His Bundle of Love / the Color of Courage

by Patricia Davids

  At the NICU, he was pleased to see that Beth had Sandra as a nurse again. It made him feel like he had a friend taking care of Beth.

  “How’s she doing?” he asked, pulling a stool close to the bedside.

  “Hey, Irish. We’ve missed you around here.”

  “I had to go back to work.”

  “I understand. Beth is doing well. She even gained a little weight. About a quarter of an ounce.”

  “How did Caitlin do?”

  Sandra’s smile faded. She turned away and began to straighten some papers on the bedside stand. “Ms. Williams didn’t come in when I was here yesterday.”

  Mick frowned. “She didn’t? I was told she was moved to the maternity floor. Isn’t that just down the hall from here?”

  “Yes, it is.”

  “And Caitlin didn’t visit at all? Maybe she isn’t feeling well. I should go check on her.”

  “I heard in report that she’s being released the day after tomorrow.”

  “That soon?”

  Sandra eyed him intently. “You didn’t know? I assumed she was going home with you.”

  Mick avoided her gaze. He didn’t want to get into a lengthy explanation. “Caitlin and I aren’t together.”

  “I’m relieved to hear it.”

  “Why?”

  “You don’t seem like the kind of guy who’d put up with a person like her.”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “She’s been pretty rude to some of the staff.”

  “I know she’s got a mouth on her.”

  “Well, her nurses offered to bring her in several times, but she flatly refused to come. Apparently, she was none too nice about it.”

  “She refused to see Beth? In the ICU we had to all but tie her to the bed to keep her from coming here.”

  “We have to be concerned when a mother shows signs of detachment from her infant. If Ms. Williams doesn’t begin to visit regularly, we’ll have to inform our social worker.”

  “I don’t know what to say.” Mick cupped his hands carefully around Beth’s body. She squirmed a little, then lay still. She was so adorable. He knew he’d never tire of watching her.

  Sandra covered Mick’s hands with her own. “Beth is such a little darling. It’s good to know that she has at least one attentive parent. I’ve seen a lot of fathers go through here, but I’ve rarely seen one as loving and as devoted as you.”

  “My—don’t you two look cozy.”

  Mick’s head snapped around. Caitlin stood a few feet away watching them with narrowed eyes. If anything, she looked even paler than the last time he’d seen her. Dark circles under her eyes made her face look pinched and worn.

  Sandra removed her hands from Mick’s. “Good morning, Ms. Williams. It’s nice to see you.”

  Mick stood and offered Caitlin the stool. “I just came in to say good morning to Beth, and Sandra was kind enough to update me on her condition.”

  “How sweet. Maybe she’d like to update me, too.”

  “Of course.” Sandra’s smile was cool. “Beth gained a small amount of weight, about a quarter of an ounce, and her oxygen is at twenty-seven percent.”

  Caitlin sat down and gently took one of Beth’s hands in her own. “That’s less than when I was in earlier.”

  Puzzled, Mick glanced from Sandra to Caitlin and back. “Sandra, I thought you said Caitlin hadn’t been in?”

  “I guess I was mistaken.”

  Caitlin gave her a pointed look. “I guess you were.”

  “I didn’t see you yesterday or the day before, and I wasn’t told in report that you’d been in.” With that, she left the bedside.

  Caitlin watched her go. “That woman doesn’t like me.”

  “But she’s very good with Beth.”

  “I guess that’s what matters, isn’t it?”

  The scent of Mick’s crisp aftershave soothed Caitlin’s headache. Everything about him was soothing. His voice, how he cared for Beth. She had to remind herself that he wasn’t for the likes of her. He’d be interested in smart women, someone like Sandra. Not someone too stupid to read.

  She should concentrate on Beth, not her feelings for Mick. Her baby was the one who was important. They had missed too much time together already. He was a distraction she couldn’t afford. It would be better if he left before she found herself hoping for something more from him.

  She said, “Thanks for stopping by, but don’t let us keep you.”

  Mick shifted from one foot to the other beside the bed. Caitlin gave him a dismissive glance. “What?”

  “There are some things we need to talk about.”

  With an exasperated sigh, Caitlin swung around on the stool to face him. The sudden movement sent dizziness sweeping through her, but she managed to stay upright with a tight grip on the bed.

  “Mick, thanks for getting me to the hospital and for watching over the baby while I was out of it, but I’m fine now. You can go. You’ve done your job like a good little Boy Scout.”

  He glanced around the unit, then leaned close to her. “It isn’t that simple.”

  She leaned away from him, away from the desire to rest her aching head against his strong chest the way she had when he held her in his arms. “It is that simple. I’m her mother. You’re just some guy who happened by. Thanks for the help, but we’ll be fine on our own now. I think it would be best if you didn’t come around anymore.”

  “Why?”

  For a lot of reasons that she couldn’t say aloud. She didn’t want to feel this longing that possessed her whenever he was near. She didn’t want to hear the voice that wove its way through her dreams with whispered words of reassurance and caring and made her believe that everything would be okay.

  He wasn’t part of her life. He donated a few hours of his time each week to play with the kids at the homeless shelter—he didn’t live there. He didn’t belong to the world that Caitlin struggled to survive in. He was a fantasy, a fairy tale, a glimpse of the kind of life she could only dream about.

  Sandra came back to the bedside with a new bag of IV fluids and began to change the old one. Caitlin addressed her. “Is it true that only a parent can decide who’s allowed to visit a baby in here?”

  “Yes, that’s true,” Sandra answered.

  Caitlin indicated Mick with a jerk of her head. “I don’t want him in here anymore.”

  Obviously puzzled, Sandra glanced from one to the other.

  “Caitlin, please,” Mick pleaded. “Let’s talk about this in private.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  Sandra laid down the bag and tubing. “I can’t keep Mick from seeing Beth. A father has the same legal rights that a mother does, whether they are married or not.”

  “He’s not her father.”

  “I was told—”

  “I don’t care what you were told.” Caitlin’s headache mushroomed and her dizziness worsened. She saw Mick’s eyes narrow as he stared at her. She couldn’t let him see how weak she was. She summoned up the strength to glare at him and keep her voice level. “I’m telling you he’s not her father.”

  “Sandra, can you excuse us?” Mick spoke quietly, his gaze never wavering from Caitlin’s face.

  “I’m afraid not. I’m going to have to ask you to take this outside the unit. The relationship between you two is not my concern, but Beth’s welfare is. Babies are very susceptible to our emotions, and I won’t allow you to upset my patient.”

  Glancing at the woman’s set face, Caitlin felt a grudging measure of respect for her. “Fine. Whatever.”

  Caitlin stood, and Mick’s hand quickly closed around her elbow to help steady her. For a moment, a surge of something she couldn’t define raced through her blood at the warmth of his
touch. If only she could lean on him.

  Don’t do it. He’ll just let you down when you don’t expect it. Hadn’t she learned anything? No one was going to take care of Caitlin, except Caitlin. She twisted away from him, and keeping her back straight, she walked out of the unit and down the hall to her room. Once inside, she sank gratefully onto the side of her bed. The simple walk had left her exhausted.

  “Are you all right?” he asked.

  “I’m fine,” she lied. “I don’t know why you’re still hanging around. What part of go away don’t you get?”

  “I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

  “Save your pity for the kids at the shelter. Beth and I are going to be fine on our own.” She was so tired. If only he would go. She didn’t want to say things that would hurt him.

  Mick shoved his hands into his pockets and turned away, but he didn’t leave. He crossed the room to stare out the window. Something was eating at him, she could tell by the tense set of his shoulders. After a moment, he turned to face her.

  “It isn’t pity that I feel for Beth. I’ve grown to love her. The kind of love a father has for his child. I don’t know how else to tell you this except to say it flat out. When Beth needed surgery and it looked like you weren’t going to recover, I signed paternity papers. Beth is legally my daughter.”

  Chapter Eight

  Caitlin shot to her feet, anger lending her a surge of strength. “You can’t take her away! She’s mine! She’s my baby!”

  “Calm down.” Mick seemed unfazed by her outburst.

  “Don’t tell me to calm down!”

  “Yelling isn’t going to help anything. Let me explain.”

  “Oh, I already know what’s going down. You’re trying to steal Beth from me.”

  He regarded her with a steady gaze. “I’m not trying to steal anything. I’m trying to do what’s best for her.”

  “I’m what’s best for her,” Caitlin shouted, advancing toward him. “I’m her mother, and I can take care of her.”

  “How?”

  His quiet question drove the fight out of Caitlin and left her reeling. She backed away until her trembling legs touched the bed. She sank onto the edge of the mattress.

  She didn’t know how. Looking down, she saw her hands were shaking. She clutched them together until her knuckles grew white in an attempt to hold them still.

  “By the time Beth leaves this hospital her bill will be close to two hundred thousand dollars. Do you have it stuffed in a sock somewhere, because I didn’t find it in your purse or your boxes?”

  He’d looked through her things, through her sketches and her few pitiful possessions. She felt sick inside. “You had no right to do that.”

  “I was trying to locate some family or friends.”

  “I told you, there isn’t anyone. I’m all she has. I’m all she needs.”

  “Caitlin, no one should have to live the way you were living. I want to help. I’ve put Beth on my insurance. Her care here will be covered, all but a few thousand dollars. I’ll take care of that.”

  “I don’t want your money.”

  “It’s not for you, it’s for Beth.”

  Caitlin stared at him a long time without speaking. He met her gaze without flinching. Was he sincere? People she trusted had fooled her in the past. She watched his face closely. “What are you getting out of this?”

  “I get to know that Beth isn’t going to be destitute, that she isn’t going to be living in a shelter, or a slum, or worse.”

  “I don’t need your help.” Her defiance was an act she prayed he couldn’t see through.

  “That’s not the way I see it.” He leaned a hip against the windowsill and folded his arms. “According to her doctor, Beth will be here for at least another two months. If, by the time she’s ready to be discharged, you have a job and a decent place to live, I won’t do anything except provide support payments. I’d like to think we can work out a schedule for visitation.”

  And if she didn’t have those things? Fear, cold and deadly, crawled over Caitlin. Her stomach clenched in a painful spasm, and bile rose to the back of her throat. He couldn’t take her baby from her, could he?

  “You aren’t her father. There’s some kind of test that’ll prove it.”

  “You mean a paternity test? One can’t be done without my consent. I’ve signed a legal paternity paper. I can even produce witnesses from the E.R. who’ll swear that you said I’m her father.”

  “I’ll say I lied.”

  Mick watched with concern as the color drained from her face. He was going about this all wrong, but the woman knew how to push his buttons. She couldn’t take care of Beth without help. He had to make her understand that.

  “Social services won’t let you take a baby back to the squalor you were living in. I can provide everything she needs.”

  “I see you’ve thought this through.” She managed to hold her head up, and he admired her control, but she couldn’t stop the quiver in her lower lip.

  “I’m serious about seeing that Beth is well taken care of. I love her like she was my own child.”

  “And this is how you show it? By threatening to take her from her mother?”

  “I’m not threatening you. I want to give Beth a decent life. She would have died if she had been born out there. You barely survived. Is that what you want for her?”

  “No.” She pressed a hand to her trembling lips.

  Suddenly she wavered, and he crossed the room in three long strides to reach out and steady her. He’d been too hard on her. He should have found an easier way to make her see that she had to accept his help. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m going to be sick.” She bent forward.

  Mick held on to her, preventing her from tumbling off the bed. Bracing her against his side, he reached for the call light. “Easy,” he coaxed. “I’ll get you some help.”

  When her spasms passed, he helped her sit up and lie back in bed. Her face resembled white marble with pale blue veins the only color in it. He was ready to rush out into the hall and grab the first nurse he saw when Caitlin’s eyes fluttered open.

  Slowly, she focused on his face. “I messed up your shoes.”

  “I think maybe I deserved it.”

  “You did.” She closed her eyes again.

  “I’m sorry I upset you. We can talk about this later.”

  Her eyes snapped open, and her gaze bored into his. “There’s nothing to talk about. She’s my child, not yours.”

  The intercom on the wall over the bed clicked on. Someone said, “May I help you?”

  “Yes,” he answered. “Miss Williams has just been sick. Could you send a nurse in?”

  “Someone will be right there” came the clipped reply.

  Caitlin turned her face away from him. Stubborn, irrational, pathetic—every word fit the pale young woman in front of him, but the image that stuck in his mind was that of a wounded lioness snarling in defense of her cub. Maybe it was the color of her eyes or the fierce determination beneath her words. Whatever it was, he knew he would have a fight on his hands unless he could convince her to accept his help.

  He waited in awkward silence for the promised help and breathed a sigh of relief when a nurse finally entered the room. He stepped back from the bed. “I’ll wait outside.”

  Caitlin made no comment, and he left the room with the sinking feeling that he had failed miserably at presenting his case. Instead, he was afraid he had left exactly the opposite impression.

  After locating a public restroom, he cleaned his shoes as best he could then returned to wait outside Caitlin’s door. It opened at last, and the nurse came out. He moved to pass her, but her arm shot out blocking his way.

  “I’m sorry. Ms. Williams has requested that you not be allo
wed back in.”

  Caitlin obviously wasn’t willing to listen to reason.

  “All right, I’ll leave,” he told the waiting nurse. “Do you have something I can write a note on?” He took her pen and notepad and wrote out exactly what he intended to do. He offered to help Caitlin find a job and a place to stay. His only aim was to help her get back on her feet.

  Caitlin listened to the muffled voices outside her door. If only he would go away. She never wanted to see his face again. In the dark interior of the crumbling building where she had labored in pain, Mick had appeared like a movie hero. His voice had been soothing and calm, his hands had been strong and gentle. She had dared to trust him because there hadn’t been anyone else. Now, he could take away the only good thing that had ever come into her life. An overwhelming sense of betrayal brought a fresh rush of tears to her eyes.

  Dashing them away with both hands she vowed they would be the last ones she ever shed over Mick O’Callaghan. She had to be strong now—strong enough to keep her baby. When the time came, she and Beth would disappear before Mick could stop them. The first thing she had to do was to get out of this hospital.

  The door opened, and the nurse came back into the room. “Has he gone?” Caitlin asked.

  “Yes. He wanted you to have this.” She held out a note.

  After a second of hesitation, Caitlin took it. Opening the folded piece of paper, she stared at the dark, bold lines marching across the page and desperately wished they made sense to her the way they made sense to everyone else. Crumpling the message, she tossed it toward the trash can. It didn’t matter what he had to say. She wouldn’t let him or anyone else take her baby. Ever!

  Caitlin waited, but the anger she hoped would burn away the memory of Mick’s deep, soothing voice didn’t materialize. The ache of his betrayal remained, but she couldn’t hate him.

  Beneath the pain caused by his words, she saw the truth in what he said. He only wanted what was best for Beth. Maybe she couldn’t take care of her baby.

  No, she wouldn’t accept that. Flinging aside the covers, she forced her weary body out of bed. “I’m going to the nursery.”