And God Belched

by Rob Rosen

  “You guys need to get out of there,” I said. “If the invasion is happening soon, and the portal needs to be destroyed, you need to be with us.”

  “Agreed,” said Justin Timberlake. “But the building is now on lockdown.”

  A groan went up within the truck. “Look for the diversion, sir,” I told him. “Look for it and then find us.” I grinned. “We’re easy to spot now, by the way: five monks and three nuns.”

  “Excuse me?” said J.T.

  “Yes, what he said,” said Tag.

  My grin widened as I took my friends and family in. “Part of that long story I mentioned. In any case, when the time comes, run; run and find us.”

  “We will,” said Tag. “But hurry, Randy. Please, hurry.”

  The watch went blank. My heart went boom. Hurry, he said. Sadly, there were quite a few limiting factors in that regard.

  Chapter 14

  We temporarily left the truck and found ourselves in yet another skyrise. I turned to Britney once we were all safely in an apartment. “Last project for you,” I told her.

  “Sounds a bit too final for my liking, dude,” she said. “How about: current project.”

  I nodded. “Either way, can you break into the system in here and communicate with the entire city?”

  Everyone in the room turned to me. “Huh?” Craig said. “Why do we need to do that?”

  I hadn’t told them by plan, not yet. Not until I knew we could pull it off first. If Britney couldn’t do what I was asking, we’d have to come up with a new plan. Seeing as my brilliance was short-lived, said new plan had yet to be formulated. In other words, all my eggs were in that shoddy basket of ours.

  “Humor me,” I said to them all.

  Britney squinted my way, clearly thinking of how to pull such an idea off. “Only the government is able to communicate with the entire city at once, in case of an emergency.”

  “Such as?” asked Mom.

  “War,” Britney said.

  “And when was the last time your people were in a war?” asked Dad.

  To which Sonny replied, “Nearly sixteen-hundred years ago.”

  I sighed. “Any other time they need to mass-communicate.”

  She nodded. “Weather. Planet Six occasionally has massive dust storms. If the power goes out, which is next to near impossible, the inhabitants go without food. If a dust storm is predicted that has the potential to wipe out the power grid, the city is notified to amass enough paste to last a week.”

  “And where does this warning generate from then?” I asked.

  Britney looked to Cher. Cher looked to Sonny. Sonny looked to Milo. Milo looked to Britney. In other words, where was Tag when you needed him.

  “Your watch, Sonny,” I said. “Is it like Milo’s?”

  Sonny smiled. “Strangely, no watch is quite like Milo’s. I believe there was a malfunction during his assemblage.”

  I grinned. That explained a lot. “Still, is it relatively like Milo’s? Because we can’t communicate with Tag right now. Too dangerous.”

  Sonny shrugged. “More or less the same,” he said, holding up his wrist. “Materialize,” he then said.

  Sonny’s watch pulsed with light before shooting out a Hologram that looked like Jennifer Lawrence, only with bigger boobs. “You picked out the design, right?” I said.

  Sonny’s face reddened. “To be fair, my wife allowed it.”

  Cher smirked. “To be fair, I chose the home model. The home model is a male. The home model, therefore, has significantly smaller breasts.”

  “And hates me,” said Sonny.

  Cher shrugged. “Must also be a malfunction.” She winked my way.

  I smiled and turned to the hologram. “Please determine where weather alerts generate from. Please bring up that system on the wall. Please do not connect to the buildings operating system while doing so.”

  Milo nodded. “Smart,” he said. “Don’t potentially alert the government to our doings.” He stopped nodding. “What, exactly, are your doings?”

  I held my index finger up to my lips. “Wait,” I told him. “Let’s see if Britney can do this first.”

  “Do what, though?” she asked.

  I looked her way. “You need to break into the weather alert system. You need to break in and we need to take control of it. Only the city’s population needs to be contacted. Is that all possible?”

  She grinned, her hands already at the ready. “What do you think, dude?”

  I knew what I thought. I thought: you’re so fucked, weather alert system. And then I again turned to the hologram, who appeared frozen, boobs at a standstill as she apparently searched for a solution to my query.

  Two minutes later, the wall lit up like a Fourth of July parade. The hologram smiled mechanically and mechanically replied, “The weather alert system is now active, sir.” She pointed at the wall, her hand glowing, see-through. “Is this what you desired, sir?” She sounded oddly sexy, all of a sudden. I had a strong feeling that Sonny’s programming was involved. I had a strong feeling because Sonny was smiling and Cher was not.

  “Off,” said Cher, then turned my way as the hologram promptly twinkled and vanished. “I like Tag a lot better.”

  I nodded. “Makes two of us.” I turned to Britney. “Go for it.”

  Her hands began to move, up, down, left, right, in circles. “Give me an hour. I need to get in and not let them know I’m in. That takes a little more time.”

  I looked at Milo as he looked at me. My smile matched his.

  “See you in an hour,” I said to the group. “We need to, uh, work on the plan.”

  Yep, brotherly eyes rolled. “Give me a break.”

  Milo looked at me with a shrug. “Still sounds painful.”

  I grabbed Milo’s hand and rushed us out of there. Linguistics was so not to be on the menu.

  § § § §

  We were in the apartment next door a minute later. We were naked in even less time that.

  “Before you fuck me, Randy,” he said, “I think we should talk.”

  I sighed. My boner did the same. “Can’t we talk after I fuck you. Or during? Or perhaps both?”

  He shook his head. He pulled me in and down, a bed appearing beneath us before we hit the floor. No, I didn’t exactly love Planet Six, but the technology was easy enough to get used to. And yes, I did exactly love Milo, so the bed was doubly appreciated.

  He rolled on top of me and pressed his lips down on mine. The world around us instantly faded and vanished. God might have belched four universes into existence, but in that kiss, we had created a fifth. Sorry about it, God.

  “I love you, Randy,” he said, once said kiss was broken.

  “I love you, too, Milo,” I replied. “And?”

  “And if this plan of yours works, you’ll be trapped here. Your whole family will be trapped here.”

  “I know; we discussed that already.”

  He nodded. He sighed. He kissed me. There was that fifth universe again. “Yes, but, if you’re trapped here, and if the portal is forever closed, my government isn’t going to stop until we’re all dead.”

  My eyes went wide. This we had not discussed. This, in fact, hadn’t crossed my mind. “Oh,” I managed to squeak out.

  “Yeah, oh,” he replied.

  I had to stop for a moment. I had to think about what he said. Trapped was one thing. Not seeing our world was one thing, too. But being on the run until we all died was a far greater thing. Plus, this didn’t involve just me and Milo; there were eight of us in this mess, eight lives irrevocably tied together. Ten, if you included Tag and Justin Timberlake. We’d all be on the run. All of us. Forever. Forever eating, blech, paste.

  I blinked. I looked into his limpid pools of blue. I smiled. I knew the answer. I had it, in fact, as soon as he said he loved me and I said I loved him. “Fate brought us together, Milo,” I said, “but I’ll be damned if some paste-pushing government will ever tear us apart. Besides, I’m the savior. Maybe th
at means I’m here to save all of us.”

  He smiled and ground his ass into my crotch. “You already saved me, just by being here.”

  “Same here,” I replied, maneuvering my body, his body, my cock, his hole. It all took ten seconds, by the way. FYI, that was ten seconds too long for me. “Talk over now?”

  He shrugged as my cock slid inside, said shrug joined by a rapturous moan. “Talk over,” he groaned.

  “Thank God,” I said.

  And I did.

  And I did again, just in case he didn’t hear me the first time.

  § § § §

  An hour later, we were all back together again. I was equal parts relaxed and tense. Still, better than being a hundred percent tense, right? I mean, if the end of the word was nigh—and I was seriously hoping for no on the whole nigh thing—then at least I would go with something of a smile on my face.

  “Well?” I asked, staring at Britney, her hands at last at rest.

  She shrugged. “T’weren’t nothin’.”

  I grinned. “When did you have time to learn slangy American Western?”

  She pointed at Craig. “He taught me cowboys and Indians.”

  I cringed. I prayed she wasn’t speaking sexually. Judging from my parent’s expressions, I wasn’t the only one praying at the time—and God was busy enough with our long list of prayers as it was. “In any case, you’re in?”

  She nodded and pointed at the wall. “We have access to the weather alert system. The government does not know that we have access to the weather alert system.” She grinned and bowed my way. “Giddy up, little doggie.”

  I smiled and gazed up at the wall. “Wall,” I said. “Keyboard, please.” Thankfully, the wall knew what I was asking for. Sadly, the keyboard was in Cureal. “In English, please.” The wall glimmered for a moment. The keyboard turned to English. I typed on the wall. When I was done, I amassed the seven of them, bald ladies in the front, bald men in the back, red in the first row, black in the second. I pointed at the wall, at what I had written. “Cher, once I turn on the system, please read that.”

  They were all already reading. Thankfully, they were also all smiling after they finished.

  “Diversion,” said Milo.

  “And a huge one,” said Britney.

  “Just what was called for,” I said proudly.

  Craig held up his hand. “Please don’t say brilliant anyone; his head is already a few sizes too big, as of late.”

  “Still,” I said, pointing at the wall. “You know…”

  Craig sighed. “Fine, fine. Can we just please get this ball rolling. Invasion imminent, remember?”

  I nodded. I ran to the second row, joining my fellow monks as we all stared at the wall. “Go for it, Brit.”

  “Weather alert system,” she said, “activate and televise.”

  The wall again morphed. We were now staring at it as the group of us were staring back at, um, us. That is to say, we were being, as Britney had said, televised, seeing what the population of City Northeast Nineteen was seeing.

  At last, I was a star!

  Sadly, I looked like Howie Mandel at the time. In other words: bald, bald, bald. It was a startling image, to be sure. Judging by all our expressions, no one was happy with their new hairdos—or lack thereof. Still, we persevered. Or at least Cher did.

  Suddenly, she was smiling, very friendly-nun-like. “Fellow Cureans,” she said, reading the script on the wall, translating my words to, of course, Cureal. In English, she was saying: “For far too long, only we nuns have been offered the privilege of food, while the rest of the planet eats paste. As a sign of solidarity, our holy order has decided to share our supply with you, with the blessing of the government. Please amass at the downtown building that was recently half blown-up. Fruits and vegetables for everyone!”

  Britney waved her hand. The wall again turned white. She looked at me and said, “But there’s only enough food for a few dozen people at most.”

  I smiled and nodded knowingly. “Exactly, Brit. Exactly.”

  § § § §

  We left the apartment fast, before the people of the city could act on our broadcast. Fortunately, we only had to run across the street to our floating metal box, which we promptly opened and then emptied, dumping the fruits and vegetables onto the ground. It should be noted that the city was spotless. In other words, dumping the food onto the ground wasn’t as gross as it sounded. Plus, beggars couldn’t be choosers.

  And the beggars started showing up mere moments later.

  And by beggars, I mean hordes of them. Planet Six might’ve been dying, and the city might’ve been mostly empty, but when you promised everyone free food that wasn’t paste, they came running, like I said, in hordes. Droves, even. Throngs might be better. Hundreds of them came pouring in from all sides, easily half the city. And though the pile of food was large, no, it’d never feed all of them. Or most of them. Or even the first batch of them.

  In other words, hordes, droves, and throngs quickly became rioting droves, rampaging droves, and raging throngs.

  “Where’s the rest of it?!” they all shouted. Or at least I think that’s what they were shouting, give or take.

  We, the nuns and the monks, pointed at the building in front of us. “The government has the rest!” shouted Milo in Cureal.

  The mobs paused and stared at the building. Suffice it to say, it was a very brief pause. In other words, seconds later, we, at last, had our needed diversion.

  The building parted. The guards rushed out to see what the commotion was. They weren’t prepared for the entirety of the city to be there. Which is to say, they weren’t prepared for the influx, the flood of them, all of them shouting at full voice, hungry, it seemed, for anything other than paste.

  The noise was very nearly deafening, like a tsunami rushing over you. I covered my ears. My eyes, of course, stayed glued to the unfolding scene. People kept swarming into the building, the guards falling by the wayside. After all, how do you fight a tsunami? Plus, the building was no longer armored, thanks to us, so fighting in general was now a no-go.

  Still, it wasn’t the ingoing flood I was concerned about; it was the outgoing.

  The eight of us stood there, Cureans shouting on all sides, our food supply already long eaten, the mob now rabid for it.

  “Come on,” I said, clenching my fists as I stared at the entrance, watching, waiting. “Come on. Come on.”

  Milo was standing by my side. “Come on,” he said. “Come on.”

  We were crushed together, all of us facing the entrance to the building, all of us doing that watching/waiting game—and less than patiently, I might add.

  And then, at last, “Justin Timberlake!” I shouted, frantically waving my arms. “Justin Timberlake! Justin Timberlake! Justin Timberlake!” I felt like a groupie as I shouted his name over and over and over again.

  At last, he locked eyes with me as he tried his darnedest to push through the crowd. And yes, he looked hot doing it. In fact, he looked hot for a full ten minutes, at least, which is how long it took him before he, at last, reached us, hotly huffing and puffing until he was shouting in my ear, “Is this the diversion you promised?!”

  I nodded. “Yes! You like?!”

  He nodded. “As diversions go, this one is rather spectacular!”

  I stared into his stunning peepers before my own eyes moved to his wrist, to the watch wrapped around it. “Tag!” I shouted.

  The watch lit up. “Here, Randy!” He shimmered into being, instantly standing by J.T.’s side. “The portal is still shielded, but the invading army is temporarily occupied with…” He pointed to the still swarming masses. “That will buy us some time!”

  I thought to hug him. I desperately wanted to hug him, but, well, you know. Instead, I smiled and said, “I know, Tag! And glad to see you!”

  He smiled in return. “You don’t have to shout, Randy. I don’t have ears; I have advanced technology auditory sensors. I can hear, as you might say, a cr
icket in a dust storm.”

  I laughed. “I would never say that, but got it.” I tilted my head to the building. “But back to the portal. How do we destroy it?” I pointed at the mob. “Without harming any innocent bystanders.”

  He nodded. “Like I said, the portal has its own internal protective system. Britney can’t break into it, nor can we destroy it with our weapons.”

  “Please tell me that’s all followed with a but,” I pled.

  He smiled. It was impossible not to find his smile wondrous. “But,” he said, “the protective system is controlled by someone, presumably the commander of this building. He must be able to activate and deactivate said system. If we can find this man, convince him to destroy the portal, then your world will at last be safe.”

  “Except, how do we do that?” I asked.

  Tag’s smile would’ve given the Mona Lisa pause. “I already saw this man while I was inside with Justin Timberlake.”

  My stomach suddenly lurched. “Please tell me that’s followed with an and,” I said.

  He nodded. “And…” An image flickered to the side of his face. “This is the man.”

  My nod mirrored his. The crowd was even more dense now, the shouting intense. Our group was pressed in tight, forming a protective ring around Tag. “I did the but, the and, now how about the so? So?”

  “Yeah, so?” echoed Craig, who was standing by my side, holding Britney’s hand. He looked nervous. We all did. Our fates, after all, were tied to a holographic program, albeit one who was stunningly handsome.

  He lifted his index finger. He pointed at the sky. “Watch, my friends,” he said, which was kind of ironic, given that he was indeed a watch.

  All our faces aimed toward the heavens, the moons already visible, even in the light of day. In an instant, the face that had been pulsing by Tag’s side was now projected above all our heads, everyone’s, large as a movie screen.

  I gulped. I didn’t know what Tag had up his sleeve—and, given that he didn’t even have a sleeve, I should’ve perhaps been weary—and yet, I still eagerly awaited something dastardly and/or genius. I was hoping for the and.