The Complete Talking Heads

by Alan Bennett

  Non-stop down at the yard since they started killing off the cows, so when he comes in this dinner-time he wants to eat straight off. Swills his boots under the outside tap and he’s coming in like that. I said, ‘Stuart. You know the rules. Take them off.’ He said, ‘There’s no time.’ So I said, ‘Well, if there’s not time you’ll have it on the step.’ Sits there eating and feeding Tina. She licks his boots. Literally. I suppose it’s with him coming straight from the slaughterhouse.

  Seems to have lost another anorak, this one fur-lined.

  FADE.

  She comes up this afternoon, his mother, all dolled up. Says, ‘You’ve got this place nice. How do you manage with our Stuart?’ I said, ‘I’ve got him trained.’ She said ‘He’s not trained when he comes down our house.’ ‘Well,’ I said, ‘perhaps he doesn’t get the encouragement.’ She said, ‘I don’t like it when they’re too tidy. It’s not natural.’

  Not natural at their house. They’ve no culture at all. First time I went down there they were having their dinner and there was a pan stuck on the table. When it comes to evolution they’re scarcely above pigsty level. And she must be sixty, still dyes her hair, fag in her mouth, big ear-rings. She said, ‘You don’t mind if I smoke? Or do you want me to sit on the step?’

  I gave her a saucer only it didn’t do much good, ash all over the shop. She does it on purpose. It had gone five, she said, ‘Where is he?’ I said, ‘Where he generally is at this time of day: slitting some defenceless creature’s throat. They’re on overtime.’

  She went before it got dark. Said she was nervous what with this feller on the loose. Made a fuss of Tina. Remembered her when she was a puppy running round their house. I remember it an’ all. Doing its business all up and down, the place stank. It was me that trained Stuart. Me that trained the dog.

  Except for the din. Can’t train that. Leaves off, of course when he appears. He doesn’t believe she does it. I said to him, ‘Is it safe for me to go on to the library?’ He said, ‘Why?’ I said, ‘There’s a lass dead in Wakefield now.’ He said, ‘You don’t cross any waste ground. Take Tina.’

  Anyway I didn’t go and when he’s changed out of his muck and swilled everything off he put on his navy shirt, little chain round his neck and the tan slacks we bought him in Marbella. I brought him a beer in a glass while I had a sherry. Him sat on one side of the fire, me on the other, watching TV with the sound down. I said, ‘This is a nice civilised evening.’

  Except of course madam gets wind of the fact that we’re having a nice time and starts whimpering and whatnot and jumping up outside the window and carries on and carries on until he has to take her out. Gone two hours so I was in bed when he got back.

  Comes upstairs without his trousers on. I said, ‘What’ve you done with your slacks?’ He said, ‘The dog jumped up and got mud on. Anyway it’s quite handy isn’t it?’ I said, ‘Why?’ He said, ‘Why do you think? Move up.’

  Lots of shouting and whatnot. I thought in the middle of it, it’s a blessing we’re detached. ‘Sorry about that,’ he said when he’d done. ‘I get carried away.’

  Loudspeaker van came round this afternoon saying the police were going to be coming round. House to house. I was just getting some stuff ready to take to the dry cleaners while it was light still.

  Couldn’t find his slacks.

  FADE.

  She said, ‘Have you any suspicions of anyone in your family?’ I said, ‘What family? There’s only me and him.’ He said, ‘We can’t talk with this dog carrying on. Can’t we come inside?’ I said, ‘You’ve told people not to open their doors.’ She said, ‘But we’re the police.’ I said, ‘Well, take your shoes off.’

  She’s in uniform, he’s got a raincoat on. She said, ‘We’ve had complaints about the dog. It’s in your print-out.’ I said, ‘Oh it’s the dog, is it? I thought it was the killer you were after.’ She said, ‘Your hubby says it never barks.’ I said, ‘When did you talk to him?’ She said, ‘At his place of employment. These are the dates of the murders. Look at them and tell me whether you can remember where your husband was on any of these dates.’ I said, ‘He was at home. He’s always at home.’ She said, ‘Our information is he’ll sometimes go out.’ I said, ‘Yes. With the dog. Do you know dogs? They occasionally want to have a jimmy riddle.’ She said, ‘What about this fly-tipping? His van’s been seen.’ I said, ‘The van’s not my province. Though I’ve shared the back seat with a beast head before now.’

  Meanwhile the one in the raincoat’s been sitting there saying nothing, looking round, sizing the place up. Suddenly he stands up. ‘Can I use the toilet?’ I said, ‘Now? Well, you’ll have to wait while I put a paper down.’

  I took him upstairs and waited outside. He says, ‘I can’t do it with you listening.’ So I came downstairs again. And she says, ‘He’s got a funny bladder.’

  ‘One last question. Have you noticed anything out of the ordinary about your husband stroke boy friend stroke father stroke son … well, that’s husband in your case … over the last six months?’ ‘Like what?’ ‘Blood on his clothes?’ I said, ‘There’s always blood. He’s a slaughterman. Only you won’t find any in here. And you won’t find any outside. He swills it off.’ I said, ‘Your friend’s taking his time.’ She said, ‘Men have problems with their water. I’ve an idea he has an appliance.’

  When eventually he comes down he says, ‘You keep the place tidy.’ I said, ‘I used to be a teacher.’ He said, ‘What did you teach?’ I said, ‘Children.‘He said, ‘Do you have any?’ I said, ‘Does it look like it?’

  As they’re going Mother Catchpole opposite is stood in the road and shouts across, ‘I’ve got something to tell you.’ So the girl goes over and has a word. Comes back. ‘Nothing,’ she says. ‘Just the flaming dog.’ ‘Nobody listens to me,’ she’s shouting, ‘I’ve had a depression with that dog.’

  I shut the door. When I went upstairs to wipe round the toilet I saw he’d moved one or two ornaments. Nothing else that I could see.

  When his lordship came in I said, ‘You never told me they’d been to your work.’ He said, ‘It was routine. I’ve tipped on one of the sites where they found one of them.’ I said, ‘Did you find that ticket?’ He said, ‘What ticket?’ ‘For the dry cleaners. The tan slacks.’ He said, ‘Oh yes. They’re at work.’ I said, ‘You’re not wearing them for work. They’re good slacks are them.’ He said, ‘They’re shit-coloured. What do I want with shit-coloured trousers?’

  He was in the yard swilling his boots when he was saying all this. Outside. He’s started being much more careful about all that. I don’t know what’s got into him.

  FADE.

  Lad opposite just delivering four pizzas to No. 17. She’s a widow, living on her own with a son in New Zealand and a heart condition, what’s she wanting with four pizzas? I bet she’s never had a pizza in her life. They must think I’m stupid. The doctor said, ‘Why can’t you sleep?’ I said, ‘The police are bugging my home.’ She said, ‘Yes. There’s a lot of it about.’ Asian too. They’re normally a bit more civil.

  We went out in the van the other night and he stopped it somewhere and said, ‘Do you think it’s me?’ I said, ‘No.’ He said, ‘Well, my mam does. It was her that went to the police.’ ‘And what did they say?’ ‘Told her she wasn’t the only one. Mothers queuing up apparently.’ I said, ‘Well, she might cut a bit more ice if she didn’t wear that leopard-skin coat thing. Legacy from when she was at it herself.’ ‘At what?’ ‘Soliciting.’ He said, ‘Who told you that?’ I said, ‘You did. You said she was hard up.’ He said, ‘It was years ago. I was still at school.’

  Went out with Tina later on and comes in all worked up again. Sets to. Thought he was going to go through the bed. And saying stuff out loud again. I thought of them across the road, listening, so I put my hand over his mouth at one point, which he seemed to like.

  I waited to see if there was anything in the papers only there wasn’t. Been nothing for about a week now. You can get thi
ngs out of proportion, I think.

  I found where they’d put their listening thing this morning. Little hole in the skirting board. Did it when he was reckoning to go to the lavatory. Must have been quick because he’d managed to colour it white so it didn’t show only some fluff got stuck to the paint so that’s how I spotted it.

  Sound of a newspaper coming through the door. She picks it up.

  They’ve found another one, it looks like. This time on a skip. Been there …about a week.

  FADE.

  One of them leaps over the wall, quite unnecessarily in my opinion because the gate’s wide open. They get it off the TV. Five police cars. Batter on the door and when he opens it bowl him over and put handcuffs on him and take him off with a jacket over his head.

  Tina, of course is going mad and they’ve got a dog of their own which doesn’t help. I said, ‘You’re not fetching that thing in here.’ He said, ‘We’ve got a warrant.’ I said, ‘His dog’s not been in here so I don’t see why your dog should.’ He said, ‘This is an instrument of law enforcement.’ I said, ‘Yes, and it’s an instrument of urinating against lampposts and leaving parcels on pavements. I don’t want it sniffing round my stuff.’ He says, ‘You’ve got no choice, love,’and shoves me out of the way.

  One of them’s upstairs going through the airing cupboard. I said, ‘What are you looking for? Maybe I can help?’ He said, ‘If you must know we’re looking for the murder weapon.’ I said, ‘Oh, I can show you that. This is the murder weapon (Points to her tongue). This is always the murder weapon. You want to drag the canal for that.’

  He said, ‘You sound sicker than he does. I don’t think you realise the seriousness of your situation. If we find you know what’s been going on you’ll be in the dock yourself.’ I said, ‘Don’t put those sheets back. I shall have them all to wash now you’ve been handling them.’ He said, ‘We shall want all his clothes and other selected items,’ and produces a roll of bin bags. ‘Is everything here? He hasn’t got anything at the dry cleaners?’ I said, ‘No.’ I said, ‘How do I know we’ll get all this stuff back?’ He said, ‘That’s the least of your worries.’

  When eventually they go the handler reckons to take charge of Tina, except that he can’t get her to go in the car with them. Then when they do force her in they all pile out sharpish because she’s straightaway done her business in the car. I laughed.

  It was suddenly quiet when they’d gone, just Mother Catchpole at her gate shouting. ‘The doctor says I’m clinically depressed. That dog wants putting down.’

  The police said not to touch anything but I wasn’t having the place left upset like that so I set to and cleaned down and repaired the ravages a bit. One or two folks outside the house looking in and the phone rings now and again but I don’t answer.

  Dark by the time I’d finished but I didn’t turn the lights on, just sat there. They must have charged him around six because suddenly there’s cars drawing up and the phone’s going like mad and reporters banging on the door and shouting through the letter-box and whatnot.

  I just sit there in the dark and don’t take on.

  FADE.

  Another parcel of excrement through the letter-box this morning. Postmarked Selby. Pleasant place. We had a little run there once in the van. Saw the cathedral, abbey, whatever it is. Shop with booklets and teatowels the way they do. Had a cup of coffee at a café down a street. The postman whanged it through that hard it split on the doormat.

  It’s probably deliberate. I’d got some plastic down from the previous times but still I’d to set to again. Spend a fortune on Dettol.

  The trial’s in Manchester for some reason. Out of the area. They can’t call me unless I choose. Which I don’t. Woman spat at me in Sainsbury’s so I shop at the Asian shops now. Everywhere else they stare. Have to go thirty miles to get a perm. Go by minicab. Asians again. Never liked them much before. Don’t ask questions. Godsend.

  Reporter comes ringing the doorbell this afternoon. I think they must take it in turns. Shouts through the letter-box. I said, ‘You want to be careful with that letter-box. You don’t know what’s been through it.’ Says I’m sitting on a gold mine. Talks about £10,000. My side of the story.

  Final speeches today. It rests on the dog, apparently, the rest is circumstantial. The van seen where the murders were, stopped once even but nothing else. Nothing on his tools. Nothing on his clothes. Only they found some blood belonging to the last one on the dog. The defence says it could have rolled in the blood because with the dog being fastened up all day when they went off he let it roam all over. So it doesn’t mean he was with her, or anywhere near as the dog was off the lead.

  The judge likes dogs. Has a dog of his own apparently. I don’t know that’ll make any difference.

  I saw him before the trial started. Looked thinner. I was disappointed not to see him wearing a tie. I thought a tie would have made a good impression only they use them to commit suicide apparently.

  I wish I’d something to do. I’ve cleaned down twice already. The yard wants doing only I can’t do it with folks and reporters hanging about.

  Pause.

  He’s lying, of course. Our Tina hasn’t been seen to, so when he takes her out he never lets her off the lead. Ever.

  FADE.

  ‘Marjory! Marjory!’

  They still shout over the gate now and again, one of them there this morning. Most of them have gone only they leave a couple of young ones here just in case I go shopping. Jury’s been out two days now and they think it might be a week.

  Anyway I thought while the heat was off I might be able to sneak out into the yard and give the kennel a good going over. The forensics took away her blanket so that’s a blessing. I said to the feller, ‘Don’t bother to fetch it back. I’d have wuthered it long since if he’d let me.’

  I peeped out of the gate to see if it’s safe to swill and there’s just a couple of the young reporters sat on Mrs C’s doorstep having a cup of tea. I don’t know what she’s going to do when it’s all over. She’s had the time of her life.

  Anyway I chucked a bucket of water under the kennel and then another only it didn’t seem to be coming out the other side. I thought it was muck that had built up or something so I went in and got a wire coat hanger and started scraping about underneath and there’s something there.

  It was his tan slacks, all mucky and plastered up with something. I sneaked in and got a bin bag and fetched them inside.

  Thinking back the police had been round with the dog but I suppose it couldn’t smell anything except Tina. I sit there staring at this bag wondering whether there’s anybody I should ring up. Suddenly there’s a banging at the door and a voice through the letter-box.

  ‘Marjory! Marjory!’

  I didn’t listen I ran with the bag and put it in the cupboard under the stairs. More clattering at the door.

  ‘Marjory! Marjory! They’ve come back, the jury. He’s been acquitted. He’s got off. Can we have a picture?’

  FADE.

  The young woman says, ‘Did I want any assistance with costume or styling? There’ll be a lot of photographers.’ I said, ‘What’s the matter with what I’ve got on?’ She said, ‘I could arrange for someone to come round and give you a shampoo and set.’ I said, ‘Yes, I could arrange for someone to come round and give you a kick up the arse.’

  Though come to think of it I couldn’t actually. She said, ‘The paper’s got a lot of money invested in you’ I said, ‘Well, that’s your funeral.’

  Picture of him and the dog on the front page this morning, dog licking his face, ears up, paws on his shoulder, loving every minute of it. Spent the night in a hotel, five star, paid for by the newspaper. Article ‘These nightmare months.’ I stood by him, apparently. Says the longed-for reunion with his wife Marjory is scheduled for sometime this afternoon.

  Police furious. The inspector in charge of the investigation said, ‘Put it this way. We are not looking for anybody else.’

&nbs
p; Sat waiting all afternoon. Photographers standing on the wall opposite, and on chairs and kitchen stools, two of them on top of a car. One up a tree. Police keeping the crowds back.

  Getting dark when a big car draws up. Pandemonium.

  Policeman bangs on the door, and Stuart’s stood there on the doorstep and all the cameras going and them shouting, ‘Stuart, Marjory. Over here. Over here please.’ They want pictures of us with the dog, only the fellow from the newspaper says, No. They’re going to be exclusive, apparently.

  I said, ‘Well, I’ve washed her kennel.’ He says, ‘She’s not staying in there.’ I said, ‘You’re not fetching her inside.’ He said, ‘I bloody am.’ I said, ‘Well, she’ll have to stay on her paper.’

  Later on when we’re going to bed I wanted to shut her downstairs in the kitchen but he wouldn’t have that either, keeps kissing her and whatnot and says she has to come upstairs.

  When we’re in bed he starts on straightaway and keeps asking Tina if she’s taking it all in.

  Afterwards he said, ‘Are you surprised I’m not guilty?’ I said, ‘I’m surprised you got off.’ He said, ‘Don’t you think I’m not guilty?’ I said, ‘I don’t know, do I?’ He said, ‘You bloody do. You’d better bloody know. You’re as bad as my mam.’ I said, ‘I’ m not your mam.’ He said, ‘No, you’re bloody not’ and laughs.

  I must have fallen asleep because when I wake up he’s sleeping and the dog’s off its paper, sat on his side of the bed watching him.