Filter This

by Sophie White

  Amy had been adamant about setting it up, but Dan had refused to so much as engage in a debate about it. The argument had seemed to be at something of an impasse until Amy (without Shelly’s permission) emailed Dan a twelve-month profit projection of @DivineDanDevine’s potential earnings and he grudgingly acquiesced. His participation was minimal – brands were happy to be associated with Shelly in any way, and they rarely minded that Dan wouldn’t talk about the brands in Stories and, for the most part, just posed in the distance with whatever product was writing the cheque. As part of the agreement, Shelly would usually give them a mention too to sweeten the deal. Between them, the Devine family had virtually every demographic in the market covered.

  ‘Your dress is gorge – where’s it from?’ The girl’s brow furrowed slightly. ‘You haven’t posted it yet, have you?’ She was rapidly tapping on the phone, apparently checking her Insta even while Shelly was sitting right there.

  ‘Ah no, thanks for reminding me – I must pop the date-night outfit up.’ Shelly smiled.

  ‘Oh, it’s date night, is it?’ Dan’s tone was unmistakably snarky but the girl didn’t seem to notice.

  She turned to him. ‘Oh my gawd, your poem on Valentine’s Day. I died. Died. I sent it to my fella and was, like, See – this is a Valentine’s Day post!’

  ‘Right.’ Dan’s jaw was set and Shelly tensed.

  ‘Well, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to squeeze in a little bit of us-time here …’ Shelly was careful to keep her tone light – the followers could quickly turn nasty if they sensed you were trying to move them on.

  ‘Of course, your mum’s minding Georgie for the night,’ she said, still apparently not getting the hint.

  ‘Mm-hmm.’ Shelly nodded. Dan had resumed eating. Loudly. Shelly knew how to get rid of her. ‘Will we do a selfie?’

  The girl’s face lit up. ‘Yes!’

  Dan’s eyes bore into her as she leaned her head in to the girl’s and smiled for the camera.

  ‘OK, well, it was—’ Shelly began wrapping up the encounter but the girl clearly had other plans.

  ‘Do you not want one for your feed?’

  ‘Ehhh … OK.’ Shelly took out her phone and snapped a quick shot of the two of them.

  ‘I wasn’t ready! Go again.’

  Shelly shot Dan a pleading look. ‘I’m sorry,’ she mouthed but Dan just kept chewing furiously. Shelly took another pic, which the girl peered at.

  ‘Can you just tidy up my jaw a bit? And just take, like, an inch off my arm there.’ Shelly paused and the girl looked impatient. ‘In FaceFix, like – here, let me do it, it won’t take a sec.’ She grabbed the phone and quickly tweaked the image. ‘There, now you’ll tag me, won’t you? I’m @KellysKlobber – I’m a fashion blogger too!’

  ‘Oh, amazing, I must check out your blog. It’s been so nice to meet you.’ Shelly was firm, giving her two air kisses. ‘Have a lovely night, Kelly.’ She squeezed her wrist and managed to give her a gentle push away from the table. Kelly, looking delighted with the encounter, wandered back to her table, where several couples were sitting, craning their necks to look at Shelly and Dan. Shelly gave a little wave and Dan laughed.

  ‘The queen waves at her loyal subjects.’ He shoved the last bite of steak into his mouth sullenly.

  Shelly stiffened. She wanted to tell him to cop on and stop being so over the top. However, she was keenly aware that they were on show here in the dining room, surrounded by couples chatting and enjoying the view over the ocean and the cliffs to the right of the bay. There was a winding path up along those cliffs where Shelly planned to suggest a walk tomorrow. She’d tell him about the new baby there. It would be private but not so private that Dan could go completely apeshit either. Unless he went all out and gave her a push. Shelly nearly laughed out loud and Dan spotted her smiling.

  ‘What?’

  Seeing an opportunity, Shelly decided to try to get him back in a good mood. ‘Oh, just the corn protectors – I’d completely forgotten about that collab. What was I thinking?’

  She could see Dan relax slightly. He laughed and then they were both laughing and it felt really good. Shelly felt a pang for the early days. He leaned forward. ‘That girl, though, Kelly’s Klobber!’ This started them off again and the tension seemed to ease.

  Dan stood. ‘I’m just going to the jacks – wanna see about dessert menus?’ Shelly nodded and watched him head off. She asked a passing waiter for the dessert menu and pulled out her phone to post the outfit pic from earlier. She kept one eye out for Dan as she searched the drafts and selected the post – she didn’t want him catching her on the phone. The waiter dropped off the menus and started clearing the plates just as she hit Share. She stashed her phone back in her bag as Dan came back into the dining room. She smiled brightly at him as he sat down.

  ‘So, I thought we might go for a walk tomorrow?’

  ‘Oh yeah?’ Dan was scanning the dessert menu, distracted.

  ‘Yeah, just to get some time together. Alone. Just us.’

  Dan had put down the menu and was looking at her with mild amusement. The look could be interpreted as mocking, but maybe that was part of their problem as a couple – their marriage had become a vicious cycle of perceived slights, defensiveness and no real communication.

  ‘I am aware of the meaning of “alone”,’ said Dan. ‘I’m not the one who struggles with that concept.’ He glanced down at Shelly’s right hand that was empty, conspicuously so. No phone at dinner. Dan’s phone was out on the table between them, but his phone hadn’t become some symbol of their dysfunction. Shelly’s, on the other hand, was like a mistress – a rarely referred to, nefarious entity lingering in the marriage. It was buzzing away in her bag against her leg, purring like a loving pet. She could feel it vibrating with notifications, likes and adoring comments on her date-night outfit. Telling her she was beautiful and lucky. That her life was something to aspire to, that she and Dan were goals.

  ‘Have I taken my phone out once?’ Shelly could feel her blood rising. It was the same argument over and over, so familiar now that they didn’t have to do the extended dance of accusations and recriminations to build the rage from minor hurt to all-out fury. It was as though at the end of each fight the rage did not diminish but remained coiled, ready for its next round, burning as brightly as it had the last time Shelly had shoved it away.

  ‘You’re the one struggling with this – you can’t deal with my success. Have I so much as looked at my phone since we’ve been here?’ demanded Shelly again. Then she checked herself, imagining a hundred Instagram Stories capturing a meltdown.

  ‘Shelly, has it occurred to you that I go on about this because I care about you?’ Dan was being quiet, doing his I’m-so-calm-and-reasonable Dan thing, which usually annoyed Shelly. Now, however, she really looked at him and any scathing tone was gone. He looked tired and a little sad. ‘I’m not jealous of your free swag and being accosted by sycophantic twenty-year-olds over dinner. I’m worried about what all this has done to us, to Georgie, to our family. To you. It’s not healthy, turning your whole life into this sideshow of perfection.’

  Shelly was sitting ramrod straight, her hands gripping the sides of her chair. She felt very hot all of a sudden.

  Dan looked drawn. ‘I do want to salvage this.’ He reached a hand across the tablecloth. ‘I think we can.’

  ‘Salvage it?’ Fear gripped her – had it really gotten to this?

  ‘I don’t think I want to stay married to the two of you … to Shelly and SHELLY.’ Dan was choosing his words carefully. ‘I want my daughter to be a kid for as long as possible, not playing “selfies” and saying she wants to be a YouTuber when she grows up.’

  ‘You don’t want her to be me, basically.’

  ‘You’re not even you anymore. I know you don’t like to hear this but you’ve changed. Old you would’ve mocked this.’ He mimed preening for a selfie. ‘You playing you in some Facebook version of your perfect life is a complete waste of
your talent, Shel.’

  ‘It’s Instagram – how after all this time have you not got that?’

  ‘How after all this time have you not got that it isn’t even real?’ Dan flared up and Shelly glanced around nervously.

  ‘No one’s looking, Shelly. No one cares. You’re just some person in their phone that they watch – believe me, you’re not impacting them in any profound way.’

  That stung. How had the evening gone so badly off track? They were supposed to be getting on. She was supposed to be prepping Dan for tomorrow’s baby reveal. God, she sounded like one of Amy’s Google Calendars. This dinner had, in fact, been labelled ‘groundwork’ on the schedule. And right before they’d come down to dinner, her phone had pinged with a reminder set by Amy – ‘Objective: fluff Dan’. If Dan ever saw some of that stuff … Shelly shuddered inwardly.

  In the early days of SHELLY, Dan had treated it as an amusing hobby. Starting the account had been an attempt at a way out of the post-baby sadness, and he’d initially been happy that she was up and about, putting make-up on again and apparently no longer crying every day. When it started to gain traction, he was genuinely happy for her, if a little confused. He often asked her why she wasn’t going after more auditions and instead spending all her time meeting with brands for partnerships and doing ads for reconstituted-ham-related products, but he hadn’t been judgemental about it. Not then at least.

  Shelly could feel the evening rapidly slipping out of her control – she needed to get him back onside. ‘Will you share the chocolate bombe with me?’ she asked tentatively. ‘Please, Dan.’ He knew she was pleading for more than a dessert split.

  He sat back, shoulders sagging. ‘It’s not the time for this.’ He seemed to be speaking to himself as much as to her. ‘One bombe, two spoons.’ He smiled over at her. ‘We can talk more tomorrow.’

  The table buzzed abruptly – it was Dan’s phone. He glanced at it.

  ‘The lads’ WhatsApp,’ he said, picking it up. ‘Aidan’s got some new gym idea and he’s pestering everyone for money.’

  Shelly watched him scroll and felt her own right hand twitching in longing – she was dying to see her own phone. Even though every post was a winner, it was still a bit like playing a game, and seeing likes and comments from other top-tier influencers gave her a nice little buzz. She was trying to get in with some of the UK influencers. That was a big pond and Amy was cooking up lots of plans for breaking in to the Insta-club over there. She noticed Dan laughing and shaking his head. ‘What?’

  ‘Oh, nothing. Just a few of the lads messing, saying you’re pregnant.’

  ‘What?’ Shelly felt a nervy swoop in her stomach. How on earth?

  On hearing her tone, Dan looked up, his brow furrowed. ‘What’s wrong? They’re only messing.’ He watched her face and his eyes narrowed. The silence stretched between them. ‘They’re messing, yeah? Shelly! What the fuck – are you?’

  ‘Ehmmm …’ Shelly bit her lip – panic was coursing through her from the pit of her stomach to the tips of her fingers. How could they know? ‘What are they saying?’

  Dan thrust the phone over at her.

  Aidan: Whopper news @Dan. Didn’t think you had it in ya (again!)

  Lex: Yeah, Maire just told me. Congrats, man! Two! You’re fucked now LOL. No more golf weekends.

  Mark: When’s Shelly due? Will you still make it to Primavera?

  Dan: Shut up, you pricks. Shel’s not preggers. LOL, I think I’d know.

  Seeing Dan’s response made Shelly feel sick. How had this happened? How’d Maire know? She barely knew Maire. Just then another response appeared in the group.

  Aidan: Eh, check your wife’s Insta, dude

  Fuck. That stopped Shelly cold. The date-night-outfit post had been in Drafts. Amy’s pregnancy announcement had been in Drafts as well.

  Dan’s hand was outstretched, waiting for her to hand back the phone. She was frozen. He couldn’t see that last message.

  ‘Give. Me. The. Phone. And tell me what the hell they’re talking about.’ Dan’s voice was cold and eerily calm.

  Shelly couldn’t find the words. ‘Ehm. Will we step outside for a minute?’ She tried to stall for time.

  Dan reached across and seized the phone. He took a second to catch up on the last message. He looked up. ‘Instagram.’

  The word was like a bullet. Shelly slumped in the chair, afraid to even reach for her bag. The vibrating felt menacing all of a sudden. A sweet purring pet turned malevolent.

  ‘What have you done?’

  ‘I … I don’t know, Dan,’ Shelly said helplessly.

  ‘Are you duffed up?’

  Shelly winced and dodged the question. ‘I don’t know what they’re talking about.’

  ‘Well, do you wanna check?’ he spat.

  Shaking, Shelly grabbed her bag, pulled out her phone and brought up Instagram: The latest post had 48,000 likes, thousands of comments. Stats that would usually thrill her but right now she felt unsteady; the world was off-kilter. The pregnancy announcement was there at the top of her grid. She could feel the tears coming. Dan would never believe this had been an honest mistake. He would say it was a deliberate manipulation to strong-arm him into accepting this pregnancy. She gripped the phone hard. Should she delete it?

  ‘Show me,’ Dan commanded.

  Shelly felt precarious. Delete it and he’d never see it – maybe that would make it easier to smooth it over. He wouldn’t have the visual, the wording to throw at her.

  ‘Show. Me.’ Dan was losing it. Nearby diners had clearly become aware of the storm brewing at their table. To their right, a group had stilled, cutlery poised above plates, obviously straining to hear.

  Shelly checked the time – nearly twenty minutes since she’d posted the pic. If it hadn’t been reported there’d be time to delete it. It wasn’t the perfect solution but it would at least prove to Dan that she hadn’t done it on purpose. She quickly googled her name. The top six results were reporting her pregnancy announcement. The will to manage the situation ebbed away instantly – it was futile. She flicked back to the pregnancy announcement post and handed the phone to Dan, keeping her eyes down.

  ‘Dan.’ Her voice was small and beseeching. Tears were gathering on her lashes, ready to tumble forth. ‘It was an accident.’

  Dan pushed his chair back from the table in a rush of fury. He pulled the phone closer to his face, disbelieving. The dining room was now watching with open fascination. Shelly could see Kelly’s Klobber out of the corner of her eye. Was that a phone in her hand?

  ‘Which part was an accident, Shelly? Huh? Which part exactly was an accident? The part where you fucking got up the pole against my wishes? Or the part where you completely humiliated me and told the fucking world about my baby before I knew about it?’

  Shelly had nothing to say. Literally nothing. She felt sick. She gulped in air and gasped out some words. ‘Please, Dan …’ She covered her face.

  Dan crouched down beside her chair and she felt a flash of hope, extinguished just as quickly when Dan snarled into her ear. ‘I’m leaving right now, Shelly. Don’t follow me. I don’t want to see you, talk to you, breathe the same air as you. You can come back the day after tomorrow as planned. I’ll talk to the solicitor.’

  He stood, chucked her phone on to the table and walked out of the dining room, a sea of dropped jaws in his wake.

  Shelly gathered her things. She needed to move. Now. She hurried through the dining room, keeping her eyes down. Once she made it to the hall, she swerved right and broke into a run. She dialled Amy but no answer. She reached the ladies, which was mercifully empty, and barricaded herself in a cubicle. She whispered a frantic voicenote explaining what had happened and the scene in the dining room and sent it off to Amy.

  A couple of agonising minutes passed before Amy rang.

  ‘We’re going to be fine, Shel.’ Hearing her assistant’s voice was incredibly soothing. ‘Where are you right now?’

  ‘In th
e ladies beside the dining room.’

  ‘OK, first things first: containment. Time is of the essence. We can’t have anyone getting on to Notions.ie, stirring up shit. You stay right where you are. I need to make some calls. Do not leave the bathroom – lock the door and don’t come out no matter what happens. I will call you right back.’

  Amy hung up and Shelly sat down on the lid of the toilet. Flashes of Dan raging in the dining room returned, assaulting her. What did he mean ‘talk to the solicitor’? He couldn’t be planning on separating after one slip-up? Though it hadn’t been just one slip-up exactly – more a series of unhappy days smoothed by mundane distractions like birthdays, anniversaries, dinners and TV. And the distractions had worked less and less as they had drifted apart.

  The phone rang. Amy. Thank god for Amy.

  ‘OK, I’ve dealt with the onlookers.’

  ‘Do I want to know how?’ ventured Shelly, sniffing and trying to calm down.

  ‘I’ve spoken to management. They made an announcement, comping everyone’s meal and night’s stay in exchange for sensitivity in the matter.’

  ‘Oh my god,’ Shelly breathed.

  ‘There’s just one guest who was present that they couldn’t locate. She must have slipped out just after you. Kelly something. Don’t worry, we’ll find her and neutralise her. It’s not a problem. Put it out of your mind now, Shelly. You need to rest up. We need you on form tomorrow. We don’t want a whiff of this detectable on your social channels. Dan will come around and when he does we want the narrative to be in place for him to step back into. The concierge told me Dan left the car park five minutes ago so you’re good to go back to your room now. The night manager, Sean, is waiting outside the ladies to escort you. Lie low, order breakfast to the room in the morning and I’ll be down by 10 a.m. to get you out of there.’