Sailing at Sunset

by Cindi Madsen

  So it would smell like her the next time he put it on.

  Footsteps alerted him to the fact that he was about to have company. He smoothed his features into an emotionless mask, doing his best to prepare himself for the news that Danae had decided to give her ex another shot. After all, Mark’s goals were sure to be more in sync with hers. The guy could give her the conventional type of life Josh had no desire for.

  Even though their course was already set, Josh gripped the wheel for something to do.

  “Sorry,” Danae said, rounding the corner of the cabin wearing her pink cardigan and holding a box that matched. “I got held up.”

  “Oh yeah?” He was proud of how evenly his voice came out, as if he were neither interested nor disinterested. Completely neutral, that was him.

  “Yeah.” The light from the full moon lit up the pale strands of hair around her face, casting her in a soft angelic glow.

  Ironic that someone so sweet was about to crush his ego with so little effort.

  “I’m not sure whether to…? Or if I should just…?” She sighed and set the pink box on the seat she’d been occupying earlier, before the breeze made her go in search of a sweater. She’d also exchanged her contacts in favor of her glasses. Since he didn’t want to see his own reflection as she let him down easy, he craned his neck to see the bow of the ship, as if he needed to affirm they wouldn’t run into anything in a whole lot of endless ocean.

  Earlier they’d sorted through pictures from the trip, Vanessa collecting several of them for their social media. One by one, people had split off to head to their respective beds, until it had been just him and Danae above deck, alone at last.

  Now he was tempted to call for everyone to come up and delay the inevitable. At least for another hour or two.

  Then again, if she wasn’t sure whether going on a date with Mark was a good or bad idea, Josh hadn’t gotten through to her as much as he’d hoped.

  Urgency surged as a voice in the back of his brain shouted for him to do something. Disappointment came on its heels, because there was nothing for it. Not with so much stacked against them as it was. This was exactly why he never should’ve crossed the line in the first place. He’d known it would end badly.

  “Is something wrong?” Concern swam through Danae’s eyes as she placed her hand on his forearm and studied his face. “Are you feeling okay?”

  He tried to hold onto his irritation so he could use it as a shield, but it faded with her so close, her palm warming his bare skin.

  Instead of playing dumb—a condition he feared might fit all too well right now—he figured he might as well come clean. “I went to check on you and heard the tail end of a conversation between you and Mark.”

  “Oh.”

  “Yeah. Oh.”

  “I, uh, didn’t know he was interested in rekindling things. I’m as surprised as anyone.”

  Josh tilted his head. “Really? I’m not. He’s been trying to get close to you this entire trip.”

  “Not very successfully. As you’ll recall, I’ve spent most evenings with you.” Her gaze locked onto his. “Josh, I’ve had so much fun with you this past week as we’ve been getting acquainted and hanging out.”

  Hanging out. Right.

  “But you have a lot in common with Mark, including a history,” Josh filled in for her, “and you want to give the relationship another shot.”

  “Not at all where I was going with that.” Her hand slipped off his arm and fell to her side. “Wait. Are you saying you wouldn’t care?”

  “You’re free to date him or whoever else you want.”

  The hurt on her face made him want to take it all back. “I thought you and I were going to see where this thing between us went.”

  He shrugged one shoulder. “When it comes down to it, you and I want different things. We were both just fooling ourselves anyway.”

  “I don’t understand what’s happening. I said I’d consider taking it a day at a time with you, even though that’s not what I normally do. I’m not asking for some huge commitment, but I also don’t want to sit around hoping you’ll call, only to end up staring at the phone all night.”

  “That’s not what I want, either.”

  “Then what do you want? You asked me to compromise, but it feels like you’re unwilling to compromise anything in return.” Danae brought her lower lip between her teeth and when she spoke, her voice quivered. “I was afraid to bring up the map shop because I said the wrong thing and accidentally offended you, and as I said in the candy shop, I never meant to do that.”

  Her chest rose with a giant inhale. “But you said something that day, something I can’t get out of my head…”

  Danae’s words caught in her throat, the barbed edges skewering everything she’d been so sure about less than an hour ago.

  It was the type of question she had to ask, regardless of whether or not she truly wanted the answer. She’d held back earlier on their hike, and that had obviously been a mistake because they weren’t even close to being on the same page. She wasn’t someone who could simply cross her fingers and hope for the best. If Josh never wanted to get married or have kids—if he truly planned on living alone on a boat forever—was there even room for her in his life?

  Agony dug its claws into her heart, the hurt radiating deeper than it should, given that she’d only met the guy a week ago. “That day, you said you don’t plan on settling down ever again. Has that changed? Say that you and I date, and things go amazingly well. Would you, under any circumstances, consider getting married again? What about having kids?”

  The silence stretched until it snapped and whipped her in the face. Had she accidentally fallen for a guy who was incapable of committing?

  “I don’t see it happening, no. When I think of my future, the one thing I’m sure of is that it’ll include living on my boat and taking chartered trips. I’m not going back to working day in and day out to barely scrape by.”

  “Not for anyone? Even if that person promised that the burden wouldn’t rest all on your shoulders? That there’d be hard days, but there’d be far more happy days filled with—” Love. But she couldn’t say that. Not when he was already accusing her of going too fast and wanting too much, and where had that thought even come from?

  If they weren’t in the middle of the ocean, she imagined Josh would’ve fled by now.

  “This is what I’m talking about,” he said. “You’re so far in the future, and we haven’t even settled the here and now. Or what will happen after we land.”

  A fissure formed in her heart, and the lump in her throat grew bigger and bigger. “I guess you were right about fooling ourselves. I suppose it’s better that we found out now, before either of us wasted our time.”

  With that, she strode away, each step she put between them widening that crack in her heart.

  At the doorway to the cabin, she paused and angled her face to the sky. Countless stars glittered away in the inky black. Her breaths came faster and faster, the stars blurring and streaking as tears filled her eyes.

  Then, there it was. Polaris. The North Star.

  Dad.

  The dam holding her emotions at bay broke, rushing forward and spilling sorrow and regret and a bittersweet longing through her. For years, she’d ignored several things that Dad had taught her, thinking she knew better. That she wouldn’t repeat his same mistakes.

  During this trip, she’d realized she’d been much too harsh. No one got out of life for free. People made mistakes—she’d made plenty.

  Daddy, I don’t know what to do. Am I wrong to want a secure future with a man who’s capable of settling down? Who’s willing to give his all to making us work, the way I’d do for him?

  Maybe it was the angle or the moon or her imagination—or perhaps heaven had heard her pleas and her father knew she needed a sign. Because the unwa
vering, unrelenting star glowed brighter, a strong flash that affirmed she deserved to be with someone who wanted her back.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  After hours spent tossing and turning, Josh finally abandoned the idea of sleep. He rubbed his gritty eyes and got dressed. Instead of bothering to comb his wild hair, he pulled on his hat and shrugged into his military jacket.

  The sun hadn’t even risen; it was the time referred to as nautical twilight. The horizon and brighter stars were visible, making it easier to navigate at sea. With so many instruments to guide the way nowadays, nautical twilight wasn’t as vital as in the days before modern technology, but there was something captivating about it.

  Dark blue gave way to rich purple and bright oranges as the sun neared the horizon, and out of habit, Josh sought the North Star.

  Then he thought about Danae, and about how her father taught her to always search for Polaris. How he’d told her that if she set her sights on the wrong star, she’d go in the wrong direction.

  Josh had used Polaris to get his bearings many times, so why did it feel like he might be going the wrong way?

  Since last night, irritation had been his constant companion. Given that he was in no condition to be around people, he was extra glad for his current solitary state.

  This is why I live alone on my boat.

  No complications, no having to deal with the expectations of others, which inevitably led to disappointment on both ends. He hadn’t been dissatisfied with his life before this trip, so he shouldn’t have cause to be anything but content with it now.

  It’d be good to get back home to the marina, where he belonged. With people who understood that living on a boat was a plentiful, perfectly acceptable life.

  She didn’t even try. She considered it for a few hours before rushing into her ex-boyfriend’s arms.

  Fine, that was an exaggeration. But she’d no doubt be there in the near future. Which was why, for once, Josh was in favor of rushing. He’d speed the rest of the way to Newport, say goodbye to the Barton Boats crew, and put this entire misadventure behind him. No more “what ifs” or attempting relationships. Instead, he’d enjoy his itinerary-free existence and pour his affection into his true soulmate: his ship.

  Door hinges creaked, and then Danae stepped onto the deck. She fixed her gaze on the horizon and swiveled around, and he realized she was searching for the North Star, the same way he had.

  His heart clenched so tightly that it hurt every time it attempted to beat. Nautical twilight gave way to civil twilight, and as the sun emerged, a flash caught his eye.

  He looked down to figure out what had caused it, and his gut sank.

  Right. The gold star sticker on his jacket. He started to peel it off, but the memory of Danae gifting it to him left his fingernail frozen in place. He should’ve stuck it on his T-shirt, but he’d had to go and put it on his jacket.

  Which had been on Danae.

  Now I won’t lose it, he’d said.

  Then he’d taught her to park the boat, and he didn’t want to replay their good memories, so why had his brain gone there? Did it hate him? As he took in Danae’s profile, his entire body protested at the idea of not going over to her, so apparently the rest of his traitorous organs were Team Danae as well.

  We don’t want the same things. She’s never gonna bend. Get it through your head or body or whatever needs to hear it. Great. Now he was talking to parts of his body. Yep, she’d made him lose his mind, and it might take him a few days to get it back, but he would.

  There wasn’t any other option.

  Even though Danae told herself not to look, her eyes couldn’t seem to help it.

  There was Josh at the helm.

  Their gazes met, and then he quickly turned away, acting super busy with the wheel. Considering there was no need to correct their preset course, the fruitless move indicated that he was still mad, and why did he get to be the mad one? In spite of being fully aware she wasn’t the gambling type, he was upset that she didn’t want to roll the dice on them.

  Extra infuriating, taking into account that he wouldn’t budge at all.

  “Morning,” she heard from behind her, and she spun around to face Mark as he stepped out of the cabin.

  Danae did her best to give him a smile. “Good morning.” While Mark had told her that he’d give her time to think about going on a date with him, the eager curiosity in his expression conveyed his hope that she’d have an answer for him now.

  Luckily, Franco stepped onto the deck, allowing her to dodge a conversation she wasn’t ready for. Not with Josh a handful of yards away, a tornado of emotions rearranging her insides.

  Paige brought up a pot of fresh-brewed coffee, while Vanessa carried the stack of mugs. Franco and Mark began discussing the website, and as they filled their mugs with coffee, everyone gathered around Franco’s computer to see the new mockups.

  They all commented on how much they liked the concept, and when a few minor issues were raised, Franco took them in stride as he jotted notes. A bit of fine-tuning and the website would be good to go.

  “Not to be cheesy,” Vanessa said, spreading her arms wide and encompassing as many of them as she could. “But I’m so lucky to work with such talented, amazing people. Let’s hold on to this trip forever.”

  “Even when someone forgets to make coffee after taking the last cup?” Franco asked with a laugh, and everyone joined in. Well, Danae couldn’t quite manage laughter, but she smiled. The entire point of this trip had been to truly become a team, and they’d done that and then some.

  “Josh, you want coffee?” Vanessa asked, her attention drifting over Danae’s shoulder.

  Danae’s internal organs stretched taut, unable to properly function with Josh’s name hanging in the air.

  “Sure. I didn’t sleep very well, so I could use the jolt.” Hearing the deep voice that had whispered in her ear only yesterday ached as badly as looking at him had. No saving herself now, so she dared the briefest glance.

  “Lucky for you,” Paige said, grabbing one of the mugs and holding it up so Vanessa could pour, “I made it, so it’s extra strong.”

  Danae could feel every inch of space between her and Josh, and she detested each one. He reached past her to grab the offered cup, and her already-struggling spirit crashed to the wooden floor.

  She couldn’t tell if she was the only one suffocating from the despondence, but she never could handle tense silence. “So, uh, how long before we dock?”

  The guy who turned to her wasn’t the same Josh she’d spent time with this past week. He wasn’t even as civil as the cute-but-vexing sailor she’d met the first day, and that guy had been about as cuddly as a cactus. While she’d waved it off that day, the lack of his warm, joking personality jabbed at her. She wanted to make it better even though she knew she couldn’t, and that frustrated her, too.

  “It’ll take as long as it takes,” he said.

  Vanessa blinked at Josh and then regarded Danae, hinting that she wanted an explanation of the shift in mood between them. One Danae didn’t have, and she tried to convey that with the tiniest shake of her head.

  Vanessa picked up her phone and opened her notes app. “Well, since it sounds like we have a few minutes to kill, why don’t we finish hammering out some of the details for your boat-christening ceremony? I’ve got a contact who can get us supplies at a discount.”

  Josh lowered the steaming mug from his lips. “You know, I appreciate you guys getting excited about it, but it’s just a foolish tradition. I’ll take my chances.”

  “Foolish traditions make the world more fun. Plus, I have this whole plan to livestream it. We can mention Barton Boats and get potential clients thinking of their own christening ceremony. We’ll also add that you’re available for chartered trips, so it’ll be mutually beneficial.” Again, Vanessa looked at Danae, as if she co
uld help convince Josh to go for it, the same way she had before.

  Little did Vanessa know that everything had changed. It was all messy and ruined, and Danae clung to that moment last night when Polaris flashed extra bright, because she was one wrong word away from tears.

  She spoke past the tightness clogging her throat. “Honestly, I don’t have time to plan a boat christening anyway. I’ll be too focused on putting the new campaign together. All of us will be extra busy with that during the next couple of weeks.”

  “Sure,” Vanessa said, not getting the hint, “but we can take a Saturday to support our captain and his ship.”

  Josh took a large gulp of coffee and cast Danae the tiniest glance. “It’s too late anyway. It’s been renovated for months, and I don’t want to deal with scrubbing off the old name and putting on the new one.”

  “You haven’t done that yet?” The question burst out of Danae before she could stop it. Then she shook her head. “Never mind. It’s none of my business.”

  “Anyway, it’s about time to pack up. It shouldn’t be too much longer before we dock, and I’m sure everyone’s ready to get home.” Josh thanked Paige and Vanessa for the coffee and returned to the helm.

  Danae meant to head toward the cabin, but her heavy limbs weren’t cooperating, so she plopped onto the bench seat and stared at a twisted gnarl in the wood grain.

  Paige sighed as she sat beside her. “Well, that’s a bummer. I’ve never been to a boat christening before, and I was looking forward to it.”

  “Me, too,” Franco said. “I even told Justin about it, and he was excited to meet Josh and chat with the rest of you about our trip.”

  They continued to talk about trip highlights and what they were anticipating doing once they got home. Meanwhile, Danae tried to avoid thinking about the fact that she probably wouldn’t see Josh ever again after they disembarked. While she told herself it was for the best, it didn’t quite ring true. Not to her gut, which was tied in knots, or her aching heart.