’d started. She was ready. She was talking so fast but I didn’t really grasp anything because all I knew was that you were late. You should have been at my place by then. I don’t know…” his voice trailed off. “I can’t explain it. I just felt it. I knew something was wrong. Then I tried calling you and your phone went straight to voicemail.”

  It was then that I realized I had left my phone upstairs after my shower.

  “We took my bike, got here as fast as we could and I heard you screaming from the driveway.” His jaw ticked and he clenched the fist not holding mine. “I didn’t know what to expect when I broke through that door.”

  My mom cried, and I just stared at the still broken door he was referring to. It was all too much. I couldn’t wrap my mind around the information dump we’d just experienced.

  All the pain Rhodes had experienced in the past three and a half years was because of my step-dad. The same step-dad who I’d grown up loving, trusting, idolizing. I wanted to be like him. The thought now made me sick and I lurched forward off my barstool, reaching the sink just in time to lose what little food and coffee I had left in my system. Rhodes rushed to my side, pulling my hair back and rubbing my back.

  “I know this is a lot,” Officer Martino said softly. “I think we all need a night to just process everything. Mrs. Poxton, you should get some rest.”

  “I’m not feeling very well, either,” Lana said, leaning her weight on his shoulder.

  “Come on, let me take you home.”

  “Wait.” Rhodes made sure I was okay as I turned to face the room again. He offered me a cup of water and I took it gratefully as he crossed the room to his sister. For a moment, they stared at one another, and the rest of us stared at how similar they looked. Rhodes pulled her into him, crushing her with a hug so fierce, so strong, built from more than three years of loss and given with a sigh of relief. She squeezed her eyes tight, tears sliding through the creases of her skin as she buried her face into his shoulder.

  “I love you, William. I’m so sorry I left you. I’m so sorry about everything.”

  “Don’t,” he stopped her. “You’re alive. You’re here. That’s all I care about.”

  They held each other a while longer before Rhodes finally pulled back, letting Officer Martino escort Lana outside. We promised to all meet up for a late lunch the next day to talk more. There was a lot to do now that Dale was in jail and witnesses were gathered, and we all knew they wouldn’t hold him long. He would likely post bail in the morning. We wouldn’t be truly free of him until after the trial.

  Rhodes and I packed up bags for my mom and myself, grabbing everything we thought we’d need. We had no way of knowing if or when Dale would return, but we did know it wouldn’t be safe for any of us to stay in the house. Mom was a complete mess. She had stopped talking, and Rhodes had to carry her out to the Rover. We drove in silence to his house, Rhodes following behind us on his bike.

  When we got to Rhodes’ apartment, he waited in the kitchen as I laid Mom down in his bed. She was shaking slightly, so I pulled the covers up to her chin.

  “I’m so sorry, baby,” she whispered, fresh tears brimming her eyes before falling to the sheets. “I didn’t know. I thought our issues were between us — a cheating husband, a faithful wife. I never knew… I never would have imagined…”

  “I know, Mom. It’s not your fault.”

  She squeezed her eyes tight, fighting back a sob. “But it is. I brought you up in the same household as a monster. I put you in danger. He almost… he could have… Oh God, baby, I’m so sorry!” She reached out for me and I hugged her fiercely, shaking my head against her.

  “You didn’t know, Mom. It’s not your fault. I’m okay. We’re okay.”

  She cried, and I held her, trying to be the support she needed while still battling with the night on my own. After a while, her cries softened and she closed her eyes, resting back against Rhodes’ pillows. I brought her a glass of water and set it on the bedside table before quietly shutting the bedroom door behind me and rejoining Rhodes in the kitchen.

  We looked at each other for what felt like the first time that night.

  “Can we go somewhere?”

  Rhodes didn’t answer, only grabbed the keys to his bike.

  I called Christina, telling her what I could about what happened and asking her to go to Rhodes’ place to keep an eye on mom. I hoped she would sleep, but just in case, I didn’t want her to be alone.

  The sun was on the horizon as we drove toward the beach. Rhodes parked his bike in one of Dale’s reserved spots and held my hand as we made our way to the water. I fell down into the sand right at the water’s edge and Rhodes slowly maneuvered himself down to sit next to me.

  “I would give every last penny in my savings account to know what you’re thinking right now,” he whispered over the waves. His eyes were on me, mine were on the soft yellows and blues of the sunrise over the ocean.

  “My step-dad is the reason you’ve spent the last three years of your life in absolute hell,” I said. “I’m tied to the biggest pain in your life. I can’t believe I never saw him for what he was. I can’t believe I trusted him. I loved him. I thought he loved me.” My voice broke a little, but I cleared my throat. I refused to shed any more tears over Dale Poxton.

  “Bug, he was the reason for what happened to Lana. To me. Not you.”

  “Are you okay?” I asked, turning to face him. I didn’t want to talk about Dale anymore.

  “Honestly? No,” he answered. His bright green eyes were tinged a sort of aqua with the blue of the sky playing in them. “But I think I will be. I’m more worried about you at the moment.”

  “Me?”

  He nodded.

  “I’m fine. Shaken up was my diagnosis,” I joked. Rhodes didn’t return my smile.

  “What happened to you tonight was serious, Natalie.”

  “It didn’t happen. You saved me.”

  He swallowed. “Even still. I wasn’t there to stop him from hitting you, or saying what I can only imagine were words you’ll never forget.”

  An ache squeezed around my heart and I clutched at the fabric of my tank top. Rhodes pulled me into him, kissing my hair.

  “I think I’ll be okay, too.” I finally whispered into his chest.

  “Maybe we both will be.”

  I sniffed. “Are you really leaving?”

  Rhodes sighed, tilting my chin up to look into my eyes. “Not without you.”

  He captured my lips with hi
s own, promises dancing between us in the morning light. I tangled my fingers in his hair and he held me tighter, deepening our kiss. Neither of us had any idea where we went from that moment, but finally, and without any doubt, we knew we’d never face whatever it was without the other.

  “I love you,” he whispered against my lips. “I don’t want you to think I’m just saying it now because of what happened tonight. I’ve felt it for weeks, maybe longer. I should have said it when you did, or hell, before then. You said it hit you all at once, but I felt every single inch of the fall. I tried so hard to fight it, to not let myself be selfish enough to love you knowing who I am and what I’m capable of.”

  “Stop,” I breathed, kissing him again. “I know. You never had to say it.”

  He frowned, his eyes on mine. “Well now I’m never going to stop.”

  I smiled against his mouth as he kissed me again, harder this time, with promise and purpose, greed and carefulness. His brows knitted together, and I wondered if he’d ever be able to kiss me without feeling like he didn’t deserve to.

  “I love you too, William,” I said softly. He pulled back, his eyes questioning the name. He opened his mouth to argue, but after a pause, simply closed it once more. Because he knew then what I had known all along.

  He was my resolute protector now.

  Sliding his hand into mine, he pressed two fingers firmly against my inner wrist. I felt my heartbeat pound beneath his touch and I moved my own fingers to mirror his. My heart was racing, but his was slow and steady. Soon, they evened out, beating as one together. William pressed his forehead to mine and I inhaled the first breath of my new life.

  That summer had changed me in more ways than I could even understand. I had challenged myself and found strength I didn’t know I had. I’d taken risks, risks that lead to a passion and love unlike anything I’d experienced before. And yes, I had lost an innocence that up until that point had played a huge role in who I was.