“So, this asshole on a motorbike came flying around a tight corner, and nearly ran me off the ramp to get onto highway.” I continued.
“No shit! You had an accident?”
“Well no-- but I did get pushed off onto the shoulder and this dick had the nerve to stop come up to me-- and give me hell for my bad driving. Anyway, can you believe that I ran into him just a few hours later at Angela’s?”
Logan was full-on laughing at this point. “Only you Lex, only fucking you, kiddo.”
“So that was that for a while. But he owned the tattoo shop just a few streets away from where I was staying. I used to avoid that area on my runs and all, but we ended up running into each other a few times and eventually talking. There was always crazy banter between us; but because we started out hating each other, I never saw it coming. Then one day…” I trailed off lost in thought of JM-- the touch of his lips-- the smell of his shirt… my heart pumped louder and heat inside me began to rise as tears began filling my eyes. I took a moment to turn my head and look out the window.
Logan breathed deeply. “Lex?” He questioned. “Is this too much for you? Want to stop? You don’t have to tell me. I know you didn’t plan on it.”
“No, it’s okay. I want to. I’m so grateful that you invited me out here and I want to get our relationship back to where it used to be. Anyway, long story short we ended up dating and it got pretty serious quickly. I was working at his shop and…”
Logan cut me off. “Yeah sis', I noticed the ink. Didn’t want to say anything, but wow that’s pretty damn big. Beautiful though.”
“He did it.” I whispered softly. Remembering that moment was just too much. That time we had been together, and the things we had done.
Logan raised the volume on the radio and I sucked in the music hoping it would help to drown out my feelings. A little while later I managed to get out the rest. Logan of course had been horrified when I mentioned how our dear mother had barged in. But not more so than when I told him about JM and Desi.
I did notice how quiet he got afterward though and I wondered what he was thinking.
We stopped at Starbucks for coffee. I sat next to the fireplace waiting for him to bring me our order. I checked my phone. Angela had called and texted almost a dozen times.
Fuck. She’s mad. I quickly scanned the texts.
Call me! call me!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???????
He’s fucking fuming mad. He’s threatening everyone!!!
Why did you run Lex? He was the best thing for you, you crazy girl!
Write back or I’ll call the cops to report you missing! NOW!!!
I could hear her pleading voice through the texts. The more words I read, the more the ball in my chest grew bigger. Angela was practically screaming at me through the phone. She didn’t understand though; she hadn’t seen the picture and she didn’t see what I knew was true. JM deserved better than this fucked up broken soul. A shell of the person I should have been. And Desi! God help me, I had never anticipated that. That had just been the bottom of the barrel for me. I couldn’t face him after that. I lay my head down on the table and sobbed.
Logan came back with our drinks and slid in next to me. His arm around me he gently rubbed my back letting the stillness comfort me.
“Lex…who texted you? He did?” I shook my head.
“Angela.”
Ding. Another text came in. I didn’t even have it in me to look.
*****
I was a mess. I couldn’t move, speak or even nod my head. Logan, to his credit took care of me. He bundled me up into the pickup and drove the rest of the way to his condo as quickly as the roads would allow for it.
Snow had started to fall as we reached the Whistler area. My eyes still brimming with tears stared out the car window as the snowflakes fell. Each one different from the next and glittering like sparkles in the sun. I watched as the flakes rested on the trees and the ground blanketing everything with a fresh beginning. Or maybe like me, just hiding a dirty past.
Time seemed to slip away. Days turned into night, and nights into days. It could have been forty-eight hours, or it could have been a week that I had stayed holed up in Logan’s condo. I had no clue. I just spent hour after hour staring into the fireplace and watching the flames dance to no particular rhythm.
I just felt shattered. I had done what I thought was best. For both of us. Why couldn’t he see that? And what about Desi? I still had a hard time even thinking about that… For God’s sake, we both knew that nothing good ever lasts anyway. It was only a matter of time.
Chapter 28
“C’mon Lex!” Logan yelled from across the messy condo. Clothes were strewn all over the floor; beer bottles knocked over and empty pizza boxes littered the couch. I felt disgusting, like I hadn’t showered in a month. It may have actually even been that long.
“I’m taking you out tonight!” Logan continued as he walked into the living room. His eyes changed from jovial and light to absolute disgust as he took in the scene around him.
“What the hell sis’… I know I was a slob before you came, but this is taking it too far. You look dirty and depressed by the way.”
“Maybe I’m both.” I responded numbly.
“True, but we need to put a stop to this before I have to have you committed!” Logan joked. “Seriously I’m worried about you. You need to stop moping around. Come on, shower and change and we’re out of here in forty-five minutes max. I want you to see the fun side of Whistler and not just the snow falling from the inside of this condo.”
“Mmph…” was all I could manage. I knew he was right, but the desire to crawl back under the blankets was even stronger.
Still, I knew I needed to try. It took everything I had to pull myself off the couch and make that first effort. I stood in the shower for a long time. The hot water dripping down my face and body felt comforting and pleasant. As I washed my body, another wave of sadness came over me. Remembering how JM and I would shower together… my mind got stuck on the feeling of his hands washing my hair; trailing down the small of my back and pushing me forward until my ass pushed back against him. His hands inviting, roaming through mounds of slick wet skin.
Memories that made me suck air in deeply; only to sob back out again in a tsunami of tears. The water washed away the evidence. All but for the redness in my eyes. Drying my hair in the mirror made me realize that I hadn’t worn makeup since I arrived, and those red eyes would need some serious concealer if I was to present myself in public.
Finally, after switching my sweatpants for jeans, I came out of my room. Logan was there waiting for me with a smile and a brotherly hug. He pulled me into him with the crook of his arm and kissed my forehead. “I’m proud of you, you did it.” He winked down to me. “Let’s go little sister.”
We went for dinner and despite my insistence that I wasn’t hungry, Logan insisted on ordering fondue. Comfort food, he said. And God, he was right. Dripping melted cheese was the perfect fit to keep my fragile soul stuck together for the moment. After dinner, we moved on to a bar. I had really wanted to go back home, but Logan insisted. The place he chose was an après ski lounge that had a beautiful view of the mountain. Round comfy couches, blankets and throw pillows beckoned me in. The heat of the fireplace seemed to soothe my broken heart, while the view of the night skiers kept my eyes occupied.
“I’ll get us a round of whiskey.” Logan said as he got up and moved towards the bar.
A round with Logan typically meant three to four rounds for anyone else. But I welcomed his extravagance. He was trying to make tonight fun and he was succeeding. By the time I was on my third whiskey, I had moved well past tipsy and was inching steadily towards drunk. No, scratch that— I was fully drunk. Logan and I were recounting childhood memories. I could feel how it was pulling us back together. Slowly erasing the holes that time apart had created.
“Lex, you remember when we threw all of dad’s cigarettes out? Flushed them down the toil
et and replaced each one with rolled up paper in the pack?”
“OMG I do!” A drunken chuckle followed by involuntarily spit sprayed out of my mouth.
“Remember how mad Dad got?” Logan just chuckled to himself. “He was fuming! We just wanted to help him “not to die” as we said, but he took it as if we’d killed his dog or something. The screaming and stomping around—calling Mom. He threw the empty pack at my head and stormed out of the house—slamming the door so hard the pictures in the hall fell and shattered glass all over the floor.”
We were laughing and joking, totally hammered and it felt amazing. For the first time since Montreal I felt warm inside, like there was a glimmer of hope for me out there. The small strings of hope that were holding me together were strengthening and Logan was the reason for it. Realizing how much I had missed him, I smiled slowly, thinking about how to tell him. He must have realized because he reached over and pulled me into his chest, holding me tight.
“Logan…” I faltered looking up into those big blue eyes that matched my own. I could see a glimmer of emotion right in the corner and although words didn’t seem to make it through my lips, he just smiled.
“I know Lex… I missed you too.”
My big brother. So much time wasted yet here we were like no time had passed at all. What idiots we had been letting time erase what we once had together. I leaned over and kissed his cheek.
For a moment, heaven seemed to shine down on me, but for only a short-lived moment.
“What the fuck is this Alexis?” Came a booming voice that was getting closer and closer. “Tabernak, ça t’e prends pas beaucoup de temps pour m’oublier ein?’’ What—the—fuck…
I turned as Logan immediately released me from his arms and stood up.
“Who the fuck are YOU dude?” He belted out marching up towards the dark man in leather. Time stood still as I watched what seemed to be a typical macho scene from a B movie. Two stunning men staring down at each other puffed up to their maximum jackass size; ready to see who would swing first. I felt paralyzed and felt myself shrinking inside, screaming silently for it to stop.
It all happened so fast. JM began screaming obscenities in French that no one understood; Logan was threatening to have him arrested. Both men were up in each other’s faces taunting the other to throw the first punch. Security came running over and pulled them apart just as both had their fists raised. My heart was in my mouth as I watched. One more second and someone would have spent the night in the hospital.
Finally, able to move, I ran over and pushed myself between them, in an effort to explain.
“Fuck you Alexis! I don’t even know why I came here… you’re not even worth it.” He spat. Turning and marching out as quickly as he had arrived.
Chapter 29
I was on the couch, surrounded by blankets, still in my pajamas even though it was the late afternoon. It seemed like my life was constantly going from bad to worse; a never-ending roller coaster of emotions and despair. Logan’s constant supply of weed wasn’t making it any easier either, although it was numbing the pain.
I still couldn’t believe that JM had traveled all the way to Whistler to find me. Even Angela was shocked when I told her. Apparently, he disappeared from his shop and never told anyone where he was going. It had now been over a week since JM had come bursting into the bar only to find himself face to face with Logan. According to Angela he was still MIA to everyone back in Montreal too.
His words resonated in my head like the aftershock of an earth quake. Fuck you Alexis, I don’t even know why I’m here…you’re not even worth it. You’re not even worth it. You’re not even worth it…
My heart had been ripped from my body leaving nothing but a gaping hole in its place. A hole so deep, it was unfathomable that it could ever close.
*****
I heard the front door open. Arctic air flew in and quickly sucked away all the warmth of the fire. Logan didn’t seem to hear me yelling at him to close the door so I slide further down under the blankets and tried to disappear.
Heavy footsteps pounded the floor from the door to the den, where I’d been hibernating.
“Alexis?”
I sucked in my breath at the sound. His voice. So, deep, raspy yet the sound of my name on his tongue seemed to be soft and smooth like whiskey.
My heart began to pump faster and heat crept up through my body.
My mind was another story. If I saw him, I knew I would lose it. I stayed half hidden under the blankets. Why was he here? Oh my God… Logan!
“Logan?” I screamed jumping up from the couch.
“It’s ok Lex, relax.” Called out Logan from the doorway. “We cleared things up between us.” I peeked out from beneath the blankets only to see the back of JM’s head nod in my brother’s direction. “That’s right. Seeing you two together the other day, I jumped to conclusions. But we’re cool now.” He said and Logan nodded.
“But you Lex?” JM continued turning his head back to me as Logan backed away, giving us some space.
“How fucking dare you Alexis…” he growled. His growl seemed to come from the depths of the earth. It was dark, rage filled but yet his eyes, eyes dark as coal were visibly pained. “J’ai tout fait pour toi et c'était pas assez, ein?”
He was right and I knew it. Tears welled up in my eyes. “It was more than enough JM… but…” I began my voice small and barely audible. Just seeing him like this, seeing the pain I had caused made my heart shatter even further. It was unbearable.
“But what Alexis? Actually, you know what? Never mind. I don’t need your pity. It’s clear to me now that I was not enough for you. I just needed to see it for myself.”
A blood curdling sound flew out of my mouth before I could stop it. “No!! That’s not at all true!” I cried, falling to the floor.
“Then what was it Lex? Why did you run?” Standing over me as I lay crumpled on the floor, his voice still controlled, but clearly pained as he spoke. “Because I couldn’t help you? Did you think I couldn’t see what was happening to you? I wanted nothing more than to fix it. To make you whole again but you refused to let me in!” He sounded desperate. “I know it’s been hard for you but you can’t keep running like this. You ran from Toronto, now from Montreal… where to next Lex? Do you really think a new city will heal you?”
“I left because of YOU AND DESI!” I screamed. “I saw that picture, I saw what was happening. I couldn’t be what you needed and I pushed you right into her arms!” I wailed. I wanted to reach up and bury my face in his neck. To ask for forgiveness for my craziness and be wrapped in his warmth and his love. Instead, I lay down in a fetal position on the floor and dragged the blanket over me.
“De quoi tu parles Lex?” JM looked shocked and confused. “Are you fucking crazy? Nothing has happened between us. I thought you would know that after I shut her down that day at the shop.”
What the fuck? I opened my mouth to protest and mention the text but he cut me off.
“Lex…I want you to know that I’ve been thinking. Trying to make sense of it all.” He paused for a moment to run his hands through his hair. “I came here because I needed to know the truth, from you. LOOK AT ME.”
Finally, I pulled myself up to a standing position, still clutching a blanket like a child. Staring at his pain filled eyes was excruciating and it only served to make my own burn with tears. I tried to find my voice but it was garbled mess of choking as I stepped forward and reached for him.
His palm was instantly raised, forcing a barrier between us. “Let me finish.”
He inhaled deeply. “At first, I thought our differences didn’t matter but now after seeing you break down after that encounter with your mom… I think that maybe I was wrong. Despite the fact that she’s a crazy bitch, I think your mother might have a point. I can’t give you the life you are accustomed to. I work long hours… I’ll never live in the suburbs or give up my bike. FUCK! I’m just not the man that can give you that white picket fe
nce dream. And I feel like after seeing your mom, well, I wondered if you realized that too.” He ran his hands through that beautiful hair, throwing his face up to the ceiling and stared as his hands slid down the back of his neck clutching it.
No one moved or spoke. Only the crackling of the fire continued as silent minutes went by and tears continued to streak my face...
Finally, he continued. “But I needed to hear it from you. Is it true? Is that why you pulled away? Did you leave because you realized I would never fit into your lifestyle?”
Now it was my turn to pause… except I didn’t. It’s funny how emotions can switch like the flick of a light switch.
“How dare you Jean-Marc… whatever made you think that I wanted any of those things?” I retorted, furious that he was making all these stupid assumptions about me. “You know what? You’re such an asshole! You were more than happy to fuck me and have me work at your shop all summer— but all of a sudden after ten minutes with my mother you’ve come to all these conclusions about me? Fuck you! I did what I had to do for YOU, for both of us. So, fuck you and your judgments!”
“Esti de tabernak!” He swore. A look of exasperation flooded his face followed by what seemed to be pure hatred. JM turned and punched the wall so hard the entire apartment shook. A massive hole in the wall stared back at us.
A moment of silence passed between us as we stared at the hole. Logan was going to freak. I half expected him to come running out right now.
“Garde qu’est-ce que tu m’a fait faire! Look what you made me do! ” JM spat before storming out the door, slamming it behind him.
Tears fell down my face like a waterfall, accumulating in the crater sized hole in my chest. I felt the darkness coming over me quickly; it came from behind my eyes and enveloped me into its tight embrace. For a moment, it brought peace and I welcomed it.
Chapter 30
Logan saved me. I will always be grateful to my brother for that day, and every day that I spent in what I still refer to as “limbo”.
Inked Love: An Enemies to Lovers Romance Page 16