Love, in Theory
Page 1
LOVE, IN THEORY
LOVE, IN THEORY
TEN STORIES BY E. J. LEVY
Published by the University of Georgia Press
Athens, Georgia 30602
www.ugapress.org
© 2012 by E. J. Levy
All rights reserved
Designed by Kaelin Chappell Broaddus
Set in 11/15 Arno Pro
Manufactured by Sheridan Books
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Printed in the United States of America
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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Levy, E. J. (Ellen J.)
Love, in theory : ten stories / by E.J. Levy. —1st ed.
p. cm. —(The Flannery O’Connor Award for Short Fiction)
ISBN-13: 978-0-8203-4349-5 (alk. paper)
ISBN-10: 0-8203-4349-8 (alk. paper)
1. Lesbians—Fiction. I. Title.
PS3612.E93685168 2012
813′.6—dc23 2012006675
British Library Cataloging-in-Publication Data available
“Theory of the Leisure Class” was first published in the Paris Review (166, 2003).
ISBN for this digital edition: 978-0-8203-4473-7
For my beloved
An ounce of practice is better than tons of theory.
—Sadhana Tatwa, H.H. SRI SWAMI SIVANANDA
La théorie, c’est bon, mais ça n’empêche pas d’exister.
(Theory is good, but it doesn’t prevent things from existing.)
—CHARCOT
CONTENTS
Acknowledgments
The Best Way Not to Freeze
Theory of Enlightenment
My Life in Theory
Rat Choice
Small Bright Thing
Theory of Transportation
The Three Christs of Moose Lake, Minnesota
Gravity
Theory of the Leisure Class
Theory of Dramatic Action
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
GRATEFUL ACKNOWLEDGMENT IS MADE TO THE FOLLOWing publications, where these stories first appeared: “Theory of the Leisure Class” in the Paris Review; “The Best Way Not to Freeze” in the Gettysburg Review; “Theory of Enlightenment” (as “Supernatural Powers”) in Mid-American Review; “My Life in Theory” in Bloom; “Rat Choice” in the Missouri Review; “Small Bright Thing” in the North American Review; “Theory of Transportation” in Evergreen Chronicles; “The Three Christs of Moose Lake, Minnesota” in the Chicago Tribune; “Gravity” in PRISM International; and “Theory of Dramatic Action” in Another Chicago Magazine.
I wish to extend my deep appreciation to Nancy Zafris, series editor and wonderful writer, for selecting my collection for this award and for guiding me through the process of publishing my first book; I am grateful to the terrific staff of the University of Georgia Press, especially Regan Huff, Jane Kobres, Melissa Buchanan, Kaelin Broaddus, and Sydney DuPre, and to freelance copyeditor Courtney Denney.
Finally, I am indebted to the teachers Lee K. Abbott, Nicholas Delbanco, Donald Faulkner, Michelle Herman, Maureen Howard, Michael Martone, Melanie Rae Thon; inspiring friends Maureen Aitken, Jennifer Cognard-Black, Lauren Fox, Stephanie Grant, Wendy Leavens, Gretchen Legler, Glenda Morgan, Sawnie Morris, Mei Ng, Linda Lightsey Rice, C. W. Riley, Lisa Schamess, Cheryl Strayed, Marly Swick, Amy Weil, Suzi Winson, Betsy Wolf, and the wonderful D.C. writers group (Carolyn, Amy, Leslie, Kitty, and Ann); the editors, judges, and agents whose recognition and guidance supported and spurred: Bob and Peg Boyers, Charles Buice, Elyse Cheney, Alan Cheuse, David Lynn, Maria Massie, Speer Morgan, Richard Peabody, George Plimpton, Christina Shideler, Evelyn Somers, Debra Spark, Peter Stitt, Elizabeth Taylor; and especially Howard Levy, who ordered the chaos, and Maureen Stanton, who showed me the way and kept faith.
LOVE, IN THEORY
THE BEST WAY NOT TO FREEZE
THEY MET IN A CAMPING EQUIPMENT STORE, WHERE HE was working as a clerk and she had come to rent a pair of climbing shoes. The store was a block from the university where she taught composition in the Department of English. She was adjunct faculty there, though she referred to her status as abject. She made less than the graduate students, after all: $2,700 for each ten-week class. No health insurance, no benefits. On her salary she could not afford therapy, not even sliding scale; she could not scale it at all, she’d told the receptionist who’d quoted her prices by phone the week before, $80 to $100 an hour—“That’s a scale I’d slide right off,” she said; the receptionist asked if she’d like to make an appointment; “No, thanks,” she said. “Maybe next crisis.”
Instead, she signed up for a women’s rappelling class, part of the low-cost stress-management program they were promoting at the campus health clinic. They offered yoga, they offered meditation, they offered people the chance to throw themselves off cliffs. She opted for this last, though she could not see the sense of sending anxious people to the brink of a bluff to cure them, but it was something she could afford and of all the options on offer only it had the cast of a vacation. According to the promotional flyer, they would travel on three consecutive Saturday mornings by bus to Taylors Falls, an hour north of the Twin Cities, a state park known for its waterfalls and scenic rock formations, hidden caves and high cliffs. The lemon-yellow flyer was optimistic, urging its readers to “confront your fears and practice techniques for self-esteem and stress management through this fun, recreational, noncompetitive sport.”
She was standing in the aisle across from the cash register looking at camping equipment—at the water bottle holders made of colorful nylon and netting, at the shapely stainless steel objects (espresso makers, pots and pans), at all the many things she could not, for the most part, identify or afford but which she picked up and inspected anyway, knowing all along that she was wrong to admire them for their color and shape, ignorant of and indifferent to their uses but liking nonetheless the fleece, the nylon in neon orange and teal and violet. She pondered the nature lover’s ironic predilection for wildly unnatural colors and synthetics, trying all the while to get up the nerve to ask where they kept the shoes (store clerks terrified her; she preferred to shop from catalogs, whose models did not watch her as if she might be pilfering the goods)—when she heard his voice beside her.
“Can I help you find something?”
She looked up into the sort of face that, as a general rule, scared her—huge and German. He possessed an unnatural breadth and height, as if he were another species. She was embarrassed to be caught fingering the goods, as though she’d been found inspecting dildos in a sex shop, though a dildo she could’ve justified perusing as a cultural critic. Here there was no excuse.
“I need to rent some shoes,” she said, “for climbing.”
He was not handsome, but he held her interest the way beauty did, or ugliness, though he was neither. His eyes were pale as a wolf’s, and he had a large square head that seemed carved from balsa. He looked too old for her, she thought, though this was a casual unconsidered thought, the way, as casually, she would undress an attractive stranger walking toward her on the street or unthinkingly catch the scents of things—exhaust, burning rubber, baking bread, coffee. Deep grooves bracketed his mouth. A slight muscular pouch bulged at the curve of his jaw; he had a cleft chin. He looked like he should be advertising stew.
“For rappelling?” His voice was soft, in contrast to his size.
“Yes,” she said. His name tag said Ben. Big Ben, she thought. Gentle Ben. A clock, a bear. He was huge as a wall; she wondered idly what size shirt he
’d wear.
“Size?” he asked.
“Excuse me?”
“Shoe size?”
“Five.”
Delicate, she thought she heard him say, as he turned away.
“Excuse me?” she said again.
He turned to her. “I said, ‘It’ll be a minute.’ That okay?”
While she waited, she perused a bulletin board that hung on the wall beside the wrap desk. There were notices for climbing clubs and hiking clubs and even archery; there were ads for adventure tours in Costa Rica and Belize; there were posters exhorting students to row crew and drive a Subaru. There were hand-written index cards printed with neat inked lettering, offering a kayak, a canoe, a six-person tent, a backpack with internal frame. Wanted and unwanted things.
And then she saw the warning signs. Tacked to the board in neat sheaves were Xeroxed flyers warning campers how to protect themselves from bears, how to treat poison ivy and oak, how not to freeze. Her life was full of information that had no practical application, so she liked that all this did. There were never postings like this in libraries; they did not offer warnings and survival tips to their habitués, though perhaps, she thought, they should. But the flyers reminded her too that venturing out into the world was a risk and that she could get hurt out there.
The flyer on how not to freeze described hypothermia and listed its signs and steps to take. Among the Warning Signs were Racing thoughts and/or mental confusion. Lack of coordination. Mood swings. Unrealistic expectations. Marked indifference to physical circumstances. By such standards, most of the people in her department were in imminent danger of dying of hypothermia. The Danger Signs were more precise: chills, disorientation, drowsiness, loss of appetite. Under the heading How Not to Freeze were four simple steps.
“You said size five, right?” he said.
“That’s right,” she said.
She tore the flyer from the bulletin board, figuring she’d read the four steps later. You never knew what you might need to know, especially in Minnesota in winter, and lately, despite all her education, she felt clueless. She folded the flyer in half and went to pay at the register.
“Don’t I need to try them on?” she asked, as he rang up the shoes.
“One size fits all,” he winked. “Don’t worry. The leather’s soft. They’ll stretch.”
She wondered if he meant anything by the wink, but decided he probably didn’t. She hated to get her hopes up. Pessimists, a Harvard study had found, had a far more realistic view of life.
While he bagged her shoes she rambled irrelevantly, nervously confiding: She told him that she was teaching English at the university, that she didn’t know squat about rocks.
He handed her the bag. “You’ll learn,” he said. “Doing’s the best way to learn.”
“You know what they say,” she said. “Those who can’t do—”
“And those that want to learn need teachers.” He had a nice smile.
She stuffed the colored flyer into the bag with her receipt and shoes.
“Have a safe trip,” he said.
She said, “You, too.” Then hated herself for sounding dumb, all the way out of the store.
In her apartment, she tried on the rented shoes. They were like ballet slippers made for hoboes, a patchwork of red and green and beige suede panels. Tight and unshapely, like foot condoms. She was very particular about shoes. She was very particular. This much she knew about herself. In the mirror, inspecting the shoes, she saw how she must look to others, to all the people who were not her.
She could see that she was pretty, rail thin and frail as china, austere, and slightly awkward; she liked order in her appearance and in her place. She kept her cuticles trimmed, her eyebrows plucked, her Oriental carpets (inherited from her grandmother) vacuumed; ivory lace curtains hung in front of her windows. She could never live with anyone; it was too late for that. Her half brother had a family, a brood; she was the smart one, the one with the PhD (which she insisted meant Perfectly Hopeless Degree), a shoe collection, tea pots and plates in bone-colored glaze; on weekends she refurbished furniture, collected cheap antiques; her one-bedroom apartment was elegant and orderly, color-coordinated in sea foam and bone. She had a four-poster bed she’d bought secondhand and a down comforter she’d gotten on sale; flannel and linen sheets with a ruffle draped over the box spring.
She had made a beautiful life, a comfortable life she shared with no one. Her hair was straight and chestnut brown, blunt cut at her shoulders like a young girl’s, the same hair cut she’d had since fourth grade. She had good bones and no breasts to speak of. She joked that she was the only person she knew who had to go to a tailor to have darts put into her bra. She had the hungry lines fashionable in Kate Moss, the ethereal frame of the heroin addict, the fair translucent skin of the English, which she just might be.
Truth was, she didn’t know whose kin she was, and she thought about it only at such moments as this when she faced herself in a mirror and wondered who it was she might resemble. She looked nothing like her mom or dad or half brother. Of her biological parents, she knew only this: that her mother had been a graduate student and unmarried, Caucasian, Protestant, when she’d given her daughter up for adoption at a hospital in 1968. She had no real interest in knowing more. But sometimes, at conferences, when distinguished lady lecturers took to the podium, their graying hair pulled up in a chignon or cut neat and short, she sometimes wondered, Is that she?
When she went to stuff the shoe bag under the sink, in the bag of bags she kept there beside the recycling, she heard the crunch of paper and remembered the warning signs. She took out the flyer. She considered throwing it out but instead clipped it with a magnet to the fridge, beside a picture of herself holding a snowball in one hand, like a trophy.
She liked the ironic juxtaposition—a flyer on hypothermia tacked to her freezer door. As a scholar, it was her job to see things in relationship to other things; the only thing she couldn’t see in a relationship was herself. In her mind’s eye—as in the photo on the fridge and the birth certificate that bore her name and no one else’s—she was always and forever alone.
On Saturday morning, she got up early to drive to campus and catch the charter bus that would take her with the others to Taylors Falls. The October air looked thin and blue, and she wondered if she was making a terrible mistake. The program was called Wild Women, a title that seemed to underscore just how tame they really were. As she merged onto 94, heading east to campus, she imagined what the others would be like. Because it was sponsored by university health services, they would be students mostly. The undergraduates would be shy, ungainly girls with unhealthy interests in medieval lit and crushes on their bald and aging mentors; they would dress badly, in tight turtlenecks that hugged the shelves of their large breasts and ample waists; they would tack up posters of Virginia Woolf in their apartments and name their cats Tristan and Cassandra; they would subscribe to the New York Review of Books and use the word vexed when they meant pissed off. These girls would have long hair and fragile glasses. They would be named Eden and Astoria by parents who’d raised them in communes and later become real estate agents; the girls’ impractical abstraction would be their understated revenge. Then again, they might be anorectic grad students with a nicotine pallor and breakable bones; disdainful of conversation, they would remain miserable and silent at the back of the bus, staring longingly out the window. The grad students would study Gramsci and Walter Benjamin and feel a kinship with suffering genius; they too suffered for scholarship. The faculty—assistant, associate, tenured, and abject—would be merely out of shape and embarrassed to be here. Prozac would seem like a good option to them after this. That or a quart of Scotch.
When she arrived at Coffman Union, a sporty twenty-year-old handed her a waiver to sign, with which she promised to hold no one but herself responsible for her injury or death. It asked for her next of kin, a question that depressed her. It was humiliating to write her mother’s or h
er father’s name. She would have to admit they were her parents after all, since the adjacent blank requested Relationship to You. Instead she named her brother, whose phone number she could not now recall. She made one up. It broke her heart. She was thirty-three and her closest kin were just that, kin.
In thirty-three years on this earth, she had found no one to love, no one love made hers. She was not involved with anyone and hadn’t been for longer than she cared to consider. (The last time she’d heard from a beau on Valentine’s, it was an ex- who called to ask if she was seeing anyone. She told him no. “Perhaps you should seek professional help,” he said.) Truth was, she had dated boys in high school, men in college, grad school, here, but it never took. She seemed vaccinated against passion. The men she dated were friendly, good companions; they discussed the subaltern and structuralism; they went to movies; they went to bed, but somehow nothing ever grew from this. No feeling blossomed in the thin soil of the mind; though they talked endlessly about sex as a performative category, the performance was only so-so. Love somehow got left behind, defied their reasoning. These relationships ended as they began, cordially, in corridors and seminar rooms, on e-mail, collegially. Without hard feelings, or soft.
She had an MLA, an APA, a Chicago Manual of Style. She had tomes on rhetoric and comp, on modernism, postmodernism, feminist essentialism, the structuralists, post-structuralists, and post-coloniality, but none of them could tell her the first thing about love. And where could you get instruction in that?
Ben was not working on Monday, when she returned the climbing shoes to the camping store, but the following week she seemed to see him everywhere—getting off a bus at Nicolett and Fourth, drinking frothy cappuccino in a café on Lake. But it was never him she saw when she looked closer. She decided that it was simply Minnesota, land of ten thousand blondes, and that a lot of guys here wore jeans like his, work boots, red-and-black wool hunting jackets; a lot of guys were huge and blond with giant freckled heads and pony tails (in Minnesota it was still and forever 1975). She was crossing the pedestrian bridge over the Mississippi, connecting the East Bank of the campus to the West, on her way to teach her Friday class, and thinking this, when she realized that, shit, it was him, walking toward her. He seemed as surprised as she, and as delighted.