The Pain in Loving You

by Steiner, Kandi

  “There’s nothing like this,” I whispered as a tame wave rolled under us. Jamie turned to face me, but I kept my eyes on the horizon. “There are so many amazing things to see, so many different cities and places, but nothing compares to the way you feel sitting on a board, waiting for a wave.”

  Jamie followed my gaze. “I know. It teaches you patience, reminds you how insignificant you really are while also somehow making you feel invincible, too.”

  “Like a soul cleanse or something.”

  He nodded. “It’s not the same without you either, you know.” His right foot brushed mine under the water. “It’s weird. I surfed before I met you, I surfed all the time after you left Alder, and I still surf now that you’re gone, but it just feels different when you’re not here. Same board, same waves…” His voice trailed off. “Different vibes.”

  I smiled, squinting against the strengthening sun as I peered over at him. “Always such a charmer, Jamie Shaw.” He blushed, and I swore it was the first time I’d ever seen it happen. “You’re going to have to tone that down once you have a wedding band on your finger.”

  He laughed. “I think Angel will scare all the girls away without any help from me.”

  “No shit,” I agreed quickly. “Like a pit bull in a sundress, that one.”

  “She loves me, and she’s not afraid to go to bat for me if she has to,” he said, and even though I didn’t think he meant it to be a jab at me, it felt like one anyway. Jamie blew out a breath on a laugh then. “Holy shit, B. I’m getting married. Tomorrow.”

  He lifted a brow at me, shaking his head as one of the brightest smiles I’d ever seen spread on his face. He really was so happy, and in that moment, I was, too.

  “You ready?” I asked.

  He stared at my hands on my board, thinking. “Yeah. I am. I really am.”

  When his eyes found mine again, they were tinged with just the smallest hint of sadness. I think he saw it mirrored in my own, and he kept my gaze there, not letting me look away. We both felt it in that moment, the reality of it all. He was gaining the woman he’d love for the rest of his life, but he was losing me in the process. Maybe not all the way, but we both knew it would never be the same after that weekend.

  We didn’t let ourselves mourn, though.

  We surfed all morning, skin tight with sun and salt by the time we loaded up our boards and grabbed a quick bite to eat at one of the beach bars. We talked, we laughed, and for a few hours, it was just us. For all we knew, it’d be the last hours we’d ever have alone together, and we spent them wisely.

  When we climbed back into his Jeep, I kicked off my sandals and propped my sandy feet on his dashboard, leaning back against the leather seat with a sigh. I closed my eyes, head dropping back against the headrest, and then I felt Jamie’s hand on mine.

  I turned my wrist, palm facing up to find his as his fingers wrapped around mine. Head still back, I turned to face him, cracking my eyes open slowly. For just a flash of a second, we were seventeen again, and I remembered that first night in his Jeep like it was happening in that moment. Jamie asked me something then, not with words but with a longing look. He wanted to say something, but it was stuck in his throat, and I knew it was better if he didn’t say it out loud at all. So I squeezed his hand, and he gave me a tight smile before pulling his hand from mine and sparking the engine to life.

  Looking back, we were stupid to think everything would work out. What did we expect, really? I’m not sure. The truth was we were acknowledging the fact that he was getting married while simultaneously ignoring it, too. It was a dangerous dance, neither one of us leading, both of us waiting for a cue from the other that would never come.

  Jamie decided on a whim that he wanted to go camping for his bachelor party instead of just going to the bar. It seemed like such a small thing, an impulse decision, a fun reroute in the weekend, but it ended up being the first domino that brought the rest down in a loud, beautifully chaotic crash.

  And all we could do was watch it happen. In slow motion and lightning speed all at once.

  • • •

  Jamie had the strangest group of groomsmen.

  As if having me as his “best man” wasn’t already weird enough, he didn’t have a single guy in his party who he’d known for longer than three years. Two of them were buddies from work, and the other was Angel’s older brother. Don’t get me wrong, he seemed close with all of them, but it was strange to me that he didn’t have a more personal connection to the guys standing beside him on his big day. I realized then that Jamie was particular about whom he opened up to, who he let in, and I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed that about him before.

  The two guys from work were Ryan and Charlie, and they couldn’t have been bigger opposites. Ryan was tall and lean, with strawberry blonde hair and more freckles on his cheeks than me. He was hilarious, always cracking jokes, and he and Jamie were like two peas in a circus pod when they were together. Charlie, on the other hand, was a dick. At least, that’s how I perceived him. He was tall, too, but every inch of him was muscle. He had dark skin, dark hair, dark eyes, and he wore a constant frown. He never joined in on jokes with the other guys, and he seemed to always be scrutinizing me, like he was suspicious of me. Maybe he was, I couldn’t be sure because he did everything he could to avoid talking to me. Jamie showed him a high level of respect, and I wondered if that grew out of work or personal experience, but didn’t care enough to ask.

  Angel’s brother, Andrew, looked just like her. Blonde hair, tan skin, bright green eyes. He seemed a little suspicious of me just like Charlie, but he was nice to me, and actually talked to me more than the other two combined. He was nice, but I couldn’t see a strong vibe between him and Jamie. I wondered if he was just in the party because Angel wanted him to be, but again, I didn’t care enough to ask.

  Still, oddball bunch that we were, we were having a blast. We’d packed Jamie’s Jeep and Charlie’s truck with camping gear, way too much food and an obnoxious amount of booze and headed out to the springs. I’d never set up a tent before, and to be honest we all kind of sucked at it, but we figured it out eventually, with the help of Bud Light, of course. It was so low key and casual after that, just the five of us hanging around a fire drinking and eating and laughing. We set up a table and played drinking games, which I hadn’t played since college, and I found out that though my surfing skills hadn’t waned over the years, my ability to get a stupid white ping pong ball into a red plastic cup had.

  It was an easy night, relaxed, and that’s just what Jamie wanted. I loved him even more for that, for not wanting strippers and gambling and cigars. No one in the group seemed to care that we weren’t out on the town, either. We were all content, and for a while, I relaxed. The weekend hadn’t been so bad after all.

  But it wasn’t over yet.

  “You know, most girls would have been annoying in this situation,” Charlie said to me later that night when we were all sitting around the fire. Jamie was in the middle of telling Andrew a story and Ryan had already passed out in his tent.

  “What do you mean?”

  He shrugged, still not smiling. He never smiled. “I don’t know. Some girls say they’re ‘one of the guys’, but really that just means they fake interest in sports or cars or something else to seem cool and secretly hope they’ll get pined after. I kind of expected you to be like that.”

  “And did I surprise you?”

  “Kind of.” He sniffed. “I mean, you clearly know nothing about sports, but you don’t pretend to. You’re just yourself. And it should be weird for you to be camping with a group of guys, but it’s not. You’re not flirting with any of us, you’re not saying stupid shit.” I thought he was going to continue, it sounded that way, but he just stopped talking, and I cracked a smile.

  “So then why only kind of?”

  Charlie drained the last of his beer, crushing the cup and tossing it into the bag we’d set aside for recycling. “You may not be a fake chick t
rying to be one of the guys, but you are in love with Jamie.” His hard eyes landed on me then and the smile fell from my lips. “You’re keeping your cool on the surface, but I see it. You and Jamie are both playing with fire, and I don’t want to be here when everything goes up in flames.”

  My heart was racing, and as much as I wanted to be pissed at his accusatory tone, I didn’t blame him for it. “I wouldn’t… I would never…”

  He stood. “I don’t doubt you. But you’re also not the one I’m worried about.” His eyes were on Jamie then, and Jamie’s were on me. I looked back up at Charlie, and he cocked a brow. “You wouldn’t make the first move, but what would you do if he did?”

  I opened my mouth, but clamped it shut again because the question was rhetorical. Charlie didn’t even wait for an answer.

  “See you guys in the morning,” he called over the fire, retreating into his tent before anyone responded.

  “Yeah, I should probably turn in, too,” Andrew said.

  Jamie threw his arms up, spilling a little beer out of his cup with the motion. “Oh come on! It’s not even one yet!”

  “You get married tomorrow, remember champ?” Andrew said, smiling and clapping Jamie on the back as he stood. “We all have to be up and out of here pretty early.”

  Jamie laughed. “Yeah yeah, fine. Pansies.”

  Andrew flicked him off and I chuckled as he disappeared into his tent.

  “What about you over there?” Jamie asked, eying me over the edge of his cup as he took a drink.

  Charlie’s words were in my head, and I almost told Jamie I was going to turn in, too. But he was clearly nervous about the next day, that’s what I saw that the other guys had missed, and he wasn’t ready to sleep. Everyone else had bailed, but I wasn’t going to do that to him. Shaking off Charlie’s warning, I moved to sit in the chair next to Jamie.

  “Sleep is overrated.”

  He smiled, his glazed eyes holding mine. “You’re the best, B.”

  “And don’t you forget it.” I cheers-ed his plastic cup with mine and we both drank, not needing to say anything else.

  For a while we just talked, a little about the wedding and a lot about everything but. Somehow we ended up on our phones, taking turns showing each other stupid videos on YouTube and laughing until we cried. I’d just pulled up a video of a prank gone wrong that I knew Jamie would get a kick out of when nature called.

  “Here, watch this,” I said, shoving my phone into his hands and standing. “I have to find a bush to pee in.”

  He laughed. “Gross.”

  I curtsied, then skipped off behind the tents.

  I had almost made it. I had almost escaped the weekend without much more than a bruised heart. But when I made my way back to the fire, Jamie held my phone in his hand, but he wasn’t looking at it anymore. His elbows were on his knees, eyes on the flames, and I could see the wheels spinning. I slowed as I reached him, not even bothering to take my seat. I just stared at him, the dirt stains on his t-shirt, the way the firelight battled the shadows of the night on his face. It felt like an eternity stretched between us before he stood, holding my phone screen-side out toward me. “You kept my voicemails?”

  I glanced at the screen, seeing my voicemail log, all filled with his name. I swallowed, taking the phone from him and clicking the screen light off before tucking it in my back pocket, my hand staying there. “Yes.”

  “You used to listen to them, those years when I was at Alder.” It wasn’t a question.

  “Yes.”

  He nodded, swallowing. “Do you still listen to them?”

  An ache zinged through my chest and I crossed my arms over it. “Sometimes.”

  Jamie lifted his eyes to me then, brows pinched together. “Why? You can call me, B. Anytime.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I don’t think your fiancé would have appreciated another woman calling you at two in the morning.”

  His eyes fell to my legs, and for a moment I thought he was going to argue with me, but he thought better of it. Up until that point, Jamie had been fooling himself. He thought he could marry Angel and keep me, too — but he couldn’t. Not the way he wanted to. I didn’t envy him, because I knew he loved her — I knew he cared for her. But he was a slave to the way he felt about me. I knew, because I was in the same shackles.

  “We should get some sleep,” he finally said.

  “Yeah” I sighed, tucking my hair behind my ear before sliding past him toward my tent. “Night.”

  My shoulder brushed his bicep as I passed, and his hand shot out, wrapping around my wrist. I stilled, and he pulled me into him, wrapping his arms around my waist. At first I stood there, arms still by my side, but slowly, I trailed them up over his arms to latch my hands behind him. He buried his face into my neck, barely breathing, and the fire crackled next to us, giving the air the energy to keep us spellbound.

  “Goodnight,” he said, but he was still holding me. His hands gripped my waist, and a low groan rumbled in his throat. That one sound was directly linked to the heat that had settled in a pool low in my stomach and it sprung to life, filling me, clouding my head. Jamie angled just an inch, his lips grazing the skin of my neck, and I shivered. His breath was hot, laced with alcohol and the same honey sweetness I remembered so well. Just that one touch from his lips sent flashes of our nights together behind my eyes — his fingers inside me on the beach, his mouth on me in his kitchen, his eyes on me while I touched myself for him miles away in Pittsburgh. It all rushed in, and it was too much. My self-control was already a futile thing, and now it was virtually deceased.

  “Jamie…”

  As soon as his name left my lips, I regretted it — because I meant it as a warning, but it came out as a plea — and Jamie answered, effectively snapping the energy band that had been white hot and electric between us since I landed. His tongue dragged the length of my neck, teeth biting my jaw softly before his lips claimed mine. We both inhaled together, hearts racing as my arms tightened around his neck and his fingers bruised my hips.

  I whimpered against his mouth, everything inside me screaming to stop while my hands pulled him closer. I was clawing at his back, dragging my nails through his hair, begging him not to stop when I should have been throwing him off. He kissed me just like he always had, full lips and expert tongue, hands strong and possessive.

  My eyes shot open, scanning the tents, heart racing at the thought of one of the guys hearing us or worse — seeing us. As if he read my mind, Jamie backed me into his tent, breaking contact long enough to yank his shirt over his head and drop it next to his sleeping bag as he lowered me down. His hands were frantic as he spread my legs with his own, the friction of his shorts on mine stoking the fire we’d been trying so hard to extinguish before now. I couldn’t catch a breath, my eyes hooded, brain clouded, heart heavy and aching with every drag of his teeth across my flesh.

  He ran his hand down my thigh, hooking behind my knee and hiking my leg up high as he flexed into me harder. I moaned, eyes rolling back, self-control obliterated. His fingers slid around the back of my thigh and brushed under my shorts, running the length of my panties, and then my eyes shot open and I pressed two hands hard into his chest.

  “I don’t have the will to stop this, Jamie,” I breathed. He fell down against my palms, mouth catching mine in a hungry kiss. I pushed back again, and he grinned, hips rolling into mine as I fought against the blood pounding hot and low. “You have to be the one to stop. I can’t…”

  My breaths were so loud, and they fueled Jamie’s desire. He licked his lips, on his way down to kiss me again when I spoke louder.

  “You’re getting married.”

  He paused, hand stilling behind my thigh, eyes burning down into mine. I wanted to be a good person, I wanted to tell him to stop, to tell him it was wrong, but the truth was I wanted him. And I was going to let him make the choice.

  “If you kiss me again, you could ruin everything.” My chest heaved with every word. “If you kiss me
again,” I repeated, eyes locked on his. “I won’t let you stop.”

  Jamie dipped a little lower, lips close to mine again, but he paused. His brows bent together, breath still hard on my skin, and I waited. I didn’t tempt him further. I didn’t buck my hips against him or run my nails down his back. I just waited, letting him think for a minute before he made his next move. When he sighed and dropped his grip on my leg, I let out the breath I’d been holding, closing my eyes so I didn’t have to see realization dawn on his face.

  He rolled off me, falling to the side, both of us on our backs and breathing like the oxygen burned.

  “I’m sorry,” he whispered, and I shook my head.

  “Don’t be. It’s just lust, Jamie,” I lied. He knew it was a lie, I knew it too, but Angel didn’t deserve to be hurt just because we figured that out too late. He loved her, but he felt that same primal need for me that had always existed between us. It wouldn’t be fair for me to let him throw away everything he’d built with her just because he wanted me one more time.

  If he had kissed me even once more, I would have given up fighting. I would have given into him, and then we would have woken up the next day with hearts full of guilt. He would have been a cheater, and me a homewrecker. I sat up straight, needing distance, but Jamie reached out for me.

  “Wait,” he pleaded. “Can you… will you just stay? Just lie here with me.”

  I looked down at him, wondering if the battles inside his head were the same as mine. Nodding, I laid back down, and he pulled my back to his chest, breath slowly evening out until I knew he was asleep.

  I shouldn’t have said his name. I should have pulled away when he said goodnight, forced him to let go of me. I thought I was clean, thought I could handle the temptation, but I’d caved. I’d tasted him again, fed that carnal monster inside me, and it’d been the biggest mistake. Because now, I remembered so clearly how it felt to be with him, and I realized that even though I asked him to stop, I didn’t really want him to.