by Nikita Singh
‘Who is…’ Ma looked from Siddhant to Maahi, and asked, ‘Is this your friend?’
Maahi sniffed and tried to compose herself. Her voice cracked as she smiled and said, ‘Yes, Ma, Papa, this is Siddhant. Siddhant, my parents.’
Siddhant looked baffled for a moment, then said, nodding, ‘Namaste Uncle, Aunty.’
‘Namaste beta. You’re Siddhant! Maahi talks about you,’ Ma said.
‘Really?’
‘Yes. You’re the one who studies at AIIMS, right?’
‘Yeah.’ Siddhant shrugged and added, ‘Well, I don’t study there anymore. I finished my MBBS, now I’m practising.’
‘We weren’t updated,’ Papa said, laughing. ‘Congrats, beta.’
‘Your parents must be so proud,’ Ma said.
Siddhant looked at Maahi, who stared back at him. They were both hurting; it was evident in their eyes. They somehow found themselves in this social situation, pretending to be friends, talking about his career and his parents’ approval—both of which were sensitive topics for him. He nodded. ‘I need to get going,’ he said evenly to her parents. ‘It was nice to meet you.’
‘Oh, why don’t you have dinner with us? I am making kadhi,’ Ma said.
‘That sounds delicious, Aunty, but I really should go,’ Siddhant said.
‘Okay. But you have to stay for dinner next time.’
‘Next time,’ Siddhant said meekly. He attempted a smile and walked towards the door. Maahi knew there would be no next time, and it killed her. It was only when she saw what she was losing that she realized how much she loved him, how much he meant to her. She couldn’t stand to watch his back disappear once again.
‘Siddhant, stop.’ Maahi walked to him and held his forearm. He looked at her in confusion. She turned to Papa. ‘Siddhant isn’t just a friend. I’m in love with him.’
The stillness in the air was palpable.
Maahi breathed out. ‘I love him,’ she said. ‘I didn’t intend for it to happen like this, but I’ve been meaning to introduce him to you for some time now.’
Papa looked from Maahi to Siddhant, his face inscrutable. Ma put her glass down on the dining table and stared at them too, her mouth agape. Maahi waited. Neither of her parents said anything.
‘Why are you doing this? What’s the point?’ Siddhant asked, his eyes narrow, brow knit in confusion. He looked at her parents and then back at Maahi, before turning around and leaving.
Maahi’s hand stayed still in the air, where his arm had been. She didn’t turn to watch him walk away. She wasn’t sure she was capable of handling it. After he left, she walked over to the dining table and pulled a chair, placing it opposite Papa. She knew what was coming. She didn’t have the energy to face it, but she knew she had no other option. So she sat down and waited for it.
Ma spoke first. ‘What was that all about?’ She hesitated and asked, ‘Are you saying that he’s your boyfriend?’
Maahi smiled sadly at the way Ma said boyfriend, as if it was a dirty word. She couldn’t say yes. She just sat there, blinking away her tears.
‘Since when has this been going on?’ Papa asked.
Maahi stared fixedly at her lap and said, ‘Over a year. Feels much longer.’
‘When did this start? Where?’ Ma asked.
‘When I was working at Cozy Coffee.’
‘So this is what you’ve been doing all along? Behind our back?’
‘Ma—’
‘We trusted you. We let you work at that place because you insisted. You know we never approved of you working at a coffee shop,’ Papa said, his voice growing louder. ‘Is this why you wanted to continue working there even after you joined college?’
‘Did you want to drop out of college because of him?’ Ma asked, gasping.
‘No,’ Maahi said mildly. ‘I wanted to work at the coffee shop because I was learning how to bake, with Laila, and I really, really wanted to continue doing that. I wanted to drop out of college the second time because I didn’t want to study business economics. There was no point wasting time and money—’
‘I was willing to pay for it! All you had to do was stay in college and get your education!’ Papa thundered. He got up and took a step towards Maahi.
Ma went to him and stood between them. She turned to Maahi and asked, ‘We trusted you, when you’ve been doing this all along … Who else knows? What if someone from the colony—’
‘So what? What if someone from the colony found out? I don’t want to keep it a secret. It shouldn’t be a secret. I should be able to talk to my own parents about the man I’m in love with and want to marry!’ Maahi cried. She got up too.
‘MAAHI!’ both her parents yelled together.
‘WHAT? What is wrong with loving someone? He’s a really good person. If you would just give him a chance, you’d like him. He’s loving and caring and understanding. He’s smart and funny and he makes me happy!’ She struggled for breath as she said, ‘Why is it so bad? Give me one reason why—’
‘Don’t talk to your father like that!’ Ma screamed.
‘Fine! I’m sorry. I’m sorry I even tried.’
‘What is that supposed—’ Papa started, but Maahi cut him off.
‘It means I’m sorry I thought, for one second, that you would be open-minded enough to consider this. I thought maybe, for one second, you could stop thinking about the neighbours and the distant relatives who anyway don’t give a shit about us. But you care more about them than your own daughter. And you have no idea how sad I feel saying this, but it’s true. It’s always been true.’ Maahi had backed up against the wall and was huffing angrily, her whole body shaking.
Sarthak walked in through the living room door, unplugging his earphones. He paused and looked around, sensing the atmosphere immediately. ‘What’s … ?’
‘Maahi has a boyfriend!’ Ma said. ‘Did you know about—?’
‘Yes, I have a boyfriend and I love him, and I tried to be an adult and tell my parents about him. I was stupid enough to expect them to be adults too.’
‘Maahi!’ Ma cried.
‘Fine, I’ll shut up. No one’s listening to me anyway. In a couple of years, you’ll be okay with marrying me to some random man I’ve never met before. Our ideals might not match, we might want different things in life, we probably won’t even get along, but we would find all of that out after we’re already married. And because I’m supposed to be a good girl, I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make it work, pretending to be happy. Because that’s more important than me actually being happy. No one gives a shit about that.’ Maahi snickered. She muttered dejectedly, ‘Everything is great as long as the neighbours and the extended family think our life is perfect. As long as it looks like we’re happy.’
No one said a word. Papa had been quiet for a while. Ma looked frazzled, but out of words. Sarthak took a step towards Maahi, but she walked right past him to her bedroom. She got her bag and walked out of the house.
Sarthak followed her as she ran down the stairs. ‘Maahi, wait! Where are you going?’
‘I don’t know!’
‘Hold on! You need to relax!’
‘Don’t fucking tell me what to do!’ Maahi jerked her arm off his grip. ‘Just because you don’t have the strength to fight for what you want doesn’t mean I have to be the same way. This house is fucking insane. Living here is torture and I can’t stay quiet any longer.’
‘What does that mean? What did I ever do to you?’
Sarthak looked so shocked and so obviously hurt that it tore at Maahi’s chest. That didn’t stop her though. She said, ‘You didn’t do anything to me, but look at what you’re doing to yourself! You’re not fighting for the girl you’re so obviously in love with. Do you know how rare that is? How difficult it is to find someone you feel that way about?’
‘Maahi, I didn’t get into—’
‘So what? Does that mean you have to sever all ties? You can’t even try long distance? You could transfer to her college
next year, or maybe she could transfer to yours—I don’t know! You can at least try to figure it out!’
‘I don’t … We don’t…’
But Maahi had already walked away. She half ran, half stumbled to the Metro station and got on the train. She was glad that Vaishali was the last station and all trains went in the same direction from there. She didn’t have it in her to make that decision at the moment.
Maahi found herself in a dark room. She pulled the main shutter in the front all the way down and stood in the darkness, facing the empty space. Turning on the flash on her cell phone, she searched for the light switch. She found it all the way at the back, and flicked it on. She thought how it was the ideal location for the switch to be. It would be on the back wall, the one behind the counter.
Of course, there was no counter. There might never be one. She imagined it anyway. Customers would walk in from the front door—there was little space, two steps in there would be the wide display of their cookies and cupcakes. Lights overhead would shine on them and make them look even more delicious.
The way she envisioned it, there would be a lot of small mirrors around, wall decals in the shape of cookies and cupcakes. Their theme colours were turquoise and a subtle metallic gold. The walls would be painted turquoise, contrasted by the gold carpet, mirrors on the wall, overhead hanging lamps and a few tall stools in the corner. Their boxes would be in the same colour combination, just like the menu, flyers, coupons, business cards, website and everything else. It would be very tastefully done—subtle but not boring. All of it would have a very bohemian chic feel to it.
The piece Maahi was most excited about was a large mirror she had found at an antique store in Chandni Chowk. It was large and square, with a dust-gold metal frame in intricate design. She fell in love with the frame as soon as she laid eyes on it. She could picture it on the wall behind the counter. She wondered if Laila would love it as much as she did.
Maahi was in charge of the interior décor. To cut cost, they hadn’t wanted to hire a decorator, and Maahi had wanted to do this from the start. She had looked at hundreds of stores online, found thousands of ideas on the Internet. She had gone around Delhi to find pieces that would be just the right amount of classy and subdued.
She walked into the back of the shop, where they would install their kitchen. It smelled sterile, and looked bland, empty of all appliances and equipment. The kitchen area was exactly the same size as the customer section—not very big at all. Just big enough.
Maahi could see herself there. She imagined where everything would go—the fridge, the oven, the appliances and equipment. She organized the drawers in her head. Even the thought of buying measuring cups and spoons excited her.
And it might never happen.
Laila had given up on her, disappointed. She was possibly the person who had shown most faith in her, and now she had given up too. Maahi didn’t blame her. She simply accepted the fact that she wasn’t good enough. She didn’t have what it took to start something and see it through. She was a quitter. She dropped out of Christ, she quit Fourth Eye Apps, she almost dropped out of DU, she quit Cozy Coffee and now she was letting Cookies + Cupcakes, her dream, go.
And for what? She didn’t resent quitting her two jobs—those were just placeholders—they brought her closer to her dream and she was only too glad to let them go. But she dropped out of Christ and messed up Cookies + Cupcakes over a guy. The same guy.
The more she thought about it, the more furious she got. Not at Kishan, at herself. She was the one letting it happen, over and over again. For once, she needed to stick to something and see it through.
Laila, her closest friend, was disappointed in her and contemplating shutting down Cookies + Cupcakes. She had fought with her parents. She had the best brother a girl could ask for and she had treated him cruelly. She hurt and drove away the man who loved her and cared about her. He might never forgive her or talk to her again.
All because she let the one guy who’d ruined her life once do it again. She quit even trying to understand how he still held that kind of power over her. How he could just waltz right back into her life and turn everything upside down. It terrified her.
Maahi felt like she had no command over her own life anymore. It was spiralling out of control, hurting everyone who cared for her in its wake.
She pulled out her phone. There was no missed call or text message. Because no one gave a fuck anymore. She called Kishan.
‘Hey!’
‘Kishan,’ Maahi said quietly.
‘Yeah, What’s up?’
‘I was thinking about you.’
‘Aww, I was just thinking about you too!’ Kishan said, chuckling. It infuriated her—how carefree he could be, how easy everything was for him, how he never had to work for anything in his life—got everything he wanted, including her.
‘I don’t want to see you ever again,’ Maahi said through gritted teeth.
‘What? Are you serious?’
‘Yes, I am.’
‘What the fuck, Maahi! Where is this even coming from?’ Kishan asked, annoyance evident in his tone.
‘The same place it should’ve come from the first time you tried to get back in touch with me. You’re a fucking asshole, and you know it. You don’t accept me for who I am, don’t want to let me be comfortable in my own skin and I don’t know if you know this—but you don’t give a fuck about me. If you did, you wouldn’t have hurt me in the first place. But you did. Do you realize the condition I was in after you left me? Do you have any idea what it took from me? How long it took me to recover?’
‘I already said sorry about that. I don’t know what else—’
‘You said sorry, and that undid what happened, magically made it disappear?’
‘No. But we can put it behind us and move on. It’s in the past. We’re both adults here.’ Kishan sighed and added, ‘At least I thought we are.’
‘Shut the fuck up, Kishan! Just stop. Stop trying to make me seem childish when your brain isn’t developed enough to even begin to understand the gravity of the situation. No, you can’t just walk back into my life. We can’t just pretend that all these years in between haven’t passed, and pick up where we left off. Because that’s not how it works.’ Maahi breathed hard, her chest heaving. She was hot and cold at the same time, her forehead sweating, and gooseflesh rising on her arms.
Kishan was yelling on the phone. ‘Where the fuck do you get off saying shit like that—’
Maahi was done. She hung up, disoriented, looking for support. She slid against the kitchen wall and slipped down to the floor. Folding her legs in front of her, she rested her aching head on her knees. There was no light in the kitchen and she was grateful for that. She closed her eyes and felt tears wet her cheek. This one time, she let them flow. There was no one around to see them. She didn’t need to pretend.
21
Maahi heard a clatter on the front door and jumped up in alarm. Her head swam and she leaned against the wall for a second for support. Unable to see in the darkness of the unfurnished kitchen, she grappled with the doorknob, eventually pushing it open. She closed her eyes against the bright lights in the outer room. When she opened them again, she found herself standing in front of Sarthak and Laila—their faces pale and hair windblown.
‘What the fuck is the matter with you?’ Laila yelled and ran to her. She pulled Maahi into her arms and squeezed her tight. ‘What are you doing here? Why are you such an asshole? Do you have any idea how worried we were?’
Maahi broke down in Laila’s arms.
‘Don’t you fucking cry! I can’t be mad at you if you cry.’
Maahi cried harder. Laila rocked her back and forth in her arms. ‘I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,’ Maahi said, her voice muffled against Laila’s neck. ‘I fucked everything up. It was going good and then I fucked it up like I fuck everything up.’
‘Shh. Stop it,’ Laila said, pulling back.
‘I know you don’t want to work with
me anymore because I’m irresponsible and stupid and childish.’
‘You can be difficult to work with. A little—’
‘But I really want this, Laila. I really, really want this. More than anything else in the world. I don’t even have anything else. I fucked everything up, pissed off everyone I know and now I’m all alone and I don’t care. All I want is this. I’ve been sitting here, looking at this space and all it can be … so much. We’re so close. All that we have envisioned is so close to coming alive. How can we let it go? I can’t. I can’t, Laila.’ Maahi shuffled on her feet. She threw her arms around restlessly, pointing to the walls. ‘Did I show you the pictures of the pattern I’ve selected for the walls? You’ll love it. It’s so beautiful. This is the perfect little place. We can really make it something amazing.’
‘I know,’ Laila said, looking around too. She added, ‘And I don’t want to give up either.’
‘Are you serious?’
‘Yes. We haven’t come this far for nothing. But, you have to really take it seriously this time. This is no joke.’
Maahi shook her head fervently. ‘Yes. It’s no joke and I’ll take it seriously. I’ll do everything that needs to be done and more. I’ll look at the list of appliances tonight and I’ll go with you tomorrow to order whatever needs to be ordered.’
‘Relax. There’s no rush. I’m sorry I blew up on you. I’ve been frustrated recently, and it’s not your fault. I shouldn’t have talked to you that way. I didn’t realize you would take it that seriously,’ Laila said sincerely. Her lips were dry and her face looked small, half covered with her curls falling over her cheeks. Under the overhead light, she almost looked younger than Maahi.
‘But you were serious.’
‘Yeah. For a second there, I seriously wondered if we could pull this off.’
Maahi nodded. ‘It’s my fault. I should’ve helped you out more in the field. You’ve been doing everything, running around … I feel so bad. Why didn’t you tell me?’