Worship

by Jennifer Domenico

  “Julia…”

  “I know. I know. It’s just what I want.”

  Diego smiles, moving a lock of hair off my shoulder. “Don’t leave. We can work through this. I need you to stay.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I feel good and I waited ten years to feel this way again.”

  “At lunch you said I made you feel whole.”

  He nods. “My entire life I’ve felt like there was hole in me. Something has always been missing. Maybe it was losing my mother or just not ever feeling like I belonged anywhere.” He takes my hand in his. “But with you I feel like the hole is gone. I can’t love you the way most men can, but I can offer you friendship and deep talks and moonlight walks. I just don’t want you to leave. I don’t want the hole to come back.”

  I climb across the sofa and into his arms where I lay my head on his chest. Slowly, he wraps his arms around me and holds me tight. We sit like this for several minutes without saying a word. It isn’t necessary. If this is all I can have of him, I’ll take it.

  “I should get dinner. Are you hungry?”

  “Yes.”

  Diego sits back, studying my eyes. “I’ll be right back.”

  I watch him stand and walk to the kitchen and then sit back against the sofa. My body is on fire from his touch. I think I might have to invest in that vibrator Erika keeps teasing me about. Diego returns with two bowls of spaghetti.

  “Here you go.”

  “Thank you.” We eat silently at first until I decide to speak. “How did you get appointed to this church?”

  “I was at another parish a few towns over. The priest here died unfortunately of a heart attack. I was asked by the lead priest of my church if I wanted the opportunity. He thought I was ready so I took it. That was two years ago.”

  “That’s nice. I don’t know how it works. Do you get a salary or is everything just covered by the church?”

  “Basic necessities like room and board are covered, and I receive a small salary. You don’t become a priest for the money for sure.”

  We both laugh. “Well you don’t become an art historian for the money either.”

  “I bet not.”

  “I wouldn’t make it without Erika and saving money while I lived with my parents during school.”

  “But you’re doing work you love, and I’ve learned that’s important. Far more than money.”

  “Yeah.” I sip my wine. “Do you ever screw up? Like, I don’t know, drop an F bomb or lose your temper or lust after a parishioner?”

  Diego laughs softly. “I do screw up. I’m mortal. People think priests somehow take a vow and become superheroes who never sin, but that’s wrong. I deal with the same emotions any other human deals with. I’ve let swear words out. I’ve raised my voice in frustration. I feel lust and desire.” His voice cracks slightly. “More than I wish I did.”

  “You’re a young guy. It’s normal.”

  “It is. It’s our actions that matter. I don’t act on my desires.”

  “I do.”

  “Have you had many lovers?”

  “No. Just two. You?”

  “More than two.” He smiles. “I had a lot of maturing to do.”

  “I’ve always been a little shy, especially with men. I was never comfortable just hooking up, you know? I wanted it to mean something.”

  “Did it? Did you care for the men you were with?”

  “Yeah. Enough.”

  “But it wasn’t love?”

  “No. I wish it had been. I want to be in love. I want to meet the one and fall hard. I want to talk about weddings and babies and plan a future with someone. I know I’m young and have lots of time, but that’s what I want. Good thing I have no plans to join a convent.”

  Diego laughs. “You’re funny.”

  “Thanks.” I chew a bite of pasta. “Just so you know, Diego, you’re incredibly good looking. Finding out you’re a priest is almost as bad as finding out you’re gay.”

  “I’m sorry. If I ever thought for even a minute you would be back in my life, I don’t think I would’ve become a priest. I would’ve tried to be with you.”

  “That’s sweet. Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. Finished?”

  “Yep.” He takes my bowl and goes back to the kitchen while I stand and look out the window. A moment later, I feel him standing behind me so close I can lean into him. I twist around, tilting my face up to meet his eyes. “Do you want to say something?”

  “A million things.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “Another time. Right now, I just want to stare into your eyes.”

  “Diego, you’ve got to stop being so romantic and sweet. You’re gonna make this harder than it already is.”

  “I can’t help it. I spent a decade dreaming about you, wishing and praying that somehow I could see your face again. I never believed I would, but here you are. I can’t take my eyes off of you.”

  “I wish you could kiss me. You have no idea how bad I want to feel your lips.”

  “I couldn’t. No way. If I kissed you once, it would never be enough. It would only make the longing worse.”

  I shake my head. “We shouldn’t talk like this.”

  “No. I shouldn’t be this close.”

  “You should move.”

  “I can’t.”

  I let my hands roam across his chest. When my eyes meet his again, my breath catches from the emotion radiating between us. He lifts my hands and kisses them.

  “What should we do about this, Diego?”

  “I don’t know yet. I knew it would be difficult to be alone with you, but I had no idea it would make me question everything in my life.”

  “Maybe I should just go.”

  “I should let you.”

  “But?”

  “Have another drink. Stay a little longer. Please.”

  I shake my head. “If I stay…”

  “What?”

  “I’ll throw myself on you. Either you’ll reject me or you’ll break your vow. I don’t want that to happen.”

  He shakes his head. “Julia, please. Don’t go. We can figure it out.”

  “What are we gonna do if I stay? We can’t keep talking about love and desire and sex. You can’t keep telling me how beautiful I am.”

  He smiles. “How about some gelato? You’ll tell me about the work you do and what your life’s been like. Please?”

  “Are you sure?”

  He nods. “100%. I know this is hard. It is for me too, but I need you around. Whatever happens or doesn’t between us needs to be thought out. I don’t want to make a mistake and lose you, but this is all I can offer right now.”

  I consider my options for a moment. “I’ll have some gelato, but only if it’s chocolate.”

  He smiles. “Of course it’s chocolate.” He grips my hand. “Thank you.”

  I sit on the couch and wait for Diego to return. He hands me a small dish of ice cream as he sits next to me. “Tell me the craziest thing you’ve done?”

  I think for a moment. “Well, besides sneaking out of a reunion with you, I haven’t done a lot of crazy things. I’ve always been a little risk adverse, but there was one time just recently before we left New Jersey. Erika and I went out and we were drinking. I was super drunk and the DJ announced they were having a wet t-shirt contest and the winner would get a thousand dollars.”

  Diego nods, eating his ice cream. “And?”

  “And Erika talked me into it because she said I had the best boobs in town.” We both laugh. “I was so drunk and a thousand bucks sounded great so I did it.”

  His eyes open wide. “Did you?”

  “Yeah.” I slide the spoon from my mouth. “I won.”

  Diego throws his head back in laughter. “That’s fantastic.”

  “Yeah. It went into my Italy fund. It felt good to do something so out of character, you know? And something my parents would just die if they knew about.”

  “So you en
joyed your taste of rebellion?”

  “I did.” I nod. “Other than that though, honestly, I’m pretty low key.”

  “Tell me about your dating life.”

  I shrug. “Not much to tell. I told you how strict my dad was so in high school it was just study and get into a good school. I told myself when I got to college I would do whatever I wanted, but it’s hard to break an eighteen year pattern.”

  “Yes.”

  “But I met Erika freshman year and we just hit it off. She’s the yin of my yang. She’s adventurous and outspoken and free. I needed her in my life to open me up a bit.”

  “Opposites can attract.”

  “Yes.” I take another bite of ice cream. “She fixed me up with the guy that ended up being my first.”

  “Oh, she did?”

  “He was in one of her classes and she thought we would hit it off.”

  “And you did?”

  “Yeah, we went on a date and then a couple more. At that point, I was ready. I just wanted to know about sex, you know? I was nineteen and I had no clue. So I asked him he wanted to be that for me and he said yes.”

  “What was it like?”

  “He was nice and gentle. He understood what it would mean to me. He made it romantic and special.”

  “Did you keep seeing him?”

  “Yeah, it lasted like six months until we figured out that it wasn’t going to be love. We stayed friends, but lost touch when we graduated and went different directions.”

  “You had another boyfriend after him?”

  “I did. Ryan. He wasn’t that long ago. We dated for a year.”

  “Why did it end?”

  “He partied too much. He wasn’t ready to be with just one person.”

  “Did he cheat on you?”

  “Not to my knowledge, but there were lots of pics of him hanging on girls at parties and stuff. I was studying my ass off and he was drinking and all kinds of shit. I broke it off so I could focus.”

  “Smart.”

  “Yeah, so that’s my elaborate dating life. You?”

  “I told you before. I partied too. Just did whatever with whomever. I’ve never been serious about anyone.”

  “So, I guess like, isn’t sex the hardest thing to give up? You know what it feels like and you can never have it again.”

  He nods, slowly eating his ice cream. “At first it was. I would see a pretty woman and my instinct was go get her, but over time, as I devoted myself to my studies, the urge slowly faded away.”

  “You’re never tempted by a pretty girl walking by or a sexy woman in your confessional?”

  “Rarely. I’ve had a few women come on to me. Subtly, of course, but I knew what they were doing. My body reacted, but my brain never did.”

  “That’s good.”

  “Yeah, it’s good. You’re the first serious temptation since I became a priest.”

  “Yeah, well you’re the first man I’ve thrown myself at. Ever.”

  “You’re not throwing yourself at me. There’s an attraction that’s definitely hard to resist.” He smiles. “It’s funny, isn’t it? Ten years ago it was instant and nothing changed. You would think all that time something would’ve shifted, but it’s like we were frozen in time and all the things that happened in between don’t exist anymore. Only you and I exist.”

  “That’s sweet, but it isn’t true. You and I exist, but so does the church.”

  “Right.” He exhales slowly. “We always end up here again don’t we?”

  “We do.” I set my dish down, finally able to pull myself away. “I think on that note, I should go. Thank you for dinner. It was really good, and I loved seeing where you live.”

  “You being here was everything. I’ll walk you home.”

  “No, it’s fine. It’s not that late, and I’d rather say goodbye now.”

  “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  I walk out and take a deep breath exhaling slowly before starting my walk home. My body is on fire right now, and I have no idea how to handle this with him. The attraction between us is undeniable. I hurry down the street to my apartment. When I enter, Erika is sitting at the dining table eating pasta and watching a movie on her tablet. She looks up and smiles.

  “How did it go?”

  “Terrible.”

  She tilts her head. “Why?”

  “He was perfect. Romantic, sweet. He can cook. His place is cozy and nice.”

  “Um, all of that sounds good, not terrible.”

  “He’s a fucking priest. I can’t do anything about it.”

  “Oh. Right.” She nods. “Yeah, that is a problem.”

  “A huge one. We were standing so close.” I shake my head. “I put my hands on his chest and for a second, I thought he was gonna kiss me.”

  “Holy shit. Really?”

  “Really. I wanted him to. I told him I had to go or I was going to throw myself at him, but he talked me into staying for ice cream.” I shake my head. “It was dumb. We talked about school and shit.”

  “That wasn’t nice?”

  I exhale slowly. “Actually, it was. He’s great, Erika. It was only dumb because we were so obviously avoiding the sexual tension between us. I was staring at his mouth just imagining what it would feel like all over me.”

  “Whoa.” She slurps some pasta in her mouth. “That’s major.”

  “I know. I was close to just ripping off my clothes.”

  “Well he is fire.”

  “I know. Even more than you see.” I sit down across from her. “He was wearing this t-shirt that showed off all his muscles. How can a priest look like that?”

  “Hardly fair. All the priests I’ve ever seen have been old as fuck.”

  “Exactly.”

  “So what happens when you guys kiss? Does he get kicked out or something?”

  “We’re not going to kiss.”

  Erika shrugs. “I wouldn’t be so sure. I was at lunch with you two. You can feel the sexual tension. It’s a matter of time before one of you gives in.”

  “He won’t. He made a vow.”

  “And? He told you to your face that he’s been in love with you for ten years. Love changes everything, Julia. You know that. He hasn’t had to think about it before because you weren’t here, but now you are. Now he’s probably thinking the fuck did I become a priest?”

  We both laugh. “You’re crazy.”

  “I’m also honest, and I know what I saw. You two are not going to be friends.”

  “Yeah? What are we going to be then?”

  “Either lovers or nothing. There’s no in between.”

  “You’re wrong. People can be friends.”

  “Of course they can as long as neither party has feelings for the other. That’s not the case here, and you know it.”

  I exhale slowly before lifting the bottle of wine on the table and drinking straight from it. “Go to Italy they said. It’ll be fun they said.”

  Erika laughs. “Oh come on. There’s worse things in life than an insanely gorgeous man being in love with you.”

  “You say it like it’s so normal. He’s a priest.”

  We both sit quietly for a minute. “What now?”

  “I don’t fucking know. Tomorrow I’ll go to work and try to focus and ignore Diego.”

  “Excellent plan. Let me know how that works out.”

  “Shut up.”

  She throws her head back in laughter. “Ignore Father Montesanto? Yeah, that’s gonna happen.”

  “Don’t call him that.”

  “Why? It’s hot and it’s his name.”

  “I don’t like the father part. It reminds me he’s off limits.”

  “Hmm, see I see it differently. I think it’s sexy as fuck. Good morning, Father. Bless me, Father. I need my penance, Father. You don’t think that’s hot?”

  “I think you’re a kinky bitch.”

  “I already know that.”

  “Speaking of…” I
twist my lips. “Know where I can get a vibrator?”

  Erika laughs even harder now. “You’re in luck. I have a spare.”

  “Eww.”

  “It’s not opened yet, dumbass. I always keep a backup in case I need it. I don’t have time for shipping.”

  “You’re hilarious.”

  She taps her temple. “Thinking ahead. I’ll bring it to you after I finish eating.”

  “Thanks. I guess I need to relieve some tension after an evening with Diego.”

  “Say his whole name. Try it.”

  I roll my eyes. “With Father Montesanto.”

  Erika grins and wiggles her eyebrows. “Tell me that’s not sexy.”

  A grin pulls at my lips. “Okay. It’s sexy.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  A little while later, I lie in bed completely naked studying the large pink rabbit shaped vibrator Erika gave me. I’ve never used one of these things, but I need to get off and get some of this energy off of me before I see him tomorrow. I turn it on, watching it twirl for a moment before sliding it down my body and between my legs. I close my eyes imagining Diego’s gorgeous blue eyes and pouty mouth. I let my hands roam his body, as his lips find my neck.

  I slip the vibrator inside and arch my back from the sensation before returning it to my throbbing clit. Every tingle I feel I pretend Diego is causing it. I feel the pressure building so I press it harder, grinding against it. When my orgasm hits, it’s Diego’s name that crawls from my lips as the waves of pleasure crash over me. After a few minutes of recovery, I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. I have no idea how I’m going to deal with this. All I know is Diego Montesanto is under my skin and I like it.

  Chapter Two

  Diego

  After a restless night, I sip my second cup of espresso waiting for nine when she’ll walk in this building again and I can see her face. Letting her go last night felt almost as bad as it did ten years ago, but at least this time I know I have more time. For what I haven’t figured out yet. The man in me is struggling with all the things I thought I buried a long time ago. One look at her face and my desire is resurrected. What the hell I do with it is the question. I want her in my life, but how does my desire for her and my commitment to my vows coexist? I check my watch knowing the time is close. Eight-fifty. I exhale slowly. Any minute now.