by Alex Grayson
“This is… this is gorgeous, Blue!” she exclaims, not taking her eyes off the sight before her.
I place my hand on her lower back and walk us over to a soft grassy area close to the bank of the small stream of water. I pull her down and we both sit.
“I found this place when I was ten years old. My mom and Dad used to bring me, my brother, and my sister here all the time. We’d picnic at the tables we drove by. One day, I was exploring the area and came across this little gem. After looking around the area for several minutes, I laid down right where we are and fell asleep. I woke to my parents calling my name. They had been looking for me for an hour.”
I stop and look over the small hidden alcove of beauty we’re in. There’s a small stream of water about ten feet in front of us. It can’t be any more than three feet wide, but the current is strong. There are rocks in the stream with water rushing over them. It mimics what a river would look like leading up to a waterfall. Actually, about thirty feet down the stream, there is a mini waterfall about two feet tall. Surrounding us and across the stream are trees upon trees, with low hanging branches. It’s fall, so the colors of the leaves are a mixture of oranges, yellows, and reds. The grass is thick and luscious, and the sun peeks through at times throughout the day, sending in beams of light.
“Were they mad at you?”
I twirl a piece of hair that’s fallen from her hair tie around my finger. “I think at first, they were just relieved at finding me okay, but once we got home, I was put on restriction for a week. The next time we came, I did the same thing, but they knew where to find me.”
Abby laughs and rests her head against my shoulder. “So, you were a rebellious child, huh?”
“Actually, no, that was my one and only attempt at being unruly. I was always the good kid. My sister was the loud one, and a handful for my parents. My brother was the goofy one of us three.”
She laughs again. “I can’t really blame you for coming here. I’d be here all the time too.”
“You should see it in the summer. It’s filled with all kinds of wildflowers. I used to make my mom a bouquet of flowers when I would leave. She always had a soft look on her face when I did, and it made me so proud I put the look there.”
“Your mom sounds pretty special,” she remarks.
Her hand goes to my knee and starts tracing patterns there.
“She is.” I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “She wants to meet you.”
Her shocked gaze swings to mine. “Really?”
I nod, and hope she doesn’t start freaking out. I still get the sense that she’s waiting for the other shoe to drop between us. I’m not going to let it happen. I’ll superglue those fuckers to our feet if I have to.
“You’ve told her about me?” she asks suspiciously.
“Not what you’re thinking. That’s none of her business. I just told her I’ve met someone that I really like.”
She looks from me and back to the stream, her brows dipped down into a frown. I reach out and smooth the wrinkle away and she looks back at me.
“I need a bit more time before we go that route.”
It’s not the answer I was hoping for, but it’s not a no, either. I’ll take what I can get right now, and hope I can make her see I’m not going anywhere.
We sit in silence for a while, taking in the beauty surrounding us. She keeps her hand on my thigh, still drawing designs on my jeans.
“How many?” I ask out of the blue. She looks at me in question and I elaborate. “How many kids do you want?”
My question surprises her. Her mouth drops open comically, and I almost laugh. The surprise doesn’t last long, though. It’s soon replaced by sadness.
As she’s known to do, she tries to pull away from me, and again, I tug her back.
“Colt—” she starts, my name a painful plea on her lips.
“Hey.” I turn her face toward mine. “It was just a question. I’m not suggesting we go right now and make a baby, although the act itself would be highly arousing.” I insert a wink, hoping to bring a smile to her face. It doesn’t work. If anything, it makes her sadder. I want to kick myself.
“It’s just…” she shakes her head before continuing. “I’ve always wanted kids, a whole house full of them, but I never thought I could.”
“Because of your addiction?” I ask quietly, rubbing my hand down her back soothingly.
“Yes. There’s no way I could bring a child into the world, knowing that I may one day cheat on their father. Not to mention, I couldn’t very well ask someone to babysit while I go out and have sex with random strangers.”
I nearly growl at the image of her having sex with some random guy, but I push it away.
“I understand your reasoning, but I don’t think you give yourself enough credit. You’re stronger than what you think, Abby.” Before she can protest, I add, “Have you noticed the last two weeks that you haven’t had one episode?”
I can see the wheels turning in her head as she thinks. Elation brightens her face, before it’s wiped clean with a look of dejection.
“That’s only because you’ve been there, and have been able to stave off the cravings before they start.”
“That’s true, but you said yourself you feel them all day. I always know when you’re in pain, and I haven’t seen that look on your face all week. Do you still feel it during the day?”
“Yes, it’s still there, but doesn’t seem to be as pronounced, but like I said, that could be because you’re there before they get bad. Maybe my body is just shutting down on itself and realizing the strain it’s been through. That doesn’t mean it won’t come back full force like it was before.”
I lay her back against the thick grass and loom over her, dipping down for a brief kiss, before pulling back.
“How about we just take it one day at a time and not question it? Who knows what the future will hold. Who’s to say it will come back? There’s no way to know that, but if it does, we’ll handle it.”
Her eyes bounce back and forth between mine, thinking about my words. I see hope in her gaze, but I also see fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of being disappointed, fear of being let down.
Just as I told her, none of us know what the future holds, but I do know that no matter what happens, I’ll be there by her side, and we’ll get through it together. There’s no way I’ll let it be anything other than that.
Chapter Twelve
Abby
I hang up the phone after talking to Blue, and bite my lip in worry. It’s Friday evening, the night of Ava’s birthday. Blue called to tell me he was running late, but he was on his way to the private airstrip.
I glance at my watch and see that’s it’s already close to seven. He told me this morning he had a meeting out of town, but said he’d be back before I left to go to Blackie’s. With his meeting running late, he said for me to go ahead and he’ll meet me there. Luckily, he owns his own jet, and as long as the weather permits, can take off anytime he wants.
It’s not me going to Blackie’s alone that has me concerned, it’s the little niggle of pain that’s steadily getting worse. Just as I’d feared, it started getting worse again a couple days ago. I haven’t told Blue, not wanting to alarm him. I’ve been able to hide it, but I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to continue to. He’s very intuitive, and can normally tell when something is bothering me. To say I was disappointed when the pain started getting bad again is a huge understatement. I wanted Blue’s words the other day at the park to be true so bad, but it looks like I’m destined to deal with this forever. I just wonder how long Blue can handle it. The sex between us is phenomenal, but who wants a sexually dependent woman hanging off their shoulder all the time? Eventually, his work and our lives will get in the way. I dread that day more than anything, because I’m not sure I’ll be able to handle the pain I endured a few weeks ago without seeking out relief. But what scares me the most, what has my chest tightening so much it nearly crushes my lungs,
is the pain I’ll feel at losing him.
I take one more look in the mirror to ensure my make-up and hair is good, before walking out to living room to grab my purse and keys. My palms are sweaty as I close and lock my apartment door behind me.
Forty-five minutes later, I’m walking into Blackie’s, and am met with the usual loud music, and the smell of alcohol and sex. It’s been three weeks since I’ve been here, but it feels like three months. I was used to coming here at least five days a week. It feels strange to be back now. It doesn’t feel right, almost like I’m slipping back into my old life before I met Blue.
Pain hits my chest at the thought. I don’t want to go back to that life. I want the one I have with Blue.
I spot Ava, Nathan, and Tegan, sitting at a high-top table and make my way over to them.
Ava glances over my shoulder as I approach.
“Is Colt getting you a drink?” she asks.
“No.” I take a seat on one of the stools. “He’s going to be here in a little bit. His meeting ran late.”
She looks over to Nathan, who’s watching me closely. I ignore them and signal a waitress over to order a drink.
“What?” I ask sharply, when I find them still looking at me worriedly after the waitress walks off.
“You okay?” Ava puts her elbows on the table, her pink drink clutched in one hand and nibbling on her bottom lip.
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?” My tone comes out defensive.
“It’s just…” She trails off, looking over to Nathan, and then Tegan. She shifts nervously in her seat. It’s not often I see a nervous Ava. She’s normally all about speaking her mind, whether the person likes it or not, and that includes me, Nathan, and Tegan.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake, spit it out!” I spew, tired of the secret looks they’re sharing.
Instead of Ava opening her mouth to tell me what the deal is, Tegan gets up from his chair and walks around to my side. He sidles up next to me and throws an arm around my shoulders.
“It’s nothing. Just ignore those two clowns and come dance with me.”
He leads me to the dance floor and turns to face me. It’s a slow song, so he pulls me into his arms by my waist, and mine go around his neck. His leg goes slightly between mine, like how they do in the movie Dirty Dancing, and he starts swaying us to the seductive music. Tegan is a damn good dancer.
“What the hell was that about?” I ask, then slide his Aviators back up his head when they start slipping down. Tegan and his damn glasses that he’s never seen without.
“They’re just worried. You came in looking a little pale. You’ve been with Colt every night for the past three weeks, and this is the first time you haven’t been. They know your schedule.”
There’s no need for him to elaborate on the schedule comment. I know just what he means. They know when my body goes into sexual overdrive. It’s coming up on eight at night, about the time I start my prowl for a guy. I not only know this because I looked at the time on my phone before I walked in the bar, but also because the cramps are starting to get worse, and I’m starting to sweat and get jittery.
“So?”
He sways us back and forth, his thigh briefly brushing against my center every few seconds. If he wasn’t my friend and I wasn’t with Blue, Tegan would make an excellent candidate for the night. He knows how to make the girls fall at his feet. Of course, Tegan and I have had sex before, but I only go to him if I can’t find someone else, or Nathan isn’t available.
“They’re concerned that he won’t make it here in time, especially Nathan,” he explains.
“Well, they’re concerned for nothing,” I tell him stubbornly. “Blue will be here.” I have no reason to doubt Blue, but a small part of me is worried myself.
“I know he will.”
I glance up at Tegan and his surefire tone.
“How do you know?” I ask, more than curious why he’s so confident. He doesn’t know Blue, except for the things I’ve told him.
“Because the man is complete gaga over you. There’s no way he won’t be here.”
I take in his words and hope they are true, because I’m not sure if I’m ready to let go of Blue. And I know I’ll be forced to if he’s not here in time. I doubt I’ll ever be ready to let him go. He’s superglued himself to my heart in such a short time, there’s no hope of him ever getting free.
We finish our dance and start another one. This one is faster, and I’m grateful when Tegan releases me to bust his moves. Before Blue came along, I didn’t mind dirty dancing with Nathan and Tegan. Now, it just doesn’t feel right. My body apparently belongs to Blue, and doesn’t like when others touch it now.
By the time we get back to the table, my drink is sitting there waiting on me. I take several swallows of the sweet, but harsh concoction, and sigh at the wetness sliding down my throat. Ava’s no longer at the table, probably out dancing with some random guy, but Nathan still is. He doesn’t dance much, preferring to watch the others. He doesn’t say anything to me, but I can still see the concerned look in his eyes. I ignore the look and glance down at my phone to check the time. I place it back on the table, face up, for when he calls to tell me he’s on his way. It’s been thirty minutes since I got here. Worry is making itself known in my stomach, mixing in with the cramps that are already there. I try my best to hide the worry from Nathan and Tegan, but I’m not sure if I manage it or not.
This is the first time I’ve felt uncomfortable in my friend’s presence, and I hate that I do now. I just feel like they’re judging me, especially Nathan. I’m grateful he cares enough to worry, but it’s not what I need right now. I need my friends to act normal and have a good time.
I turn in my seat, taking my drink with me, to scan the dance floor. I need to do something besides just sit here. My feet bounce on the rungs, becoming antsy. I should have heard from Blue by now. He said it was just a short thirty-minute plane ride.
As soon as I face the dance floor, Ava comes bouncing up, dragging a blond-haired guy along with her. I’ve already talked to her once today and told her happy birthday, but I still feel the need to say it again. I plaster on a smile, and hope she doesn’t bring the subject up of the still missing Blue.
“Happy Birthday, Ava.”
I get up from my chair and engulf her in a hug. She returns it, and I’m grateful when she pulls back and has a happy smile on her face, instead of the troubled one she had before.
“Thanks, babe.” She turns to the guy waiting beside her. “This is Gary. Gary, these are my friends, Abby, Tegan, and Nathan.” She points to each of us.
We all respond with waves and ‘Heys’ and they take a seat, Gary pulling over a chair from another table.
I open my purse and pull out a wrapped present and hand it over to Ava. Giving me a grin full of teeth, she tears into the package, then squeals like a school girl. Jumping up from her chair, she squeezes me tight in a hug.
“You are amazing!” she yells. Taking her seat, she begins to flip through the book. She told me the other day that she’s getting bored with the same old role-playing scenarios, and is having trouble coming up with new ideas. My gift is a book on a hundred different sexual role-play games.
We all laugh when she starts naming off a few, and it’s funny to watch the shock and awe on Gary’s face. He’s in for a very interesting time tonight with Ava.
Picking up my phone, I bring it underneath the table and send Blue a message.
Me: Where are you?
Checking to make sure both the volume and vibrate is on, I set it down on my lap to wait for his answer.
But it never comes. Another hour passes and he doesn’t respond. My worry escalates, and so does the pain gripping my stomach. My shakes are so bad that I’ve stopped picking up my drink for fear of giving myself away to the others. I can’t do anything about my flushed and sweaty face, though. I try to concentrate on the conversation around me, but it’s hard when you’re constantly trying to force the pain away. Every once
in a while, I’ll look over to Nathan, only to find him glaring at me. I scowl at him in return each time. The others seem to be too much into what’s going on around them to notice, and I thank God for that. Tegan is currently necking with a girl that’s sitting on his lap, while Ava and Gary are discussing some shit about whips and collars. Guess that means a dominate-submissive scenario is going to happen tonight. I wonder who will play which role.
I glance down at my phone for the hundredth time, bringing it to life to make sure it’s still working, but there’s no fucking missed calls or texts. I’ve texted him two other times, and even called him once from the ladies’ room, with no luck. What the fuck is going on? He promised me he would be there whenever I needed him, and I believed him. I know there has to be some reasonable explanation, but my pain-filled mind can’t come up with a single one. I just don’t understand why he hasn’t returned my messages.
A particularly hard cramp squeezes my stomach tight, and I can’t hide the wince of pain it causes me. I suck in a deep lungful of air and let it out slowly until the pain lessens fractionally. I feel a draft of cool air from the vents above when the air conditioner kicks on. My shirt is damp because of sweat, so I shiver in response to the cool air.
“That’s it,” a deep voice growls from across the table. I look over, just as Nathan gets up from his chair and stalks around it to my side. “I’m taking you home.”
“I’m fine,” I grit out from between clenched teeth.
“The fuck you are,” he says, grabbing my phone from my lap and stuffing it in my purse. “You’re drenched in sweat, and you’re shaking so bad I can practically feel the vibrations of it across the table. Let’s go, or I’m carrying you out.”
I narrow my eyes at him, but he just holds my look and gives it back to me. He’s right, I’m not doing okay, but he can stop with the high-handedness. It’s pissing me off, and I’m already irritated that Blue still hasn’t showed up, or at least called me.