Dark Needs

by Maris Black

  “You’re exaggerating,” I said, knowing for a fact that he was right.

  “No, I’m not. And for what it’s worth, I’m truly sorry for kissing Bain. He needed someone, and I was trying to be there for him. It turned into something more for me, and for that I apologize. In retrospect, maybe I was taking advantage of the situation, but I promise I didn’t realize it at the time. It felt real. Please don’t hold it against Bain. It was all me, and he did the right thing and put a stop to it. He’s a good guy.”

  “And you’re absolutely sure nothing else happened?”

  “Jesus, Gavin. I swear on my life nothing else happened, okay? Your brother’s virtue remains intact as far as I know.” He grinned. “Though you might want to ask him who he’s carrying a torch for. Maybe you could help him get some closure on that. And maybe it could help you get some closure, too.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing for a long time. Just stared out the window as everything Caleb had told me tumbled around in my head. I longed for a moment of clarity when the facts would line up and finally make sense, but the more I thought, the more confused I became. I no longer viewed Caleb as a threat to Bain, and that was a relief. I hadn’t wanted to cut my oldest friend out of my life forever, but if I’d considered him an ongoing threat, that is exactly what would have happened. I wanted Bain to be happy and to find love, or at least I wanted to want that, but every time I thought of him being with someone else…

  “Gavin.” Caleb interrupted my thoughts once again. “I didn’t come up here to be your therapist, and I didn’t come up here to do all of the talking. Let’s do something fun. Can we find Bain and have lunch or something? I promise I won’t try to kiss him.”

  I smirked at him. “I know you won’t, because you know I’d beat your ass. But yeah, sure. Let’s do something.”

  I picked up the phone and texted Bain, who promptly replied that he was playing darts in the game room with Hadrian and Leo and would be along shortly. Caleb and I discussed college and some girl he had been talking to online. When Bain showed up, he had Leo in tow. Or rather Leo had him in tow, because a haughty guy like Leo always had to be in charge. I hated him more every day.

  “Caleb,” Bain said, rushing over to give him a hug. “It’s so good to see you.”

  “It’s been a long time,” Caleb said, and I couldn’t help but think it was for my benefit, to stress the point that he had not seen Bain in a while.

  “Leo wants to take us all out to a sandwich shop in town,” Bain said. “His treat.”

  Leo smiled indulgently at Bain. “That’s right. They make the best oyster po boys in the universe, and their selection of gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches are to die for. I don’t know how a little podunk mountain town has such good restaurants, but I’m not complaining.”

  I groaned inwardly, trying to imagine a more awkward lunch party. I was just beginning to move past being upset about Caleb coming onto Bain, and now Leo, the guy whose face I currently hated more than any other face on the planet, had insinuated himself into our plans. But Bain seemed happy, and I always found it impossible to deny him anything.

  CHAPTER 8

  (GAVIN)

  SO WE gave in and agreed to get initiated into Leo’s group. Neither Bain nor I wanted to participate in any kind of demoralizing ritual just to get into a clique, especially any rituals devised by Leo and his cohorts, but we decided it was best not to buck tradition. After talking to a bunch of Otranto students, we’d determined that the Coven were as revered as they claimed. Given that we were new on campus and wanted to make a name for ourselves, playing nice with the popular kids was our best option. Besides, if they tried to make us do anything too awful, we could always just tell them to go fuck themselves.

  “What exactly does one wear to an initiation?” I asked myself aloud as I rummaged through the miniature department store in our walk-in closet, wearing only a fresh pair of boxer briefs. My designer clothing took up most of the space, while Bain had a small section filled mostly with t-shirts, Polos, and jeans. For the life of me, I couldn’t understand Bain’s fashion sense. He seemed to favor sentiment over style, whereas I got downright depressed if my wardrobe didn’t quite jibe with the outfits photographed in the streets during Fashion Week.

  As I ticked through the hangers, flinging aside one shirt after another, I noticed that Bain’s Pride t-shirt had somehow made it back into my possession. I moved over to his section of the closet and saw that my old True Religion hoodie was among his things, and I couldn’t help but smile.

  When I’d left for England, I had purposely exchanged the two articles of clothing, laughing to myself that they were the very ones we teased each other about all the time. It had given me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that we’d each be keeping a piece of the other. Bain had no idea what I’d done with that shirt all alone in my tiny room at Mrs. Wilkins’s host house in the UK. Hell, even I didn’t want to admit to myself what I’d done with it. I was much more sentimental than my brother gave me credit for, but that was by design. He didn’t need to know the depth of my feelings. Let him think for all of eternity that I was an arrogant, narcissistic prick. It was better that way.

  “Hey,” Bain called from the shower, his voice muffled by the thickness of the door and the white-noise spray of water. “Gavin, can you hand me a towel? I forgot to bring one in.”

  I sighed and grabbed a towel from the closet shelf and walked it over to the bathroom. I tried the knob, but it didn’t turn.

  “Dammit, Bain. Am I supposed to pick the lock or just punch a hole through the door?”

  He chuckled from within, and I heard the shower curtain slide open. “Hold your horses. I’m coming.”

  When he opened the door, steam billowed out, obscuring his form for a few seconds. When it cleared, Bain was standing directly in front of me. A rivulet of water trickled from his hair and down the side of his face, pausing briefly on his neck before continuing its distracting descent. Its movement drew my eyes down to his glistening chest, his taut abs, and the water-slicked happy trail that traveled downward from his navel. I tried to avert my eyes, but it was too late. I’d already caught sight of the thicket of dark hair between his legs. His cock languished there half hard, the foreskin partially retracted from the swollen, ruddy head. I knew that look well. Bain had just finished pleasuring himself.

  I gulped, the sound too loud in my ears. The thought of Bain jerking off in the shower while I was just on the other side of the door had my own dick filling out beneath the thin cover of my boxer briefs. God, I was getting hard fast. Fortunately, the towel I had brought him hung right in front of it, hiding my shame.

  Bain snatched the towel from me. “Dude, it’s getting cold. Give me that thing.”

  With no towel to hide behind, I spun around before he could see what the sight of his naked body had done to me. “Don’t slip,” I warned half-heartedly. “You’ve got a puddle there on the floor.”

  “So overprotective.” He laughed and shook his head. “Thanks for the concern, but I’m a big boy. I think I can handle a little thing like walking.”

  He closed the door behind me, and I hurried to the closet to catch my breath. Standing among our clothes, I reached down and squeezed my dick, punishing myself. It hurt like a motherfucker, but the pain helped to ground me and keep my mind from going to those dark places I spent most every waking hour trying to avoid. Jesus, what was wrong with me? Would I ever be normal, or was I cursed to forever tiptoe around my brother?

  I was exhausted from pretending, and it was only getting worse since I’d come back from England, as if the invisible barrier that had previously separated sanity from insanity had come down while I was away. I had the sudden urge to do away with myself. Gun, knife, helium, pills… surely any one of those options would be less painful than slowly dying of a need that could never be satisfied. And I deserved to die, didn’t I? Deserved to suffer a long and painful death for the horrible thoughts I had.

 
“This is wrong,” I said through clenched teeth, staring down at my unwelcome erection and squeezing it even harder. I growled from the pain, both in my groin and in my head. “Get a hold of yourself, you twisted fuck.”

  “You okay, Gav?” Bain’s voice was shocking coming from the open closet door behind me. In my distracted state I hadn’t even heard him come out of the bathroom, and now he standing was right behind me as I chastised myself like some raving psycho.

  I froze, removed my hand from my dick, and grabbed a random shirt off the rack, not even caring which one it was. For the moment, fashion had taken a backseat to embarrassment.

  “I’m fine,” I said. “Just having a hard time deciding on an outfit.”

  “Yeah, God forbid you should go into the woods underdressed. I’ll just be wearing a t-shirt, but might get cool out there, so I’m carrying a hoodie.”

  “My True Religion hoodie?”

  Bain laughed. “Only if you wear my Pride shirt.”

  I turned toward him and smiled, wondering what sort of strange power he held over my every mood. “I’d rather wear a polyester blazer and plaid bell bottoms.”

  “Don’t be a party-pooper, Gavin. You’re so serious all the time.” He pulled the sleeveless hoodie from its hanger and held it up to his body. I didn’t want to look, because he was wearing nothing but a towel tucked precariously around his waist. The sight of him and the thought of what lay beneath that towel must have short-circuited my brain, because I said something really stupid.

  “Fine. I suppose it would be worth it to see you trying to pull off the sleeveless look. I’ll wear the damn t-shirt.” I grabbed it from the hanger before I could change my mind and pulled it on over my head.

  “Really?” He asked, flashing a grin that was worth any humiliation that might be in store for me. “Are you being serious right now? What if someone thinks you’re gay?”

  I shrugged, smoothing the wrinkles out of the shirt. “I’ll just make out with Skyy in front of everyone. That should put any rumors to rest before they get started.”

  Bain froze, and the lovely grin I’d been so pleased about causing dropped from his face. I immediately felt guilty, though I couldn’t have said why. There was no reason my brother should have been jealous over a girl, yet it seemed like he was. As for myself, I knew why I was jealous of Leo, and that was my cross to bear. Bain’s jealousy, however, confused me. Logically, I knew it was probably just a matter of me giving attention to someone else when he wanted it all to himself, especially after having been without it for so long, but it still made me wonder things I shouldn’t have been wondering. It made me suspect him of being as fucked in the head as I was, and that was unfair to him. He had always been the good twin. Everyone knew that.

  “I’m just kidding,” I told him. “Jesus, you’re touchy. You know me better than to think I’d play with someone’s emotions like that. Not to mention, making out with a girl I’m not attracted to would be guaranteed misery for the rest of the school year. I don’t need someone following me around or expecting something I can’t give.”

  “So you’re really not attracted to her?”

  I studied his face, trying to read him, and came up clueless. I wanted to tell him I was gay. It felt so wrong keeping up the charade of being attracted to girls, but I hadn’t kept my secret this long just to go and admit it now. If Bain ever found out I was gay, it would be a huge strain on our relationship, because it came much too close to a deeper truth. The most unspeakable of truths. The one he could never know as long as we lived.

  “No, Bain, I’m really not attracted to her. But what I can’t figure out is why you’re even concerned about it. If I met someone I liked, you wouldn’t be happy for me?”

  “It would take up too much of your time. We’d never get anything done because she’d be hanging around our room all the time, or else you’d be out with her. It would destroy everything. You’d end up working on projects with her instead of me, and then our Hollywood dream would be shot.”

  So that was it. He was afraid I would abandon our dreams and leave him high and dry. Finally something made sense.

  “Bain, that would never happen. What you and I have is infinitely more important than any paltry romance or piece of tail. But you have to know that I feel the same way about you and Leo.”

  “For the last time, there is nothing between me and Leo. I think you are imagining things.”

  “Maybe so, maybe not. Just remember that this thing works both ways. If I’m going to be a hundred percent dedicated to our future as filmmakers, then you have to be all in, too.”

  He smiled. “I am all in, Gavin. More than you’ll ever know.”

  CHAPTER 9

  (GAVIN)

  WHEN WE arrived at the party, or initiation as Drake so loved to remind us, the other six members of the group were already there. They milled around an impressive campfire that spewed sparks into the night sky. Two large tents, one red and one blue, had been erected on the edge of the clearing.

  Skyy was looking festive in a pair of tight black pants, a hot pink shirt, and a smattering of glitter that she’d shaped into fat teardrops on her cheeks. Her shoes had disappeared, if they had ever been there in the first place, and she puffed on a thin brown cigarette as she laughed at something Hadrian was saying.

  Hadrian was in all black, as usual. His Slayer t-shirt was well-worn, and his jeans looked like they had encountered the claws of a large cat at some point. He was also shoeless, and his mop of black hair was scrambled into a messy bun on top of his head. Drake wore similarly torn jeans, but his t-shirt was featured a rap artist whose name I don’t recall, rap not being in the same universe of my expertise. He was the only one not barefoot, and his white sneakers looked much too pristine to be wearing in the woods.

  Neva and Raven wore matching apricot dresses, presumably purchased on a mall outing together. They were also barefoot.

  None of this surprised me, but Leo’s appearance did. His typical stylish threads had been replaced by a pair of black sweats and no shirt, even though the temperature was below seventy.

  “Should we take our shoes off?” I asked as Bain and I approached the fire. The warmth was instantly too much, and I took a couple of steps back.

  “Up to you,” Leo said. “Most of us, Drake being the exception, like the freedom of being barefoot out here. It gets us closer to Mother Nature.” He gave our attire an amused once-over. “Not really sure what to say about this, though.”

  “It was a dare,” I grated, wishing like hell I hadn’t let Bain talk me into such a stupid thing. It was only because my head had been so screwed up after seeing him naked.

  Bain chuckled under his breath and started pulling his sneakers off, and I reluctantly followed suit. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy being barefoot. I did. But I didn’t want to do anything just because Leo the Great dictated it. Plus, we were in the woods, and I had no idea what I might end up stepping on. Snakes came to mind.

  Neva and Raven approached us as a pair, each holding a bejeweled chalice. I studied them, noting how wild and odd-looking their eyes were. They reminded me of the creepy little ghost girls that haunted the halls of the Overlook Hotel in The Shining.

  “Hi, twinsies,” Neva said.

  “Hi, twinsies,” Raven echoed. “Are you ready to join us? You’d better be sure, because there will be no turning back.”

  The others watched with interest from various vantage points, and Hadrian had retrieved a video camera and was filming us from across the fire. The filmmaker in me couldn’t help imagining the amazing shot he must be getting with the flames and sparks reaching up between the camera and us. I wondered if the film was for posterity or if there was an actual movie being made, but I didn’t ask. I figured either way it would break the creepy mood of the video, and I was too conscientious to ruin a movie.

  Bain smiled at the girls. “Hell, yeah. We’re ready, aren’t we Gavin?”

  I nodded, feigning excitement where there was no
ne. I wanted to please Bain, not ruin his night with my usual skepticism. It baffled me to no end how social he had become since our arrival at Otranto. According to Caleb, Bain had been a virtual shut-in while I was in England. Now that I was back, he was Mr. Social Butterfly, and he’d been steadily trying to draw me out as well. I hoped it was because my return had improved his emotional state.

  The girls held out the chalices to us, cupping them in both hands. It was creepy, but I went along with it and took the cup. Bain looked delighted with the weird formality of it all, smiling as he clutched his chalice and peered down into it. I looked into mine.

  “What is this, grape juice?” I asked, swirling the cup and watching the inky purple liquid slosh around. “Are we doing some sort of communion? If this is supposed to be the blood of Christ, I’m out.”

  “Blood of the devil, more like it,” Leo said, stepping up beside us. “Go ahead and drink up, boys. If you leave a drop, you fail the initiation.”

  Bain lifted his cup to his mouth without question, but I stopped him at the last second. “Why do I feel like we’re going to be on the news tomorrow?”

  Leo laughed. “It’s not poison, Gavin. Just drink it, and we’ll start the party. We’ve only been waiting for you.”

  Bain took a large swallow and gagged. “It may not be poison, but I think it’s possible to die from the taste. This is way worse than the punch at the welcome party.”

  “Great,” I said with a sigh. “Alright, I guess I’m in. Down the hatch it goes.”

  Knowing the taste was going to be horrific did not prepare me for the reality. The drink had an earthy flavor, like straight-up dirt, with a metallic undertone. Fuck, it was bad. I held my breath and downed it in two swallows. My stomach rolled over in protest. Bain finished his off and smiled at me, clearly pleased at surviving our first dare of the evening, and I squinted to get a better look at him.