Always Wanting (Consumed, Book One 1)

by Alex Grayson

  Rage for the man standing in front of me starts taking hold. The heated look he’s giving me does nothing to quell my anger. But seconds later, it’s the guilt I see flash across his face that sends me over the edge of destruction. He has no fucking right to feel guilty. I may have put Abby in this situation by not being here, but I have no doubt he took advantage of it.

  Before I know what I’m doing, I’m stepping toward him, my fist raised to strike. “You fucking bastard,” I hiss, right before my fist crashes against his face. His head jerks to the side and he stumbles back a step.

  We’re of equal size, so my punch doesn’t do what I wanted it to, which is land him on his ass. He turns his head back to me slowly, and licks the small trail of blood that trickles from his split lip.

  “It’s not what it looks like.” His voice is deep, and filled with something I can’t quite name.

  My glare travels down his near naked form. “You fucking dare lie to me?” I sneer. “Tell me right fucking now that you didn’t touch her!”

  The guilt is back on his face, and it ramps up my anger even more. I swing my fist at him again, but this time, he deflects by ducking. My second swing clips him on the chin, but it isn’t nearly hard enough for me, so I swing again. My anger and pain is so great, that I’m clumsy in my moves. He ducks my fist again, and manages to grab hold of my wrists. He somehow maneuvers his way around my back, my wrist still in his grip, and pins it high up on my back. My chest is heaving, and there’s a pounding in my head. I don’t even try to yank away from him, because what’s the point? What’s done is done, and the fault is all mine.

  I feel him at my back, when he growls in my ear, “I did touch her. I touched her long enough to undress her and get her in the shower to cool her fevered body down, then put her to bed. But make no mistake, Colt, it did almost go there. She needed it. Man, she needed it so fucking bad. We were there, in her bathroom. In her weakened state, she reached for me. I let her, because it fucking guts me to see her like that, but she stopped it. She’s the one who backed away, even knowing what she must have been going through, the pain coursing through her body, she still refused to give her body what it needed. I care for that girl, and will do anything for her, so had she continued, I damn sure wouldn’t have stopped her, even if it would have destroyed her afterwards. I would give her anything she needs.”

  He turns quiet for a moment, both of us breathing heavily. My eyes lock on his reflection in the window across the living room. I can barely make out his face, but what I do see is pain, and his own batch of anger.

  “What nearly happened tonight is on you,” he grates out. “You weren’t there for her when she needed you the most, which just proves to her that something real between the two of you could never happen. You are the one who let her down. This was not her being weak.”

  “You love her.” It’s not a question, but a statement. The idea of it has my body tensing, preparing to yank itself away to beat the living shit out of him. The thought of him loving her and having known her body makes me want to do irreparable damage.

  “I do,” he confirms, releasing my arm. I swing around to face him, my hands balled into fists. The only thing holding me back is the knowledge that he and Abby didn’t have sex tonight. The relief of knowing they didn’t is there, but my new revelation isn’t allowing me to enjoy it.

  “But not the way you’re thinking,” he expounds further. “I love her, but I’m not in love with her. I could never make her truly happy. I could keep her body satisfied, but never her heart. Just like she could never satisfy my heart. I could be with her, but we could never really be happy with each other.”

  The seriousness of his tone, and the way his eyes don’t waver from mine says he’s telling the truth.

  “Why are you only wearing your jeans?” I narrow my eyes at him, still finding that part odd.

  “Because she puked on me.” My eyes flicker down, and I notice a few wet spots on the thighs of his jeans, like he tried wiping something away with a wet rag. “I just got out of the shower, because some got on my arms and I wanted that shit off. Then you knocked on the door.”

  I nod, accepting his excuse. “How is she?” I ask, my impatience to see her coming back full force.

  “Go see for yourself.” He lifts his chin in the direction of her bedroom, and I walk quickly down the hallway.

  When I enter her room, it’s shrouded in shadows, the only light coming from the bathroom door that’s slightly ajar. My feet carry me to the side of the bed she’s on. The light from the bathroom shows her face, which is flushed, and slightly damp. She’s tucked beneath the covers with her lashes resting against her cheeks. Although she’s asleep, she seems restless. I can see her eyes flickering back and forth beneath her lids, and her legs are sliding back and forth against each other. Little moans slip past her lips.

  My own stomach cramps at the apparent pain she’s in, even in sleep.

  “How is she asleep right now?” I ask Nathan, who I felt step into the room seconds behind me. “Why isn’t she thrashing in pain?”

  “Because she’s doped up on Valium.”

  I turn and scowl at him. “What the fuck?” The thought of her on drugs doesn’t sit well with me.

  He shrugs. “It was her choice. It was either that, fuck me, or suffer in pain. She chose the drugs.”

  I turn back to Abby, and drop my head, closing my eyes as pain wraps itself around my heart and squeezes tight. This is my doing. I promised her I’d find a way to always be there for her, and we’re barely weeks into our relationship, and I’ve already let her down.

  “I don’t know what the fuck kept you from her tonight,” Nathan says, stepping closer to me. I can feel the heat from his anger hitting my back. “But I’m not sure if you can fix it. She was in a bad way. Her eyes were fucking dead, and not just because of the pain her body was inflicting on her, but the emotional pain of you proving to her she was right all along. She’s never, not once, let anyone in like she did you, and the first time she does, she’s let down.”

  My chest tightens to the point of suffocation, and I pull in a tortured breath. I know what he says is true. I know I’m going to have my work cut out for me, proving to her that this will never happen again, because I refuse for it to end between us. It’s too important. My feelings for her are too strong, and I know hers are too.

  “Why do you care? I figured you’d be happy. It’s no secret you don’t like me.”

  “Because, for the first time in the seven years I’ve known her, her smiles were genuine, not forced or pain-filled. There was a light in her eyes I’ve never seen before. Because she was happy, and everyone knew it.”

  I stay quiet for several minutes, just looking at the woman that’s quickly taken over my heart, taking in her beauty. There’s still so much we don’t know about each other, still so much to learn, but I know without a single doubt in my mind that we are meant to have this chance.

  “Leave,” I tell Nathan, keeping my eyes pinned on Abby’s sleeping form. I need to be alone with her. I need to slip in behind her and hold her body against my own. To feel her beside me and in my arms.

  Not saying anything, Nathan slips out of the room. I’m glad he didn’t fight me. I get the sense that he knows my feelings for her. We may have started off rocky, but there’s no way he can’t see my remorse at not being here for her.

  As soon as I hear the door click closed, I strip off my clothes and crawl in behind her. She’s completely bare as well. I ignore the fact that it was Nathan that saw her naked again tonight.

  Her body feels cool to the touch, but it’s still clammy. There’s a slight tremble from her, and I pull her closer. She gives off a small whimper, but relaxes back against me. I lay with her, wrapped tightly in my arms, my face buried in her hair, while she sleeps agitatedly beside me. Her body jerks every few seconds, like even in her drug-induced sleep, she still can’t get away from the painful cravings. Each movement from her cuts slices into my heart, until
it’s left bleeding in my chest.

  “I’m so goddamn sorry, Abby,” I whisper against her neck.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been asleep, but I wake to Abby moaning loudly. My eyes flicker open to find we’re still in the same position as when I fell asleep. A look outside shows it’s still dark, so it couldn’t have been too long since I’d fallen asleep.

  She moans again and pushes her backside against my hardening cock. Sometime during the night, I must have angled my dick between her legs, because it’s now nestled against her pussy lips, sliding easily between them due to her wetness. I feel slightly sick that I can be turned on when she’s in such apparent pain. Lifting up on an elbow, I loom over her and see her eyes are still closed. She’s still asleep.

  A thought occurs to me. She doesn’t know I’m in bed with her. For all she knows, I could be Nathan. After all, he was the last person she saw. My stomach plummets at the thought, and I clench my eyes closed. This isn’t about me right now. It’s about Abby, and relieving her of her pain. It’s my fault she’s so desperate that she’s willing to take whoever she can get.

  I rest my head against her temple and take a deep breath before releasing it. Her moans are getting louder, and her movements against me are getting persistent. I really don’t like the idea of taking her while she’s asleep, but I can’t stand the thought of her suffering any longer, either.

  My hand travels down her stomach to the apex of her thighs. They automatically open for me, and I palm my cock between her legs and apply pressure. The tip meets her clit, and a soft cry leaves her lips. Her hand goes to land on top of mine as she brings her hips forward enough so the tip is at her opening. I clench my jaw as the first inch slides inside. She sighs, and I know the relief is instant for her. I can’t imagine depending on something so much that my body quits functioning properly until it gets what it needs.

  “Colt,” she whispers.

  My eyes swing to hers to find them still closed. Relief like nothing I’ve felt before slams into me. Leaning down, I feather a kiss against her shoulder. “I’m here, Abby.”

  She reaches back and laces her fingers through my hair, tugging my head down to her neck. Falling back to my side, I finger her clit as I pump my hips slowly, sliding in and out of her leisurely. I know slow isn’t what she needs right now, but I want to take a moment and relish the feeling of her knowing who is taking her.

  After several gentle pumps, she becomes impatient and starts to forcefully slam her hips back against me. “Harder, Colt.”

  Staying buried deep inside her, I roll her to her stomach and spread her legs wide. I don’t pull her to her knees, but instead, press my stomach and chest to her back and wrap an arm around her waist. In short shallow thrusts, I ram my hips forward, grinding down on her with each forward motion. I know I’m hitting the right spot when she cries out and her walls tighten around me.

  With my free hand, I wrap it in her hair and tug her head back. Her eyes are open into slits, showing she’s at least somewhat coherent. I drop my head and run my tongue across the seam of her lips. She opens immediately for me, and I slip inside. The angle of our bodies makes it difficult for the kiss to last. I pull back and rest my forehead in the crook of her neck, as I continue to fuck her, laying kisses against her skin.

  Other than our moans and heavy breathing, neither of us make a noise. The sex is intense, just as it always is between us, but it’s also different. We’re here because she needs me, not because she wants me. It’s not that we’re not enjoying it, but it’s not an ideal situation. Her body is betraying her mind and taking over. We’re not having sex with affection in the normal sense, the main purpose is for body healing. Even as I think this, my feelings for her grow.

  Her body tightens around me, and I growl with the pressure around my cock. She always squeezes me so damn tight. I love the feeling of her surrounding me. She always fits me so perfectly, like God made her specifically for me. And not just for sex. Even when we’re lying around the house, and I have her snuggled against my body, or holding hands, or her standing next to me with my arm around her waist. No matter the situation, she fits.

  I groan deep and bite down on her shoulder as I shudder out my release within her body. She pushes her back against me, like she loves the feel of me filling her up and wants more. It causes another jerk from my body.

  I roll to my side and tuck her back even closer against me. Bending my knees, I mold every part of my body against hers. I feel her stiffen slightly, and a small fracture rips at my heart, but luckily, she doesn’t pull away from me. Her body finally relaxes for the first time tonight. A few minutes’ pass and her breath evens out, indicating she’s fallen back asleep. I’m grateful that I have a few more hours to hold her before I have to fight for her.

  The next time I wake up, the sun is filtering in through the window. Abby’s trying to slowly slip from the bed. I stop her by tightening my arms around her waist.

  “Colt,” she warns, but I stop her.

  “Just a few more minutes.” My voice comes out hoarse, betraying my emotions.

  It’s not lost on me that she’s called me Colt the last few times she’s said my name. I’m used to her using Blue, and it scares me that she’s now using Colt instead. I know it means something significant.

  She doesn’t pull away, but she doesn’t relax, either. I lay soft kisses along her neck to try to ease her down, but it doesn’t work.

  I whisper, “I’m sorry.”

  “What happened?” she asks, not hiding the hurt from her voice, which is so unlike her. She normally doesn’t like to give away her feelings. For her to do so now, tells me that her pain is so great that she can’t hide it.

  I sigh and release her. Sitting up against the headboard, I pull her with me so she’s straddling my lap. I like this position because it doesn’t allow her to hide her face from me. I need to be able to see her face so I can see what she’s feeling as I talk. She lets me maneuver her, but I can tell she’s uncomfortable. She takes the sheet and wraps it around her shoulders, shielding herself as much as she can from me.

  I tuck a piece of hair behind her ear. “There was an issue with one of the engines. When I pulled up to the tarmac, I got out of the car and dropped my phone in a fucking puddle of water, ruining it. I couldn’t even get in my phone to get your number to call you from someone else’s. Due to fucking technology, I haven’t memorized your phone number.”

  Her expression changes as I talk. No longer is the pain there. It’s replaced with despondency, and the look sends fear down my spine. This unemotional side she’s showing me is freaking me out. I cup her cheeks and press a kiss against her lips. She doesn’t respond, and my fear spikes even more.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. So fucking sorry.” I let her see the remorse I feel in my eyes and in my voice, hoping she’ll see how much I mean it. Her expression stays the same. “I swear this will never happen again. As soon as they told me it would be several hours before they could get it fixed, I commandeered my driver’s car and hauled ass this way, but I still didn’t make it in time.”

  Her eyes drop from mine to land on my chest, and she tightens the sheet around her.

  “Abby—”

  “I can’t, Colt.” She shakes her head and brings her eyes back to mine. They are filled with tears, and she doesn’t try to hide them as a few glide down her cheeks. “I knew this would happen. I just wished it would have lasted a little bit longer than this.”

  “No, dammit!” I say heatedly. “This isn’t over!” My hands tremble as they tighten on her cheeks. “Abby, it was one time. I swear on my life, it won’t happen again.”

  She gives me a sad smile that breaks my fucking heart. She leans forward and places a soft kiss against my lips.

  “There’s no way you can guarantee that, Colt. Shit happens. You can’t always be there. There will be times when something comes up. It’s not fair to you to have to schedule everything around me because I can’t control my body. And it’s no
t fair to me to depend on you to always be there when I know there will be times you can’t. Last night was one of the most painful nights of my life. Not only because of my body’s demand, but because of the guilt of knowing I may give in and betray you. I almost did, and it nearly killed me, Colt. I can’t do that to you or me.”

  I hear her words and the meaning behind them. It hits me in the stomach, knowing that they are true. There is no way I can guarantee I’ll be there every time she needs me, but I still refuse to believe there isn’t a way we can make this work. I can’t let her go. I don’t want to let her go. Even the thought of it steals my breath and makes it hard to breathe. There has to be a way.

  “I get you’re scared and worried I may let you down again. And as much as I want to protest and tell you I won’t, you’re right, there is no way for me to know what the future holds, but I swear to you, I will try my damnedest to not let it happen again. There has to be some way we can work around it.” I swallow, then clear my throat, baring my soul to her. “I love you, Abby. I’ve never told another woman that before. Those words are precious to me, and I mean them with every beat of my heart. Please, baby, please don’t give up on us.”

  She jerks with my confession of love, her eyes widening. When she tries to scramble from my lap, I lift my knees and lock my arms around her waist so she can’t go anywhere.

  “Colt, you can’t—”

  “I can and I do,” I tell her, giving her waist a little shake. “Why are you so surprised? You make it so easy for the people around you to love you. You may try to push them away, but the cracks in your walls are big enough for them to slip through. You don’t realize it, but you’re begging to be loved. Let me be one of them. Don’t push me away because of this.”

  She squeezes her eyes shut and several tears spill out. I wipe them away as her lips tremble. I think I’ve finally gotten through to her when she opens her eyes, but a look of immense pain flashes in their depths. I know right then; she’s still going to end it.