Undertow (Dragonfly)

by Moore, Leigh Talbert

  “Then where’s this coming from?”

  “Me. It’s coming from me. I’m tired of being here at this house every night by myself.”

  He exhaled deeply and closed the book, pushing back from the table. “I told you it was going to be like this at first. I said we should wait to get married, but you said that was a mistake. You swore you could handle it.”

  “Well, maybe I was wrong,” I said, sticking out my chin. “Or maybe I’ve changed my mind.”

  His eyes flashed. “Well, maybe it’s too late for that. I’m not changing my plans, Meg. And I’m not doing anything differently. If I wait three more years, the opportunities could change.”

  “Change is not bad.”

  “It’s not good,” he said standing up. “I’m taking a shower. This discussion is over.”

  “It’s not over if I’m not finished talking!” I shouted.

  “I said it’s over.” He started walking past me.

  “Don’t walk out on me!” I clutched his arm hard as I could, feeling my nails sink in. He jerked his arm away, throwing me off balance and causing me to trip into the coffee table.

  “Ow!” I yelled, but he didn’t stop.

  He stormed into the bathroom and slammed the door, and I slid to the floor and cried. That had not gone the way I’d wanted, and now it looked like I was going to have a giant bruise on my shin. So unattractive.

  A painful knot twisted in my throat as I went into our bedroom and climbed between the sheets. Billy didn’t join me, and I lay there staring at the ceiling for hours. I tried to read a book, but I wasn’t interested in it. Finally, I decided to go out to the couch where I figured he was sleeping and say I’d been wrong, but when I opened the door he wasn’t there.

  I walked over to the table and all his books were gone. It was 3 o’clock in the morning! Where could he be?

  I saw his note. Studying at the library. Home tomorrow.

  After that I was just mad.

  June 21, 19--

  Sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to writing. I read over my last entry and realized I should probably give the follow-up. The short version is Billy came home the next night ready to make amends, and I caved. He’s just so damn sexy.

  I had gone to bed pouting. We hadn’t talked the whole day, and I wasn’t even sure what his plans were. Then I awoke to his warm body sliding into the bed behind mine. My eyes weren’t even open before his lips were pressed against my neck, tracing their way up behind my ear and waking every tingling good-feeling under my skin.

  That was followed by his hands circling my waist, pulling me tight against him and then sliding under my tank to my breasts. A few caresses, a few nibbles to my neck, and I was quickly turning into him, caught up in a tangle of forgiveness and love-making.

  I guess that makes me easy, but I did say I could handle this a year ago when we talked. I should never have said that. But what else could I do? He was suggesting we wait to get married!

  At least Billy’s first year of college is finally coming to a close. We’re coming up on our first anniversary. So much has happened. It seems like we were just moving into our new home and having little Will, and now here he is, almost six months old.

  Two important things happened after my last entry involving those troublemakers Travis and Winnie Hayes. First, I’d already planned a dinner party with them that just so happened to fall right after my big fight with Billy. It was a complete disaster.

  During the course of dinner, I could tell Winnie had been repeating everything I’d said about my marital problems to Travis. Then Mr. Intern decided to interrogate my husband. It got a little heated to say the least.

  Travis asked Billy a lot of nosey questions about how much he was gone, and I guess he didn’t expect Billy to put him in his place. Billy’s young, but he’s no pushover. And Travis was out of line asking questions about our baby and demanding to know how good of a daddy Billy thought he could be working so much.

  The good news is Lexy joined us for our second dinner party attempt. I know, you’re probably wondering why I would have those two over again, but trust me, Journal. I don’t have as many options when it comes to company these days. Sad, but true. It’s also why I was so excited to have Lexy home for summer break, and I couldn’t wait to impress Winnie with my beautiful artist friend.

  When Lexy arrived she looked gorgeous in a black wrap-dress and her long hair hanging loose. She’d brought a bottle of wine, and I gave her the biggest hug. I’d missed her so.

  “Lexy! You’re so grown-up and sophisticated,” I said.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” she said, her dark eyes twinkling. “You’re the one having a dinner party. I thought only old married couples did that.”

  My nose wrinkled. “Travis and Winnie are a bit older, so you know.”

  We went into the kitchen and her voice dropped. “Who are these guys?”

  “Travis is an intern with Daddy at the hospital, and Winnie’s in the DAR with me and Mom.”

  I put the wine on the counter, and she leaned against the bar. “So we’re putting on a show for them?”

  “Not a show!” I lied. “Just a dinner party. So tell me about school. What happened with Dr. Love? Are you two still together?”

  Lexy had started an affair with one of her art school professors right before Christmas, and it was simply scandalous—and fantastic! I loved sharing this delicious secret with her and giving her advice.

  Professor Nick Parker taught her painting (and other things) in Savannah, and he was the first male I’d ever known Lexy to be serious about. She was always much too focused on her career for boys.

  We’d chatted a few months ago about some weekend trip he’d asked her to take with him, and she was planning to sleep with him. You’d never believe it to look at her, but it was going to be Lexy’s first time to have sex. Nuts to think someone as sensual and beautiful as Lexy had never done it before, but there you go. I guessed I couldn’t blame her. I had snatched up our best option in high school.

  Anyway, I’d assumed they were a definite thing after that, but something felt off when I brought him up. As we walked inside I found out why. It seemed Professor Parker had left for a summer trip to Paris and thought they should try a separation period.

  I don’t understand men and all the separation periods. Seems to me if you’re in love with someone, the last thing you want to do is spend any time away from them.

  Just then Billy arrived, handsome as always and unusually happy to see Lexy.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” he said, kissing her cheek.

  I did a double-take. Was it possible those two had declared a truce?

  “A little bird told me these guests aren’t always on their best behavior,” she said smiling back at him.

  “Okay, what are ya’ll up to?” I asked very suspicious. “I’ve never seen you on such good terms.”

  “What?” Lexy tried to act like she had no idea what I meant. “Bill and I have always gotten along. And he’s your husband now. I said I’d never argue with him again after you were married, remember?”

  I was still frowning. “Yes, but this is too much of a good thing. What’s going on?”

  “Well, if you must know, Bill asked me to get on the guest list for tonight.”

  “And you let me think it was my idea!” I said to Billy.

  “I just thought if Lexy were here, it would take some of the pressure off me.” He smiled, putting his hand on my waist and pulling me to him. “Add another layer to the conversation. That’s all.”

  He kissed my neck, and I laughed at him. “I’ve never known you to mind pressure.”

  “Well, I’d hate it if I had to punch that Travis guy in the face. And if he starts cross-examining me about my time and my plans again, I can’t guarantee I won’t.”

  “I’ll do my best to keep the subject on art,” Lexy told him, crossing her arms. “You try not to go all cave man on us.”

  The
second dinner party went far better than our first attempt. Lexy did add a nice layer to the conversation, although Winnie seemed a bit suspicious of her presence. After we’d eaten, she approached me in the kitchen.

  “So she’s a friend of yours?” Winnie said.

  “My oldest and dearest,” I smiled, scooping out the trifle. “I’ve known Lexy since we were in kindergarten.”

  Her eyebrow arched. “And how well does she know Bill?”

  “We met him about the same time,” I said. “Ninth grade.”

  “She’s very beautiful.”

  “I’ve always thought so.” I smiled, admiring my best friend from afar.

  “And you don’t mind her being so close with Bill?”

  My attention snapped back to the person at my arm. “What! Now you really are out in left field, Winifred Hayes. There is nothing going on between Lexy and Billy, I can assure you.”

  “How would you know?” she said, an evil tone in her soft voice. “He’s gone all the time. She doesn’t live here.”

  “That’s right, she lives in Savannah. Where she’s in art school.”

  “During the summer?”

  I put the serving spoon down a little too hard and picked up two bowls. “I’m sorry, but I can’t let this conversation go any further. You are just so wrong.”

  “Don’t be an ostrich, Meg. Keep your eyes open.”

  “I am not an ostrich.” I was aggravated now. “I’m also not completely paranoid.”

  Of all things. For years my two favorite people in the world had done nothing but fight, and now they were becoming friends. I was beyond happy.

  And I decided I’d had enough of Winifred Hayes and her rude husband. I wouldn’t invite them over again.

  Aug. 1, 19--

  The last month of summer went by too quickly with Lexy here. We spent almost every day together, and all she talked about was painting Will’s portrait. We went down to the beach and set him up with toys on a blanket while she made sketches of him from different angles. I could tell her skills had sharpened in the last year, and she seemed more confident than ever about her art.

  “So tell me about school,” I said. “Are you enjoying being away and on your own?”

  She smiled, sliding a long lock of dark hair behind her shoulder. “Yes. It’s exactly how I’d hoped it would be. New people and experiences.”

  “Experiences with new people like Nick Parker?” I grinned.

  “Especially with new people like Nick Parker.” We giggled. “He’s my first real boyfriend you know,” she said, cheeks pink.

  “I know,” I sighed, leaning back on my arms. The ocean breeze kept the heat bearable, and I was in my bikini top and a skirt. “I was thinking how odd it was you never dated anyone in high school.”

  She twisted her long hair up and stabbed a pencil in it. “I never met anybody I wanted to date in high school.”

  “The whole time? Lexy, there were plenty of cute boys at our school.”

  She shrugged, adjusting the spaghetti strap on her white sundress. I’d always admired how her smooth skin turned the color of coffee-milk after only a few days in the sun.

  “They were all just interested in sports or hunting or sex,” she said. “I wanted to be outside and painting and free more than I wanted to worry about some boyfriend holding me down.”

  “You’re worrying about one now,” I said, studying her face.

  She looked down. “Is it obvious?”

  “You haven’t said much about him since you’ve been back. Last semester you couldn’t talk about anything else.” I watched her fidgeting and tried to lighten the mood. “I wondered if you were there to study art or love.”

  Her eyes flickered to mine and she did a little smile. “Some people think the two are inseparable.”

  “So what’s going on? Why the separation?”

  She exhaled, shoulders dropping. “All I know is he wanted to go to Paris to study with some master painter for the summer.”

  “A male or female master painter?”

  “Oh, Meg. I didn’t even get that far in my worries.” Her eyes became misty.

  “I’m sorry!” I quickly crossed the space between us and held her hands. “I was just trying to tease you. It was a terrible joke. Have you heard from him at all?”

  “No, but I’m trying to believe it’s because he’s very busy and international calling is complicated and expensive.” She touched the corner of her eyes. “And he doesn’t have my address here. I could get back to school and find a mountain of postcards.”

  “Of course you could!” I said. “I’m sure of it. So, you guys got pretty close, I guess.”

  “Very close.” She glanced over at little Will, now sleeping on the palette we’d made for him. “All the way close.”

  “You did it! I can’t believe you slept with him and didn’t tell me!” I was so excited. And surprised. Lexy was always very traditional about things like that. I blamed the nuns.

  “I tried calling but I never could reach you,” she said.

  “So you liked it?”

  “Well, no. Not at first.” Her eyes met mine, and we shared an understanding smile. “But after a while things improved and then by the end I liked it a lot.”

  “That sounds about right.” I leaned forward and hugged her. “It was that way with me.”

  She squeezed my arms before we both leaned back again. “Only, now I kind of wish I hadn’t gotten quite so close. I think I wouldn’t be missing him so much if I’d been a little more restrained.”

  “Now don’t go second-guessing yourself,” I fussed. “You’ll go crazy with that kind of thinking.”

  “I’m going crazy as it is.” I watched her rub her forehead hard. “Some nights I miss him so badly… I never understood wanting something like that before.”

  I sighed. “Yeah, it’s a funny thing. Before it happens, you never know you have those feelings in you. Then after it happens, it’s like your body thinks you’re supposed to be getting it regularly or something.”

  “Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m missing him or if I just got used to that constant attention and affection. And you know… having that need met.” She blushed dark red.

  My brow creased. “But you do care about him, don’t you?”

  “Yes,” she nodded. “I mean, I think so. He’s very handsome, but he’s also smart and intelligent. He’s the first guy I’ve ever talked to that I didn’t have to explain everything I meant to all the time. He just got it right away.”

  “Well, you’re both artists! You like the same things.”

  “I know, and maybe that’s what it is.” She studied her palm. “It’s made a big difference in my wanting to be around him. I really love being in a relationship with someone I can talk to.”

  “Well, Billy was a great high school boyfriend, and I don’t think we ever had that much to talk about.” I shook my hair back, giggling. “But I didn’t care. All I had to do was look at him to be completely happy.”

  She pulled her long leg up and rested her chin on her bent knee. “How’s he doing as a college husband?”

  I shrugged. “Okay, I guess.”

  “You guess?”

  “That came out wrong.” I blinked. “He’s great! I just see how we’re changing as time passes, and things I didn’t think were so important before matter to me now.”

  “Like what?” Her dark eyes studied my face.

  “Like time. He’s gone so much, and I miss him. I can’t look at him when he’s never home.”

  “Have you talked to him about it?”

  “Yeah, but we just end up fighting.” I dropped my hands to my lap hard. “And he’s right. We had this conversation before we got married, and I said I could handle it.”

  “Well, people do change. That’s life. You can’t help if what you wanted then is different from what you want now.”

  “I think it’s having Will,” I sighed. “Everything changes once you become a mama. I look at stuff differ
ently from how I used to now.”

  Lexy’s brow creased, and she paused a beat before asking. “Are you sorry you married Bill?”

  “What? No!” I cried. “I can’t imagine being married to anyone else. He’s everything to me. That’s part of the reason it’s so hard.” I looked down, suddenly feeling sad.

  “You know, another year, and he’ll almost be done. Can you throw yourself into motherhood and see if that helps the time pass? He can’t work like this forever.”

  “Oh, Lexy, I wish you didn’t have to go!” My breath caught in my throat, and I was afraid I might cry. “I need you to stay and help me keep things in perspective.”

  She laughed and hugged me. “But I’ve got to follow my own little plan.”

  “All you people and your plans,” I pouted. “I’m sick of them.”

  “Then make a plan of your own!” she laughed. “What do you want to be doing in the next five years?”

  “Having more babies. Building my home on Hammond Island.”

  She laughed more. “Then you’d better stop complaining about how hard your husband’s working!”

  She was right. I did want the things that Billy’s ambition was going to get for us. I had to find some other way to occupy my time. I had to come up with a plan of my own.

  Sept. 5, 19--

  Daddy died on a Tuesday.

  I imagined him going to work that morning thinking it would be a day just like any other. What medical problems would he face today? Then for whatever reason, his heart stopped. He was sitting behind his desk, and out of nowhere, his heart stopped and his life was over. The nurses said they did everything they knew to do. Travis said they took him immediately to the cardiac unit and tried to revive him, but he was gone.

  Gone.

  I could never again go to his house and sit on the porch while he smoked his pipe and read the paper. I could never again take little Will to Pawpaw to climb on his legs and make him smile. He would never again pat my head and call me his golden girl. Not ever again.

  And all I could do was cry.

  But the tears didn’t make any difference.

  Nothing made any difference.